Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Spotting at 6DPO

This cycle I started spotting at 6DPO, who does that? I have never had this happen before. I usually have 11-13 Luteal Phase and I am all puzzled. After the last cycle ordeal I am not even thinking about pregnancy so I am not upset that the cycle is a bust but worried about the early spotting.

Usually I have pain when I ovulate on the right ovary, this time there was a faint pain on the left but nothing much so I just assumed that I ovulated on the left ovary. There was enough CM to indicate ovulation.

Totally confused with the turn my cycle have been taking.


Saturday, June 19, 2010


I am anticipating my surgery scheduled for July. However the fear is slowly overtaking me. Its not so much of the actual surgery (that worries me too) but it is the thoughts that

What if there is Endometriosis everywhere

What if the Laparoscopy is not enough and I have to go back for Laparotomy

What if I lose my ovaries, tubes, etc in the process

What if the pain doesn't go away after surgery

What if some of the adhesions can't be removed

This thoughts drive me crazy but my mind have a legitimate reason to think this way.
My last surgery over 2 years ago did not solve my pain issue. From having intense pain around my period and some mild pain after surgery it became a constant numbing pain. Surgery did help in decreasing the bleeding and the sever cramps during my period. It didn't help me get pregnant or help with the pain. Even though I am going to one of the best Dr. for this kind of issues I am still scared out of my mind.

I have to work on creating some positive thoughts over the remaining few weeks.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Family & Endo

The other day I was telling my sister about the surgery schedule and what would be expected etc. None of my siblings or relatives have a history of Endo. Since I am working from home my family fears that I may lose my job if this keeps on going. The first thing I get asked is did you make it to work today? Mind you I have told everyone that I will not be going back until after the Surgery. It also pisses me off that I have to explain my disease what seem like a million times to my siblings. They are very supportive of me and they worry but having to constantly explain my condition is tiring so I have started lashing out with anger :).

I don't hide my infertility to relatives if they ask why we don't have kids. One of my cousins called me the other day to check on me and I told her the situation. In an effort to make me feel better she said you can always do IVF. I would have said the same thing years ago when I didn't know the details of IVF.

My Mom had 8 kids, my sisters have 2-3 kids each and my cousins the same. To top it off some of my cousins had there last kid in there early 40s with no issue. I don't know how I ended up with this disease and it is hard to deal with sitting amongst super fertile women.


Monday, June 7, 2010

A.$$ Poking and Pregnant Women

For the last month I have been going to a Physical Therapist that specializes in pelvic pain. This Therapist was the only one close to my house that took my insurance. However her office is located in an OBGYN clinic within a hospital. The clinc is set up for women that do not have insurance or a means to pay for care during preganancy. This therapist is the only one in the office and most of her patients are pregnant women or women who have had kids but are having pelvic pain.

When I was asking for direction to this place before my first visit the receptionist description was its the room in front of the elevator with a lot of pregnant women. Good thing she gave me that info because if I had gone there without this info I would have thought I was in the wrong place.

Anyhow I have been going to this place once a week and each time I am greeted by pregnant women with all sizes of bumps waiting to be called for ultrasounds etc. I usually sit at a corner and try not to stair enviously at their bumps. But today's visit really got to me, I sat in the waiting room for 10 min or so feeling sorry for myself. The Therapist has also gone through infertility and eventually adapted a child, she is in her early 50s so this was a while back but it is nice to talk to some one that understands what I am going through.

I don't know if PT is helping me much, I feel better right after it but haven't felt the long term relief. I don't know how much more of the invasive a$$ poking I can tolerate.


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Cycle Update

Last night I walk up in the middle of the night hungery. I had a banana and a glass of water and went back to sleep. Mind you I havn't had a banana in the last six month and all of a sudden I want to eat it. Yes, yes you know where I am going with this, so I went back to sleep and promised my self that I will go out and get pregnancy tests in the morning. After all I am at 16d post ovulation with 4 day of minmal borwn spotting which is new for me, usually I only last until p13 day with 2 day of spotting. I have had cramps for 7 days off and on so I figured it could be pregnancy symptom. So I came home and tested and ofcourse I got a BFN. A few hours later AF is here. So yes I gave in to the temptation. Today is one sucky day :(.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Random thoughts

AF is no where to be seen. I have brown spotting for the 4th day now. I have mild cramps and the usual lower back pain. It's P14/15 today and this is unusual for me. If I wasn't tortured by endo and infertility I would have tested for Pregnancy but I know better not to go that route. I don't keep pregnancy sticks in my home to minimize the torture I put myself in during the 2WW.

I finally heard from my Dr. on Surgery schedule. It will happen in early July so no chance of me going on vacation with DH. But I am excited that this is going to happen. My goal now is to be as health as possible so I can enjoy my life, ofcouse this all depends on how successful the surgery will be but I am optimistic. I have suffered for the last 15+ years, the first 10 years I had no clue what was wrong with me. Although I was functioning I was always tired, ache, in pain and anxious.

When I was in college I worried how I would manage when I got older if I was already weak and sickly all the time. I went through the years avoiding anything that was physically and emotionally challenging. My purpose was to make it through the day and do the minimum. Work, go to school, come home, hung out with family, all the safe stuff. Now I am at a point I can't even do the safe stuffy anymore. Hoping for the best in the coming months.