A Dose of Reality

Looking back at the last 3 years of trying to have a baby I have not had one positive pregnancy. As much as I know how devastating it is to have a miscarriage at least if I had had a pregnancy of some sort that was not successful I would have some hope that my body is closer to being able to achieve what it naturally is meant to do. We are talking about 14 cycles a year (42 cycles in 3 years), about 9 cycles where we weren't trying due to surgery, sickness etc. We have been trying for 33 cycles which resulted in nothing. This is actually very depressing.

My initially HSG test showed that I had one open tube. I then had surgery in 2008 and tried and tried. While I was using the progesterone cream last year I had actually had a better Luteal Phase than 6-11 days I am experiencing recently. We can blame the Endo for non pregnancy but some people with Endo do get pregnant. So in some sense my cycles have become worse.

I am on CD27 (P + 9) which is a first for me since I ovulated late at CD18. Even though I haven't seen any spotting yet I know AF is around the corner. It feels like I have a small animal in my utreus moving around, pinching & stabbing. My lower back is killing me too.

I don't mean to be all negative but I need a dose of reality so I am not a basket case each time AF arrives. Before I hope for any pregnancy I am going to wait for the following

1. A longer Luteal Phase with no spotting
2. An ultrasound series to check for evidence of ovulation
3. Ovulation around day 14
3. DH to get his guys checked since he had not so positive result when we started to TTC.
4. Stop cramping a week before AF arrives.

Unless the above have been met I am not going to get my hopes up. I will pray for others but will not be asking God to give me a child, some how I have always had difficulties including this in my prayer. Instead I will pray for patience and health. I know my Mom and other family members are praying for me. My mother has been having people send her Holy water from our home country. Hoping that prayers will be answered.

Cycle Update

Today is CD26 and I have had cramps for four days now. I started spotting today which makes my luteal phase only 11 days so not much improvement in that department. However this looks like it is going to be a 28 day cycle which makes me happy, I hate those short cycles. The constant cramping have been driving me crazy all week and I am taking Ty.lenol which doesn't really help fully. Aspirin irritates my stomach so I am trying not to take it.

Work has been crazy this week with back to back meetings all day long for three days. There is nothing frustrating than sitting among men while you are having raging PMS and cramps. I felt like kicking each one of them because they will never experience what I am going through. On one of our all day meetings lunch was provided and of course I had to take my own lunch knowing that everything will have gluten. There was also a desert tray which was brought to the meeting room after lunch that was staring at me the whole afternoon. I resisted the tray but gave in and got a bar of chocolate from a vending machine.

I have been feeling a little sorry for myself these couple of days. A friend of my husband who got married around the same time as us already has two kids. Relatives and friends are announcing pregnancies left and right. Oh such as life, the struggle goes on. Nothing on TTC front for us since we are on a break until I get some help for my thyroid/adrenal hormone issues.

Happy Three Day Weekend.

RG