Quick Takes

1. We spent Christmas with DH's cousins. We have been going there ever year. I remember last year’s celebration where one of DH cousin brought her 2 month old baby to the party and how it stung to be childless year after year. So this year’s Christmas was emotionally for me. It was such a happy moment but also sad. Everyone dotted around baby MH and all the kids wanted to kiss her and she was the center of attention. However, the hosts of the party are infertile and have been trying for 10 years. All I can think of was what they’re going through. On the way back home I cried in the car just overwhelmed with sadness, I know all too well what she must be going through.

2. I am enjoying breastfeeding and gratefully that it finally worked. I figured out why baby MH suddenly started breastfeeding. I have given her the breast at least once or twice a day when she is not too hungry but she will nibble and spit it out because there were not much milk coming out and she didn't want to work at it. About three weeks ago I went to my doctor to ask for HC since I was feeling so down and anxious but my doctor suggested trying taking progesterone orally. The week I started the progesterone is when she started breastfeeding successfully. The progesterone helped a lot with my constant state of anxiety and I felt immediate relive. I guess this had an effect on the let down response. I went back to work a week ago so I still have to pump but it is so nice to breastfeed and I do it every chance I get. She loves it and I love looking down at her precious face. It has been such a bonding experience.

3. Going back to work was hard the first few days. I work close by so I come home to feed her/pump so it is not so bad. Plus my mother is taking care of her so I know she is in safe hands.
I wouldn't have minded staying another month or two with my baby especially since she now is breastfeeding but this will not be feasible unless I quit my job. In this economy getting a new job is not a guarantee so I have come to accept it and enjoy what I have.

4. We have been looking for a house and have not found anything we liked. We are very limited on location and there are not many houses on the market. Hopefully we will find something before the summer. We live on a 2nd floor apt and it is not very kid friendly.

5. I am praying for all of you who are still waiting, my heart aches for you. I hope and pray that 2012 it the year.

Liebster Award & life updates

Sorry I have been missing. My computer is acting up. A couple of times I started writing a post and it shuts on me or freezes. I am attempting again and will see if I actually be able to post.

The lovely lady at Ask and It will be Given has awarded me the Liebster Award. This is my first blog award ever so I am excited. Thank You.

The Liebster Award spotlights up and coming bloggers who generally have less than 200 followers. In return for the award, the recipient bestows the award on five of their favorite bloggers.


I would like to pass on the Liebster Blog Award to the following bloggers. If you haven't read their blogs, please check them out.

1. Fruit Snacks and Freezer Jam. I love reading Coco's blog, she is honest and funny. She just had her 2nd kid after suffering with secondary infertility.

2. This Cross I Embrace. Most of you know TCIE. She has been struggling with infertility for years. I love her honesty.

3. Life from Inside the Wheelbarrow. When I started searching the internet for info on Naprotechnology and NFP her blog was most informative. I have been reading ever since.

4. Sew Hormonal: Most of you know Sew the hormone Queen. I have been reading her blog for a while. She just announced her 2nd pregnancy and I am so excited for her.

5. A Child to Call me Mama. I have been following Rachel's blog for a while. She has the most adorable baby.

I don’t know how to link the addresses so you can click on the blog name to go to the page. The link on blogger is not cooperating with me. I don’t know if I am doing it right.

Upon receipt of the Liebster Blog Award, there are a few very simple rules:

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog or emailing them.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

Some of you have already recived the award from others.

Ok on to other things.........
1. I finally went to see my Doctor asking to test for my adrenal hormones and give me HC. Since during pregnancy all my anxiety and migraines went away she thinks progesterone will help me alleviate some of these symptoms. Since I am breastfeeding she didn't want me to take HC unless it is absolutely necessary so she wants to see how I do on the progesterone. Obviously progesterone is a precursor to cortsol so if taken orally the progesterone will help raise my cortsol level. This was two weeks ago and I have been taking 200 mg of it orally before bed and I felt better right away. The difference is night and day. My anxiety level dropped and my headaches are gone. I still have some symptoms but overall doing much better.

2. I am going back to work next week and I am ok with it. I am not stressing since my Mom will be taking care of baby MH. DH will also be home for a few weeks. My plan as far as breast milk is to pump in the morning before I leave, once at lunch at work and twice after I come home. I don't think I can pump more than once at work. I usually get about 20-25 ounces/day. About three weeks ago MH finally started breastfeeding. I usually give it to her when she is not very hungry and she will take it. She has successful been breastfeeding for a good week and we both are enjoying it. For the majority of the time she still gets pumped milk since I am going to go back to work but I am so pleased that finally breastfeeding is working out.

3. MH was baptized yesterday. We had to be at church at 6am for the christening. They start Sunday service at 7 am which lasts until 11am. There were about 6 babies that were baptized at the same time. We do not eat before going to church but I have issues and cannot last until 11 am without no food. I usually get very shaky and there is the possibility of passing out :) which I didn't want to risk so I ate at 5am in the morning. We had lunch with immediate family at our house after church. At first we thought we will have a big party but we live in an apt and there is no way we can accommodate over 60 people in our tiny apt so we decided to only invite my parents and siblings.

4. I have been envious of pregnant women. Seeing a bump just makes me feel all warm and long to get pregnant again. I know this is selfish, I just had a baby three month ago but the feeling is real. Any how we are not avoiding so there is a possiblity but the infertile me knows that I may not be able to get pregnant easily so for now I am going to do nothing and enjoy my gift. I will start charting since AF showed up twice already.

Just can't win this fight

After 3wks in the hospital my mom came home a couple of weeks ago and things are back to normal. She is a little tired but doing OK. In a way the 3wks I spent by myself with baby was a good test, from day one I had people around me and didn't know if I could handle being home alone with baby but all was fine.

Now to the issue that is bothering me a great deal. I have written about my anxiety issues here and we all know the role of endo, chronic pain, hormonal imbalance that is tied to anxiety. I have had anxiety issues since my late teens. Over the last couple of years it has increased due to chronic pain and messed up hormones as well as stress brought on by infertility. I was feeling better while on HC and thyroid meds and then I got pregnant and had to stop taking HC. Pregnancy is the greatest thing that happened for my health. I felt great with very minimal anxiety, had lots of energy and felt hormonally stable throughout my pregnancy. While pregnant I wondered if I am going to have these issues after giving birth.

Well flocks, all the feeling is back minus the stress of infertility and endo pain. It slowly came back after giving birth. I know this is not post partum depression because I am not depressed. I am just back to the usually self with added intensity. My anxiety is pretty much general, I have irrational fear about almost everything, social situation, fear over babies well being, fear over going crazy with irrational thoughts etc. The problem is once you have seen the light i.e. free of it during pregnancy to go back to the dreaded feeling is just painful and I don't know what to do. I haven't told anyone, not even my husband about this since for someone who hasn't experience it will be difficult to understand. I am trying to understand why these feelings are back and more intense. It could be enhanced by the lack of sleep although I am managing at least 7 hours of sleep a night for the last few weeks. I have a feeling that my hormones are all over the place. A few weeks ago I had some bleeding which I guess is the first menstrual cycle after giving birth. I had another bleeding episode two weeks after that felt like a period even though it was light. I am breast feeding (pumping) but seem like that hasn't kept my cycles away. I am on LDN and it doesn't seem to help much. I just want to enjoy this time with my baby and family. This is one of the happiest time in my life and the anxiety is getting in the way. It is hard to be happy when you are continuously anxious or have disturbing thoughts.

Anyone who has gone through this or is going through this how did you deal with it? Prayers and advice appreciated.

This & That

1. I terribly miss my mom. She is still in the hospital, recover has been slow but she is getting there. One worries a lot while spending all day with baby and no adult conversation to occupy the mind. I have been thinking a lot about my parents and how they have aged in the last few years. It is painful to think about the mortality of your parents. I have noticed that both are slower and sight, hearing and other things are getting weaker. My husband’s family are back home and we call them every weekend and I see the pain in his eyes after we talk to them, I wish they were closer.

2. Breastfeeding has not been successful. When we were at the hospital she latched on right away and we were happy for the first two days and all changed when a night nurse decided to give her the bottle. I couldn't stop her because it was in the middle of the night and baby has lost a lot of weight and the nurse had no clue when it comes to alternative feeding instead of the bottle. So once she got the bottle she had issues staying at the breast. I got a lot of help from the lactation consultants at the hospital. I have never been so happy when being complemented that I had the perfect nipple for breast feeding :). Obviously that is not enough. For the first two weeks we fed with tube supplement at the breast but it was hard. She screamed at every feeding and by the time her belly is full we were both exhausted. I had very minimal let down and she was not having it. I thought about it for a good day and decided to give her the bottle. I am only home for 3 month and she eventually will have to be bottle fed. She gets pumped milk except for two formula feedings during the night. This seems to have worked. I still haven't given up, I give her the breast when she is not too hungry and she is at it for 5 min at a time before she starts crying. Sew, sorry I tried.

3. Since baby is bottle fed my husband takes one of the feedings during the night. He is a light sleeper and when we started giving her the bottle he would just get up both times and not wake me up. Of course he couldn't keep it up since he has to get up early to go to work so now he takes the first night feeding and both of us manage to at least get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep at a time. He has been very active with baby duties. He is home on Friday's and weekends and pretty much does most of the feeding and taking care of the baby while I tend to the house. I am blessed to have such a supportive husband.

4. I am 6lb away from my pre-pregnancy weight. I only gained 25 lb so I guess it is not much to lose.

5. A few weeks ago I found out that my boss had shuffled people that work under me and had moved one of the most productive members of my group to another group. I was very upset. From the looks of it they were planning to do this but waited until I went on maternity leave and I hate when people are sneaky. I sent an e-mail to my boss saying that I wasn't happy with the changes and how it was done. I am only away for 3 freaking months and they pretend that I am taking years. I decided that I am not going to let this spoil my maternity leave and just left it at that. Now I only check my work e-mail once a week and don't think about it much. What I need is to polish my resume and be ready to jump when an opportunity comes along.

Maternity

I wrote this two weeks ago and never got a chance to post it. Unfortunately my mom got sick a week ago and needed to have her gallbladder removed. She is still in the hospital due to some complications. Please pray for her. I have been home alone for the past week. It was a shocker for me to go from having someone cater to me 24/7 to suddenly have no one with a baby during the day. I am managing and mostly just worried sick about my mom. We are hoping and praying that she comes home in a couple of days. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have a lot of family in the area, we total over 60 people, this includes, uncles, cousins siblings and nieces. It is a lot for a family that immigrated to the US within the last 20 years. I figured I share a few things from our culture during a birth of a child. Don’t quote me on it, this is my experience based on living in the city and each region has its own customs.

1. We have a family get together (woman only) where we celebrate the upcoming birth of a child. This I guess is the equivalent of a baby shower but no gifts are bought for the baby. It is considered bad luck to buy gifts before a child is born. So for my baby shower the family gave me money and gifts were given after the baby arrived.

2. After the birth of a child the woman in the family play a cructial role during the recovery of the mother. A woman is suppose to rest for 40 days after birth and the mothers, aunts or grandmothers are there for the entire time. My mom came two days before my scheduled c-section and I ended going in to labor the night she came. She will be staying with me the entire 3 month of maternity leave. Not everyone’s mother can do this but it is the norm to at least help out for the first 40 days.

3. After giving birth for the first 10 days the mother is suppose to stay in bed and only focus on feeding the baby. The rest is taken care of by relatives. I think on the 10th day the mother and baby go outside for some sun bathing. I was actually moving around right after I came from the hospital. My mother kept complaining to anyone that listened that I had ignored her orders. For the first two wks our days involved with her giving me food & drinks ever couple of hours and telling me to lie down, put socks on, put my night gown on in 80C weather :). Lets just say I should have listened to her specially in taking the much needed rest when baby was asleep. I had a lot of visitors and I felt obliged to keep them company and I was also restless. No one expects the new mother to be entertaining guests; she is to stay in her bedroom with the baby. By the third wk I was feeling the loss of sleep and was so tired and my back was hurting.

4. As far as food there are a few items new mothers constantly eat/drink. We have a drink made of roasted barley flour. It is boiled in water with spiced clarified butter and honey. This is to be drank throughout the day and night and believed to help with breast milk. Since I am on gluten free diet my mom made it with the root flour of F..alse Ban.an.a Tree which is also used back home. In addition we make a drink of roasted flaxseed flour with honey that I have been drinking nonstop. For guests porridge made of barley floor with spiced clarified butter is offered. I actually used to like the porridge but since on gluten free diet I couldn’t touch it.

5. It is customary for guests to bring cooked food. This is done throughout the pregnancy and after. I think I have been enjoying this most especially my aunts cooking. I think my mom is also enjoying it since she gets to see a lot of family. I am so greatful for family and they make this wonderful life changing event more enjoyable.

Birth Story

The weekend before I had the baby my belly had dropped. I went to a family party on Saturday and everyone was telling me I was going to have this baby soon.

DH and I had meant to take maternity photos, it was all on me to organize this and I even bought two dresses (bought at 6 month pregnancy) and I had not scheduled a photo shoot anywhere. I had an excuse every weekend, mostly not having my hair done. So that weekend was the only chance since c-section was scheduled for Thursday.

I called all the department stores on Sunday trying to make same day appointment for the photo shoot and none of them could take us in since they are usually overbooked on weekends. At the last minute DH remembered a photo studio that took walkins so we took the chance, got ready and headed there. When we walked in they had no customer so we got in quickly, took about 1h and we were done. I was bouncing off the wall with a lot of energy so we decided to head to our favorite E.thiopian restaurant in DC for a last meal.

On Sunday night I walk up multiple times and couldn't fall asleep for more than an hour at a time. Besides getting up to pee multiple times I had no issues with staying asleep during the pregnancy. I had told my boss I will be in on Monday to finalize some last minute stuff. I scheduled all my meetings for the morning so I can work from home the rest of the day. I went out to lunch with a co-worker and I was telling her I felt different. I went home, worked for about 3 hours. DH picked up my mom that night. For the two days before the c-section I had planned to get my house ready for guests, cook and do some stuff with my mom.

We ate dinner and had some coffee and my mom headed to bed. DH and I were watching TV and around 11 I started getting contractions. I told DH and told him to go to sleep; I took a hot shower and slept for about 1h. After that I couldn't sleep through the contractions so I sat in my living room, snacked, read blogs and checked my e-mail. From the start the contractions were 5 min apart and they were just like period cramps and not the worst I have had so I figured it may just be early labor. I was told to go in to the hospital if I had regular contractions every 5min for 30 min, but I kind of ignored that direction. I just didn't believe that I was in labor, just seem so easy. After 4 hours of contractions and losing my mucus plug, I walk up DH and told him it is time to go to the hospital. We got there at 4 am and checked in.

The nurse checked me and said I was 4 cm dilated. She told me I had a high tolerance for pain since I was just laying there through the contractions. I had called my Dr. before I went in to the hospital but he never answered his phone. When we got to the hospital the nurse called him but his partner was the one on call. She came in about an hour after and I asked her to check in one more time if the baby is still breech so they did a quick US and baby still was head up so they started prepping me for the c-section.

I hated being held down for the epidural and laying there with my hands spread out on the operating room was weird to say the least. They brought in DH after I got the epidural. At some point during the c-section I thought I was going to throw up and imagined chocking to death while pinned down on the operating table. I also felt that my heart was racing and I felt the the tugging/pulling sensation. I heard baby scream and I was so relieved. They called DH to see the baby and within a few minutes he brought her to my side so I can have a look. It took another half an hour or so to complete the surgery. I was taken to the recovery room for a few hours and DH went with the nurse to see the baby being washed and checked.

They brought the baby in the recovery room and she latched on the breast right away. She is the smallest precious thing I have ever seen.

By the time all was done my two sisters, my dad and mom had made it to the hospital. I am so glad that I went in to labor, even though I was only in labor for 6 hours I am glad I experienced it. I wanted a natural birth but it was not meant to be but I am happy at how things turned out.

Meet MH

Our baby girl was born on Tuesday morning. Sorry I just haven’t gotten a chance to update sooner. Hospital stay was filled with some drama with breastfeeding issues, supplementation, weight loss etc.

She was born 5lb and 1oz, 19.5 inches, was smaller than thought, the last US showed closer to 6 lb. Any how she lost 10% of her body weight by day 2 so we had to start supplement.

I am back home now and she is doing good, still using SNS to supplement at the breast so she can gain weight faster. My milk finally came in yesterday but still flowing slow so I am struggling and feeding is a team work right now. Hubby will go back to work tomorrow and I don't know how I am going to manage. She is very irritable with just the breast since it is not flowing as fast as she wants. I am drinking and eating as much as possible so we will see how this progress. I am also pumping and I am on the verge of giving her the bottle and just continue with the pumping.
My back is out and I am tired from too little sleep but that is to be expected. I have so much respect for all mothers out there :). This little girl is kicking our butts but she is the cutest thing ever. I will update more when I get a chance.

Baby m h is here thank you for your prayers, will update soon

Possibly in Labor

On Sunday baby dropped. I finally experienced the sleepless tossing/turning nights that pregnant women complain of. Tonight before bed I started having cramps. Try to sleep it off but walk up within an hour so I have been up since 1am. It feels just like menstrual cramps and now it is about 5 min apart and I just lost my mucus plug, showed up all tinted with blood so it seem like the show has started.
My Doc. said to go in to the hospital if I experience contractions 1min apart every 5 min for at least 30 min. Since baby hasn't turned head down this is going to end up in a c-section so I don't want to wait too long at home but I don't want to go there and be told it is false labor. My section is scheduled for Thursday. The contractions are painful enough that I can't sleep through them but they are not the worst cramps I have had so I am thinking this is very early labor.
Surprising I am too calm. Hubby on the other hand is not so I haven’t told him that they are coming 5 min apart so he is drooling away as I type this. I am going to monitor my condition for the next 1h and make a decision.

Please pray that all goes well. Will update as soon as I can.

No title

I finally have accepted that baby girl most likely will not turn head down this late in the game and I am OK with it. I am sure there is a reason and at 38wks there is not enough space to move around but if she does decide to turn last minute that is fine too.

My c-section is scheduled for next Thursday, 3 days before my due date and I am at peace with it. I have packed my hospital bag with all necessities. This week will be my last week at work, I have a lot to do so maybe I will work from home on Monday. I need at least a couple of days to unwind and sit still and wait for my baby.

Last week I had another measurement done and baby has gained a little over 1 lb. I am over the moon. I think baby was fine all along and I know I wasn't eating enough in the 2nd trimester hence the growth slowdown. But since I have started eating more she has been gaining at ever measurement and everything is normal. I get the feeling that all the screening and US was just done out of being super careful. Once you are considered a high risk they just want to do everything. I am glad the service is provided but I am tired of the three day a week Dr. appointments but they are finally coming to an end.

My OB doesn't want to attempt turning the baby either, he said it was not worth the pain and usually not successful. I asked him about it but I had already decided that I wasn't going to consider it after I read a little on the subject. No reason to take the risk and also pain.

My biggest worry is breastfeeding and I know it may be harder after a c-section so praying that all goes well.

DH bought me an I pad and I am loving it. It will be easy to read blogs while I am recovering.

36wks & Terrified of the C word

Thank God for the three day weekend coming up. I need the rest. Earlier this week I kind of crashed, I would come home from work and take a long nap but after a couple of days of extra sleep I am feeling much better.

Baby is still a breech and I am begging her to turn. After going through two laparoscopy surgeries and the painful recovery especially of the 2nd surgery, I just don't want to be cut. I am terrified of C-sections and also feel like I am going to miss out on the experience of being able to go to labor and birth normally. I know I know what matters is a healthy baby and health Mama at the end of it but I need to deal with the emotions that come from not having it the way I imagined it would be. I am 36wks 3 days and the chance of baby turning is slim. I can happen but most likely not I guess. I am doing the slanted positions to get her to turn but I don't want to do anything that is painful or may hurt baby or bring on a labor. She needs to stay in as long as possible since she is small. The fetal medicine specialist says if she is still a breech by end of 38wks we will be scheduling a C-section for 39wks and I am trying to slowly accept my fate and get used to the idea. After all this is the greatest thing that has happened for us and giving birth naturally is a small part of it. I am now going to the fetal specialist twice a week to check for blood flow to the baby and measurements every two weeks. Everything looks great except for her being on the small side.

I left work early today and had lunch/dinner at a nice restaurant with my hubby. There were a few people with babies in the restaurant and hubby and I couldn't stop staring. He is going to be such a great Dad.

My mom will be sleeping in the spare bedroom which will eventually be the baby's bedroom. We have bought a new bed and mattress and making it so cozy so that she stays longer when baby comes :)

I bought the M.ed.la breast pump, so expensive, why does a stupid pump cost $300. I won't open it until it is absolutely needed in case I have to return it.

A co-worker told me she just found out she is pregnant. They weren’t planning on having a second just yet and she is a little overwhelmed. A friend of mine is also pregnant after two month of giving birth. After hearing both news I couldn’t help but think of my infertile self. I am so trilled for them but I was a little jealous even though I am caring a baby myself. Once infertile always infertile I guess. I think of how deeply I would be saddened if I was still waiting for my turn and I heard both announcements.

Hope you all enjoy the long weekend. I sure will be spending it in bed J

Quick Takes

1. I am now seeing the fetal specialist Dr. twice a week to check blood flow to the baby. Every two weeks baby is measured. Yesterday she measured 4lb 4oz, still small but gained about 9 oz in two weeks, still on the low side of gain. I am a little freaked out by what the cause of growth restriction but hoping I go full term so she can get a little bigger. I am hoping she gains at least 2lb in the last 4wks. Hoping that all goes well when she arrives.

2. Eating constantly have been a challenge since I am limited to what I can eat but I am really trying. Plus I don't crave much of anything except bread which I can't have.

3. I am so excited that my due date is coming soon and I am also nervous. I am so lucky to have my mother staying with me for a few months. She may also end up taking care of the baby for a few months after I go back to work.

4. I am struggling to focus at work; I am all geared up for a baby and not very motivated to go above and beyond for my job. I have a few deadlines that I need to meet before I go on maternity leave plus hire for a temp position to replace me, haven’t put that much effort in to that either.

5. Physical I am doing well, a lot better than a few weeks ago. I just can't believe how easy this pregnancy has been.

6. We have bought all the essentials but still need a few things so one more trip to the store is necessary. We also need to clean up our house and put everything in order.

7. Sorry this post is all about baby, I can't think of anything else right now.

Slowly Approaching

My due date is slowly approaching, only a little over 5wks to go and that is if I make it that far.
My last scan showed all is good, baby is still small but growing. She hasn't turn head down yet and the technician had a nerve to say "this looks like a C-section baby". The scan was at 34wks, what makes her think that the baby would not turn over the next 6wks. I just ignored her comment. I hate people throwing the C-section word as if it is nothing and the normal thing to do. If baby doesn't turn by 36/37 wks I will attempt the exercise that they recommend on some of the birthing books I bought.

Walking has been challenging and I am starting to wobble but for the most part it is my knees and my soles that are hurting.

My co-workers had a baby shower for me, it was really nice. A few people know our struggle with infertility and the messages on the cards were so touching and it makes me happy that people are really excited for us. We got a lot of cloth and some big items. I still have a few items to buy, sheets for the co-sleeper and a few minor things but we have all the essentials now.
Sometimes I think of this blessing and remember where we were last year when I was having a hard time recovering from surgery. I thank God ever day for this experience.

I see the excitement on DH's face and it just makes me even happier. He is going to be a great dad.

Quick Takes

I don't think I have ever done quick takes but I will attempt
1. I read a fiction a month ago worth mentioning incase anyone is interested, my Dr. suggested it. It is "Cut.tting for S.tones" by Abr.aham V.ergh.ese. I may be a little biased since the story is set in my home country but I loved it.

2. My routine these days have been to come home and sit on a couch for a couple of hours until my hubby comes home to give me dinner. I am loving the special treatment I am getting.

3. Hips are starting to hurt but I am amazed how easy this pregnancy has been so far.

4. My biggest fear is the endometriosis coming back to haunt me after birth. I cannot imagine being in that kind of pain and emotional anguish. I feel like I am asking to much from God after all the blessing, my recent prayer have been please God cure me from this disease. I can't imagine dealing with it again.

7. My family threw me a baby shower last week. We mostly got money and a few items. We still have not bought anything for the baby yet. We are going to buy the essentials this weekend.
8. Every time I see hubby I get giggle, I am thrilled that he is going to be a father. Wow, that was my worst fear and the most painful to think that hubby might never be able to be a father.

9. I have been feeling sad and have cried a number of times. My sister passed away in early 2010, she was my closest sibling and she will never see me pregnant or with a baby. Yesterday I woke up in the middle of the night and started crying, I will have to grief the loss of sharing this experience with her. During our infertile years she always said it will happen for us and supported us in every possible way. I miss her so much.

I should stop here, crying again.

Praying for all of you who are still waiting for your blessing.

All the eating paid off

I had an ultrasound this morning. I am always tense before ultrasounds. It’s been two weeks since the last measurement where we were told baby girl was too small and measuring a week behind. I ate like crazy and gained at least 3lb over the two weeks.

At 31wk 3d she is a little over 3lb, she gained a full lb over the last two week. I am over the moon that this is going well. I don't care how much weight I gain at this point, I am just going to keep snacking away. I have less than 9 wks to go and I am getting nervious.

31 wks

I am 31wks today. Wow, time flies. This week is the first time I felt really tired and slow to the bones. My hips and knees hurt and the fact that I haven’t walked much due to the heat wave the last few weeks doesn't help.
Since I couldn't do the 3h glucose test I have been monitoring my glucose level. It doesn't look too good, the highest has been 210, cut off is at 135 after a meal. Since i am on a gluten free diet I don't eat a lot of carbs so the change is not a big deal for me but it still takes away a few things that I have been enjoying. No rice, sweetened yogurt, smoothes with fruit, potatoes etc.
Today I saw my OB, I have gained 6lb in a month, the nonstop snacking is helping. I have a scan on Friday to assess baby's growth, praying that all is good.
I had a conversation with my OB today, just came out and told him that I would like to avoid a c-section unless it is absolutely necessary and also mentioned that I want to avoid being induced if possible. Since I have GD they he will not let me pass the due date if things don't start naturally. I just mentioned it so he knows where I stand. I just hope that baby girl have caught up in growth and all is good.
I mentioned on a previous post that one of my husband cousin and his wife are going through infertility. I suspected it but never asked but finally DH talked to him, I am so glad he did because they are open to try Na.protech. They have been trying for 10 years. Please pray for them.

Keeping Birth in Perspective

This week I have been pre-occupied with birth, I am not particular worried but I am constantly thinking about it. I am 30wks PG now and I tried to register for Bradley birthing class but non close by that was not full so I gave up, my fault, I was late. I have ordered three birthing books and will be reading a lot in the coming weeks. I feel totally not prepared for birth.

A few months ago I was watching a documentary on TV on traveling midwives in E.thiopia that go to remote areas and teach women prenatal and birthing care. During the documentary they had a midwife interview a woman in her mud hut and asked her where she usually give birth. The hut is pretty small and only one room. So the woman gets up and guides the midwife outside and takes her to another little hut where the chickens and animals are kept and says she labors in the main hut and when it is almost time to have the baby she comes to the hen house and give birth on the mud floor so she doesn't mess up the main hut. Every time I think of birth I think of that woman. Being from E.thiopia it touches me close to my heart, she looks like me and talk the same language but our experience are vastly different. Here I am sitting on my recliner reading on natural birth, hospital birth, pain killer, what baby items to buy and so on and it always brings me back to this woman and I say to myself to relax and to think of how lucky I am to have the privilege of better care and multiple options.

Small Baby-worried

Since I threw up the sugar drink at my first 3h test my stomach hasn't been right in the mornings. So I knew if I attempted again most likely I will throw it up. So I called my OB and left a message on what to do but he never got back to me.

Since I have been going to a fetal medicine specialist for a while for my ultrasound I figured I should just continue to go there since it is close to my work and I also think they do a better job. They had told me since I am cleared for complications I can do the ultrasounds at my OB office. Anyhow I had an ultrasound appointment with them this past Friday and I am glad I went to them.

Everything seems to be fine as far as blood flow to the baby, most measurements and physical stuff. They couldn't get a clear picture of baby girl since she had both her hands on her face and didn't want to move it. I was so excited to hear blood flow to the baby was pretty good because that is one thing they said to monitor at the last ultrasound. Baby weight is measuring small for 29wks, she is about a week behind (only 2lb & 4 onces). So when the Dr. came in and started reviewing the finding with me the first thing she said was I have to stop working which kind of caught me off guard. She doesn't want me to be sitting for a long time which affects blood circulation to baby and restrict growth but once I told her that i have not gained much weight over the last 6wks she calmed down a little and said I need to increase my food intake dramatically and I will be watched every week :(. I have been told to cut back my work schedule to 5hs a day and we will see how it goes.

I hope this is a case of not enough calorie intake and not anything else. I know I wasn't eating more than usually but I am not hunger much and the fact that I gained 14lb within 4 month at the beginning made me think I was doing fine.

Since Friday I have been a little piggy eating 5-6 times a day. The Dr. also wants me to start on protein shakes 2 times a day. For now I am just going to try smoothes made with yogurt, milk, fruits and flax seed and see how I do. I hate protein shakes.
I have also been excused from the 3h test and was instead told to monitor my glucose level before and after a meal throughout the next two wks.

I can't believe how time flies, in about 10 wks we will be meeting our baby girl. In the mean praying that all goes well and baby girl starts responding to the increased calorie intake.

Nasty sugar drink

The other day I went to La.bcorp for 3h glucose test and was told I needed an appointment which I made for Sat morning. I fasted for at least 10 hours and was feeling fine besides the hunger pain. It took me less than 5 min to drink the stuff even though it was nasty, can't handle sweet stuff in the morning. All was fine until after 45 min, and all of it came out :(. Glad I had plastic bags in my purse for this purpose because I walked out of the waiting area looking for a restroom and non on the same floor so had to throw up in the hallway.
I was told I need to come back so I made another appointment for next Sat. The drink is awful once it sits in your stomach for a few minutes. I am just hoping that I don't throw it all up again. After the ordel DH took me out for a big breakfast, baby and I were very happy :).

I am starting to eat a little more than usual but it is so hard to find things to snack on when on Gluten free diet. All the snacks I crave involve bread with melted cheese, penut butter, or some kind of spread. After going through a food book at the book store, forgot the title, it says it your great grandmother doesn't reconginze the food you are consuming then don't eat it so I am trying to stick by that mantra since it makes a lot of sense. I don't have to go back to great grandma, my E.thioian grandmother wouldn't recongnize all the process food I cosume.

I have joined a local CSA sharing with a friend of mine and I am a bit disappointed by the amount of produce they give us. We pick our share ever other week but the choices are limited and size very small. I wouldn't mind the limited choice but if you give me kale I don't want something that can only supplement one meal, I want a few bunches. Pluse they seem to harvest some of the produce way to early, like beets, I have never seen beets that small and very bitter.

I don't think it is worth the drive and money spent. I think we are better off buying what we want from a farmers market.

Blogger is not letting me leave comments. It asks for sign in even though I am already signed on.

Failed

I failed the first glucose test, bummer :(. I am going to schedule the second one for next week.


I saw my OB early this week after a good 6 wks because I forgot that I had an appointment once and he canceled on me on the second one. Anyhow, he started by asking me if I am still having problems to which I answered what problems? Obviously he doesn't read his chart properly but I had told him that the Fetal medicine Dr. had said I may be in high risk group for preeclampsia based on the low PAPP-A level but that I am doing fine and have no symptoms. My husband said the OB is not attentive and he is disappointed.
He also told me I should have at least two ultrasound between now and birth. Gave me a choice that I can do it at the Fetal medicine Dr. or his office. I prefer the fetal medicine Dr. since they have better equipment and are better trained to handle complications.

I have only gained 0.5lb over the last 6wks so I have been told to up my food in take a little and gain at least 11lb until birth. Most of my weight gain was during the first 14wks. I have only gained 14lb so far.

Praying that I pass the second glucose test. I have been told I need to come in every two weeks for check up, if I fail the second test it would be every week for the next 12 wks.

C-Section vs. Natural Birth

I was talking to a family friend who expressed concern because her daughter who is a nurse said she is going to have an elective c-section instead of a vaginal birth. Her main reason is that things down there may not go back to normal and that she doesn't want to deal with labor pain. Now this is the third person I know within the last year that have elected to go for a scheduled c-section and all three women work in health care. How crazy is this, what person in their right mind will go for a major surgery over a vaginal birth? I expected more from these women since they are nurses and are better informed of the risk associated with c-section but are still opting for it without any medical need. Is there something I don't know? Nature intended for babies to come out of the vagina and when there are complications I understand the need for a C-section. But to actually choose c-section over vaginal birth because you don't want your lady parts to possible change after a vaginal birth or to not want to deal with the pain is kind of disturbing and absurd. What next, people wanting to be pregnant but would rather have medical science come up with technology to be able to have a pregnancy outside of the body so pregnancy doesn't ruin their figure or avoid the ups/downs of pregnancy?

Still Around

Sorry I have been missing in action. My laptop died a few weeks ago, had some kind of virus and Hubby took a week to get rid of it. I have also been extremely busy at work. My boss will be changing departments which leaves me with a lot more responsibility until they figure out what to do.

Pregnancy is going very well. I had an OB appointment for my routine checkup but he canceled on me so that has been postponed until next week. I will also be doing the glucose tolerance test which I am not looking forward to. Baby is moving a lot but I feel her way low and sometimes when she kicks she makes me run to the bathroom.

One of my DH relative has been married more than 7 years and has no children. We see them at family gatherings at least 3-4 times a year and I always had wanted to ask about their situation. I am certain that they want kids but since we are not so close and they have not talked about it I was never comfortable to ask. We haven’t seen them since I got pregnant and last week we met the husband for coffee to discuss something else but I was a little nervous on how he would react to the pregnancy. I have been on the other end and knowing how painful it is when someone announces they are pregnant I felt a little anxious. He was so happy for us and he mentioned to hubby how blessed we are to be expecting. I want to help and let them know of our experience and see what they have tried but I just don't feel close enough to mention it. So I have asked DH to meet him and tell him about our experience in hopes that he will be comfortable and open about their situation.

On other news we have started looking for houses. We are not ready to buy yet but thinking that we may act on it after the baby is born. I don’t want a big house, I want a house that we can afford with just one salary but around here that is almost impossible unless it is a condo or a very old small house. Hopefully we will save enough to at least put 20% down by the fall. It is nice to have our own home, a few weeks ago the A/C broke down in the middle of the 90 plus degree heat wave and boy I was dying. The landlord took a good two weeks to have a new unit put in. Pregnancy and hot weather do not go together.

Feeling Better

After two weeks of what seem like prepregnancy symptoms, i.e migraines, fatigue, and anxious feeling I am back to "normal". After about a week I figured out that the return of these symptoms could be connected to not being on the progesterone shot. About a little over three weeks ago my levels were high enough (56.5 ng/mL) and Dr. S told me that I can stop the shots.
I think my body needed to get used not having the shots and now I am back to feeling better.

People at work ask me how I am feeling on a daily bases and I don't have a reference. I usually tell them better than prepregnancy but people don't understand. They usual wait for the I am tired or my back hurts answer. I really don't have a reference in to how I should be feeling since I felt ill before pregnancy. Now I can walk for longer, sit up straight, less fatigued or tense since I don't have the Endo pain digging inside and it is amazing.

Baby girl is kicking away and I feel her more and more but too early to be seen from outside. I am 22 wks and that is more than half way and I don't know where the time went. I only have four months to go and that is pretty scary and exciting at the same time.

The other day I was watching "Pregnant in America" and it was pretty interesting. It is a little harsh on the current medical system so you have to take it with a grain of salt but has good points on why we have 30% of C-section rate and the widely use of drugs etc. The "at home" births on the movie just makes giving birth so darn easy, I wish I had the guts to do that but I am seriously thinking of refusing epidural unless it becomes unbearable. My mother had eight kids with no drugs and I don't hear her complaining how labor pain was so bad so may be I can do it to, after all my pain threshold is pretty high thanks to Endo.

I took the week off from work and will go on a two day trip but staying in town for the rest and will be spending time with hubby. I really wanted to go to Aruba but just terrified of flying while pregnant. The first trimester bleeding has scared me enough that I just don’t want to take any chances.

I am just so happy to be where we are now and thanking god for the child growing inside of me. I love being pregnant, will see if I feel the same in the third trimester and summer heat :).

HYPO Again :(

I just want to start by saying that I know how though mother's day was for those who are still waiting. I was there not too long ago and I wish and pray for each one of you that God blesses you with a child.

Since I found out I was pregnant I have been feeling much better than pre-pregnancy as far as energy and over all well being but that seem to be ending. Since last week I have been feeling sluggish and it is getting worse by the day. The tension headaches are back, my back and shoulders are sore and my back feels inflamed. This week the headaches are a little more intense. From what I read headaches during the 2nd trimester are rare and mostly occur during first trimester but I am not normal and I know these things don't apply to me.

I have also experienced some hypoglycemic symptoms. I went to my lovely Dr. who treats my thyroid last Friday and my TSH level is a little high. Mind you it has never been high before so it seem like most likely pregnancy is the cause. My reverse T3 is also a little high which we have seen time and time again so the Dr. increased my T3 medication from 30 mcg to 40 mcg. I don't know if that would do the trick but I hope that would be the fix.

I had some fries at dinner over the weekend and seem to have been glutened. I pretty much convinced my self they are too high end resturant to mix frying oil for fries and other things but I was wrong. For the next two days I had IBS symptoms. Although I am doing OK with my diet of no gluten I have given to the temptation of caffeine and dairy. I crave coffee a lot which is odd because I never drank coffee before except occasionally , like once a week or so. But now just to curb the craving I have a half cup a day with some milk. This could also be contributing to my symptoms so coffee is out starting from today.

Once you test the freedom of feeling OK and not getting up with a stupid headache and feeling foggy on a daily bases, to go back to that is torture. Today I forgot to pack a snack except for some corn chips and by 5 pm my glucose hit bottom because I was shaky and was about to pass out. I shoved the corn chips in my mouth like a maniac and once I calmed a little bit I ran out and drove home.

Did I ever say how much I love my Dr., she is amazing. Last week is the second time that I have seen her since the pregnancy and she is still so excited about the baby. She also said she has added as to her nightly prayer list. I am so blessed to have found someone that is compassionate and able to treat me.

I had my 20 wk ultrasound last week and all looks good. Baby girl was face down so they couldn't get a good picture but that is fine. I have been told that I am at a high risk for Preeclampsia and now I am on a low dose Aspirin. This is because I had a very low PAPP-A level during the 1st trimester screening. I am not going to worry about it at this point.

Happy Easter

Hope all of you had a blessed Easter. Being orthodox my DH did the 7 weeks fasting from any animal products. I am so proud of him, he usually has 12 hour work days with only a peanut butter sandwich for lunch beofre he eats dinner. I didn't go to church either, I missed last years because of Endo pain and now because of pregnancy. I don't think I could have handled the 6 hour service on Saturday night. Of course DH went with some family but I attended on line, not the same thing but made me feel like I was part of it.

We celebrated Easter at my brothers, it was low key and relaxing. My parents went home for a few month so it was a little bit quite. It is weird to celebrate holidays without them.

On the pregnancy front I am down to one shot per week of progesterone, level was 41.5 ng/ml last time I test so most likely if it goes up next time Dr. S might take me off of it.

I am feeling really good physically, I don't remember the last time I felt this good health wise and thanking God for this miracle.

Good Friday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkdjHouqIuY&feature=related

Hands Wide Open

We saw the fetal medicine specialist that my OB suggested. I made the appointment for consultation and ultrasound and was prepared to decline the amino test. We had a 20 min consultation at the beginning where they tried to scare the hell out of me but kept it realistic and said only a 1% chance. Based on the first trimester test we they said we had 1:100 chance of having a baby with Tri.somy 18. This was due to mostly having a very low PAPP-A . So they laid out all the options for us but pushed for the amino test. I am sure they get a lot of money for this test. I told them even though the chance of having an abortion from such a procedure is very low we just were not willing to take the chance and risk complication.
So with that said they took me for an ultrasound where we spent more than 30 min doing all kind of measurements. While reading about Tris.omy 18 babies one of abnormalities that would appear on the ultrasound is that babies will not be able to separate there fingers and is usually in a fist position. As soon as they zoomed to the hands my tension just melted away. Yes baby girl had both her hands wide open for us to count each finger.
The Dr. came in and reviewed the ultrasound result and said all looked fine but that this is not an exclusive test but said it is reassuring that baby is looking good and measuring right on time with all measurements in the normal range. That is all I needed.
Yes it is a baby girl all though they said they weren't a 100% sure since I am only 16 wks.
So excited that things are progressing well.

Sex during pregnancy

I can't believe I am writing about this but why not. So DH and I have stopped relations :) since we found out that I am pregnant. At first two scared to due to bleeding during first trimester. I am all fine with this but the last month I have been dreaming like crazy about it. How odd is that. I hear that it is common in pregnancy but still strange. Who knows I may attack DH during one of these dreams. That would be really funny.

Knowing that my boss couldn't keep a secrete I went ahead and told him that I am PG. Of course he couldn't keep it in and sent a few people to ask me if I had any news. Heheheh, he is too funny. I don't care at this point. I just hope that all will be well with baby at next weeks check up.

A co-worker is also pregnant and due two days after me. She is not showing at all unlike me. It became so obvious this week and I am down to one non-maternity pant I can wear.

I went on line and bought a couple of pants from M.otherHood Mater. and the package came today and both pants fit perfectly. Its hard to find petite maternity pants in stores unless you are ready to pay $70 a pair.

Stressing a Little

I have been kind of guarded sharing much recently. I had the first trimester triple screening on my 12 weeks and last week my OB called and told me that we have a 1% chance of having a baby with Try.somy 18. I didn't know how to react to such news. I know it is only a 1% chance but it is still a possibility.

The OB suggested that we go for an Amnio test. Prior to this news DH and I have talked about this that even if there is a chance that there is something wrong with the baby that we will not of course make a decision to end it so why bother doing the amnio test and risk miscarriage. My OB of course scared the hell out of me. Most babies with Try.somy 18 either are stillborn or die within a few days after birth. So of course his first advice is to go for Amnio and if positive to have an abortion.

I struggled for a week with the news before I called the specialist my OB referred. The first thing they will do is have a consultation and do an ultrasound. The ultrasound should be able to show physical abnormalities caused by Try.somy 18 but it is not conclusive. Before making a decision I am going to wait until I have the ultrasound. If the ultrasound shows some abnormalities the only benefit to doing the amnio is to verify the result and we will be better prepared to handle it.
I had decided that I would tell my boss at 13/14 weeks but now I am having second thoughts. I ware scarves to hide my small bump but I have seen a few people looking and wondering.
Morning nausea is picking up, I thought it would gradually go away by second trimester but I have thrown up a few times in the morning this week but it usually goes away after breakfast.
The ultrasound appointment is not until 2nd week of April and the wait is killing me. For now I am going to assume that I am caring a healthy baby. It is so hard to enjoy the pregnancy with such news hangs over my head. Please pray that all is good. Thanks.

Feeling Good

I am telling you, if God allows it I want to be pregnant every year. I may be speaking too soon but this pregnancy has done wonders for my health. It is an understatement what Endo had done to my health. I have no migraine headaches, no Endo pain except minimal lower back pain most likely due to posture issues because of Endo. My mood is so much better, no more of the hormonal up and down hell. No more of the intense panic attacks.

I have underestimated how much the Endo had control of my life. I knew that the hormonal issues did contribute to the anxiety and over all well being. But boy do I feel so much better. Over the last couple of weeks my anxiety level has gone down significantly. When I have a physically and mentally challenging day at work with multiple deadlines and all day meetings I use to wake up multiple times during the night and break down in tears before I go to work. This pregnancy has given me some break. I have actually given a couple of presentations the last couple of day with minimally panic moments. Obviously it takes some time to recover mentally even if the physical aspect of it has been taken care of.

Therapy is going ok but I don't think it is helping me much. My therapist is a very kind and gentle woman but I feel like I haven't learnt much over the few secessions we have had. I will keep it going and see how it goes. I still have a long way to go on how to manage physical and emotional stress.

On the pregnancy side I am still experiencing some brown spotting at times which is scary but I had given it to God. There is nothing I am going to bring from being over worried about it. The Progesterone shots are going fine but my butt is numb and sometimes it is really painful. I have gained 5 lb so far and I have only 2 work pants that fit and most likely will not fit me after 2 weeks or so. I went shopping for maternity pants today and it felt really weird. Two month ago I would never have thought I would be in such a store. At the store they tried to get my address and I refused to give it. I am not ready to be flooded with baby advertisements, diaper samples etc. just yet.

Progestrone Over Dose-Help Please

So since week 4 of pregnancy I have been doing progesterone shots and also vaginal capsules. Dr. S.tegman was out of the office at the time and I was assigned to a different Dr. From the instructions of my injections I thought I was suppose to be on both the progesterone capsules and also the inject twice a week.

A couple of days ago I realized that I didn't have a refill for the capsules so the pharmacist said she will call the Dr. office for a refill which two days later I get "the Dr. is not responding to our calls".

Today the nurse from Drs office called me to tell me the progesterone numbers from the recent test. It is at 21.1 ng/mL still in Zone 1 and I was told to continue with the injection. So I proceed to tell her that I needed a refill for the capsules and if she can go ahead and call the pharmacy. She was like "honey you are not suppose to be on the capsules only the injections". So for the last eight weeks I have been sticking 400 mgs of progesterone up you know where and I shouldn't have been. So if I am on so much of this stuff why are my numbers still low? What is the side effect of being on so much of this stuff, I am all worried on how this may affect the baby.

Any one reading has been on high dose of Progestrone? I was doing 400 mgs of capsule and 200 mg of injection twice a week.

Busy Bee

I can't believe its been two weeks since my last blog. Wow, time flies when you are busy. I have been reading blogs but had no time to comment, sorry.
The last few weeks have been busy especially this past week with back to back meetings and an additional project that was added to my already full plate. Oh well, I hate having too many meetings, when do you get to do the actual work? I have also been putting at least half a day on weekends working from home.

On the pregnancy front things were going well, the hint of blood that is always there cleared up for two weeks so I was getting comfortable. However, it returned this week and scared the hell out of me. It comes accompanied with some mild cramps and I start tensing up and preparing for the worst. It is so hard to just enjoy being pregnant when bleeding is involved. I only see it when I wipe but enough to put me in a panic.

I am also starting to show, I have noticed a few people glancing at my belly at work even though I try to wear layers to cover it up. I am one of those skin people with a little pouch to start with and add 10 wks pregnant and it sticks out like a sore thumb especially in the afternoon after I eat my lunch. During my gluten days before I gave it up I had put on 15 lb and most of it around my stomach and people thought I was pregnant. They probably think that I am just gaining the weight back.

I haven't thrown up not even once but the nausea has been a little intense this week so ginger tea is my best friend for now. For a while all I was craving was baked potato with lots of cheese. Normally I don't eat that much cheese so I thought that was weird.

This whole experience is so surreal and sometimes I have to pinch my self that this is actually happening.

Therapy

So I finally started seeing a counselor to get some help with my Anxiety issues. I had contacted her prior to finding out about the Pregnancy and my main focus was for her to help me with dealing with chronic pain and also emotional issues.

Since finding out I was pregnant the hormonal high and lows are gone but I still don't feel right sometimes. There is multiple issues at hand, being anxious for no reason, sometimes mild depression, unable to concentrate and being tired almost all the time. The tiredness was a lot better when I was on HC, I actually felt a lot better than I have felt in years. It has been more than a month since I stopped HC and all the symptoms seem to be coming back and I guess being Pregnant doesn't help the situation either. I also have light numbing headache and I am afraid that my migraines might come back.

So far I have seen the Dr. twice and I don't know if anything would come out of this but I guess time will tell.

Having lived with chronic pain and just not feeling well for years I am emotionally exhausted and although my body is a lot better as far as pain and endo my mind has not caught up. I still feel anxious in social situations or anticipating being at one place for longer than my body could take. I am afraid to try new things, don't go out much unless with family, and play it safe all the time. After a full day of work I have no energy to do anything else but sit for an hour or so before I start dinner.

The one mistake I have made at the time of intense pain is not quiting my job and allow for some healing. I pushed and pushed and would literally sit in meetings at work or at my desk and would not be able to concentrate because I was in so much pain. Pain accompanied with fatigue is hard on any body.

In addition to all the issue I also have digestive issues where I can't absorber the necessary vitamins I need because of years of eating gluten and I guess my gut is damaged. My stomach has slowly been healing and the vitamins I am taking are helping but I am not there yet. After months of being on vitamins I am still low on B vitamins, vitamin D and a few others.

All this situation contribute to your mental state and little stress makes me over react. Hopefully this is a step in the right direction and I would learn how to copy.

Please don't get me wrong, I am not complaining of being pregnant. Its the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and it still has not sunk in fully. I just wish I was in a better health for it and trying to do my best to heal.

OB Selection

I finally made an appointment with my old OB but feel a little uncomfortable. There is a clinic with five OBs a mile away from my job I was considering but I didn't want to go there because I would have to explain what treatment I am on, weather they agree with it and so on to five different Drs. Plus I was told that the staff was not too nice so I wanted to search for another one.

Before going to a fertility Dr. I was going to another OB who I liked and had also delivered my sisters kids. When I was in pain from Endo which he suspected I had he sent me to a fertility Dr. who did my first surgery. He wasn't able to free up my ovary that was stuck to my side of the pelvic. After my surgery my pain became continues. His solution was to do Lup.ron and then IVF which I nicely declined. I do not want to go back to the fertility Dr. Any how I feel weird going to my OB that I used to go to because he is the one who referred me. So I finally gave in made the appointment with my previous OB. I will be going on Thursday. If things don't work out I can always change.

Infertility and Endo has made me way too picky about Drs. But you have to be I guess. It took me 15 years to figure out that I had Endo and a good 3 years for my thyroid to be diagnosed properly. So if I didn't push for a better Dr. the last couple of years I wouldn't be here.

I also don't know how I feel about unmedicated birth. When I asked my husband that I should look in to it he was kind of shocked. I don't know if I have it in me to do this but something to think about.

PG Update

I had my progesterone test on Tuesday and just got the call from Dr. S. office. It is at 15, so much improved from the initial 10.5. I am suppose to stay with both the suppository and the injection and measure every two weeks.

I am terrified of the possibility of bleeding that as soon as I get home from work I am flat on my bed. At the end of the day yesterday I had such a bad lower back pain that I was beginning to panic. I have had worst Endo pains and can tolerate this but it just scared the hell out of me so again spent the time laying on my bed. When I got up this morning the pain is still there so I decided to call in sick. Just can't risk it at this point and will do anything to keep this baby cooking.

I still haven't called an OBGYN but have a clinic in mind that is close by work.

I have been getting up at 4 am since we found out we were PG and takes me a long time before I fall back asleep and by then it it time to get up for work. So I guess this is also contributing to the fatigue.

No morning sickness at all, at times some minimal nausea after I eat lunch/dinner but nothing to even worry about so praying that this keeps up.

First Trimester Worries

This past week I was pretty comfortable and didn't have any bleeding except for when I wipe I see a hint of blood. I actually planned to exercise starting today, just walks and stretches. Prior to the Pregnancy walking more than 10-15 min was painful because of the Endo pain so I actually wanted to test my self and see if I can do more.

I was sitting in a conference call meeting at work yesterday with my boss and all of a sudden I felt wetness down there. I was already feeling a little off with a headache and generally not feeling well. So a few minutes before the meeting ended I packed my computer and ran out to get my purse and head home. I didn't even want to go to the restroom because I knew that it was going through my pants.

So I get home and my underwear and pants are socked with blood and I saw a big clot (a little bigger than a finger-sorry TMI). Luckily DH was at home so we headed to the emergency room. Beside the headache and dizziness I had very faint cramps.

We spent 4 hours at the hospital, they tested for beta and also had a vaginal ultrasound. By the time I got to the hospital the bleeding was very little and it gradually stopped. All seem to be fine, we actually saw the heartbeat and it was the coolest thing. But now I am terrified. This bleeding came from no where with no warning.

I was told to stay off my feet for the weekend.

DH just got me GF Steak & Cheese, it was so yummy. The hunger and craving are kicking in.

Meds & update

So I called Dr. St.g. office the other day to ask if taking HC was ok during Pregnancy. I knew the answer since Sew mentioned it in a previous post. For some reason I had gotten lazy about taking it regular during xmas break since I walk up late and eat at odd times. Even when I went back to work I had stopped taking it for a good week before I found out I was PG.

HC has saved me the last 3 month I was on it. My energy level was back, migranes gone, my mood was improved some and waking up in the morning was not as painful. So how am I going to give up my best friend for the next eight month of pregnancy? I hope that my adrenals have improved enough that I don't go back to pre HC days. I have an appointment with my thyroid Dr. next week and will ask her she thinks.

Ever morning I get up I thank god for this pregnancy. It still hasn't sunk in and will not sink in until I am visible pregnant I guess.

For those who would like to know what meds I was on prior to this pregnancy here it is
Slow release T.3
HC
LDN
Progesterone & Estradiol post ovulation
Vitamin D3
Vitamin B-complex
B12
Selenium

I have been on this meds 3-4 month before conceving.

I had taken 2 weeks off back around xmas time to just relax and spend time with my hubby. I vowed that TTC will not be getting in the way of me enjoying my vacation so i was not paying attention much except do the deed twice during fertile CM. I had only four days of ferily CM and it was not great either so I figured that the cycle was a bust and didn't care.

In thinking ahead I had also e-mailed Dr. T.oth with my health history and planned to see him some time in March. Since I get CM through out my cycle I was thinking of the possiblity of infection. I did get an e-mail from his office saying that we can call in for a consultation. I saw a few negative reviews for him so I wanted to wait and read a little more. I didn't even tell my DH about it.

Then this Pregnancy happened unexpected. The funny thing is I had only one cycle where my luteal phase was a full 14 days with no spotting prior to conceiving. So the progesterone and estradiol played a huge part in correcting my luteal phase.

I have no morning sickness, I get a little nauscated after I eat lunch and dinner but nothing to worry about. Hope this keeps up.

I am 6 wks PG today.

Praying for all of you who are waiting for your BFP.

Prog. Shot Dilemma

So this past Friday I came home really tired and cramping. I was a little freaked out because I saw some red blood, not much just when I wiped but enough to get me to panic.

So I asked DH to prepare the Progesterone shot so I can get it over with and go to sleep. This was the second time DH was giving the shot. In the midst of my panic I didn't check if he has done everything right before the shot, I just figured he already did it once so not a big deal.

Any how while I am all tense from worry I expose my butt and wait for the shot and feel a stab. Ouch, I flinched so badly I was thinking is it because I am tense that it hurt so much. As he finshed the shot he put the syringe on the counter and I see what went wrong.

He has giving me the injection using the big needle that is used to draw out the progesterone. You are suppose to change to a smaller needle after for the shot. That needle is so thick that it hurt like hell.

What was even funny was seeing DHs terrified face. He was so upset that he literally felt like crying :). Men can't handle needles.

Now I call him the butt stabber. I laughed so much seeing how distraught he was over this. It did me good though, all the tension left me and I went to sleep.

Poor DH, now he dreads Tuesday and Friday nights.

One Day At a Time

Sorry I haven't posted in a couple of days. I am still seeing some brown/pinkish stuff when I wipe but the cramping has disappeared. I tried to call Dr. S. office today but for some reason couldn't get through.

The last couple of days I am feeling tired after lunch and by the end of the day I am beat and need to lye down for a bit. The tender boobs are also back so all is good. I decided to wait until Feb 4th to test for progesterone and HCG. That is when they gave me papers for so I am going to take it easy and let this happen as planned.

I also haven't taken the HC over the last week or so and need to make sure it is ok to take during pregnancy.

DH gave me the progesterone shot yesterday. By this afternoon my butt is hurting like hell. It is so weird. The pain I used to have on my sides are gone and I think it was definitely Endo pain because it has disappeared and been replaced by butt pain from the shot.

I told one of my sisters that I am PG. Didn't feel it was right to keep it from her since she has been helping me out with driving to PA etc for my Dr. appointments. But I told her not to tell anyone especially my mom since she is the worry type.

I still don't think this is real except for the times that I feel tired and I get up to pea at 4 am in the morning.

We got snow this evening and driving home from work was painful. I should have known better and gone home early but my boss who lives 2 min away decided that he didn't want to cancel a meeting. Some people went home saying they will call in for the meeting but I figured since I live close about 2.5 miles away it would be fine. Visibility was really bad and I was so tense. Hoping that we get to stay home tomorrow.

Starting to Worry

The first two days after the positive PG test my bobs were slightly painful to the touch and I also felt a little bit nauseated in the morning, just a hint. I also had period like cramps and that went away. After that two days of no symptoms and then faint cramps started back again. I also see hint of blood and brown stuff when I wipe. Now I am starting to panic that I may miscarry.

This weekend I don't feel tired just back pain and cramps if I stand too long. I just spent a couple of hours cooking and now I am resting. I don't feel hungry either, not more than usual.

Trying to stay calm. There is nothing I can do at this point but wait it out. My next blood test is in two weeks. If the brown stuffy continues I will have to ask for a test this week to see if numbers are going up.

Please pray

Dr. Visit

When the nurse called me and said I can come on Friday or Monday so that my DH can learn on how to give me the progesterone shots I was thinking Monday. Our department at work had an old day meeting planned for Friday so I didn't want to miss it so I figured Monday. But since DH is a professor and class starts on Monday there is no way he can take off work. So I told my boss I would not be able to make the meeting. So now my co-workers are wondering there must be something major wrong with me. I told them it is urgent but all is fine.

DH did great with the injection. The nurse showed him how to do it one side and he injected the other side. Now my butt is sore as hell. I didn't think it will get sore after just one round.

The cramps have subsided the last couple of days. I have been getting up at 4 am everyday this week to pee. I also get tired a little faster than usual. After we came back from PA today I ate and slept for 4 hours. My next blood test will be first week of Feb. For now I am calm and trusting God that all will work out. The last thing I need is to stress about this pregnancy. I still can't believe that I am pregnant. I thought the day will never come.

DH is overwhelmed and emotional with the prospect of having a kid. He told me that the last time we were at Dr. St. that he thought the next time we go up there would be with a pregnancy. It is so cute to see him so excited.

Numbers

I am definitely Pregnant. Yepppie. The nurse said HCG is good, forgot to ask the number since I was more worried about the progesterone. Progesterone is at 10.5, very low, they want to see it around 20.

I have an appointment tomorrow so that DH can learn to give me the Progesterone shots. I will be on 400 mg of vaginal and 2X per week of the shot. Ohhhhh, I have never done any shots on my behind and I am scared. Not looking forward to that part but not complaining. Anything to keep this baby.

I haven't told any one about this pregnancy. I was planning to tell my sisters and my Mom but DH is a little uncomfortable telling them this early. So I said fine we will wait.

The funny thing is that when I went to work on Tuesday (the day I tested) a co-worker mentioned that she is PG and due in the summer. So people started talking about who will be next etc and of all days it was funny this conversation surfaced the day I got a positive test.

Praying that all works out

OMG-Pregnant, updated

I called Dr. Ste.gman office this morning. As soon as I got the positive result I took the progesterone so couldn't do the blood work today. Planned for tomorrow morning. Fingers crossed and praying.

Spend the day at work in a daze thinking is this really happening to me? Got very little done. Still have some cramps and headache but enjoying it.
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God is indeed good. I got a BFP this morning. Never in the three years we have been trying that I have had a positive PG Test.

I walk up at 4:30am this morning. I touched my bobs and they are still a little sore. I opened my drawer, took a stick and headed to the bathroom.

First I checked if there is a hint of AF. Nothing. Relieved I peed on the stick and it took 5 seconds for the positive sign to show up. Today is P + 17


Wow, I am beyond shocked, happy, delighted, scared and feel like I am not deserving of this miracle.

I walk up DH and I was shaking and crying when I told him. He is happy but a little cousious until I do the blood test.

Thank You ladies for all the prayers. Now to the next step, need to call Dr. Ste.man so I can get the progesterone and also do a blood test.

Praying that all is good

Still in Shock

To Test or Not To Test

I have had cramps since P+10 and today is P+16. On P+10 I called in sick from work, walk up with the room spinning and wanting to throw up. Figured I had one of the milder stomach virus that is going around. I never threw up and by afternoon it kind of went away. I had very light spotting on P+10, it went away and came back for a day on p+13 and disappeared. Since p+13 I have not had any bleeding but I have had cramps like usual.

AF was due yesterday. My bobs are a little sore on the sides but nothing out of the ordinary. So should I test or not?

I rather not test because I am always devastated by the negative result so I am thinking of wait it out. After all I am having period like cramps so it might just been delayed by a day or two because of the progesterone.

It would be a miracle if I get a positive result, my CM this cycle was shorter and not as good.

AF and Baby Arrival

AF is knocking on my door as usual, I have been spotting for couple of days. However the timing is just great. My niece had a baby a few days ago. She is young and her fiance lives abroad. She didn't grow up around us, grew up with her mothers side of the family so we are not as close. She has no stable job, she was going to school and stopped to go see her boyfriend for a few month, got engaged and came back pregnant. Some family members are still upset with her.

Any how I went to see her at the hospital both days while AF is knocking away. It is the hardest thing I had to do visiting a mother who just gave birth. However since she is in need of help I went both nights and kept her company for hours. She doesn't have many friends and is at odds with some family members. I don't know how she is going to raise a kid with a job that pays minimum wage and no schooling.

So I volunteered to take her to her Dr. appointment next week. It is so hard for me to be this close to new born but she needs help.

Why does AF show up at the worst time?

Searching

Even though I had surgery not long ago which made the pelvic pain manageable I am still in pain. I go to physical therapy every other week and it has helped me a lot but it is not enough. I am slowly coming to terms with accepting this and I may have to live with chronic pain for the rest of my life. I certainly am not going to consider another surgery right now being that the last one was six month ago.
In addition, I get really bad migraines when the pain intensifies, luckily these have been far apart recently. My anxiety level has been pretty high and I am having difficulties with it and it frustrates me beyond words can express. Some times I have no control of it, I could wake up in the morning with a dreaded feeling and anxiousness for no reason. Of course there is the hormone imbalance, stress of IF, work and the chronic pain at the root cause of it.

I need counseling ASAP. I am looking for a therapist who specializes in coping with chronic pain and also anxiety. I prefer a woman, I would think only a woman can understand the emotional turmoil that is created by hormonal imbalance and infertility. I am having difficult identifying such person in my area. I feel like I am slowly sinking in unnecessary worry, fear that is accompanied with chronic pain and it needs to be addressed.

2nd Christmas

Tomorrow is our Christmas. Since my DH is still on vacation he went to church. I am having trouble falling asleep. The church service finishes at 3am in the morning. I should have taken the day off tomorrow but since I have already taken off a week prior to 1st Xmas I couldn't justify it. We will have a family lunch on Sat to celebrate Christmas the 2nd time. The perks of being an immigrant :)

Bye Bye 2010!

I am glad that 2010 is over. I was ready for it to be over last April :). 2010 for the majority of the time has been a heartache, with illness, death and major accident in the family, being in pain and unable to work, surgery, heartache of TTC and the list goes on. However, there were good things such as family coming together and being much closer than we ever have been. Even though I still have pain being able to function and having some hope that pregnancy could be a possibility is a positive. I have also became to accept what I can't change and giving it to God. Still struggling with this but have come a long way.

I am praying for a more peaceful 2011 no matter the outcome of my health issues. I am striving for less focus on my self for 2011 and more on family, friends and other things.

Happy New Year everyone and may 2011 bring you lots of happiness. I can't wait to hear of adoption outcomes & pregnancy announcements for this year.