Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Just can't win this fight

After 3wks in the hospital my mom came home a couple of weeks ago and things are back to normal. She is a little tired but doing OK. In a way the 3wks I spent by myself with baby was a good test, from day one I had people around me and didn't know if I could handle being home alone with baby but all was fine.

Now to the issue that is bothering me a great deal. I have written about my anxiety issues here and we all know the role of endo, chronic pain, hormonal imbalance that is tied to anxiety. I have had anxiety issues since my late teens. Over the last couple of years it has increased due to chronic pain and messed up hormones as well as stress brought on by infertility. I was feeling better while on HC and thyroid meds and then I got pregnant and had to stop taking HC. Pregnancy is the greatest thing that happened for my health. I felt great with very minimal anxiety, had lots of energy and felt hormonally stable throughout my pregnancy. While pregnant I wondered if I am going to have these issues after giving birth.

Well flocks, all the feeling is back minus the stress of infertility and endo pain. It slowly came back after giving birth. I know this is not post partum depression because I am not depressed. I am just back to the usually self with added intensity. My anxiety is pretty much general, I have irrational fear about almost everything, social situation, fear over babies well being, fear over going crazy with irrational thoughts etc. The problem is once you have seen the light i.e. free of it during pregnancy to go back to the dreaded feeling is just painful and I don't know what to do. I haven't told anyone, not even my husband about this since for someone who hasn't experience it will be difficult to understand. I am trying to understand why these feelings are back and more intense. It could be enhanced by the lack of sleep although I am managing at least 7 hours of sleep a night for the last few weeks. I have a feeling that my hormones are all over the place. A few weeks ago I had some bleeding which I guess is the first menstrual cycle after giving birth. I had another bleeding episode two weeks after that felt like a period even though it was light. I am breast feeding (pumping) but seem like that hasn't kept my cycles away. I am on LDN and it doesn't seem to help much. I just want to enjoy this time with my baby and family. This is one of the happiest time in my life and the anxiety is getting in the way. It is hard to be happy when you are continuously anxious or have disturbing thoughts.

Anyone who has gone through this or is going through this how did you deal with it? Prayers and advice appreciated.