Friday, March 28, 2014

On Money

A few months ago I came across a website on budgeting and saving for early retirement.  In an effort to divert my attention from all things fertility I have been reading some personal finance stuff.

I am after all almost 40.   I don't feel 40 or act that age for that matter.  I think I still have some maturity to do.  I look back at when my mother and aunts were around 40 and boy oh boy such a gap.   Since they started having kids at an early age and have a large extended family to manage on top of  multiple kids their maturity level at that age was nothing comparing to mine and this included finances as well.

Any how, in general I am not reckless with money but not frugal either.   I never had credit cards debt any other debt besides a small student loan and car loans.   Besides a couple of store credit cards I don't use much I only have one credit card in the last 10 years and I never use it either.   I hate owing money.   I have never carried a credit card balance ever.

During my last year of college I had to do an externship and needed a car.  So I took out some student loan and bought a new inexpensive car.    My sister was paying my car insurance until I started working after graduation.   A few months before I started working I had less than $1000 in my account which I sent half of it to go visit a friend on the west coast.    Yes crazy, and I didn't have a job lined up either so it is not like I knew I was going to be employed anytime soon.   I think that is the most irresponsible thing I ever did.    With three years of working I went to Europe twice (just vising friends), and traveled in the country a few times.   I spent a lot but  I have no regrets visiting places but I wish that I had put in more in my retirement account.

When it comes to money DH and I are pretty similar.  He is a minimalist and doesn't have a need to buy stuff or drive a shiny car.  He has no ties to material stuff.  He held off buying a car for as long as he can.  I on the other hand like to buy cloth and small stuff but unless I have the money I won't buy it and it has to be reasonably priced.   I am so glad that we are not that different when it comes to money so we rarely fight about it.

All though we have no debt except a mortgage we lack in the retirement department.  DH has a PhD so he spent a good amount of his time in school so retirement saving started very late and I did not put enough earlier on and with me  not working contribution has stopped.   In addition, we both immigrated to this country so that is an additional time spent settling in a new place that delayed any kind of saving.

Since working for me is far from reality now (endometriosis have me flat on my back again) I have been looking at ways to cut our household spending in hopes of being able to save a little more for retirement. 

Our utility bill is high, water is high and we have cable and phone bills.   We don't need cable but when we moved in to the house we couldn't get the stupid antenna to work for the basic channels.  For the first 8 years DH and I have lived together we never had cable until we moved in to our house recently and didn't miss it.  When I lived with my sister earlier on we had cable and I would sit and watch some stupid show for hours and waist a good half a day of my weekend and I wanted that to stop so when DH and I started living together I decided not to get cable.  In the process saved so much money. 

So where the saving needs to happen is to decrease our utility usage and also cut coupons for groceries.  I am aiming for 25% decrease over the next six months and see how it goes.   I am looking for ways to cut our cable.  We shall see how this will work out.   I don't want to do any extreme frugality here, after all we have to enjoy the now.   In reading up some ways to cut cost I came across a site that had listed "pooping at work" as one of the ways to save toilet paper.  Hehehehe, now that is crazy.   I hope I don't became that frugal in the process.

I am writing this so that I can be held accountable for the goal :). 


Thursday, March 13, 2014

Not Meant To Be

My due date for the first miscarriage is on April 2nd.   A couple of days ago my mind got lost on what could have been and I felt really angry and sad.   We lost our baby between 7-8wks of pregnancy and all though it was an early loss it doesn't make it easer.

My mind goes there, on what could have been if we did not lose our baby.  Right now I would have been so excited and anxious to meet our baby.  The whole family would have been in anticipation of meeting a new life.   I would be puffy on the face, feet swollen and tired but happily tired.   My husband would have graced me with his beautiful smile ever time he sees my swollen belly.   I would have been folding tiny outfits, soft blankets and overcome with joy for the life inside me.   My mother & sisters would be preparing food and helping to get the house ready for guests.   Most of all toddler MH's life would have changed for the better even though she wouldn't have know it. 

It wasn't meant to be.  I miss my baby. 

Friday, March 7, 2014

New Doctor & new hope, may be

My Napro Doc said there is a possibility that I may have A.sh.rman's syndrome based on 5 mm of endometrial lining thickness and light period during a medicated cycle.  I didn't talk to the Dr. directly, she had a nurse call me so I really couldn't ask that many questions.  Any how since I suspected something is up already I found a Dr. in the area that specializes in treating people with A.sharman's and I had my first appointment today.  

I made a mistake and made an early appointment, we are late risers and toddler MH had a hard time waking up for the 45 min drive.   I was called by the nurse after 5 min of waiting so I was feeling good about it.  I made a mistake of not having my medical history faxed from the Napro Dr.  I wanted to first meet the Dr. and see if he could help me first before I had my extensive private medical history faxed.   But I think it would have helped a lot for him to know the history prior to seeing him.

Any how the appointment went well.  He was attentive, asked me a lot of questions, didn't rush at all except he made me wait 15 min half naked prior to the exam.   After we went over my history he said he wanted to do an internal exam which I expected.  What I didn't expect was the re.ctal exam.  As soon as he said he would like to do one I wanted to run out of that office.  I hate these exams, I know I know, who likes them but I just despise it so much.  I think it was because I was hurting a lot when I had one with my Napro Doc prior to my 2nd surgery. 

The exam wasn't too bad I guess, I have had worse.  He pressed on some points that where painful so possible endo, mostly on the left side but he said overall he thinks things are OK down there as far as the endometriosis.   Since I have bleeding the estrogen he also thinks if there is any scar tissue it may not be significant.   He suspects that my lining is not responding to the estrogen and possible a receptor issue rather than scarring or a combination of both. 

So I am scheduled for a hysteroscopy in two weeks and he wants me to take 2 mgs of esterase everyday for two weeks to build up the lining.  He said he wants to look at the lining at its optimum and if there is any scar tissue he can start working on it the same day if it is not severe.  If severe then I will have to have to be under for the removal.   This visit will allow for two things, see the health of the endometrial lining as well as take care of any scar tissue.

I told him that it looked like I haven't ovulated, haven't had any fertile CM and I am on cd24 which is very unusual for me so I am sure the estrogen cream had something to do with this.  He said go ahead and start on the esterase even though we have no idea where in my cycle I am on.  I am a little uneasy to move forward with this.  Usually he will advise to it take during the follicular phase and do a cd14 or after hysteroscopy.    If I take this and AF arrives in a few days as expected then I will have to start it again, this means taking it longer than necessary and it will possibly mess up my cycle even further if I am post ovulation right now.   However, it is unlikely that I am post ovulation, since no hint of ovulation and no hint of AF.  By cd24 I would have started spotting or cramping.   I am going to wait until Sunday and if I don't see any thing will start taking it.

As much as I liked the Dr. and the possibility of solving what ever is the problem my mind keeps going back to calling it a day with infertility treatments.  I don't have it in me to fight any more.  I want to fight for my health so I can take care of my family.   I don't want to experience more losses.  I think I am ready to let it go after this treatment but surprisingly  DH doesn't seem ready.