Tuesday, April 16, 2013

The good, bad and hormonal meltdowns

1. Lent has been going well as far as going meatless.  I don't even crave meat at all so it has not been hard.   However, I am lacking in my daily prayers.  I just don't seem to be able to focus much and I am struggling.   We still have a little more than two weeks to go.  Will see how I do.

2.  We haven't gone to church in a few months.  We were never regular goers but we were trying a few months ago.  DH doesn't agree with some of the church politics that has been going around for a long time (long story) and he said he doesn't want to go and I am not pushing.  When I decided to be a SHAM I planned for us to go to church regularly.  Having a restless 18 months old doesn't help either. 

3.  I bought MH two Easter dresses.  The one I really like seem to be a little small even though it is a size 2 and she is only 18 months.  She will not be able to wear it long so I may have to return it.   My DH hates shopping, I don't like it either but when we go together I find myself hurrying because he hates to be there and he stresses me out :).  

4..  After my hormonally meltdown a week prior to AF two cycles ago I felt much better.   I was so happy and enjoying the ride.  I took progesterone and estradiol post peak and it was all good.  I did not have any cramps or mood changes until a day before AF arrived.   It went down hill after that and I feel like crap.  Today is cd 7 and I am still in the damps.  All week I have been really down especially in the mornings.  This past weekend was not good at all.  While eating breakfast I told DH that I feel like crap and I told him how frustrated and hopeless I felt.   He told me that I need to be positive and starting talking about his mother and how she handled her chronic illness when they were growing up and how great she was.  Stuff that you don't want to hear when your hormones have sank you in the pity of despair. The conversation changed when he said I only share this with him and not with my family.  He said when my mom is here during the week I look positive and I am smiling.  Yes I do pretend all is good.  I tell her when I am in pain but I don't go in to details.  He said he feels burdened with the fact that I only share with him and that I should be real with my family.   The conversation went south after that, in short what I heard was I am tired of hearing about your problems and snap out of it.   It is like he punched me on the stomach.    I am not a cryer but I was really sad and I was in tears.  I don't know how to have a conversation when feeling hurt.  I got up and walked away and finished crying in my bathroom.  Since then we haven't talked about it and I am still hurt.  I know it is not fair for him to have to deal with this.  It is not like he can fix it, but I just feel so alone sometimes that I just need to talk to someone.

5.   I am seriously thinking of going on meds for depression/anxiety and see it will help.  If it means it will bring me some stability then I will have to consider it.   I am also seriously thinking of going on prescription pain meds. I have been avoiding this for years but it may be the best option I have for now.  

6.  On a positive note I started exercising two weeks ago.  I do dance aerobics and palates.   The palates is helping my pelvic pain so it is all good.  I have put this as my number one priority for now.  

7. On the TTC front nothing to report.  My cycle have normalized at least for the last two.   We really haven't been good at actively trying and I am exhausted from all the hormonal ups and downs so I don't even make an effort.  What would be great for me was to be pregnant.   Oh how I long to be pregnant just for the feeling of hormonally stability.