Random Thoughts

1. I decided that during the Xmas break I will not be shying away from sugar, chocolate and caffeine. So I have been eating chocolate constantly, enjoying cozy tea with sugar or honey at least two times a day. I have also had the occasional latte and hot chocolate. My stomach is a little annoyed with me. However I have not touched gluten even though the temptation was there constantly. I came close to eating a ginger bread cookie that my little nephew saved for me Xmas night and I soon as he saw me he said he has been saving the cookie for me all day :), so sweet.
Since I am still having Endo like pain especially pre ovulatory that I will need to change my diet further and see if it will help. I feel like I am having some kind of inflammation since my joints on my shoulder and also lower back (hip joints) are painful to the touch. I will be cutting out diary and red meat. As much as I like meat I think I am having too much of it. If I don't have at least one meal that includes meat in a day I feel like I haven't eaten. This will be replaced with lots of beans, chicken, fish and veggies.

2. On Xmas day we had lunch with DH extended family. His cousin who had a baby two month ago was there with her little one. She is breastfeeding and also pumping since she has too much milk and at some point she went in to the dining room to pump. We were getting ready to go so while we were saying good byes she heard us and said to come in. She was pumping right in front of my husband and one of her male cousin. She doesn't blink about taking a boob out to feed her child in front of everyone either. Having lived in the US for the last 15 plus years I have become an American and got a little uncomfortable, not because she was doing it in front of me but in front of men. Having grown up in a third world country this would have been nothing, it wouldn't have even crossed my mind. It is the norm for woman to breastfeed their babies in public, of course they are discreet about it not showing too much etc. I am amazed by people here having issues with women breastfeeding their baby in public. What is more natural than a woman breastfeeding her child? It is Ok for teenagers to walk around with half the boob out and tong showing but some people take offense in a woman breastfeeding in public. How sad.

3. I made a list of things I needed to accomplish during the break. Just a few things like updating my resume, making Dr. and dentist appointments etc. A few years ago I had braces and once they were off I wore my retainers for 6 month and stopped. Endo pain kicked in and the retainers made my migraine worse. The top retainer also needed to be changed and I never went back. I have been dealing with IF and Endo pain that I didn't have the time or the will to address this so I was suppose to go back to the orthodontist and get another set of retainer. My teeth have already started moving and I can see that within a couple of years it will go back to the pre-braces shape :(, what a waist of the 5K I paid. So nothing on my list got done and I have three days left. I was also planning to spend a day catching up with work but I don't feel like it. Being the time of year for performance reviews I will have to write four of them when I get back along with countless other things I have to do. So my plan it to at least update my resume and deal with the work stuff next week.

4. I had made an appointment to see the Thyroid Dr. next week which needs to be changed. You see I haven't been following the Dr's order fully. She had told me to double my vitamin B, Selenium and B12 intake but I haven't done so. In addition I have not taken a singe iron pill since I saw her last so there is no point in my repeating the blood test and going back to her next week. I will have to extend the appointment and try to double the dosage.

5. On TTC front I have a fear of regretting that I haven't done enough to help my body heal and be ready to conceive. If at the end of this road there is no baby I do not want to have regrets that I haven't done this and that to make my self health. I don't know what else I can do at this point but leave it in God's hands.

Merry Christmas!

Hoping that everyone had a wonderful Christmas. I have been off work for more than a week and enjoying it. It is nice to spend time with family. I visited my uncles, my cousins came over for a day and we also visited some of DH relatives.

Part of Christmas day was spent with DH family and we went to my brothers for dinner. We spent two afternoons at the mall buying gifts for my nieces & nephews. My DH hates going to the mall but somehow he didn't complain too much. It is funny how things turn out. When we were dating I would drag him to the mall and he did not seem to mind it. He was calm, let me look around and window shop. Now it is a different story, as soon as I say we need to go to the mall he asks what specific items I am planning to buy so he can stop me from looking at other things that I will not be buying :).

On cycle news nothing much exciting. As usually my pre-ovulatory phase is filled with more anxiety and butt/back pain. Today I went to my weekly acupuncture/massage session and Oh man I was in pain. I still can't comprehend why I have pain around my lower back and right below it and and my butt/sides. I am talking about pain that radiates to the leg at times. My muscles are in knots around there. There is nothing more embarrassing than having your butt massaged but that is the only way I can get some relief. The lady that does it is nice and makes me feel comfortable, it is not pleasant at all but it does give me some relief.

In addition, the hormonal shift that takes place right after my period is messing with me. As far as the migraine headache and fogginess goes that is a lot better. I still get a faint headache but I seem to wake up with the dreaded/anxious depressing feeling and this goes away after ovulation. As far as my hormones Dr. S said all is fine pre-ovulatory so I don't understand what could be causing it.

We have been asked by total strangers and DH relatives when we are having kids. Today we managed to drop by a store to get one of our wedding pics framed and the cashier asked as how long we have been married and where the children are :(. One of DH relative has five kids and his wife was saying how she wanted a sixth one and her husband said she has to wait and give other people a chance. I told him he will be waiting a long time.

Happy New Year to everyone, may your wishes come through for 2011.

BFN

I broke down and tested. BFN :(. I can drink wine tonight and celebrate my 13/14 day Luteal Phase with no spotting. I do not have to put the progesterone pill in my you know what tonight.

Don't you hate the C.learbl.ue digital HPT tests. They are good when you are PG but when you are not there is no guessing game weather there is a line or not, it spits out "not Pregnant". I hate that test :). Oh well, moving on.

No Spotting

Today is P+13 and I have no spotting and no hint of blood. How cool is this, I am so happy that my Luteal Phase has improved. Last cycle I started spotting on P+6 so this is a huge improvement and I am over the moon. I have been cramping off and on for the last six days so AF is around the corner but that is fine. One step at a time. However I may break down and test if AF doesn't arrive by tomorrow.

I am off work until the New Year which is great. I haven't bought a single gift except some chocolate for my co-workers so a day next week will be spent at the mall. We are planning to go early in the morning so we can avoid the crowd.

I have a cold that got worse overnight. I have a Xmas party to attend tonight but have no energy to wash my hair and make my self ready for a party so I won't be going. DH is also off work so we are taking it easy.

A Dose of Reality

Looking back at the last 3 years of trying to have a baby I have not had one positive pregnancy. As much as I know how devastating it is to have a miscarriage at least if I had had a pregnancy of some sort that was not successful I would have some hope that my body is closer to being able to achieve what it naturally is meant to do. We are talking about 14 cycles a year (42 cycles in 3 years), about 9 cycles where we weren't trying due to surgery, sickness etc. We have been trying for 33 cycles which resulted in nothing. This is actually very depressing.

My initially HSG test showed that I had one open tube. I then had surgery in 2008 and tried and tried. While I was using the progesterone cream last year I had actually had a better Luteal Phase than 6-11 days I am experiencing recently. We can blame the Endo for non pregnancy but some people with Endo do get pregnant. So in some sense my cycles have become worse.

I am on CD27 (P + 9) which is a first for me since I ovulated late at CD18. Even though I haven't seen any spotting yet I know AF is around the corner. It feels like I have a small animal in my utreus moving around, pinching & stabbing. My lower back is killing me too.

I don't mean to be all negative but I need a dose of reality so I am not a basket case each time AF arrives. Before I hope for any pregnancy I am going to wait for the following

1. A longer Luteal Phase with no spotting
2. An ultrasound series to check for evidence of ovulation
3. Ovulation around day 14
3. DH to get his guys checked since he had not so positive result when we started to TTC.
4. Stop cramping a week before AF arrives.

Unless the above have been met I am not going to get my hopes up. I will pray for others but will not be asking God to give me a child, some how I have always had difficulties including this in my prayer. Instead I will pray for patience and health. I know my Mom and other family members are praying for me. My mother has been having people send her Holy water from our home country. Hoping that prayers will be answered.

Cycle Update

Work has been crazy this week and I am not enjoying the stressed out people around me either. But a much needed two weeks time off is coming up. We decided to not go any where and just pretend we are tourist around here. We will be eating out and just strolling around town a lot. It would have been nice to go some where warmer but since we are saving for a house thought it would be wise to not spend too much.
In addition my lower back has been hurting a lot and I am still having a lot of anxiety issues.

On cycle news I ovulated on CD18/19 which is the first for me. I am on P + 5 today and praying that no spotting shows up this cycle. It seem like a lot is going on in there because I get weird dull pain, cramps, side pain, and stabbing pain in my breast. As much as I don't want to think about it I think the Endo has showed up again.

On the positive note I haven't had a headache in the last two weeks so that is good. Migraine headaches are gone, energy is good but if only I have control of my mood.

We usually spend Xmas at my brothers house so looking forward to it. I enjoy the excitement of all the kids waiting for their gifts. The adults don't give each other gifts which is a very smart thing to do because we are just too many. I usually give to my parents as my Dad gets very excited like a kid :).

My Ovaries Are Shotting Eggs

HOLY COW I am in pain. Finally some CM showed up a few days ago and today my ovaries are aching and I feel pinches, dull pain and lower back pain. My stomach is all sensitive and this just remindes me of the pre-surgery days. To add to it I feel edgy and just hormonal. Please Please God let this not be Endo pain.
I am going to be positive and think of this as being a strong ovulation and nothing more. But I need this headach and hormonal state to be gone. This roller coster doesnot stop.

Holidays

This week has been extra hard for our family. This time last year was the hardest for us. I don't want to get deep in to our loss and grief here but this has been a heart breaking year for my family. I don't know how I got through it and still getting through it I guess. With that being said I have a lot to be Thankful for.

We had Thanksgiving at my sisters as usual. All our families are no more than an hour drive from each other. It was a small gathering with just the immediate family and it was low key, a time of reflection, gratitude and sadness for our loss.

In cycle news I am on CD11 and have no fertile CM. I usually ovulate CD11-14 and have at least 6 days of fertile CM. I have no idea what hijacked my fertile CM but it is weird. No sign of ovulation, nothing. This is very strange for me since I am very regular and have short cycles (24-28 day cycles). Could this be the effect of taking estradiol post ovulation or is the Hy.drocort to blame? Any one reading experienced the same thing with these meds? This is making me nervous because the one thing I could count on was having a normal ovulation, if this is going to be added to the list of my issues it would not be good. My next appointment with Dr. S is in Feb but I guess I could send him my charts after this cycle.

We had a discussion on being childless with my DH. I was very emotional Thanksgiving night. DH expressed on how much he wants a baby but how he is patient and that if it is God's will that he will find a way to deal with it. Recently I can see that he has been thinking about it a lot. He has a lot of faith that this will happen for us. His mother tried 8 years before she had him, he is the miracle child.

I have taken a couple of weeks off around Xmas time and looking forward to it. We were thinking of going on vacation but nothing has been planned. We may just make it a trip to NY for a few days and the rest of it will be spent at home doing nothing. Can't wait for that.

Hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving. Thank You for all your comments and for sharing your journey of IF.

HC Rocks

AF final is on her way out so I am excited to get some relief.

Thanks to HC I have been feeling and sleeping a lot better. I even had energy to go out to a friends engagement party which lasted until 2 am in the morning. Yes, me the one with no energy that would cry at the thought of being at one place for hours and sitting on a dry chair made it to dinner/dancing. I was so trilled that I can actually have some social life occasionally. I was more happy to be able to go with my hubby, usually I would send him off by himself. I actually spent some time on the dance floor too. I am paying for it a little today as I feel my side pain is a little more intense but nothing a good rest won't take care of.

On the thought of Endo pain I get intense numbing pain on both sides of my thigh, a little above my thighs. The last time I was at my massage treatment the woman nearly killed me. I had so many knots that she had such a pleasure beating my muscles until her hands hurt. But it felt great and it got rid of my pain to some extent but if I go for a walk a couple of times I know it will be back in its full intensity. I don't know weather this is related to Endo, scar tissue or just posture issues but it is not pleasant.

The one thing I still lack on is not getting enough physical activity which I still need to work on.

It gets Better

Yesterday I had minor cramps at P+8. Towards evening I had very light spotting. Yep a 7-8 day L.uteal Phase. That sucks big time. I thought the Progesterone will delay my period but seem not to have helped. Since my surgery I have variable L.utel Phase ranging between 6-11 days. This is not good at all. This is month 2 of being on Progesterone since I took it last month orally.

I am the worst when it comes to being patient. I tried not to think about the 2WW and I was good at it until I started spotting yesterday. I don't know how but I am going to have to practice patience. I actually started thinking that this is implantation spotting. Yeah right, I have seen this before so not anything new.

I am really angry about this infertility dilemma. Not only I can't get pregnant but I have to deal with cramps a week before AF arrives. That is 10 days of off and on cramps until AF leaves.

On a positive note though I don't have raging PMS so the hormones are helping, hoping I didn't speak too soon.

Emotions

We went to see my husband's cousin who just had a baby. The little tiny girl is so cute. Her father was grinning ear to ear and is so excited to be a father. Seeing him that happy made me think of my husband and that he may never be able to experience this and it made me really sad. I am good at burring my emotions so I kept it together but now shedding tears in private :(

Postive Outlook

Today is Cd 18 (P+4). I started the progesterone and estradiol yesterday. It wasn't cold enough for our heat to be on during the night so I had turned it off. I walk up this morning and I was hot and a little sweaty. Yes me the "cold block" was warm all over. That is a good feeling that the progesterone is working wonders. I took oral progesterone last cycle and didn't see any difference in my temp. Definitely using it the other way is much better.

When I walk up this morning and I told DH that I was hot he said he has a feeling that he thinks I will be pregnant this cycle :). He rarely says stuff like this and usually doesn't talk about pregnancy etc. It caught me by surprise and I just said hope you are right. However, I have promised my self that I would not live my life in 2 week increments anymore and is trying to ignore the fact that I am in the 2WW phase. I don't want to analyze every pinch, cramp and what ever else that goes on in there as a possible pregnancy symptom. This week I am actually preoccupied with worrying about the endo coming back and less with the 2WW wait. The last two weeks I was not able to walk for more than 20 min without feeling dizzy and disoriented due to numbness around my sides and right leg, all too familiarly symptoms of Endo. So I am taking one day at a time.

My migraine headaches seem to have lifted a little bit more and my mood seem to be better since I have started HC. Will see what the progesterone and estradiol will do for my PMS.

Even though Dr. S said the preovulatory phase is Ok based on the hormonal tests I want to do an ultrasound series and need to find an OBGYN that will be willing to do this, no way I can go to PA for a week.

On other news I bought this this past weekend. It will be put to use all winter long. I paid $70 more for it but what is done is done. I saw it for cheaper a few days later somewhere else but I had already cooked on it so didn't feel like it is right to retrun it.

Thyroid Dr. Update

I had a follow up with my Dr. who prescribed the T.3 for my Thyroid. After a month on the medication and vitamins my free T.3 levels are increasing but still not high enough. In addition the selenium, B12, folic acid and iron storage levels are still not in the normal range. So she increased the dosage for both T.3 and vitamins. I am responding to the therapy since in most cases levels are increasing based on treatment. My reverse T.3 is also has gone down a little. In regards to the HC that Dr. S prescribed 4X a day she adjusted that a little bit saying that I should take more of it in the morning and less at night to mimic the natural cortisol level. So I will be taking 10mg in the morning, 7.5 mg mid day and 2.5 mg before bed. That makes a lot of sense. What I love about this Dr. is that she is open to Dr. S treatment and interested in his suggestion etc. I have been taking the vitamins at mid day since it is less harsh on my stomach after a large meal but now that the dosage has gone up I will have to take some of it in the morning. I have to be thinking of a filling breakfast than the one fried egg I eat normally. It is just so hard to plan for breakfast when on GF and low sugar.

I haven't felt any different since I started HC but it is only been three days.

On cycle news today is CD14 and I had a good six days of fertile CM and it looks like I ovulated yesterday/today so that is good. Dr. S said that my preovulatory phase looks good.

Can't wait for a hormonal balanced me :)

A call from the Pharmacy

So I dropped my prescription for progesterone, estradiol and HC the other day. I get a call from the Pharmacist saying she is having difficult understanding Dr. S instruction on hot to take the progesterone. I had to explain what P+3 means etc and I also had to explain on how to take the progesterone (sticking the pill down there). She said it seem like you know what to do. Hehehehe, I forget that this infertility stuff is foreign to most people. I thought that was funny. A close friend of mine also called to ask how my appointment went and I told her about the progesterone and she said "is there an apparatus that comes with it for application..." I told her it comes with a gun and you just shoot it up there :).
My friend has never been to an OBGYN even though I have begged her to go for annual check ups so you can understand how she can be so amused by this type of stuff.

My coworker who is expecting and I were I.messaging and she asked me how it was going with the infertility stuff and proceeded to tell me how we should time sex and how. I laughed so hard and said if you repeat this again and give me suggestions on when and how to have sex I will beat you up. I think she tried for about four month or so before she got PG so I am suppose to be taking advise from her having had almost 3 years of trying under my belt. Amusing I tell you.

N.apro Dr. Visit Update

I had my appointment with Dr. S yesterday. First of all as much as I respect and love that man for helping me with my issues I have to say he moves slow. I waited for more than an hour to see him. This is my 5th visit and each time I have been there there is at least 1h wait. I waited in the examination room for more than 25 min, I should have known better and taken my husband in there with me. However it was all worth it.

We went over the cycle long hormonal result. Here are my numbers

Pre-peak Estradiol (ng/dL): CD7 (10.0), CD10 (27.4), CD11 (25.3), CD13 (14.1), CD15 (10.3)-normal range, he said he liked to see it around 25 at its highest

Post Peak
Estradiol: P+3 (9.8), P+5 (12.8), P+7 (11.4), P+10(6.2), P+11(4.9): low
Progesterone (ng/mL): P+3 (11.2), P+5 (8.7), P+7 (7.6), P+10(3.9), P+11(2.7): very low

TSH: 1.32 mIU/mL, LH 4.8 mIU/mL, LH/FSH 0.7, Free T4 1 ng/dL, Prolactin 7.2
All within the normal range.

So I have been diagnosed with Type II L.uteal Phase defect which I knew already because of early spotting etc. He also went over the Adrenal hormone testing that I did with my other Dr. where the evening level was low but all others were within range. He still felt that I have some degree of Adrenal fatigue and should be on HC to correct it. My other Dr. said it is within the normal range and she won't treat it even if the evening level was below detection limit. Dr. S prescribed progesterone and estradiol after ovulation
starting on P+3. I am also suppose to take HC 4X a day. I really thought that the esradiol levels will also be abnormal since I get migraines and foggy head preovulatory but it doesn't seem like it. Hoping the HC will take care of that. Oh yeah and I am suppose to put the progesterone in my you know what instead of taking it orally. Not looking forward to it.

We have been given the green light to TTC. I have an appointment with my other Dr. who prescribed T.3 on Friday to discuss where my thyroid hormone levels are after a month of treatment.

I know that these treatments are not a true fix for the problem and are meant to help alleviate my symptoms and also possible help with implantation if everything else happens the way it suppose to. So my next quest is why do I have this condition and how can it be corrected so that my body can produce sufficient amount of the hormones with no help.

No Title :)

Waring TMI :)

So CD1 was on Sunday. I had the mild cramps and light bleeding. The next day very little bleeding. Usually CD2 is mid-heavy bleeding for me. I actually went to buy pads on CD2 morning which I ended up not needing. Most likely I may have not ovulated this past cycle since I saw fertile CM for only three days and by day 11 it has disappeared. I guess I will have to go back using OPK just to see what my next few cycles will do. I was excited that I ovulated on day 13/14for the last couple of month but this month cycle was short.

Any how have any of you noticed that during your period you see bits of dark tissue, not dark blood or clot but dark small slipper tissue like a scar is coming off? I have noticed it multiple times since my first surgery. This worries me, could my uterus be full of scars. I have had polyps removed during my first surgery but Dr. S found nothing during the second surgery.

I have a follow up appointment with Dr. S on Monday to go over the cycle long hormonal profile. He also tested thyroid and will suggest T.3 I am sure but I am already taking it. I also want to do an ultrasound serious to determine weather I am actually ovulating.

Recently I have been thinking a lot more about our TTC journey. I have never been pregnant except may be once where my period was late a few days and I passed one giant clot. When I say giant I mean as big as my fist. That day I was so tired I slept for 13 hours straight. I get the feeling it might have been a very early miscarriage. Besides that no pregnancy to speak of. I have a number of things that need fixing

1. Short cycles
2. Spotting prior to AF
3. Continuous CM, checked for infection that came up negative
4. Multiple vitamin & mineral deficiencies
5. Hormonal issues: low thyroid, progesterone and god knows what else
6. Endo and possiblly cysts

Each have to be treated before we can conceive a baby. However the fixing has to happen fast. Being in my mid 30s I am not getting younger and things will probably get worse with age. So while Dr. S deals with the hormonal aspect I am trying to figure out weather I should get my immune system checked. DH also needs to get his guys checked. When we first went to an RE and he did an SA for DH twice both times the motility was low. However a few month later he was checked by another Dr. again and all came back normal. I have a feeling that there might be a mild issue there. It took 8 years for DH MOM to concieve him, since those where the good old days we don't know if the issue was his Mom or Dad.

I am going to give a year for treatment and if nothing happens then that is it. We will have to call it quits.

Snappy

Today is CD1. The cramps are mild so I am not complaining too much. When I am on my period I have no desire to go anywhere. I just want to take it easy at home, cuddle with a heating pad and watch TV or read.

Yesterday evening DH and I went to visit a relative at a hospital. On the way home I suggested we pick up dinner from a new restaurant my sister suggested and DH didn't want to go. He is not in to new places so I gave him a choice to pick a restaurant. Anyhow in the process I was a little pissed and snapped because he doesn't have any suggestion but said he doesn't want to go to this place. Any how I told him to forget it and we went home. He accused me of being snappy this week and hasn't appreciated my interaction with my sister on an argument I had with her earlier this week. I was accused of being disrespectful and snappy because I said "What the hell..." to him :). I have noticed this past week my fuse has been short but it is not like he is a saint either.

Today I made spaghetti squash for lunch and DH didn't want to touch it and I got pissed but didn't say anything. The least he can do is taste it. He just left to go to the bookstore for coffee and I nicely turned down the offer since I am in no mood to be in public, sitting on a chair. I rather be peacfully alone, horzontal with my hot tea in hand and my heating pad.

Aggravating PMS

Last Friday I walk up with a pressure headache and just brushed it off and went to work. I could barely concentrate at work the first hour or so. I was anxious and edgy and didn't understand what could have triggered this. I have anxiety issues as I have said before which appear from no where sometimes. So Friday night DH wanted to go out to dinner and I was reluctant but said Ok. I was already hungry on top of the headache and anxiety. Any how I had a huge panic attack in the restaurant and just wanted to dye right there. It was the most terrible feeling ever. Usually I would sit and let it pass but this time I just couldn't breath. At that point we already have ordered our food and waiting. I told DH that I don't feel well and I will wait for him in the car and stormed off. I felt so bad but I just couldn't help it. I walked around while DH waited for the food. Once we got home all was fine.

Today the same thing, I managed the weekend pretty well except for some fatigue. I had a relaxing massage and acupuncture session on Saturday. When I walk up this morning I had a faint headache some IBS symptoms and I was also hungry. I took my T.3 Med and drove to work but my eye sight was blurrier than usual and I had the same pressure headache. I left work as soon as I got in and went home. I don't know how to deal with this overwhelming feeling. It also sometimes happens when I am in a large meeting, movie theatres etc.. Recently I try to avoid big meetings at work but avoiding it is not going to help. I don't know how to deal with this issue. It is usually at its worse right after and before AF. It is part of the PMS package that gets delivered at my door step on a monthly bases. I thought the vitamins, T.3 are helping me deal with this better but doesn't look like it. What is bad is this experience is new all the time and I don't learn from the last one. It just catches me off guard. I do not want to be on medication for this. I just need to learn how to deal with it but if I haven't figured it out the last 15 plus years so when and how do I learn coping mechanism? It hasn't been this bad before but now seem to be more often and more intense.

This afternoon I am feeling some cramps so AF is definitely on her way. The cramps have also been starting earlier the last couple of month. Today is only CD19. I can't wait for Menopause to hit and take me out of this misery. I am sure it will bring its own issues but I have had enough of this one.

Cycle Update Plus

Today is CD12 and for the last couple of cycles I have managed to ovulate CD13/14 and had fertile CM for about 6 days on average. This cycle I saw fertile CM for three days until Sat and bam it was all gone. On Sat I went to my regular session of therapy (massage & acupuncture). Usually the treatments are geared to relieve pain but I asked the acupuncturist to focus on fertility. By Sunday all of the CM was gone. Interesting, could the acupuncture treatment be the cause? Just puzzled.
Its been 3 month since my surgery and I am getting a little anxious about TTC. I don't want to wait any longer on the fear of the Endometriosis returning and clogging my tubes and God knows what else. But I also know that hormonally my body is not ready and I should wait until I see Dr. S. in November. I can not wait for months for treatment follow ups so I am going to push Dr. S to be a little aggressive. Since I went to Dr. S when I was in pain I had told him that my primary focus was to relieve the pain but now that the pain is manageable we will have to focus on fertility.
During the last 2.5 years of trying I have gone through a lot of emotions from anger, panic, frustration, desperation and total feeling of helplessness. Going through this moments have got me to where I am now. I am at peace the majority of the time. However, I think DH hasn't allowed himself to feel. He is the opposite of me and has a lot of patience and optimistic outlook. In his mind we haven't tried long enough and that it will happen. He avoids the emotional stresses some how and sometimes it is frustrating to me. Part of it is since I was a total mess at some point he wanted to be the stronger partner. I have minimized discussion of our infertility and I want him to bring it up when he is comfortable. Plus I think I am pretty much done talking about it. I have thought about Adaption in the long run if things don't work for us but DH is not even close to being ready for that discussion.

T3 therapy is helping me some. I still have moments of fatigue but the hypoglycemic symptoms are gone and I feel like i don't have to run to eat my lunch within a few hours of eating breakfast. it is so freeing not to be worried about eating every couple of hours.

Off the Couch

I have been told countless times by Drs and family members that I need to be physical active for my own good. For as long as I remember I have made countless exercise schedules since I was in my early 20s and have not been able to keep it up for more than 2-4 weeks. When I started the Gluten free diet I feared that I would fall off the wagon too. However, I have been pretty amazed on how well I have done in the last 1.5 years on GF diet. I have not given in to the temptation of bread and pastries not even once. Not only GF, I have given up most processed foods, caffeine and sugar with little difficulties. So why can't I stick to an exercise regime? I guess part of it is that I am always tired but I know this is not an excuse. However, during the years when I didn't know I had Endometriosis a 30 min work out will leave my back in such a state that I disliked going to the gym. My recent plan was to walk for 30 min every other day and I probably have done it may be 4 times in the last 2 months. For some reason there is always an excuse for why I can not get off the couch and start moving. Any one reading please suggest any ideas that helped you stick to a schedule. We are not talking about hard core exercise here since my body can not handle any strenuous work out at this point.

CD1

Today is CD1. 26 day cycle, better than the 23/24 day cycles I used to have due to early ovulation. However I started spotting on CD21 which makes my LP only 6 days and that has me worried and depressed. The spotting went away after a day and came back as brown stuff a few days later. I also have had cramps since CD21 off and on which is really annoying.

I finished the cycle long hormonal test but my appointment with Dr. S is not until Nov. I am so curious to see the post peak hormonal profile.

I am talking the T.3 only, haven't seen any major changes yet, it is only been a week since I started.

I have also been thinking about quitting my job but first I want to see if the T.3 and supplements have any effect on my health. My job is not that stressful but recently I haven't been enjoying the negative environment that I am used to when the end of year comes. Once I see what Dr. S has for me treatment wise I am going to think this through and may take 6 month off. It will hurt financially but it may just be what I need.

Thyroid Ultrasound Result

Even though I did the Thyroid Ultrasound weeks ago we were not able to review it with Dr. C during my last visit. The radiology place faxed it to the wrong place. So I had to call them twice to get it faxed to the right office. So incompetent I tell you. I was told that if Dr. C sees anything abnormal they will call me back and if all is fine not to expect a call. Any how of course I get a call. Apparently I have two cysts on my thyroid. One fluid filled and the other complex. So the receptionist is reading the note the Dr. wrote and the last sentence is "don't worry, just follow up with another ultrasound in two months". I hate the fact that some Dr's don't call their patient directly, what if I have more questions.

Why does my body love cysts. It is apparently that I have a big cyst on my right ovary, don't need an ultrasound to tell me that. It hurts when I walk :(. Now this thyroid cyst is puzzling but I have been told not to worry so I won't. I won't even consult Dr. G.oogle on this, I am going to let it go.

But the question is could my a.xiety issues be related to this? May be I should consult Dr. G.oogle :)

Progress-far from it

So I have been taking the prescribed meds for three days and I am not doing good. I feel like it lifted the fogginess but my mood is not good. I am very anxious in the morning and feel like I am going crazy literally. I have anxiety issues to start with but the last few days have been worse. The severity of anxious feeling also depends on what day of cycle but post ovulation I should be doing OK but I am not. The Cy.mb.alta is suppose to help with anxiety and also pain but I don't know weather it is the T.3 or the cy.mba.lta that is exaggerating my symptoms. It may be that my body just needs to get used to the meds. I have also been good taking the supplements except the iron which I take ever other day since it makes me feel nasty.

What is going in my head right now is weather I should drop everything, all meds except the T.3 and stay home and try to recovery. But staying home is out of the question for me, I wouldn't know what to do with myself all day. My job is not that stressful. I have been at the same job for a long time. Part of the reason I never changed jobs is due to my health issue. I am always saying that I need to figure out what is going on with my health before I move to the next challenging job. But the time never comes, it is one thing after another.

Sorry to rant and for my sour mood. I just can't burden my DH with all this on a constant bases so I need to let it out some where. At least the weather is wonderful out here and I took a walk this afternoon.

Lab Results

I went to see Dr. C today. Three weeks ago I have done lab work for thyroid, Adrenal and other stuff. Here are the result; surprizingly most things are within the normal range. Below are the numbers for the ones that are not within the normal range or on the low side.

Tests came Low for the following
Ferritin: 9 ng/mL (normal range >50 ng/mL)
Vitamin B-12: 261 pg/mL (normal range 211-946) the Dr. says >900 pg/mL is the aim)
Vitamin D 25 Hydroxy: 10.5 ng/mL (normal 70-90 ng/mL)
Selenium: 157 ug/L (normal range 100-340)
Folic Acid: 12.3 ng/mL (mormal >20 ng/mL)
Free T3: 2.5 pg/mL (normal range 3.2-4.4pg/mL)

The following were all within the normal range
Aldosterone
Blood counts with platelets and complete differential
DHEA-S
Free T4
Reverse T3
TSH
Lipid Panel
Magnesium level RBC
Pregnenolone
Sedimentation Rate, non-automated
Serum Iron
Thyroglobulin Antibody
TPO Microsomal Antibody
Total Cortisol AM
Zinc

I have been miserable for the last couple of days with migraine headaches and the usual and haven't been able to go to work. When I got to the Dr. office I could barely keep my eyes open. Any how my Adrenal Cortisol and DHEA levels are within the normal range which surprised me since I measured slightly low a year ago.
So she put me on slow release T3 and Iron, B12 (sublingual), Vitamin D-3, Selenium and B-complex supplements. In addition she prescribed C.y.mbalta for anxiety and also pain. Apparently this drug is also used for pain which I didn't know. I am a little apprehensive about this but I have no choice so I will take it and see how it goes. She also put me on prometrium. Since I am doing the cycle long test with Dr. S I will hold off on taking the progesterone until the next cycle. Just like Dr. S suggested she also said to hold of on TTC for a few month until I feel better.

I am on CD14 and seem like I ovulated today. I have pain all around my back and around ovaries. There is a possiblity that I have cysts. I guess will find out when I see Dr. S in November.

Random Stuff

I have my appointment with Dr. C on Friday and I can't wait. As bad as it sounds I have been praying for some of the result to be abnormal. Something has to get fixed.

My friend at work told me she is pregnant. I am a little envious but so excited for her. I am doing better with this kind of news. I can't get upset over other peoples happy announcements. My time will come some day.

I am doing the cycle long hormonal blood work. The lab is a 5-10 min drive from my job so not too bad. The other day I asked them to take blood from my right arm, usually I give my left, the next day I have this big purple bruise. I guess for now the left arm will have to do. I have about 6 days of testing and I should be done so not to bad.

I told Dr. S that my other Dr. ordered the Saliva Adrenal testing and if he can use the result instead of doing another one from his office. He said he will have to see the result first before deciding.

On the issue of our infertility DH seem to have no interest to dwell or discuss it much. He is fully on board with the Na.pro approach but is not obsessively thinking about it. He is more about seeing me healthy and the TTC is secondary. I hate the fact that I am the one who always bring up the subject for discussion on plans etc. I think since I have been blogging and reading blogs I have decreased my constantly bringing up our situation. Blogging definitely does give me some outlet. He also doesn't think we should be avoiding TTC while we wait to correct my hormonal issues. I think deep down he thinks it won't happen so why put the effort of avoiding sex :).

I am a little depressed about summer ending. I have winter with passion. I love Xmas holidays but I hate the locomotion that goes on in malls.

Hopefully this year will end with some happy moments. Its been one sad heart breaking year for me, with death in the family, constant pain and multiple other health issues. Hoping that the last three month of 2010 will treat me kindly.

Supplements

I am a big buyer of supplements but never take them or take them for a day or two only and stop. I have probiotics sitting in my fridge($45 a bottle) for over a year along with other vitamins etc. I don't know what I am thinking when I buy it but I get carried away. I hate taking any supplements. The prenatal vitamins I was taking left me with a horrible stomach pain no matter when I took it so I rarely take it these days. A couple of weeks ago after reading "Ad.renal F.atigue..." book suggested by Sew I went on another round of supplement shopping. I bought the following

Na.tural Calm Magnesium
Vitamin C
Zinc
Vitamin D3
Vitamin B6
Omega-3

The only thing I have taken is the Magnesium for a couple of times. The others are sitting looking at me. My stomach can't handle pills well. Over the weekend I may have eaten something funny because my GI issues are flaring up. I think I need to heal before challenging my already weak stomach with multiple supplements. I am tempted to take the probiotic but scared of what it would do to my stomach. I hate plain yogurt and since getting off sugar I can only take a few spoon of sweetened Yogurt. It is just way too sweet for me. I need to suck it up and starting eating plain yogurt or take probiotics. I know a lot of IF blogger take a lot of supplements. Please any one reading let me know if there is a secrete to taking suppliments? Any thing you do to minimize the stomach aches?

On other news I had my first blood drawn for the cycle long hormonal test. I went to Qu.est Diag.nostic close to my work and I wasn't impressed. They are so unprofessional and slow. I am keeping my fingers crossed that they don't mess up my orders.
RG

Cycle Update

Today is CD26 and I have had cramps for four days now. I started spotting today which makes my luteal phase only 11 days so not much improvement in that department. However this looks like it is going to be a 28 day cycle which makes me happy, I hate those short cycles. The constant cramping have been driving me crazy all week and I am taking Ty.lenol which doesn't really help fully. Aspirin irritates my stomach so I am trying not to take it.

Work has been crazy this week with back to back meetings all day long for three days. There is nothing frustrating than sitting among men while you are having raging PMS and cramps. I felt like kicking each one of them because they will never experience what I am going through. On one of our all day meetings lunch was provided and of course I had to take my own lunch knowing that everything will have gluten. There was also a desert tray which was brought to the meeting room after lunch that was staring at me the whole afternoon. I resisted the tray but gave in and got a bar of chocolate from a vending machine.

I have been feeling a little sorry for myself these couple of days. A friend of my husband who got married around the same time as us already has two kids. Relatives and friends are announcing pregnancies left and right. Oh such as life, the struggle goes on. Nothing on TTC front for us since we are on a break until I get some help for my thyroid/adrenal hormone issues.

Happy Three Day Weekend.

RG

WTH!

Is it possible that you can have Endo pain 6 weeks after surgery, it can't possible come back in such a short time. Today and yesterday I have been getting lower back pain, numbing pain and tinglly feeling around the pelvic area. What the hell could this be? It may be ovarian cysts. This is just not helping my already sour mood.

Today was a good day besides the pain, I managed to stay at work the whole day. Towards the end of the day arm pain radiates up my neck and head. My headache has been getting worse by the hour.

I am mad at DH today. He just came back a week ago from vacation and I was looking forward having him around today. However he has this thing he goes to with friends once a month and today is the day. I had planned for us to go out and get a few things we need for our apt but he is not around. I am kind of upset that he left me here alone and he is out having fun. Part of it is the frustration of not having enough energy to go out and hang out with friends or family. I thought about it and I am too tired to be driving. I rather be in bed and blog :)

On other news I went for my thyroid ultrasound today. They said they will fax the result to my Dr. by the afternoon. I may just pick up a copy for my file on Monday.

My health issue is getting old. I am tired of talking about it. I am tried of people asking me how I feel etc.

Got Blood?

Holy Cow! I went to give blood yesterday for all the tests that Dr. C ordered. First of all I was already in my morning funk, i.e. fatigue, foggy and unable to concentrate. I get in to Lab Corp and the place was full at 8:30am. I was tempted to head back to my car since I had no energy for a long wait. Then I saw an empty seat and decided to wait for 10 min and see. The line went by quick enough and I was called within 20 min. I swear I probably gave about 12 vials of blood if not more. How much blood can a woman weighting 108lb and a history of anemia give at one time? I warned the lady that I might pass out after all is done. She also said she might have to stick me on both arms if one wasn't enough. Luckily she managed to get all from one arm. I went to work after and only lasted until lunch. All of a sudden I was cold, numb, dizzy and my pressure headache was getting worse. I put on my sweater and that didn't help so I sneaked out of work and went home and sat for a couple of hours. My life truly SUCKS BIG TIME. How am I going to be able to handle the cycle long hormonal test where I have to give blood every three day or so. Some prayer need here.

RG

Dr. App.

I had my appointment with the MD that specializes in the treatment of Thyroid and adrenal hormones. The whole experience was pleasant. Dr. C. talked to me for more than 40 minutes going over symptoms and health history. I told her about my primary Dr. telling me to get over it in so many words. She voiced her frustration with the standard Dr. care and was surprised that the Endocrinologist I went to did not test for T3 & T4 hormones. Anyhow she said all my symptoms indicate hypothyroidism but she also wants to check my adrenal hormones. She said she would have given me drugs for my thyroid today but wanted to know my adrenal hormone status first. We agreed that Dr. S will take care of the progesterone/estrogen testing since I am doing the cycle long hormonal test with him. She also gave me an order for Thyroid ultrasound since my glands seem to be a little swollen. The following are the tests that were ordered.
Cortisol Saliva 24hours
DHEA Saliva

Blood Work:
Aldosterone assay
Blood counts with platelets and complete differential
DHEA-S
Ferritin
Free T4, Free T3
Reverse T3
TSH
Lipid Panel
Magnesium level RBC
Pregnenolone
Sedimentation Rate, non-automated
Selenium
Serum Folic Acid
Serum Iron
Thyroglobulin Antibody
TPO Microsomal Antibody
Total Cortisol AM
Vitamin B-12
Vitamin D, include fractions
Zinc

So my next appointment is in 3 weeks. Yep, forget the three month wait with Dr. S to get some relief for my Thyroid issues. I got the Adranal Saliva kit from her office which I will be shipping out to the lab this week. I was so happy that there is this Dr. sitting next to me and listening to all the symptoms that I am experiencing and not rushing me out of her office in 15 minutes like most other Drs. It was all too good and at some point I was really emotional and shaded some tears. Just knowing that there is a strong possibility of relief from all the awful symptoms I am feeling is trilling. Sometimes I surprise myself for being able to get up and make it to work etc feeling this way for so long. The last couple of years have been constant pain and fatigue which now is accompanied with migraine headaches. The possibility of some relief sure gives me hope.

In cycle news, it seem like my cycle is normalizing after surgery. I had more than 6days of fertile CM. I also ovulated on day 14 I believe which makes me very excited. Prior to surgery my pre-ovulatory phase was pretty short, so it looks like this will be a 28 day cycle and not the usual 25 day.
My DH is back from visiting his family and I am very excited to have him back. While he was gone I spent some quality time with my Mom and family.

Normal Cycle ? May be

Even though I still feel like crap it seem like I am having a normal cycle. By "normal" meaning the normal for me. I know my cycles and hormonal profile most likely way off the norm. I have had four days of plenty of CM this cycle. Today is CD11 so ovulation is within a day. It gives me hope that after surgery things are falling in to place. The last cycle being 17 days scared me a little. I still have the preovulatory migraine headaches which also creep up a few days before AF.

On other news I have surprised myself on how open I have became about my IF situation. I have told a couple of people at work because the subject naturally comes up when people ask me how I am doing after my surgery. At this point I really don't care if the whole world knows about our situation. My immediate family and most of my relatives who care to ask also know.

The last couple of month I have come to accept. I have accepted that we may or may not be able to have a baby. I have promised my self that I will do what feels right as far as treatment. At this point IUIs and IVFs are totally out of the question. At the beginning of our infertility we attempted a couple of IUIs and thinking back that I was so uncomfortable with it and that I had literally drugged my husband in to making that decision. Hopefully this state of calmness will stay for good.

I feel like I hit the Jack Pot

I was sitting at work today with the most horrible foggy headache and thinking how I am going to survive with this headaches (not to menion the fatigue) for another month or so before I get any help. It is clear that I do have adrenal hormone issues and most likely I may have hypothyroidism. So I decided to call the Dr. that integrates western medicine/TCM and more in her treatment. The first time I called to make an appointment they put me in for end of Sep since they had no openings earlier. So today I was prepared to beg for an earlier appointment and the receptionist checks and says Oh we have an opening next Tuesday. You have no idea how happy that makes me. This means I can take the Saliva test earlier and it would be from an experienced Dr. I feel like I am cheating on Dr. S by going to this Dr. but hey this is a life and death situation. Plus Dr. S has no experience with Saliva tests, it is a new thing for him. When I go for my appointment next week I plan to break down and cry or do anything I have to do to get this Dr. to help me sooner. I am despirate.

Happy

I found a pain management Dr. who incorporates acupuncture and massage therapy in the treatment. My first appointment was yesterday and I left very happy. The appointment lasted about 1.5hours. First they treated my lower back with some massage and then I was off to acupuncture to treat my neck, head, upper back and abdominal area. Then it followed with 30 min of deep back massage which left me totally relaxed. Of course the deep massage was my favorite part. I went in with the most horrible headache and it lifter a little bit after my treatment. Every muscle hurt during the massage. I got home, ate lunch and took a 2h nap. All in all a good day. I even had some energy at the end of the day to make it to the mall. I am loving this place and to top it off they take my insurance and are a 10 min drive from my home. I made an appointment for next Sat morning, this will be my Sat morning ritual for a few months, couldn't be more happy.

The Dr. who was doing the acupuncture told me I have very low energy and he asked me if cloudy/rainy days affect me; right on the money. I do much better on sunny days, yesterday was cloudy and driving to the Dr's office was painful. He told me to do some Yoga and aerobic exercise.

On other news, Dr. S office will be sending me instructions to do the blood hormonal test starting next cycle. However they informed me that the Saliva test kit will take three weeks before they can send it to me. Apparently they still don't have the kits in the office.
I made an appointment with the Dr. who treats adrenal/thyroid issues but they don't have any opening until the end of Sep. So back to more waiting.

Again

On Friday I noticed a hint of blood and thought may be this is due to ovulation. I haven't seen fertile CM since CD7/8 and it just disappeared. So I figured I must be having a delayed ovulation due to surgery & stress. Any way come Sunday AF is here. Yep, at CD17 AF is here. I am at a loss. Not only did I bleed for 11 days after surgery my period came so I had 15 days of total bleeding after surgery. And now at CD17 I am going through the same thing. I have never had a cycle this short before. I have no idea what my body is trying to do. I am afraid that all this bleeding is going to leave me anemic. It is going to be interesting to see what the next cycle will be like. What is more frustrating is the fact that Dr. S wants to see a few regular cycles before doing the hormonal test.

If One More Dr....

When I went to the emergency room a week after my surgery the blood test showed that I had elevated liver enzymes. My primary Dr. told me to come back in a few weeks to retest. So this afternoon I went. The last time I saw her was for a general checkup 6 months ago. I have been seeing this doctor for more than 8 years. So I told her the last few months ordeal, telling her about my debilitating Endo pain, migraine like headaches and all that came with it before my surgery. This is a woman that knows I have had constant fatigue off and on since I have been seeing her due to low iron, recurring H. P.ylori infections, Endo etc.

After she took my blood she said I have a story to tell you and goes in to telling me about her cousin who was complaining for years of fatigue and generally not feeling well. She said she always thought the woman was making things up and just being a spoiled princess :). So this cousin donates her kidney to her husband and after recovery she said she has never felt better. Can you believe the nerve of this woman. So she is indirectly telling me that I am a big complainer that I should get over it. I wanted to say may be she needed one less kidney to feel better. May be I need to give away a Kidney to stop complaining :). After years of Doctors telling me that I am a big baby for complaining about PMS, period cramps, pelvic pain etc. she adds to the pain. I simply said glad it all worked out for your cousin and walked out. All I wanted for her is to do the stupid blood test and nothing else knowing that she can't do anything for me.

If one more Dr. tells me to get over it I am going to lose it and start cursing.

MOM

Since my DH left my Mom has been staying with me. I am so grateful that I have her around. She has been feeding me constantly. She has worked very hard all her life raising eight kids. She has issues with having other people do things for her. She gets up early and is on her feet all day accomplishing random tasks.
I am so different in many ways. I am not an early person, at times lazy, hate to clean and have no passion for the sewing, gardening and multiple other thing she does. She has been the rock of our family. I wish it is the other way around, me doing the taking care of. Sometimes it makes me sad that I can't do the simple things I need to do for her. These couple of weeks I have needed her more than anything. Work is taking a toll on me and I have no energy to do anything. I am not in the best of mood either so having her around helps. I pray that some day I will be strong enough to take care of her when she needs me.

On TTC

During my post-opt visit I told Dr. S that it would not be a good idea for us to start TTC. Even if we start I doubt that it will happen since I know my health is not optimal to support a pregnancy. He did agree that we should wait until the hormonal issues get resolved. I am actually at peace with this decision. The only thing that worries me is losing time due to my advance age :). However I believe this will be the best decision. In the mean time DH will have to do SA analysis and I will have to focus on getting answers in a timely manner and not waist time.

Today is CD10 and I haven't seen any fertile mucus. I saw a little bit 4 days ago but that kind of went away. I usually ovulate by day 12 but may be there is a delay here since this is the first cycle after surgery.

RG

Post Surgery Appointment

I had my post surgery appointment with Dr. S yesterday. Although DH did fill me in on what was done during surgery he had forgotten some things. Dr. S said they did a lot in there, found a lot of endometriosis spots and also removed adhesion that connected colon to something else (forgot what he told me). My pelvic was a total mess. So it was my understanding that Na.pro Docs don't do Saliva test, I guess Dr. S didn't consider it before however he mentioned that he attended a conference in July where they covered adrenal fatigue in relation to chronic pain and endometriosis. So he suggested to do a saliva test for endocrine panel and also male/female hormone profile over 24 hours. I have done this test before with my Natropath Dr. The problem is it takes too long to do anything at Dr. S office. He is incredibly busy and he said to expect to receive the Saliva kit within 2-3 weeks. We are also doing blood hormone test over one cycle. However he would like to wait until the next cycle for this. I really do like him and his approach to treatment but his suggestion would mean that I will get the result of both blood and saliva hormonal results in three month. Yep, three month. I don't have three month, I am suffering from constant fatigue, PMS and multiple other symptoms. I waited three months for this surgery to happen and I suffered a lot.

I found a Dr. around here that also do Saliva tests, she is an MD and also practices Acupuncture and other alternative medicine. If I get an appointment early enough then I will have to go to her.

I went back to work this week and it has been though to say the least. Luckily we lost power on Monday at work so I went in only for a little bit and came back home. Today has been a total disaster. I walk up after a 9h sleep and got ready to go to work. My fatigue usually peak in the morning but today it was worse. But I pushed my self and drove to work. My legs felt wobbly and I though I was going to pass out by the time I got to work. I sat on my chair, logged on to my computer, logged out and went back home. I layed down for a few hours and went to work after lunch. By the end of the day I was exhausted. I can't keep doing this, I am going to break at some point if this doesn't improve. After the surgery my fatigue has increased so I am hoping that once I fully recover it will get better.

On a ositive note it is nice to not feel the endo pain. But it will take time to get rid of the migraine like headaches and the blurry vision. Hoping GOD will give me the strength to wait for the hormone tests.

Fertile Thoughts

The other day I was putting some stuff away and found a few pants that don't fit me. I bought these a few years ago when I was 15 lb heaver. The immediate thing that came up to my mind is that I will wear this when I get pregnant. I have done this multiple times as if I am the most fertile woman in the world. Same thing happened yesterday, my Mom was going through old cloth and asked me if I wanted a black pair of pants but she realized it was a little big for me and said so, but I said I will take it. The pant is not my style but looking at the elastic band I thought perfect for a big belly :). So I have a few shirts, pants and dresses reserved for this purpose, how odd.

RG

You got to be kidding me

When I walk up yesterday morning the bleeding had stopped and I can actually see some mucus build up. By yesterday evening I was feeling a little blotted and crabby. This morning, yep full blown period. What the heck? I thought the last few days of the 11 day bleeding after surgery was my period. The cramps are crazy painful since I am still sore inside. I am in such a bad mood too, most likely hormonal since I am not upset about anything. Gee, how much can one body take?
I guess there is a positive side to it that I can count today as CD1 and it will be easier to monitor my cycle but still. I really wish I was a man, a simplistic thinking but hell yeah I want to be a man and not deal with this reproductive crap.

I have been looking for an Endocrinologist around here who will be open to treat my symptoms instead of just looking at my "normal" lab results and for the life of me I can't find one. There is a Dr that may be able to help but he is at the same center as my Naturopath Dr. I stopped going to her after we discussed that the progesterone cream plus other stuff was not helping me. I didn't feel very confident she could do anything else for me as she kept asking me what I wanted to do next. I was also not happy that she insisted the progesterone cream use before ovulation does not affect ovulation. Any how since this Dr. is at the same center it will be weird to go to him. I am going to search more and see what else I find.

Progress

I was so discouraged yesterday. After an 8h night sleep I walk up tired. Completely exhausted. My stomach didn't feel right either so I had a little bit to eat and slept it off. The fatigue was accompanied with numb legs and arms. My whole body felt odd. By late afternoon I had enough energy to walk a couple of blocks. Of course there is no way I can be at work in this state so I have told my boss I needed another week to recovery. So today I walk up and felt fine for a while. I actually managed to walk for 20min which was hard and also came home and sat on a chair for 3 hours trying to see if I am up to sitting for an extended period of time. I was so positive and happy and by late afternoon my steam has run out. Even though I was in bed for a couple of hours working on my computer that was not enough rest. I stood in my kitchen for may be 20 min cooking and that was it. I was in pain. My right ovary started throbbing and right leg was all numb. The ugly tension headache reappeared. My body can't handle the slightest bit of physical or emotional stress. I have my post surgery appointment with Dr. S next week. We will be going over plans for hormonal test over the next cycle.

Its day 10 and bleeding hasn't stopped, it has been light today but still there. I am on CD25 but because of the sugery I am sure my cycle is wacky.

RG

Too Much Time

DH left to visit his parents. He will be out of the country for more than a month. What am I going to do? He has been driving me everywhere for the last few month and does all the errands. It feels weird to not have him around. We have never been apart for more than a week and that was once. I don't want to be a baby about this but I am so used to him that I don't know what to do with myself without him. I am going to have too much time on my hand and will need to come up with something to occupy myself. It doesn't help that I am not in the best of health either. I have family around, lots of them and my mom is with me but it is not the same. If it wasn't for Endo and my health condition and the fact that I can't take off time from work right now, I would have gone with him at least for part of the month :(. This sucks big time and I feel like crying my self to sleep.

On a different note I managed to take a 15 min walk. Big step for me, may be I can do 30 min tomorrow.

Migrane Headaches

Today for the first time since my surgery I went out with my DH to the mall. It was a quick trip, spent about 30 min in a store and I can already feel my headache getting worse. I have had a headache since yesterday which was manageable until I stepped out of the house. I don't know if it is the extreme heat outside or just walking around that aggravated my condition but it literally drove me crazy. I could not wait to get back home and lay on my back. A few month ago I saw a neurologist for this migraine like headaches. He prescribed an antidepressant that is also used for migraine headaches associated with pain. I did not take it since I was going to have surgery and also did not want to deal with the side effects. Now I am having second thoughts. This headaches are killers, they affect my vision and everything else and make me miserable. I want to be patient and wait to see if the surgery had allivated the pain and in turn will help the headache but I don't know how long I can wait. I am so frustrated beyond words can express.

Recovery 2

The post surgery instruction says to go back to work after 5 days. How is that possible? I have tried to increase my activities gradually and yesterday I cooked dinner. By the end of it I was in pain and a total mess. I had one of those headaches due to pain and pain around right ovary and lower abdominal. The bleeding hasn't stopped either. A couple of days ago it became light but then started back again once I started walking around plus I am also seeing clots. I called the Dr's office but they said all is normal and I should expect the bleeding to last about 10 days which is not far away. I don't remember the bleeding to be this heavy after my first surgery. I am still having blurry vision which is most likely due to hormonal issues rather than endo pain but the blurriness does increase with increasing pain. I am suppose to be back at work on Monday but I don't know how that is going to happen.

The only thing I manged to do today is wash my hair and that was tiring. Since then I have been laying flat and reading blogs. I have also been searching for a Dr. around my area that would treat my adrenal/thyroid hormone issues with a normal lab result. The last Endocrinologist said my hormone levels were fine and he can't do anything for me :(.

Recoverying from Surgery

The surgery went well. It took 3 hours to get everything out of me. I had hoped that all they find will be the adesions that the last Dr. couldn't remove during my first surgery but there was a whole lot more. Dr. S found some small areas of Endometrosis mostly on the right side. During first surgery 2 year ago all the endo was on the right side and nothing was seen on the left. This time I also had an endmetrioma on my left ovary but my left tube is open. The last surgery my RE said he couldn't remove all of the adesisions where my right ovary/tube were partially stuck to the pelvic and I was sure that was where most of the pain was coming from. Dr. S managed to free the ovary/tube and also unclog the right tube where it was partally closed.
For the last year >90% of the time I had ovulated on the right which also explains why I couldn't get pregnant. The surgery was done 2 days after ovulation and Dr. S said there is evidence that I ovulated on the right side.

Recovery has been OK except the pain medication was messing me up. I had palpitation and general weakness yesterday and I was alone. I thought I was going to pass out so I called 911. All tests seem normal except that my liver enzymes are a little elevated, Dr. said most likely due to the surgery and was told to follow up with my primary Dr. I am still bleeding from Surgery but the last couple of day have been light.

Dr. S briefly talked to me after I woke up from surgery but all I remember is that he said everything went well. He did talk to DH and also gave him the pictures. I have a follow up appointment in a few weeks and I can not wait for Dr. to tell me the details of surgery and chance of pregnancy. I have to wait and let the incsions heal to see if the Endo pain has gotten better.

Hoping this surgery will be the answer, now I have to figure out the hormonal issues. Can't wait to TCC once DH gets back from vacation.

Thank you Zengirl for wishing me well.

Presurgery Appointment

I had my pre-surgery appointment with Dr. S. This was the first time my DH met the Dr and he was impressed. Dr. S talked about the surgery in details and answered all our questions. I had an ultrasound and blood work done in the afternoon.
It was all a pleasant experience as the staff were attentive and efficient.
I am really glad that DH met the Dr. before the surgery since he will have to communicate with him after surgery. It was hard for DH to take off work but it had to be done. Now I am waiting for this surgery that will happen in a week. I will take a week off work to recovery and will have to physically go back to work at least for part of the day and work from home the rest of the time. Not looking forward to that but I am optimistic that the surgery will get rid of the pain or at least reduce it. I had hoped that by now I would have done the hormone profile test through out a cycle with Dr. S. He suggested that we will start the testing when I go back for post surgery visit.

This week has been hard, the long drive to the Drs. office was painful even though DH was driving, I just can't handle the sitting up for an extended time. By the end of the day I had one of those migraine like headaches. My anxiety attacks have also increased.

Wish me luck and a little prayer will be nice.

RG

Spotting at 6DPO

This cycle I started spotting at 6DPO, who does that? I have never had this happen before. I usually have 11-13 Luteal Phase and I am all puzzled. After the last cycle ordeal I am not even thinking about pregnancy so I am not upset that the cycle is a bust but worried about the early spotting.

Usually I have pain when I ovulate on the right ovary, this time there was a faint pain on the left but nothing much so I just assumed that I ovulated on the left ovary. There was enough CM to indicate ovulation.

Totally confused with the turn my cycle have been taking.

RG

Fear

I am anticipating my surgery scheduled for July. However the fear is slowly overtaking me. Its not so much of the actual surgery (that worries me too) but it is the thoughts that

What if there is Endometriosis everywhere

What if the Laparoscopy is not enough and I have to go back for Laparotomy

What if I lose my ovaries, tubes, etc in the process

What if the pain doesn't go away after surgery

What if some of the adhesions can't be removed

This thoughts drive me crazy but my mind have a legitimate reason to think this way.
My last surgery over 2 years ago did not solve my pain issue. From having intense pain around my period and some mild pain after surgery it became a constant numbing pain. Surgery did help in decreasing the bleeding and the sever cramps during my period. It didn't help me get pregnant or help with the pain. Even though I am going to one of the best Dr. for this kind of issues I am still scared out of my mind.

I have to work on creating some positive thoughts over the remaining few weeks.

Family & Endo

The other day I was telling my sister about the surgery schedule and what would be expected etc. None of my siblings or relatives have a history of Endo. Since I am working from home my family fears that I may lose my job if this keeps on going. The first thing I get asked is did you make it to work today? Mind you I have told everyone that I will not be going back until after the Surgery. It also pisses me off that I have to explain my disease what seem like a million times to my siblings. They are very supportive of me and they worry but having to constantly explain my condition is tiring so I have started lashing out with anger :).

I don't hide my infertility to relatives if they ask why we don't have kids. One of my cousins called me the other day to check on me and I told her the situation. In an effort to make me feel better she said you can always do IVF. I would have said the same thing years ago when I didn't know the details of IVF.

My Mom had 8 kids, my sisters have 2-3 kids each and my cousins the same. To top it off some of my cousins had there last kid in there early 40s with no issue. I don't know how I ended up with this disease and it is hard to deal with sitting amongst super fertile women.

RG

A.$$ Poking and Pregnant Women

For the last month I have been going to a Physical Therapist that specializes in pelvic pain. This Therapist was the only one close to my house that took my insurance. However her office is located in an OBGYN clinic within a hospital. The clinc is set up for women that do not have insurance or a means to pay for care during preganancy. This therapist is the only one in the office and most of her patients are pregnant women or women who have had kids but are having pelvic pain.

When I was asking for direction to this place before my first visit the receptionist description was its the room in front of the elevator with a lot of pregnant women. Good thing she gave me that info because if I had gone there without this info I would have thought I was in the wrong place.

Anyhow I have been going to this place once a week and each time I am greeted by pregnant women with all sizes of bumps waiting to be called for ultrasounds etc. I usually sit at a corner and try not to stair enviously at their bumps. But today's visit really got to me, I sat in the waiting room for 10 min or so feeling sorry for myself. The Therapist has also gone through infertility and eventually adapted a child, she is in her early 50s so this was a while back but it is nice to talk to some one that understands what I am going through.

I don't know if PT is helping me much, I feel better right after it but haven't felt the long term relief. I don't know how much more of the invasive a$$ poking I can tolerate.

RG

Cycle Update

Last night I walk up in the middle of the night hungery. I had a banana and a glass of water and went back to sleep. Mind you I havn't had a banana in the last six month and all of a sudden I want to eat it. Yes, yes you know where I am going with this, so I went back to sleep and promised my self that I will go out and get pregnancy tests in the morning. After all I am at 16d post ovulation with 4 day of minmal borwn spotting which is new for me, usually I only last until p13 day with 2 day of spotting. I have had cramps for 7 days off and on so I figured it could be pregnancy symptom. So I came home and tested and ofcourse I got a BFN. A few hours later AF is here. So yes I gave in to the temptation. Today is one sucky day :(.

Random thoughts

AF is no where to be seen. I have brown spotting for the 4th day now. I have mild cramps and the usual lower back pain. It's P14/15 today and this is unusual for me. If I wasn't tortured by endo and infertility I would have tested for Pregnancy but I know better not to go that route. I don't keep pregnancy sticks in my home to minimize the torture I put myself in during the 2WW.

I finally heard from my Dr. on Surgery schedule. It will happen in early July so no chance of me going on vacation with DH. But I am excited that this is going to happen. My goal now is to be as health as possible so I can enjoy my life, ofcouse this all depends on how successful the surgery will be but I am optimistic. I have suffered for the last 15+ years, the first 10 years I had no clue what was wrong with me. Although I was functioning I was always tired, ache, in pain and anxious.

When I was in college I worried how I would manage when I got older if I was already weak and sickly all the time. I went through the years avoiding anything that was physically and emotionally challenging. My purpose was to make it through the day and do the minimum. Work, go to school, come home, hung out with family, all the safe stuff. Now I am at a point I can't even do the safe stuffy anymore. Hoping for the best in the coming months.

Sitting

Once again I am sitting at home on a Friday night. DH went out with his friends, I am in no position for company. Over the last few days I have been extremely tired in the afternoons. Its Cd 24 and AF is around the corner. I usually do feel sleepy and tired right before AF but this time it is very intense. No, No I know better not to think of this as a pregnancy symptom. I already have mild cramps so definitely AF will be here soon.

Its past 8 pm and I haven't made dinner. I have been stuck to my sofa for the last few hours. I have no interest or the energy for cooking right now.

I am a little down but accepting that the Lap surgery will not happen next cycle which means I will not be able to go on Vacation with DH. I was counting that if I had the Lap in June it will be enough time to recovery by July to go on Vacation. DH wants to go home to see his parents, its been two years since we saw them last. Not looking forward to his absence. I plan to spend quality time with my Mom and family while he is gone.

RG

Stuck

I feel like I am stuck at this point. Still haven't heard from my Na.pro Dr. on surgery schedule, makes me think may be I should find another Dr. Driving more than 5-10 min is out of the question, my eyes are blurry and my brain is foggy not to mention the dull constant Endo pain. I don't know if the blurry vision is related to Endo but it has gotten worse the last two month or so.

I have been reading a lot on Vitamin D deficiency. It seem indeed some of my symptoms could be related to Vitamin D deficiency, I reviewed my medical records and the only time I got tested was two month ago where numbers came low. For some reason I thought this was included in the routine yearly blood work check up.
It seem like vitamin D is related to infertility, gluten intolerance & also Endo which I have all three.

My Endocrinologist got back to me on the hormone test on Cd 1. He tested for DHEA, progesterone, estrodiol, testosterone, prolactin, cortisol, FSH & TSH. All were within the normal range. Then why do I feel like crap?

I have been seeing a Physical Therapist who specializes in pelvic pain. On my last session she was checking around my stomach and found a painful spots on both sides that I wasn't aware of. She said it seem like connective tissue issues and it was so painful when she massaged it. She is a very nice lady and very laid back. PT for pelvic pain is worse than going to the OBGYN, at least at the OBGYN you are exposed for a short time. Here they work on both internal and external pelvic muscles and boy the internal part is not pleasent to say the least. I am hoping this helps my pain soon, I don't think I can stand the a$$ poking for long, it is gross as hell.

My husband's cousin who is frantically planning her wedding is pregnant. She is in her early 40's, I am happy for her but can't help but feel a little jealous.

Here is an interesting blog I found while reading on vitamin D

http://infertility-fertility.blogspot.com/

RG

Impatient

Its been a week since I e-mailed my chart to my Dr. and I haven't heard back from him. I am aware that the wait can be long for surgery but I need to know the possibility of when it can happen. I am not a very patient person, my husband reminds of this on a daily bases :) but I am really trying. So I broke down and e-mailed the Dr. and asked if he has gotten a chance to look at my chart and when I can schedule surgery. Hope he doesn't think I am being too pushy. I also need to tell my job of my schedule since they are allowing me to work from home.
Recently so many bloggers who have been seeing Nap.ro Drs are expecting. This gives me so much hope. But right now all the focus will be getting to feel better.

Since I have been working form home I have also been thinking if I should take a year off working and focus on getting well and TCC. Lots of thoughts going through my head. Haven't mentioned it to my husband yet. If this has to happen then our hopes of buying a house will have to be put on hold and we may struggle a little bit financially. But it could all be worth it. But then again I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I quit work. So many things going through my mind.

RG

Stuff

Usually on Mother's day we get together for lunch or dinner with my parents and siblings. Being from another country, our culture doesn't have a Mother's day. However, we do get together since we all live close to each other. Mother's day wasn't any harder for me than any other day.

I bumped in to a friend I lost touch with this past week. The last time I talked to her was when she was pregnant with her third child which was unplanned. She was trying to go back to school at the time and boom she was pregnant. Anyhow when she saw me the other day with my husband with no child to show for she said "you still don't have a baby?"-I don't think I have talked to her about our IF situation. She followed with "you are being selfish for not having a baby by now". Wow, what do you say to that, I smiled and said nothing and since her husband seem to be in a hurry with the kids running around we exchanged numbers and parted. Would I have said something like that if I had no issues with fertility, I doubt it. But her words hit me like a brick. People have no clue. Even if I chose not to have kids what gives her the right to call me selfish. If she has asked me nicely I would have said we are trying and it is just not happening for us.

On the health front my Nap.ro Dr. has me on mega dose of Vitamin D and thinks that some of my symptoms are because of the vitamin D deficiency. I just took my first dose and man my stomach is already unhappy. I Still don't have a date for surgery, anxiously waiting.

Frustrated

I have been waiting for the Na.pro Doc. to get back to me on a possible surgery date. The problem is I have been working from home this week because of the pain. Driving is out of the question so I had to stay home. I sent the Dr. my peak date on Wed. and haven't heard from him. I know it is only been a couple of days but I was hoping for the possibility of having the surgery soon. My period will be here on the 2nd/3rd which means I will have to schedule surgery end of next week or early the following week. I ovulate on day 10-12 so preovulatory phase is pretty short which makes it difficult to fit surgery this soon. Just beyond frustrated. I am stuck home on a Friday night watching TV for the million times.

On the positive note at least my job allows me to work from home for a short time so I am Thankful for it.

RG

On Cycle Front

I had typed out a history of my cycle for the last few years for the new Dr. detailing all my symptoms. I had noted that my cycle is regular 25-28 days for most of these years except when I was on the progesterone cream last fall. The first cycle I started charting using Crei.ghton model my cycle ended up being 31 days. I don't remember the last time I had a 31 day cycle. To top it off I had too much CM on a daily bases which made identifying Peak day challenging. In addition it seemed that I had two peak days, I started to see fertile CM on days 10-12 which is normal for me but then no ovulatory pain, after a few days of non fertile CM I had another Peak day. So it seem like I had a delayed ovulation. My instructor said this happens when people are under stress. Well this throws off my insisting that I have regular 25/27 day cycles so I couldn't make an appointment for the surgery. The Dr. said I need to wait until I had the next Peak day. Same for the hormone profile test, I would have to wait until another full cycle passes.

Everything was off from the norm this past cycle, I don't know where all the CM came from, I was struggling with having too little peak type CM the last few month. This cycle I ovulated on day 10, odd again, usually it happens on day 12. Last cycle and this cycle have been one of the hardest emotionally and physical. I am in pain on a daily bases and the headache seems to stay for good. Can't wait to get the hormone panel test done, it should be an interesting profile.

Update on Dr's Visit

Since I have read experiences of other bloggers that have gone to the Na.pro Dr. I went to I pretty much knew what to expect. Although I waited for almost an hour to see the Dr. I say it was a good visit and I am glad that I made the trip. He took his time to go through all my symptoms and plan of action for the next few months. The actually examination was painful & gross it needed to be done. So as expected I will be having a Laparoscopy surgery in the next few month, I can't wait. I have so much hope riding on this surgery, I want to be pain free even if it is for a short term. I will be doing the hormone panel and other tests starting next cycle. He has also suggested that I see a physical therapist that specializes in Women's health and Pelvic pain. The question now is how do I make it until surgery and other treatment. I am going to try to push for surgery in May but it seem like their schedule is pretty crazy. I can't keep calling in sick at work. Somehow I will have to manage as is for the next couple of months which makes me nervous. But there is hope that I can get some relief here.

Na.pro Doc

Finally it is almost here. I have an appointment on Monday with a Nap.ro Doc. I went to my RE to get a copy of my medical records and he asked me why I was seeing the Napro Dr. He said he checked him out on line and said "he is just another OBGYN". I asked him if he has heard of Nap.rotechnology to which he said no. I was in so much pain from Endo that I didn't have the energy to explain. I would have thought he would at least know Napro.tech existed. I told him that I am willing to try anything to deal with this pain. I was almost in tears, I grabbed my records and walked out as fast as I could. I do like this Dr. but he can't help me, his suggestion is Lup.ron & IVF. He suggested may be it is time for another Laparoscopy to which I thought, the last one you performed didn't get rid of my pain so why bother. I will still go to him for basic OBGYN care since the Nap.ro Dr is a couple of hours away.

On a different note I had an appointment with an Endocrinologist today. I was going to cancel it once I had an appointment with a Narp.Dr but though it is worth one or two visits. After going through my medical history he suggested to run hormone panel on CD1 or 2. I am sure the Nap.ro Dr. will also suggest multiple tests, will have to wait and see how it goes but I need some relief soon.

Sick of Being Sick

I have been really sick for the last few weeks. It is getting wore by the day, seem like it is all Endo related. I have back and abdominal pain and walking is difficult. My digestive system has gone crazy, it hurts when I eat and hurts when I don't eat. I have foggy unbearable headaches and I can't concentrate on anything. I am irritable at all times. I don't know what else to do, I have been good with my diet with no sugar, no gluten & minimal red meat. Blood work from my yearly check up looks good with the exception of low vitamin D. I truly believe that I have Thyroid issues, I am constantly fatigued and it is wearing me down. I am at a point where if this keeps going on I will have to stop working for a couple of month.

I have made an appointment with an Endocrinologist that I saw a few years ago. He had me monitor my glucose level on a daily bases but I didn't go back for a follow up since levels were fine. I am bad at following anything through. With this appointment and the one with the Nap.ro OBGYN I hope I can get some relief.

Sorry to be all down and under but can't help it :(

Back

I am back. This couple of months have been very difficult. The grief of losing a loved one is too much. The "Why" questions, the guilt, the sadness, despair, hope & confusion. When death hits it seem new every single time. But for the living, life has to go on and I am taking each day at a time. Some days are good and I remember the good times and laughter shared and some days are filled with nothing but despair & sadness.

On the Endo front I will be seeing a Nap.rotec.hnology Dr. I need something. The endo pain in back full force. I can barely walk at times. I have been going for Acupuncture every week but I don't see any significant relief from the pain.
I have stopped the progesterone cream a couple of month ago, besides raising my post ovulatory temp I didn't see any benefit. At some point I actually thought it was giving me headaches. So I have decided to try Napro. There will be lots of blood tests, charting & surgery to come in the few month.

I am praying that I don't lose it and throw in the towel, I seem to get nothing done when this pain is digging inside me.

R