Another miscarriage

I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas.    Besides the obvious disappointment we had a lovely Christmas spent with family.

I tested on P + 14 which was last Friday and it was positive to my surprise.    I had a blood draw the same day and HCG was at 43 and progesterone was 5.5. 

I was excited and nervous for a day and once I heard the numbers I pretty much knew how this was going to end.   I got on progesterone immediately and I was suppose to do a repeat test after a week.

The day before Christmas I walk up in the morning and realize I didn't wake up in the middle of the night to pee.  For the last 4 days I was waking up to pee but couldn't go back to sleep.

On Christmas morning I woke up to cramping followed by spotting which ended in light flaw for two days and felt just like a period.   The cramps were intense when it started so I rested on my sofa for the morning.   We had planned to go to DH's cousin's house for Christmas  lunch/dinner.   I knew this was over since  the bleeding was accompanied with a lot of cramping.   I took T.ylenol and rested for a few hours and  decided to attend the party.   We showed up a couple of hours late and had a wonderful time.  

I called the Dr's office the next day and had an HCG done.   The called me this morning and the number is 2. 

This sounds like a chemical pregnancy.   Pre Armour days I would be in such a despair emotionally. 
 I am much calmer and rational this time around and it happened so fast.   It seem like the last two cycles I probably was pregnant but early losses since I had all the pregnancy symptoms but followed by a AF.  

I will hear from the Dr. on Monday regarding the ultrasound I took at P + 7 to measure my endometrial lining and we will go from there.  

We are going to hold off TTC for the next cycle and we will see what the Dr. says.

Have a Happy New Year

A glimpse from my past

I was in my last year of high school when I met him.   I had little in common with my peers from high school since I just moved to the country a few years back.   So I made friends with people outside my school, mostly immigrants like myself.  He was a friend of my friends boyfriend.  He was a first year art student in college.  He was corky and had a beautiful smile but was short and not particularly attractive but I liked corky and the artsy type. 

The boy and I hit it off and started spending time together.    I had taken a swimming class in my school and by the end of the final class I was the only one who haven't learned to swim.  I was still hanging on to the floating device for my life.   The boy said he liked swimming and so I figured this would be my opportunity to learn.   So he said he will be happy to teach me so on a  Saturday we planned to meet at a swim center closer to his neighborhood.  

I probably told my parents I was going to study at a friends house :).

I remember it was a sunny day, I took the tube to the city and I waited outside of the swim center for him.  Once he got there we exchanged kisses and entered the center.   I remember him going to the desk to pay for our tickets and him handing me a ticket and I was off to the ladies changing room.  

I had a pink and black swimming costume which showed off my slim figure, I barely weighted 95 lb at the time.   I liked my body but hated my ankles.  I have the skinniest ankles ever (To this day I only wear long dresses/skirts)    I slowly walked out to the swimming pool and looked around and he was not there.  I remember thinking may be he went to the toilet and waited.   A minute, 5 min, 10 min passed by and the boy was no where to be found.  After waiting for about 20 min I went back to the dressing room, got dressed and went to the front desk. 

Have you seen a short guy with curly hair, the guy that came in with me?

Casher: Oh, he was kicked out for entering the swimming pool without paying

I was so humiliated and so angry.  I thanked the lady and quickly walked out.  Apparently he only paid for my ticket. I figured he would be waiting outside the swimming pool but I am sure they wanted him to disappear from the area.  I remember I was so angry and hurt by what he did.  Why wouldn't he just say he didn't have money to pay for my ticket.   I walked back to the tube and called a friend who lived in the city.  I needed to talk to somebody, so I went to her house and spent the afternoon there.

When I got home the friend that introduced us called me and said he called her and told her what happened.  He tried to call me a few times but I was so angry that I didn't want to talk to him.

After a few weeks my friend arranged for us to see each other.  He apologized and we got back together.    After a few months I moved to the States and we lost touch.

I wonder where he is, and what he is doing now 20 something years later? 

And yes I still don't know how to swim :(

Update

1.  I hosted thanksgiving, pretty similar as last year.  My parents and one of my sister and brother family came.   It was small gathering and nice.  As I have said before all my siblings and most extended family live around here and we see each other a lot.   I made most of the meat dishes and my mom took care of the veggies.   We mainly cooked E.th.iopian dishes so no turkey.   But I have decided that starting next year I will be give Turkey a go, my nieces and nephew where disappointed that there was no turkey on the table.  I was just too lazy this year so I kept it safe.  

2. I think I am loving desiccated thyroid med.   Usually evenings are rough for me.  I am usually mentally exhausted after 7 pm.  But I have noticed that after starting the desiccated thyroid I am feeling better.  I have also noticed that my anxiety has lessened a bit.   So that is a plus.  However, I have noticed that if I take both the T3 and desiccated thyroid in the morning I end up with a huge headache by mid day so I am taking the desiccated thyroid in the morning and the slow release T3 by lunch time .  That seem to work better.   We shall see.  But I am just so excited to see improvement.

3. Although MH is 2 years old we have delayed some of her vaccination.  I know this is controversial and I am not going to discuss in to why we chose to do this but I am spacing out her vaccination.   Today we went for the chicken pox vaccine, the kid went in all happy and came out grumpy but she was fine.  Although I have told the doctor that we wanted to space out/delay the vaccines he always just acts surprised.  Today he asked me how many he is allowed to give her and I said just one.  So he said may be I will convince you to combine the remaining in one shots.  I said Ok and didn't say anything.  I will fight that fight when we go in next time.  

4.  On Saturday we went to the mall so I can pick up  gift for a family member.   I forget how much I hate malls around this time of the year.  I like the decorations but I don't love the crowd.  While looking for a parking spot we decided it is useless to drive around so we stood at one spot and waited for people to come out.  Another car came a few minutes later and waited behind us so when the next available spot comes up guess who jumped and drove in in to the spot, yep the car behind us.  And when these people came out of the car after they have parked they wouldn't look at as in the eyes :).  People are crazy around this time of the year and I don't want to be a part of all the hoopla over material stuff.  If I had it my way they will not be any gift buying. 

5. On TTC front I was a little disappointed over my last cycle review.   I am already on Estradiol and progesterone and after I told them that my period was so light this cycle too and asked if the Dr. suggests any changes and they called and said start taking estradiol post peak.  Hello, I am already on it for more than 6 months and then know because I list all the meds for every cycle and send it with my chart, obviously they are not doing a good job on the details.    Any how instead of taking the Estradiol orally it will go in the other way just like the progesterone and we will see if that has any effect with my lining.    I was doing so good over the last few months but this past couple of weeks I have been hung up on the miscarriage and just calculating days on how far along I would have been etc.  All the things that leaves me a little depressed and missing my child.

Not much else to add to this, just enjoying the holiday season.  My hubby will be home for a whole month starting in to weeks so that is pretty exciting.   

Panicking

Yes this blog is all about PMS and period.  Sorry.  

I am panicking right now.  The last few days I have been so freaking worried that the D & C after the missed miscarriage could have caused the almost non existent bleeding during my period.

I had PMS starting a week before AF arrived.  The usually cramping, lower pack pain, boob pain etc.  I started seeing a hint of blood when I wiped starting 11 days after ovulation and continue to see the same thing for three days.  Then what seem to be Day 1 of AF yesterday I only see bleeding when I wipe.   I don't even need a panty liner, it is that scanty.   I have never experienced this before, my issues before my 2nd surgery was always bleeding too much and clots and now I am dealing with the opposite. 

This cycle is the third cycle after the D & C.   My cycle after a D & C was also very light, just spotting.  The 2nd cycle the same.  The cycle now is worse, I see red blood but nothing that would be enough to spot or only few spots.   Of course I goggled and run in to "As.herman's Syndrome".  Oh boy, now I am in a panic mode.   Could it be possible that the D & C could have hurt my lining?
I wasn't worried about the less bleeding with the first cycle since people say it happens after a D & C.   It is so weird not to be bleeding when you are cramping as usually.  I feel like the bleeding could be trapped, oh geeeeeeeeeeee.  Why can't I get a break, why do I have to deal with one problem after another?

I am suppose to do a day 21 ultrasound to measure the uterine lining.   I put it off for the next cycle.  

Anyone reading with the same experience after a D & C?  Please comment

It seem like another pregnancy is looking sooooo out of reach right now :(

Randomness

1. I just put MH down for her nap.  I am exhausted, changing her diaper has became a fight every single time.   When she was old enough to start kicking, I was delighted she didn't fuss and kick when we changed her diaper.  Now she is making up for lost time.  She is 2 years old so she knows better when she is told to stop but she keeps fighting me.  Part of it is that when DH changes her diaper he goes along with the kicking and plays around with her.   I can't do that, I don't enjoy being kicked in my stomach multiple times while I am wiping poop.   Not only she kicks me in the belly, she also brings her leg up to my face and attempts.   So I start of with a warning and try to distract her but by the end of the diaper change we are both mad.  Then I take her to her time out spot and tell her to stand with her facing the wall.   Of course she doesn't stand still.  Then the tears fall like heavy rain and my heart breaks but I try to resist giving in.    By the end of the ordeal I am exhausted because now she is upset and wants to be held.   Hope this is a temporary thing.

2.  I have had PMS symptoms for the last 6 days now.   I am just wiped out.  Cramps, lower back pain, boob pain, headaches, fatigue.   I am this close to stopping the progesterone because I think it is making it worse.  I ovulated early this cycle, seem another wasted cycle.  Went ahead and took all meds, started spotting on P+10.  AF is due tomorrow so I must suffer for another few days.  My house is a mess, the floor need mopping and my back is not up to that task.   Ever afternoon this week I have been laying down every time I get a chance.   My P+7 progesterone level is at 7.4., pretty low.   I think this cycle is a fluke so I am going to wait for next cycle and repeat the test.  

3. I started taking the desiccated thyroid this week.  I haven't seen any difference in how I feel.  With all the PMS it is hard to gage improvement so we shall see how I feel when I am done with AF.

4. My mom is going home in Dec.  I will be alone for at least a month :(.  Not looking forward to it. 

5. I will be hosting Thanksgiving.   It is just going to be my sisters family and parents so not too much pressure. 

6.  I have been trying to prepare myself for a possibility of going back to work in the spring.   I started reading some articles and just refreshing myself with all that is needed.   I am counting on the desiccated thyroid to get me to where I need to be physically and emotionally so I can handle working.  We shall see.

7.  I am going to go lie down in my bed and watch a movie.   Hope you all have a good weekend.

Thyroid and other tests

I had an appointment with my Dr., I have made her as my primary even though she doesn't take insurance.  I have been going to her since 2010.   Any how the last time I saw her was in Nov. of last year.  At the time she suggested that I follow up after 3 month and I just disappeared.   Besides the slow release T3 I wasn't taking any of the supplements that she had suggested so I didn't see the point of seeing her ever three months.   Since I haven't noticed any difference in how I feel based on the T3 I wasn't going to spend $300-400 out of pocket.  While I was working this was no issue but since we don't have much to spare after meds and other things I couldn't justify it.   

So this time I wanted to check where things are and also I wanted to see if she thinks I could benefit from Armour.   I went ahead and did a bunch of blood tests that looked at the thyroid, metabolic, vitamin and other things. 

So as expected, my B12 is low since I had stopped taking it a while back.   Iron is low for the same reason.  What surprised me is that my Free T4 came up low which hasn't happened before.  So even before I mention it she suggested I add T4 to my morning pill party.   So I asked her if I can try Armor instead and we shall see how I do.  I am really hopeful that this will help me with the anxiety and foggy brain.   We shall see. 

My vitamin D level is at 23 ng/mL people.  All summer I had made a point sitting out on our deck and getting some sun.  I also stopped the vitamin D3 supplement months ago and just restarted taking it in the winter.  When I was on all these supplements I felt that my digestive system was not handling it well. I just felt overloaded. This was back early this year and I decided to stop all of the supplements and I felt a lot better.   Looking at my last lab that was done a year ago it looks a lot better as far as B12, ferritin and free T4 levels; but I remember feeling so awful day in and day out.  Now my labs look worse I actually feel better than a year ago.   The only supplement I have been talking the last 6 months is prenatal. 

So I am suppose to add the following  to my already long list of meds.  

Selenium
B12
Armour

I am suppose to go back to her in 3 months if I feel ok on Armour just to recheck the levels.   Until I stabilize free T4 levels I will have to commit to the 3 months schedule. 

The blood test for cortisol also came high.   This is fasting level before taking my meds.  I don't know if I should go ahead and do the saliva test again to make sure levels are OK.  The last time I tested saliva cortisol was low but within range.  

This and that, mostly sulking

1.  I hate fall back, why can't we just stick with one time.  This change in time mess up my adrenals.   Seriously, I can tolerate the cold but I hate it when it starts getting dark at 5:30pm.  It is messing with me big time.  You would think with the time change we would start getting up early.  It happened just for one day, MH got up an hour early as expected but the next day back to sleeping until 9 am.   I set my alarm clock for 8 am so we can get up earlier and enjoy the day light. 

2.  I was looking forward to a relaxing evening with my husband today.  It is cold out and I planned for us to stay home and I also want to wash my hair and style.  When he came home today, one of his friend told him about a book release discussion and he wanted to go.  All the way to the city, which is like 45 min drive.  So he won't be back until 10 pm the earliest I guess.   So I am sitting at home.  MH is parked at the TV.   I know bad mom, but she hasn't watched TV the last few days so it is Ok. 

3. I haven't stepped out of the house in two days.  Yesterday it was raining, today it was windy and cold so we didn't go for our daily walk.  MH hates the cold wind on her face, but I should have just bundled her up and gone out for some air.  Now I am feeling cabin feverish.   Reminder to me is to go out for a walk even when it is cold, unless it is too cold.  Toddler needs air and I need it too.

4. We have a birthday party to go to for MHs cousin who is turning 3.   I am looking forward to seeing everyone.  Her Mom is trying for a 2nd child but it is not happening, she is in her early 40s and having issues.  Back in the beginning of summer when we saw her she asked me if I was pregnant and I told her no and we are having trouble as expected.  I asked about her she said not yet and kind of changed the subject. Why is it that people ask you these questions but don't like being asked the same questions?   May be I am too open due to all the medical hurdles and the blog world.  I really don't have any problems of telling people we have issues.  The last time I went to lunch with friends from my old job, one of them asked if I wanted a 2nd child and when, and I told her we are struggling and it takes more than just trying for us and another friend was looking at me in horror for saying it.    We all know how babies get here, sheeesheee.

5.  While on the subject, when I went to see my regular OB after the D &C; C he had a medical student in training and he asked if it is ok for her to sit in, I said fine.  So after he checked down there for 30 second which by the way he charged $275 for he asked me to dress up and meet him in his office.  So just trying to get my money's worth I asked a few questions and I mentioned about the endometriosis and that what my options were down the line.  He said "we can fix that when the time comes".  I was like what do you mean by fix and of course he said hysterectomy as if it is not a big deal.  And then he recommended the same IVF doctor that he send me for my first surgery.   I had to remind myself right there that he is just a baby catcher and I shouldn't expect more.  I told him there is a reason why I am going to another state for that and reminded him I had my 2nd surgery out of state for a reason.  The medical student was just sitting and listening.    He then proceeded to tell me I had 3 good years of fertility considering my age.  I get so irritated for the one fits all mentality standard doctors prescribe.   While we are on the age subject and fertility, we were discussing the women in my family and menopause with my siblings.  My mom said her period disappeared before she was 45.   One of my sister who is in her late 40s said it is been at least a year since she had her cycle, and my oldest sister said hers come once in a while, ever three or four month and mostly very light.   My aunt also said hers stopped around 45.  So it is not looking too good for me.   My periods have progressively gotten light and that is not very encouraging.   

6.  I am approaching ovulation and I am hesitant to TTC even though my Napro Doc said to start. DH also wants to continue trying.  I was going to wait until the ultrasound  to measure the thickness of the uterus lining just to make sure that it is not an issue.  God knows I can't handle another miscarriage if that is the problem.   Why is it so hard to hold off TTC? 

7.  Us you can see I am not in the best of moods.  I have a headache and I don't know why,  my pain level creep up the last few days, could be due to ovulation approaching.   After 4 years of gluten free, I finally brock down and ate gluten intentional.  My mom had some fried dough a friend sent her from home, it reminded me of my childhood and I have been wanting to try if I am still going to respond to gluten.  So I ate the darn thing and it was so good.  I didn't have any pain the day after as usual so I figured I can eat it again so I ate it twice after that.  The last few days I have had a spastic colon and pain down there.  It is not as bad as it was but if I keep eating I know I would get there.  So hands off the fried dough.   It is in my pantry and I am resisting it.

8. This blog post is getting too long. On a positive note I just wanted to mention that after a month of walking and the endometriosis not being fully back yet I am feeling less bloated and I also lost 4 lb.  I can actually suck in my mid section without pain.  So I am thankful for that and wishing for an active winter.  Thanks for listening if you made it this far :).  

So Thankful

I had an appointment with my N.apro Doctor to go over the cycle long hormonal profile.   We had agreed to do the tests without any meds so we could see what my body was capable of.   As you know I got pregnant that cycle and lost the baby at 6 wks.  

Since I have quit driving long distance I drag my husband to these appointments.  He is such a blessing in my life.  He is happy to make the drive so I can get the proper treatment.  However recently when an appointment approaches I ask myself if it is worth making the trip and weather I should stop traveling so far away.  2h might not be much for some but the furthest I drive recently is 20 min due to the Endometriosis pain and constant anxiety.  

I tell you, seeing my Dr. is worth it.  After these appointments I am so hopeful and also so thankful that I get to see a Dr. who cares and is willing to hear my questions and does not try to kick me out after 5 min visit.

My appointment was in the morning so we had to get up early.  We woke up MH and take her down to the living room so that my Mom could take care of her.  It was rainy when we left.   

So both progesterone and estradiol levels look good.  They were low when I initially got tested back in 2010.   I told the Dr. that my periods have progressively gotten lighter and that I was worried that my lining might not be good to support a pregnancy so I am going to do an ultrasound to measure the thickness of the lining and go from here.   If the lining is compromised I will start on vaginally estradiol.   I will also start taking DHEA as per the Drs suggestions since she said it helps with egg quality in older women.    I will be seeing her after 3 month, if no pregnancy then we will consider HCG shots.  So right now I am on the following meds

1. LDN
2. Progesterone post peak
3. Estradiol post peak
4. HC
5. Vitamin D
6. Prenatal vitamins
7. DHEA

I left the appointment feeling so hopeful.  I will also be seeing my regular Doctor to go over some lab work and see if I need to up my thyroid meds.    I am so thankful for my wonderful doctors.

Recurring team

I am on cd 25 (p+11).  I have been cramping for the last 4 days, started it off light and not as bad as the last cycle.  I am also slightly nauseated. 

I started spotting on p+10, very light so yes there is a possibility that I may be pregnant.   I can't risk it and wait to test until I miss my period so I have to test before stopping the progesterone on p13.  The only thing that is encouraging is the spotting which is very light and not bright red.   Then again I my period's have progressively been light.   The cycle after my D & C the cramps were so bad and I was waiting for a flood.  When AF arrived after a whole week of painful cramps it lasted a day with only light bleeding.

The last few days when MH naps I get in my bed and watch the D.uggar's on my Ipad.   I don't think it is wise to watch while in the 2WW.  I starting tearing about a sill thing one of the youngest child did :).  I have been crying about random stuff too.  I don't think any one who is struggling to conceive should watch this show.  Special the episode where M.i.chelle announced she is pregnant with 19th.  It goes something like, oh I am breastfeeding bla bla and I had a feeling I am pregnant so I tested :). 

MH and I have been enjoying our daily walk.  Fall is my favorite season, I just don't like what it brings.   

................

After I posted this blog I started cooking lunch and I can barely stand because the cramps have intensified followed by bright red bleeding.  AF is here at p11, just wonderful.  I give up.

Focused on Healing

Since my miscarriage I have been focused on healing and overall health.   I am doing fine pain wise, it hasn't come back with the same intensity.   However, my hormones are all over the place as usual.  I don't think at this point my doctors can do much for me.   I am on T3 and HC and it makes a big difference.  My Thyroid hormone levels are within normal and I am due for a recheck next month.  I have stopped taking vitamins with the exception of prenatal.    I think taking all those vitamins were making me more ill and when I stopped I felt better. 

There is nothing I can do about the Endometriosis.   The fact that when I am pregnant that most of my pain disappears says it all.  Pregnancy= no pain and hormonal stability for me.   I had two surgeries, and even though I felt better after both, I still had pain shortly after the surgeries which suggests the Endo is aggressive.  I don't think the answer for me is another surgery right now, it may change later on but for now I have to heal as much as possible with out any invasive procedures.    If you have chronic pain and inflammation healing the adrenals is an uphill battle but I confess I haven't been doing enough to help the situation. 

My diet is ok as far as cutting out most things that don't help the adrenals.   I don't drink soda or any fruit juice and I don't miss it much.  I avoid gluten and I don't try to substitute with gluten free products which most are processed.  We hardly consume any processed food, I cook from scratch most of the time.  Where I need improvement is increasing my protein intake and including more vegetables.  Usually breakfast is 2 eggs with some cheese and a cup of tea.  Sometimes I have a piece of fruit.  After the 2 eggs I am full and don't want anything else.  I have ready a few blogs on healing the adrenals that suggest to eat 50 g of protein in the morning.  That is a lot.  I figure the 2 eggs with cheese is about 20 g.  I have tried to add avocado with my eggs.  I do feel better when I have more protein in the morning.  Now that the cooler temps has arrived I have been making soups loaded with protein and veggies and just a small cup of soup for a snack or with a meal makes a huge difference.   I have already seen some improvement in my energy level.  I don't crash as much in the afternoon. 

Since my pain level is low I am able to do more physically.  Right now I am keeping it light with a daily walks  for 30 min.  Anything more will be too harsh and I would crash. 

Sleep wise I used to get at least 8 hours  but I slept past midnight and would sleep in until 9am or so.  I have been trying to be in bed by 10:30 pm on most weeknights.   MH sleeps in late, we usually wake up after 9 am so if I sleep by 11pm I am sleeping at least 10 hours.  That is a lot.   I wake up when DH gets up in the morning and fall back asleep.  I figured if I fall back asleep then my body needs the 10 hours of sleep.  

I try not to overwhelm myself with many changes because I know I am inclined to fail when I try  to implement too many things at once.  So this winter is all about food and sleep.  I am trying to catch up in reading and keeping myself current for my career.     But I don't pressure myself much when I don't accomplish all I want.   

Of couse not Pregnant

After three days of what felt like pregnancy symptoms I caved in and tested.  I expected it to be negative but had to test just in case since I have stopped the progesterone.   I had no anguish over the negative test.  After the whole ordeal of miscarriage I am at a different spot emotional over this matters.   

I have been cramping since Monday with no sign of AF until this afternoon.  Today's cramps remind me of the old days when I had those awful heavy painful periods.  We shall see how it works out but I have been feeling so icky and want to just lay down and cry.   My whole body feels numb and headaches and cramps have not stopped so I have been taking ad.vil.

Poor MH is cutting her 2 year old molars.  Poor baby has been miserable since yesterday.  It started last week when she threw up all over me while laying on my chest.  She didn't throw up after that so I didn't think anything of it.  A few days ago I noticed her left lower 2nd molar is trying to come up.  Yesterday afternoon we were out and she seem OK but refused to eat.  We spend a good hour at a book store and she was happy.   Before bed time she felt hot so we gave her a cool bath and some T.ylenol.  We had to give her another dose in the middle of the night and another one this afternoon.  She is eating and drinking some but not much.   I am so terrified of her going through another febrile seizure so we are trying to keep her temperature down.   It is heart breaking to see her in pain. 

Could It Be Possible?

My D & C was end of August.   I figured I ovulated week of Sep 20th, yes we were active but careful, I don't know if I was really fertile, most likely I guess.  I was just not paying attention much.  I started taking the progesterone after what I thought was ovulation and then I run out of it after a few days.  Then neglected to take it for the remaining 5 days.

I have been cramping for four days now, the same as usual before AF arrives.  However, I have been getting up between 4-5 am the last three days, very odd.  I started going to sleeping an hour earlier than usual so I figured that is why I am waking up early.   I believe today is P + 13/14 or 15.  Just guessing here.  Since after breakfast I have been nauseous.  Weird, there is always a possibility I guess but most likely I am not pregnant.  We were told to avoid at least for one cycle but we may have done the unthinkable at least once in the fertile window.  Oh boy, the things you are open about when dealing with sub/infertility. 

Any how DH said it is impossible.  My body is giving me signals all day.  I have no pregnancy stick so I have to go out and buy some if AF doesn't show up tomorrow.    No bleeding at all so who knows. 

Google tells me fertility increases after a D & C but as you know I am not the "normal" fertile woman.  So I say Ha Ha to that.

MH 2nd Bday

MH celebrated her 2nd birthday this past weekend.   Over the summer we missed a lot of gathering due to illnesses, pregnancy and miscarriage.  Original I was planning just a party with immediate families (my family) but since we have not seen DH's extended family I thought it would be a good opportunity to see them and catch up.  Of course I was worried sick about having a party since I thought physical It would have been hard to do all the cooking and we don't have room in our budget to get the food catered.  My mom offered to make the big dishes, I made a few dishes and we prepared for two days so that I don't get overwhelmed.   I decided not to invite my extended family since it would mean we will have over 40 people and that would just be too overwhelming.   I didn't take pictures with our camera when she cut the cake since I was busy setting up.  She was very fussy at the beginning since she didn't get to finish her nap but finally warmed up.

 

In search of Neighbors

A few weeks ago a neighbor from my home country was visiting my parents.  She now lives in the US up North.

Her visit brought back so many memories as our houses were next to each other and we grew up with her sons.   It also is a reminder how life is completely different here and how my childs experience will be so much different than mine and also my experience as an adult compared to my mothers. 

Growing up we lived in a community where everyone new each other.  Our neighbors were like family and still are. My mom was a member of the neighborhood women's group and ever month they had a party/meeting at each others houses.  Some of the women were working, some were stay at home mothers and from different backgrounds.  They collected money, they planned weddings, they were there for people that lost loved ones both financially and emotionally.   

My mother was a SAHM and she often got together with other SAHM's in the neighborhood.   In our culture having coffee is the biggest social event.  Daily my Mom will be called to neighbor's house for coffee, this are elaborate ceremonies where women from the neighborhood get together and talk for hours about anything and everything.   The coffee ceremony usually starts with incent burning, roasting coffee bean from scratch and making the coffee at least three times.

When my mother invites neighbors for coffee I would do the disappearing act so that I won't be the one making coffee.  As a child I hated sitting in front of the adults pouring coffee and serving while they chatted.  I was shy and it was too painful for me to sit still for the duration of the ceremony. 

These coffee ceremonies and monthly meetings were vital to our community especially for the women.  They talked about their kids, their marital and financial problems, issues in the community and everything in between.  Of course you have a dose of competition, who's kids were the smartest, who had the best furniture or biggest house etc.

These women to Mom are life long friends.  When she usually visits our home country she will stay for a week or so in one of the neighbor's house so that she can spend time with all.    Of course it is not the same as old times, a few have passed away, some have immigrated to the US or other countries.  But that women's group to this day exists 20 some years later.   These women are the closest friends of my mother. 

Now that I am a SAHM I long for such experience.  I often go for walks around our neighborhood with toddler MH and the neighborhood feels deserted.  There are a few SAHM on the block but I hardly see them walking around. It is almost like people are afraid of getting to know each other.  While I was working and living in an apartment I really didn't think much about it.    I think we would have been better off living in the city rather than the suburbs.    It is comforting to see people walking on the street.  Here if I go out in the middle of the day their is hardly any one on the street, I actual don't feel very safe.   

We have tried to replace daily human contact with social media.    Although is better than nothing it is not the same, I don't get to smell the coffee and kiss other peoples babies.  

Too many things in my head

I am sitting in my living room, both DH and toddler MH are asleep.  It is an early night for both.  I am sitting thinking; I have been doing this for a while.  The pregnancy disrupted all the thoughts and I was delighted.  So in order to not think about the loss of the pregnancy my head just went back to the previous thoughts with the addition of new ones. 

I am doing OK most of the time.   I have a neighbor who is visibly pregnant and every time I see her I get the ache and I am in that sad place of what could have been and how many weeks and days I would have been pregnant.  There is also another neighbor who gave birth about a month ago and I see her husband taking the baby for walks and the sadness sets in.   I am mostly focused on the good in my life, taking my kid for walks, playing, spending time with my husband and family.  I allow the sad feelings because it is all part of the grieving for a baby I won't meet on this earth.

I was suppose to see my Napro Doc this past Friday but canceled it.   The plan was for us to review the cycle long hormone profile result.  I was also suppose to do an ultrasound to see if I had any issues but the pregnancy happened and I never got around to doing it.  Best to do an ultrasound and see her.  The earliest I could get another appointment was in November so I asked on when it should be OK to resume TTC.   She said to wait only one cycle.  I started the L.DN this week.    So I will be taking all the meds I took prior to MH's pregnancy. 

I have been meaning to blog on how living with a chronic illness has affected me over the years.  I have also been thinking about returning to work for a few months now and when I felt better because of the pregnancy I was thinking more about it and making concrete plans on when and how.  Now no more pregnancy, the pain is not back yet but the headaches and hormonal state are slowly creeping in.  Unless my DH goes out and gets another job that pays more I will have to go back to work.  I don't know how this is going to happen with my health but it is the reality.  We have already spent some of our savings this summer due to some unexpected expenses and I am sure will be doing the same in the winter.   I don't know how but I got to get health enough to start working within the next 6 months.   I never had to worry about money since graduating college so it is new for me.  I was never a big spender so on the few things I spent money on I splurged. 

Anyhow moving on to toddler MH, today we took her to a local park that has train rides.   There was a line when we arrived so we bought the tickets and waited.  She first wanted to be held but decided she wanted to get down and that was it.  The girl is a social butterfly; she is too much and sometimes she scares the little kids.  She started running, put her face in front of every child in line and said hi and chatted away.   She says a few phrases and words but most of it is baby talk.  She will be turning 2 in a few weeks.  Depending on how I feel energy wise we are planning to have a small party, about 20 people.  She is still super picky about eating.  No veggies or meat.   Her meals consist of eggs, fruits, cheese, pasta, some rice and bread.     Will do a picture post soon. 

Update

I had a D & C on Friday morning.   It went fine.  I was freaked out the whole week and the night before I woke up in the middle of the night.  I prayed and prayed and finally fall asleep.  When I woke up in the morning I was calm and ready to get it over with.

The nurse who was preparing me for the procedure was so nice.  As soon as I told her what I was there for she sat by me and told me her experience with a D & C she had 17 years ago.   She was so sweet. 

There was a criminal across from my room who was being prepped for surgery.  I first saw three cops walking around and wondering what was going on and then I saw them taking the man.  His hands and legs were chained.  Weird, for a minute I was thinking what if he tried to get away and grab one of the polices guns..... 

I have been taking it easy ever since and spending time with my baby.  DH has been cooking since I can't stand for too long.  The cramping starts if I push myself so I am just laying low.

Emotionally I am doing fine, I think.  A few tears here and there but I have been focused on being Thankful and letting go.   My hormones have not crashed yet, may be it would be a smooth landing but I haven't felt any major difference.   Hopefully it stays that way. 

Thank You for your prayers.

Almost Over

I saw my local OB earlier this week.  He did an ultrasound to confirm, he has one of the fancy machines so it took a second and the picture was clear.  Sac with no flickering heartbeat.  Although I knew the outcome seeing it was devastating. 

I have a D & C scheduled for tomorrow morning.  I just came back from a pre-surgery physical at the hospital.   The OB said he usually does the procedure at his office or outpatient surgery places.  I requested it be done at a hospital.  I am terrified and so fearful of going under.   It makes me feel a little better doing it at the hospital in case there is any complication.   I know these procedures are considered simple but I am freaking out.

Nothing has happened as far as naturally miscarrying.   I have seen a hint of blood and cramping  here and there but nothing else. 

Asking for your prayers.  Thank You.

Update

So as  expected I got a call from my Dr. yesterday with pretty much the same info I got from the ultrasound tech.   I stopped the progesterone and I am just waiting for the bleeding to start.   If anything starts over the weekend I will go to the emergency room to get it taken out.

I made an appointment with my OB for Tuesday if nothing happens between not and then.
 
The nurse said it should take about a week for the progesterone to go down and bleeding to start.   The progesterone level was at 10.5 on Thursday. 

All the pregnancy symptoms I had vanished overnight.  Yesterday morning I walk up and nothing.  No sore boobs, no morning sickness or feeling tired.    I feel like my period is about to come but the cramps are very faint.  So it seems like this might drag on.  I don't think I can handle for it to happen naturally.   I am trying to minimize the heartache.

I have an appointment with my Napro Dr. in two weeks to review the cycle long hormonal profile that we never looked at because of the surprise pregnancy. 

The two weeks with my baby was joyful and I am thankful for it. 

Sad

I had the ultrasound today and no change.   Actually it is worse than last week.   Baby is still measuring 6 wk 1d, and they couldn't measure the heart rate.   I am 8wk and 1 day today.

I won't hear from my Dr. until tomorrow morning.  I have to do the POI tonight but I don't want to, what is the point, it is just going to delay the miscarriage. 

I had to go for a progesterone draw after the ultrasound.  I don't think it is necessary but I did it anyways.

While I was at LabCorp with my DH I just wanted to run out.  I felt a panic attack coming on, just the realization that my baby is slowly fading away and it will soon be over was too much.   I just breathed through it and let the panic pass.

Thank you for your prayers.

Waiting

There is really not much happening on my end.  At this point it is all a waiting game.  I will have an ultrasound on Thursday which should make it a week from last. 

I still feel pregnant.  Nausea, back pain and feeling tired usually after lunch.   The waiting is killing me.  My thoughts are all over the place.  Last week I broke down and sobbed to my husband.   He is too calm, sometimes it comes across as insensitive.   He said he is not worried yet and he hasn't lost hope that things are Ok.   So I am hanging to that hope but Dr. G.oogle doesn't help.  At times when the pregnancy symptoms come on strong I trust that all will be OK but those are short lived.  

This morning I walk up to cramps and I did the usual wipe and look.  There was a hint of red but nothing else.  The cramps have subsided but I am nervous.   Last week prior to the ultrasound I was care free.  Just enjoying being pregnant and full of joy which now has been replaced by constant worry. 

I had a party to go to for a family friend on Sat but decided not to go.  Why because I don't have any pants that fit me and I am not going to take out my maternity pants.   I am already wearing them at home.  In addition added to the usual abdominal blot I already look like 3 month pregnant.  I don't want people to ask me if I am pregnant; I am not ready to tell people at this point.  So I guess you can say I am in hiding. 

Keeping myself busy until Thursday arrives.   

It gets worse

I called for the results of the ultrasound.  In addition to the heartbeat being low it is measuring at 6wks 2days.  I am 7 wk.  Not looking good at all.

I walk up around 4 am this morning and since then I have had mild cramps and lower back pain.

I am losing hope.

I am numb.  I don't know what to think.

People around me are not reacting like me.  My husband is too calm, I just told him the result and he just nodded.  I am pissed at him.  Really pissed.

I was told the Dr. will call me back once he sees the result. 

FHB

I had an ultrasound this afternoon at 7 wk 1 day.   The instruction on the order from the Dr. said "hold and call".  So I spent like what felt like eternity on that stupid table and the tech kept very quite through out the whole thing and I knew something was wrong.    After it was all over she asked us to wait while she makes the call to the Dr.  I glanced at the screen and the heartbeat is at 95 and my heart stopped.

She came back after about 15 min and said she faxed the result but couldn't get hold of the dr.  I knew this already, it was after 4 pm.  Any how she said she is not allowed to discuss the result but said the heartbeat was low and to contact the Dr.

Wow, I don't know what to feel right now.  I have no bleeding and no signs of anything being wrong.  However coupled with the low progesterone this result is alarming.  

I panicked while we were waiting for the tech but quickly calmed myself.  I can't do anything but wait.   I am going to hung on to hope and make it through the night. 

Please pray for the tiny being inside me. 

Welcome POI

My progesterone level from last week came back at 9.5.   The first test was at 20.5, I know too good to be true.    Over the two weeks I was thinking on how it was possible for my body to have recovered and started producing enough Progesterone.  I was happy but couscous.     I am waiting for the Pharmacy to send me the shots so I can start as soon as possible.  Oh well, the short happy ride is over I guess and welcoming sore bottoms but that is a small price to pay. 

I wonder if stopping the HC has something to do with the drop in progesterone,  I was only taking 5 mg/day so I don't think that will have a huge impact but it is possible that some of the progesterone being produced is converting to cortisol.

I am also going to repeat the ultrasound tomorrow so they can measure the heart beat.  I would have preferred to do it next week but the doctor insisted I do it this week.  I am a little scared and  I hate internal ultrasounds. 

I am also starting to feel nauseous.  Today I have been feeling it the whole day.  By the end of the day I am usually exhausted and my lower back is killing me.  I will have to do some exercise daily to deal with the lower back issue.  I think changing our mattress to something less cushiony might help too.  We shall see.

Quick Takes

1.  I had my first ultrasound yesterday.  Baby is measuring 6 wk 1day.  All looks good.  I saw the heart beat but they couldn't measure it.  I am suppose to go back in two weeks.    I had another blood draw for a progesterone test, will get that back on Monday.   Hopefully it is rising.   Trying to avoid the progesterone injections.

2.  We have all been sick around here.  I went out with my old coworkers for lunch last week.  I took MH with me.  The next day she came down with a cold and had a low grade fever.  I had dinner and play date planned with my friend but I had to cancel.  Didn't want to get her kids sick.  She has enough of that from daycare.    Two days after I got the same cold.  I haven't gotten a cold in so long, being pregnant I guess I am susceptible.   DH came down with something a couple of days ago, his seems some kind of stomach bug and he had a fever.  He just started to feel a little better today.  So I have been busy this week trying to take care of everyone else.  My Mom is ok,  as soon as MH came down with the cold she started drinking tea with garlic and ginger.   Nasty stuff I tell you anything to fend off the virus.   I couldn't stomach the garlic so I have been seeping on ginger tea.

3.  My pain level has been going down gradually and now I only have lower back pain, the side pains are disappearing.  I love pregnancy.  I am also doing better emotionally.  Again I love pregnancy.   I am tired than usual but heck I am almost pain free so who cares.

4.  I have been thinking about returning to work a lot this week.  As soon as I start feeling better I am now thinking how and when I should be back.  Then I calm myself down and remind my self to take it one day at a time.  Right now, I am going to focus on the pregnancy and home.   Part of it is we have had  a few unexpected expenses the last few weeks and we had to spend some of our saving.  This is the first time we had to do this since I quit my job but the fact that DH is not teaching part time (2nd job) have me nervous.  We will not be able to save a dime, if anything we may have to spend more of our saving.  

5.  Now that I am feeling better, I can spend some time trying to update myself professionally.  I just lack the dedication but some how it has to come from somewhere. 

6.  Having my Mom with us has been a blessing.  She has been thinking of going back home for a few months and I am trying to arrange it so that she goes sooner than later.  I need her later in the pregnancy.  I am so spoiled. 

7.  Run out of things to say.  I am just so happy about this pregnancy.   Have a blessed weekend.

HCG

Dr. D. wanted to do another HCG which I did yesterday.   The number is around 2900 and looking good.   I will have an ultrasound next week and a repeat test of progesterone and HCG.

I am doing fine.  The hunger is starting to kick in and I also have mild cramps and lower back ache.    Good thing is I haven't seen any blood since the implantation bleeding so that is good.

I told my sisters and Mom and they are all excited.  The funny thing is that I already look 3 month pregnant not because of this pregnancy but just overall weight gain and I am always blotted.  We had a family lunch at my uncles last Sunday and my aunt was looking at me all funny.  Over the last few months I have been asked at least six times by different family member if I was pregnant. 
Now I don't care,  I am close to taking out my maternity pants since most of my pants are too tight to begin with so probably won't be able to wear them much longer.

I am so excited, and what do you know, the endometriosis pain is disappearing.  There is still some lingering pain but not as intense.  I hate endometriosis.

In the next few weeks I will have to go for a blood draw so we can check the state of my thyroid and whether we need to up the meds.  I am also getting tested for mineral and vitamin levels and going back to my Doc. for a review. 

I am so happy right now, no words to describe it. 

Numbers

Yes I am pregnant.  Lab work done on P + 16

Progesterone: 20.3

HCG: 313

Yep, no progesterone injection for now.  I am so excited.  I am going to continue 200 mg progesterone suppository ever night and we will see what the numbers look like in two weeks.  Who's body is this?  I am really surprised the numbers came up this high.  My first pregnancy it was around 10 at P + 18. 

The day I tested when Hubby got home MH was wearing " Big Sister" shirt.  Took one of her white shirts and wrote on it with a marker.   He was like what does it mean Big sister, it took him a few minutes to get it. 

He wasn't expecting this at all since I told him my period was on the way and I was already spotting.  I had really bad cramps for a couple of days so he thought I was already done with AF. 

He is excited but couscous as usual.  I think until he sees a bump he is not going to be too excited.   However I am over the moon. 

To give MH a sibling makes me so happy.   In addition, If it was like the last pregnancy, I will be pain free for the next 9 months.   My pain already has gone down.   Endometriosis free for the next 9 months is a gift. 

Praying that all goes well.  I am going to act like a normal fertile girl and not stress about all the things that could go wrong. 

HOLY COW: #2

Its CD29 today (P+ 16) and I tested this morning and yeahhhhhh it was Positive, BIG FAT POSITIVE. 

I am the type of person when I am excited  the excitement display only last for 5 second and I am all calm on the outside but still excited inside.   I did a dance and a quite scream in my bathroom for 5 seconds.

This cycle I did the hormone profile and my last blood draw was on P+11.    I was waiting for my period to arrive so that I can e-mail my chart to the Dr. and was planning to see her in a month to review.

On P+10 I spotted, just a hint of blood and did the same for two more days.  This has happened before so I cursed under my breath and just let it go. 

The last two days I had no bleeding, non what so ever and I started to suspect something is up.  Then again it has happened before and had followed up with AF.  I was actually quite amused on the constant chatter that was going on in my head and I was going to blog about it and didn't have time.

When I saw no blood yesterday I decided I would test on P + 16. 

MH sleeps with us and she woke up in the middle of the night wet, apparently her dad gave her a lot of water before bed even though I have asked him not to do.   It was 3:30am and while he was changing her I went down to get a glass of water but realized that I was starving so I had some peanuts and went back to sleep. 

At 7:30 am I walk up to pee and before I peed I checked for any blood, God knows how many times I have done this and had discovered a hint of blood or AF.  That is when I decided I am going to use the only PG stick I had.

Oh my, the feeling of seeing the positive stick.   I can scream with excitement right now.  

After the test I ran downstairs to get my camera, I thought DH had already left for work but he was sitting in the kitchen working.    I resisted telling him.   I told him I came down for water and run back up quickly.   I waited until he left to take a picture of the pregnancy stick.   No picture included here, can't find the cord for the camera to connect to my computer.

WOW, this is so unexpected.  Just in my last blog post that I was whining about how my body is broken etc.

Since I was doing the cycle long hormone profile I did not take progesterone or estradiol. 

The only thing I am on is 60 mg T3 and 5 mg of HC in the morning.

I already called the Dr's office and they will be getting back to me with lab orders and the plan for progesterone support. 

I am curious to see what my progesterone level was post peak. 

I have a headache, boobs on the side hurt a little and I have cramps.   It feels like just before my period is about to come.  The cramps scary me. 

Please say a prayer that all will go well. 

Now how to tell my husband? My mom is here so it is going to be hard to pull a surprise.  I don't know if I want to tell her now since she worries too much.  I just want to make sure I at least have a blood test before I tell her.  

Update

On TTC front I went back to my Napro Dr. a few weeks ago.  I was on Estradiol and progesterone for  the last four months and still spotted and my luteal phase was short for 2 cycles.  Never had this problem when I was taking meds prior to pregnancy.    I went back with the determination of getting all that can be tested and giving the pregnancy thing one last shot.   So right now I am doing the cycle long hormonal profile and will have an ultrasound and HSG shortly.    I am also going to start taking LDN again.  The endometriosis is getting worse and I have pain all the time.  Since I am home and it is somewhat manageable.    If I am hurting I have the option of laying down and taking it easy.   The Dr. suggested another surgery which I refused.  It would be my last option and I wouldn't only go there If my pain becomes intolerable.    It took me forever to recovery from the last surgery, I am emotionally scared by it.    So my plan is we will try to conceive for another year and if it doesn't happen we will close that chapter.   I really want to give MH a sibling, and I want another baby.   Heck I want three or more.  Part of me says I got pregnant once then then chance of it happening is high.  However, the infertile me kicks in and says that one time is just a one time  and my body is broken.  Yes my body is broken, I have headaches all the time, I get tired easily and I am in pain constantly so I know the reality.    I am also pushing 40 so if it happens it will be a miracle.  But if no child comes out of this that is OK.  I have my one and I am thankful. 

We live 5 min from our local hospital and there is a LabCorp next door. I can even walk to it and have my blood draws.  I still can't drive far without being in pain.  No one understands it since I am standing and waking around and look fine.  Since I have to use my right foot for driving the action of pressing on gas or brake repeatedly aggravates  the pain.  Most of the pain I have is on the right.  During an internal examination at the Napro Dr.  after telling her that it really hurts on the right she had to go there and dig, it was so painful I wanted to cry.

The last few months I am constantly blotted and have also gained  3-4 lb.   I lost count on how many times I have been asked if I am pregnant.  Even my Dad asked :).  So I am 15 lb over my pre-pregnancy weight and that is a lot for a  5 feet 2 inches frame.   I have to lose at least 10 lb to feel comfortable.

In other news not related to TTC and health we finally bought a dining set after looking for almost a year.  When I have to buy big items I agonize over the purchase and I am always looking for something that doesn't exist.  Any how we finally settled on one, didn't think spending $1500 on a set is smart since I am not working and we could have been fine with our old set but DH also wanted to buy so our dining area can look decent.  

The one other purchase will have to be curtains for our living room and I still haven't found what I liked without spending over $200.    I am assuming another 6 month before I find what I like :). 

MH is saying a few phrases and is approaching 2.  She is a happy and a fun toddler.  I am enjoying ever minute of it.  

Dreams

For the last few years I have had the same recurring set of dreams that creep up from time to time.   

1. I am in a car/bus or in a big building trying to go somewhere.  In the dream I get lost over and over again and never get to my destination.   I am either driving aimlessly or in a big building trying to get to a place within the building but never get there.  The other night I dreamt that I took a family member to the ER and had to take my cousin to the same ER but I couldn't find it so I am climbing stairs, getting in to elevators etc but never get to my destination.

2.  I am somewhere or in a class room where someone announces that we are having an exam but I haven't studied at all.  I tell people around me I am not prepared to take the test.  I read the questions and don't know any of the answers.   I haven't been in school for the last 8 years so I have no idea why I am having this dream.  I usually wake up from it with such a knot in my stomach.  I hate this dream. 

3.  The third dream is usually me arguing with someone.  Usually it is a family member.  I hate conflict so I avoid it at all costs.    In the dream I am screaming at someone and letting them have it.  My oldest sister and my brother are usually at the receiving end.    This dream doesn't bother me as much; I am doing what I want to do in reality but since I hate conflict I get to do it in my dream :)

I wish I was one of those people who doesn't dream or never remember their dreams. 

Physical exercise with chronic pain

I am really bad at blogging.  I have no excuse.  I have a lot of time on my hands where I am usually either reading blogs or watching TV.   I have so many things I want to write about mainly my struggle with endometriosis but those posts are not fun.  

During 55 day lent I gave up meat and I also made a point to exercise.    My first cycle on lent I had no menstrual pain prior to my period, non what so ever.   I was thinking the meatless diet had something to do with it but that is just one menstrual cycle.  The next cycle was also less pain.  In addition to lessening of my pain hormonally I was a lot more stable.   I think going with out meat had an effect.  

So for exercise I started off with light stretching and light cardio.    I know any strenuous exercise makes my pain worse but I thought I give it another try.  I incorporated yoga to balance out the stress on my body.     Starting off it wasn't too bad and I got excited and added Z.um.ba.   After two weeks of exercise I was seeing that my moods were a lot better and I walk up and did not always feel the dread that I usually do.   I exercised in the evenings for at least 1h.    But as each day passed that I noticed I walk up in pain, much more pain than usual and would spend the day recuperating.   I cut down the cardio and made it every other day but it was still too much.  After 6 wks of exercise I stopped.   I was in a lot more pain after a session and just couldn't bring myself to go back to it. 

I actually looked forward to exercising and I was disciplined.  I at least did 4-5 sessions a week so the commitment was there.    So I am going to drop the cardio and only do stretching and light walking.   I will also give up red meat and see if the effect I saw during lent is real.  

My pain seems to be increasing recently, it is an up and down battle.  Lately I am waking up in the morning with increased pain on my right hip and thighs that radiates to my legs.   I have lower back pain all that time and the intensity goes up and down depending on how much I do physically and where I am on my cycle.   With increased pain comes the migraine headaches and overall tense muscles.

I am also beginning to look in to the personal care products I use.  I don't really have a lot of products I use besides the basics.  I don't wear makeup except for eye liners and lipsticks.  I have one bottle of perfume that was a wedding gift.  Yep 5 years later I still have the same perfume.    I also don't use deodorants much specially in the winter since I send most of my time at home.   So I want to start slow and replace these products with safer ones.   We don't really buy a lot of house hold cleaners either.  I clean most things in the kitchen with dish detergents and bathrooms with shampoo.  The only household cleaners we buy are cloth and dish detergent and dish washer detergent. 

My niece is graduating from middle school and we are attending this evening so day 1 of my exercise regime will start tomorrow.  Wish me luck. 

Its been a while

This past Sunday we celebrated Easter.  I cooked over two days so that I can be somewhat functional for Easter.  Lots of meat dishes as we were pretty tired of veggies.  I invited my niece (practically a single mother); fiancé is overseas and she is raising her daughter alone.  I also invited my dad and my sister's for Easter lunch.  It was fun, small crowed and enjoyable.  We managed to go to church on Good Friday and stayed for only 1h.  Church and toddler don't mix together.   She wanted to run around and DH held her as much as he could but within 30 min she was restless so he let her go.  She took off running and starting talking to kids and anyone she found.   My mother usually goes to the Sat evening service and goes to her sister's house for Easter.   For  E.th.opian orthodox Easter is the biggest celebration, bigger than Christmas and I have so many wonderful childhood memories.   It is just not the same celebrating Easter here; so you manage to create another tradition. 

MH had fun playing with my nieces daughter.  We don't have anyone else that is closer to her age so she doesn't get to interact much with kids her age.  Seeing them play together was heart warming.  I will have to invite my niece more often so they can get to know each other.   MH is growing up so fast.  She is blabbering, most of it we don't understand.  Since we also talk to her in our native language she is mixing the two languages.    We have a playground behind our house and we manage to go at least twice in a day when the weather is nice.   The older kids around the neighborhood love her since she makes sure she says hi to everyone and they find her baby talk funny and ask me to interpret :).  We really like our neighborhood, there are lots of families and young kids are always playing outside. 

3. On TTC front I was pretty sure I was pregnant.  On P+10 I walk up to spotting.  I haven't spotted since I had MH.  My last cycle on Med was 28 days with good CM and no spotting.  Before I was pregnant with MH I had luteal phase defect and spotted as early as P+6.  I took progesterone and estradiol for two cycles (I think) before the spotting stopped and I became pregnant.  I also had spotting starting on P+10 before I found out I was pregnant with MH.  So yep, spot on P+10 and I automatically assumed that this must be implantation spotting.  I had all the signs, sore boobs, back pain, faint cramps.  Boy I was excited :(.  I spotted for three days and on Easter Sunday morning there was AF.  What a bummer.   Not only I was not pregnant but now I am spotting on Meds :(.   I will have to go back to the Napro Dr for blood work.  I haven't had any blood work done since MH.   It just doesn't make sense to assume that I have the same problems as before MH and use the same treatment.  It will be helpful to know the hormone profile.  I don't know though if I want to go off the meds so that I can have the blood work.  We shall see.  I am also not keen on going to PA since my DH is really busy over the next few months and if I make that appointment it would mean he will have to take a day off.  I want to be aggressive and pursue a second pregnancy but I also have to be sensitive to my family needs. 

The good, bad and hormonal meltdowns

1. Lent has been going well as far as going meatless.  I don't even crave meat at all so it has not been hard.   However, I am lacking in my daily prayers.  I just don't seem to be able to focus much and I am struggling.   We still have a little more than two weeks to go.  Will see how I do.

2.  We haven't gone to church in a few months.  We were never regular goers but we were trying a few months ago.  DH doesn't agree with some of the church politics that has been going around for a long time (long story) and he said he doesn't want to go and I am not pushing.  When I decided to be a SHAM I planned for us to go to church regularly.  Having a restless 18 months old doesn't help either. 

3.  I bought MH two Easter dresses.  The one I really like seem to be a little small even though it is a size 2 and she is only 18 months.  She will not be able to wear it long so I may have to return it.   My DH hates shopping, I don't like it either but when we go together I find myself hurrying because he hates to be there and he stresses me out :).  

4..  After my hormonally meltdown a week prior to AF two cycles ago I felt much better.   I was so happy and enjoying the ride.  I took progesterone and estradiol post peak and it was all good.  I did not have any cramps or mood changes until a day before AF arrived.   It went down hill after that and I feel like crap.  Today is cd 7 and I am still in the damps.  All week I have been really down especially in the mornings.  This past weekend was not good at all.  While eating breakfast I told DH that I feel like crap and I told him how frustrated and hopeless I felt.   He told me that I need to be positive and starting talking about his mother and how she handled her chronic illness when they were growing up and how great she was.  Stuff that you don't want to hear when your hormones have sank you in the pity of despair. The conversation changed when he said I only share this with him and not with my family.  He said when my mom is here during the week I look positive and I am smiling.  Yes I do pretend all is good.  I tell her when I am in pain but I don't go in to details.  He said he feels burdened with the fact that I only share with him and that I should be real with my family.   The conversation went south after that, in short what I heard was I am tired of hearing about your problems and snap out of it.   It is like he punched me on the stomach.    I am not a cryer but I was really sad and I was in tears.  I don't know how to have a conversation when feeling hurt.  I got up and walked away and finished crying in my bathroom.  Since then we haven't talked about it and I am still hurt.  I know it is not fair for him to have to deal with this.  It is not like he can fix it, but I just feel so alone sometimes that I just need to talk to someone.

5.   I am seriously thinking of going on meds for depression/anxiety and see it will help.  If it means it will bring me some stability then I will have to consider it.   I am also seriously thinking of going on prescription pain meds. I have been avoiding this for years but it may be the best option I have for now.  

6.  On a positive note I started exercising two weeks ago.  I do dance aerobics and palates.   The palates is helping my pelvic pain so it is all good.  I have put this as my number one priority for now.  

7. On the TTC front nothing to report.  My cycle have normalized at least for the last two.   We really haven't been good at actively trying and I am exhausted from all the hormonal ups and downs so I don't even make an effort.  What would be great for me was to be pregnant.   Oh how I long to be pregnant just for the feeling of hormonally stability.  

Lent and other stuff

1.  The 55 day fasting/lent started on Monday.   On Sunday I took about 30 min to plan out a vegan menu for the next 2 months.   DH and my mom are following the fast and there will not be any diary, meat, fish or eggs for them.   I have never fasted before, as children my mom did not allow us to fast but as an adult with all my health complication and spiritually weakness I never did follow lent.   Since given my digestive issues I don't think I can last long so I have decided I will only be giving up meat.   It is going to be hard since I eat meat at least 3-4 times a week.   No meat while on gluten free diet should be interesting.  On Sunday we went out to our favorite restaurant for one last pre lent meal and it was wonderful to be out and enjoy good food and weather with DH and baby.

2.  This past week I have been thinking a lot of my back/pelvic pain.  The last few months I felt better but this time it has returned in full force.  All week I couldn't only accomplish one task at a time and would have to lye down to rest my back.   Even after peeing I would have to rest for a few minutes. Sitting on a chair for more than 5-10 min is unthinkable.  Today AF showed up and hopefully the increased pain is just due to AF and once she is gone I can go back to my normal.  My normal is pain on a daily bases that I can ignore and massage away with hot showers.     I don't know how to live happily with chronic pain.  I have accepted it to some extent but not fully.  Even my husband doesn't understand at times.  If it wasn't for the blog world and reading about people who go through this day in day out I would feel even more lonely than how I feel right now.   Sometimes I tell my mom I am going upstairs for a few minutes to get something just so that I can lye down and stretch out my back.  When the pain gets really bad I get migraine like headache, my vision is compromised and I feel like I am going to lose it. 

3. Hopefully AF will show up in the next couple of days.  If that is the case I will start the progestrone/estradiol after ovulation starting next cycle.    I will do this for the next two month and go back the Napro Dr. for cycle review.   TTC is going very slowly and I am not rushing and obsessing about it since I just don't have the energy to do so.   However it still stinks to see AF.  I did not get a good night sleep as I was cramping half the night.  I turned on the TV this morning and it happened to be on the baby story channel :(, not something I want to watch on the day AF shows up.

4. We had a good spring like weather over the weekend and it was wonderful.   I am so excited for some warm weather and sunlight.  If only my back cooperates so we can do stuff out doors.  Our life is so sedatery.  DH usually comes home and we are in front of the TV after dinner or playing with MH.   This will have to change.  Even though I can't do much physically I will have to make sure we do something.  I don't want to be stuck in the house all day.  It was OK when I was working since I am exhausted by the time I come home or the weekend is usually taken up with me trying to recovery from the week but now that I am home I need to be out of the house regularly.

5. We took MH to a really nice library on Sat.  She is a little more hyper than most kids her age.  She walks in and says hi to everyone that goes by her.   She run around the children for about 20 min.  She was just excited to see kids and she was grinning ear to ear.  She is a little young for such outing, may be in a few mounts she will be ready to sit still for at least 10 min. 

Guilt

It has been six months since I have been a SAHM.  The initial plan was for me to take at least a 6 months break before looking for a job assuming that I don't get pregnant within the 6 months.  Now things have changed.  I am not ready to go back to work; far from it.  I also want to TTC for another 6 months since I have not been ovulating regularly. 

My DH in addition to his full time position he had a part time teaching position.  He has been doing this for the last 5 years or so consistently.  However, this semester they said in order to save money the school will have full time faculty load increase and get rid of the part time positions.   This means his take home check will not cover all of our expenses.  It is almost enough but not quite.  I also use to pay my Mom for the babysitting help but will not be doing so and I had to tell her this week :(.

I feel guilty.  My parents gave up everything so their kids could have a better future in the US.  They have no pension or any significant amount of saved up money.  When I was working I gave them money monthly and I took pride in doing so.  It wasn't a lot but it was something.   It seem like my siblings are struggling with money too so they are also giving less.   We also help DH's family back home and that is something we can not stop to do. 

The majority of time I am at peace with my decision to stay home.  But at times I feel guilty that I should be out there working and helping out my parents, other family and also lessen the burden on DH.   My DH has been very supportive.  Since I quit my job he has not brought up money issues or suggested for me to go back to work.  He is on board with the commitment we have made and he also likes that I am home.  

When the guilt creeps up I always have to go to the list of why I chose to be home and that the fact is I don't think I can do it all with my health issues.  It is not as simple as getting another stressful job.  Since I have been back on HC and off of the progesterone I have been feeling a lot better.  I am on a road to recovery but I also have quite a way to go.  I want to feel my best before the next job so I can manage family and career at the same time.    If God blesses as with another child then I will have to further delay going back to work. 

For now I am going to count my blessings and focus on giving in other ways.    

Puzzled

Today is P20 or what ever else it is I have no idea.  So this cycle is the cycle where I took the progesterone and estradiol post peak.  I used the cheap OPK and it was positive and seem like I ovulated on cd14, I also had fertile CM.   Starting on P12 or 13 I started having mild cramps and some  back pain as well as sore boobs.   So I figured AF is around the corner.   By P16 no AF so I was getting excited and told myself I will test on P17.   On P16 I had cramps on and off with sore boobs and some nausea.  

On P17 I braved the cold and went out to get a stick.   On the way to the drug store I was excited and for a moment was sure there is a good chance that I was pregnant.   I was day dreaming on how I would tell DH and how I am going to pull off the surprise.  All the good stuff.  Got home and run upstairs to pee on the damn stick.  I despise pregnancy tests.  I always have since the first one I took when we started trying in 2008.   So to my surprise I got a BFN.  I just sat in a daze for a while and collected my self (kicked my self for being so naive). 

Since P17 I haven't had any symptoms, no cramps, no sore boobs, nothing and no AF either.    So where the hell is AF?   Part of it is also my fault, I haven't been doing a good job charting, may be I missed something.  The last few days I have been feeling great physically.  The usually chronic back and butt pain has subsided for what ever reason so I am taking advantage and running around the house getting things done.

In other news DH cough what ever MH had and was sick the last two days.   Same thing, really high fever, joint pain but no stomach issue or snot.  Odd.  I have been really busy taking care of him and MH.  MH has been very clingy since she was sick and just getting back to her self the last few days.   So far I have no symptoms so I think I may be spared. 

Frightening

Two days after our C.h.ucky visit MH was sick.

She was fine during the day and walk up screaming in the middle of the night.  She calmed down and went back to sleep.  She was a little warm but didn't think of it much. 

She walk up in the morning and took a bottle and went back to sleep.  I was happy that she took the bottle.   I was in the kitchen when she finally walk up, DH was sleeping as well.  She was hot to the touch so we took here temp tit read 101.  I was in the kitchen to get the Tylenol and also call her Dr. when I heard DH scream out my name.  He was carrying her and running to the door.   I grab my bag and run after him.  At the time I quickly glanced at her and she was awake but had a little bit of saliva in her mouth.    DH said she stiffened up, shook and lost consciousness which appeared to be less than 1 min.  The drive to the hospital is a blur, I remember checking if she was breathing OK and if she was alert.  The hospital is a 3 min drive from our house.   When we got there I run carrying her.   

The Dr. said she had a f.e.brile seizure.  I have never heard of it  before.   It happens in some children when the fever spikes within a short time.  When we got to the hospital her fever was 105 C.  Holly Cow, how did it get that high in such a short time. 

She has never had a fever before, and so we never had to give her any fever meds.    The Dr. said she has an ear infection on the right one.  She got Motrin and antibiotics and they kept us for about 1h for observation. 

We came home, gave her the next dose of fever med that night.  We tried to give her the antibiotics and she threw it up.  We gave her a bath and she was fast asleep.   Neither of us slept much.  During the night her temp was fine.  Then next day we went to her Ped. and he checked her and said she has no ear infection and to stop the antibiotics.   The fever resolved in such a short time which is also odd.  She doesn't have a cold or any stomach issue. 

This was such a scary experience and I am glad I didn't see her go though the seizure.  DH was crying on and off the whole day.   I was just numb.  

In other news AF is late.  I am not sure if the last one was on the 23rd or 24th.   I will wait until Tuesday to test.  I doubt after just one month on treatment I would get a BFP.   But the good news is there is no brown spotting.  I have some cramps like usual.  My boobs hurt also and a little nauseous at times but this happened the last two cycles so not thinking of it much. 

Update

1.      It’s been a while since I blogged. I have no excuse. Happy New Year to everyone. We had a lovely Christmas and New Year. DH was on vacation for more than 3 wks and he will be back to work end of this wk. It has been really nice having him home. My Mom went home and should be back once DH starts working. We celebrated the 1st Christmas at DH's cousin's house; this has been the tradition for the last 5 years. We also celebrated the orthodox Christmas, also at another Cousin of DH. I hosted my family on New Year day. It has been a stress free holiday season.

 

2.      I haven't made any New Year’s resolution because I hate making them and not following through. Reflecting back on 2012 a lot had taken place in our household with the biggest being purchasing a house and I becoming a SHAM. For 2013 I strive to be a better mother and wife.

 

3. I have never been to Ch.u.ck e Che.ese before until yesterday. DH and I didn't even think of it much when we got the invitation. We get to the place at 4 pm, ohhh boy. As soon as we walked in the smell hit us. It was suffocating. I was tempted to grab my child and run out. I didn't grow up in the US so I had no idea what the place was like. I thought it is a place where you have pizza, cut cake and sing happy b. day and call it a day. I was in for the shocker. The place had a zillion kids running around like crazy. To top it off this was for a 2 year old. Definitely not a place for a 2 year old party. MH is at a point that she doesn't want to be held and want to run around. So DH was chasing her constantly so that she doesn't start rolling on the filthy carpet. The place was loud, way over crowded and dirty to say the least. The game area was crazy, kids high on sugar running around from one game to the next. How do people with multiple kids keep an eye on their kids? I have been watching MH today, she has some snot but no temperature so it is looking good. I wouldn't be surprised if we come down with the flu/cold. There will not be any Ch.uck.e Che.ese outing ever for us.

4. MH is teething constantly, she has about 6 teeth coming out, it doesn't seem to bother her much except for having her hand in her mouth and drooling. What we are having issues with food. She is a picky eater. When I started her with food at 6 month, she started with avocado, banana, and green peas. She didn't eat much of it but at least tried. I also incorporated chicken later on which she didn't really like much but managed to take at least half a cup of purred chicken with vegetables. A few month ago she said no to the chicken and everything else except fruits, eggs, oatmeal. She eats oatmeal with banana/apple in the morning, yogurt with some fruit for lunch, eggs for dinner. I am trying to give her time and not force it but I am running out of options. She refuses to touch any vegetables. What am I doing wrong?


5. On TTC front AF finally showed up after 40 days and I started the meds I was on pre-pregnancy. I am taking HC, progesterone and estradiol post peak. Surprisingly once I stopped the progesterone pre-peak I felt better. My anxiety was less and I walk up refreshed in the morning. I don't get it. It made me feel better when I started it and the whole point of being on it for the last 12 months. I had to go back on it post peak so I don't know if the effect is real. We have started to TTC. Today is P + 9, as usual I have lower back pain and some fatigue. Of course my mind went to thinking pregnancy symptoms. I know, I know, I had to laugh at myself. We will see what the next few cycle looks like. My issue pre-pregnancy was spotting early. I haven't had that post-partum but I wasn't ovulating regularly so it is hard to tell.

6. When I quit my job I made a promise to myself that I will not be buying cloth for a year. Part of it is an effort to minimize pressure on our budget and part of it is that I have cloth that I bought pre-pregnancy that no longer fit. I have about 7lb to lose and it hasn't gone anywhere. I have been very good with the promise with the exception of buying a pair of socks. The other day the handle on my purse broke, I have been holding the same black purse for the last year. Before MH I usually hold smaller purses and once she arrived I starting holding a bigger purse and every time I try to change to my other purses I keep thinking it is not enough space. DH threatens to go out and buy me a purse but I have at least 3-4 smaller bags that I can use.