Space

The first few weeks after moving to our new place I was in pain. In pain due to the physical work involved with moving but also due to the fact we now have stairs which my legs were not used to climbing on regular bases. Although I like our new house at the I missed the simplicity of our beloved apartment.

DH and I lived together before getting married.  Not a smart move but that is another post.

The first place I called my own besides college housing was shared with my sister. It was a big apartment; we both had our own bedrooms. When my sister wanted to move out (I was dating DH at the time) we decided to move in together. He was in school at the time and I also wanted to save money so we moved into an efficiency. I know, we were crazy. The place was small and there was nowhere to hide when we fought :). We had a mattress, computer table and a chair. On weekends we went out to a local cafe that had nice tables and sofas and that was our living room. We spent many hours there doing school work and reading.

We moved in to a one bedroom apartment after a year. I thought we had so much space, we had a dining room, living room and a little kitchen. I loved the space, it was big enough for the two of us. After we got married we moved to another apartment closer to my job and it was a two bedroom and much bigger. I loved it, and I dreamt of having a baby at this place. We told ourselves this would be the last place we will rent. Then came tinny MH. She didn't take up much space but her stuffy took over the apartment :).  

A week after we moved to our new house we went to clean the apartment before handing the key and it fealt so small :). I am sure our new place will look small in a few years but for now it is big for me in some senses. See we only had a love seat in front of the TV in our apt and both DH and I sat there ever night. I just miss the small, cozy personal space we had. 

Napro Dr. Visit

Last week I had my first postpartum Napro Dr. appointment. Since Dr. S is no longer there I saw Dr. D. in the same office. The routine was the same, drove 2+ hours early morning with my husband and waited for 1h to see the Dr. but I guess that is how the office operates. My aim for the appointment was to get suggestion on how I can get off the progesterone pre peak so that I can ovulate normally again and also deal with the anxiety. Right now I am taking progesterone from day 3 until the first day of cycle. I have had irregular cycles for over six months and it is obvious I am not ovulating every cycle.

I was a little disappointed that the Dr. did not review my chart prior to the appointment because she kept asking me what medicine I was on pre-pregancy. Anyhow the major issue is my Anxiety and coming off the progesterone without another solution is not practial for me. I was on LDN, HC, post peak progesterone and estradiol prepregancy. So we discussed the options.  So for now I am going to start the HC and post peak-progesterone and estradiol.  She suggested B.us.par for anxiety but decided only to add  it if I need it.  I am hoping that the HC will help and if I don't feel better I will consider B.us.par.  It is suppose to be safe for pregnancy just in case I do conceive but I do not want to be on it for the obvious reasons.  In addition it is not a medicine prescribed for long term from what I read.  

So the plan is for me to go back to her with two month chart and then we will go from there.  

If anyone reading has experience with B.us.par please share. Thanks.

Balancing marriage and family

I wrote this a week ago and my computer crashed before I could post it.

My oldest sister usually hosts Thanksgiving.  Since all my siblings live in the area and see each other pretty often it is just another day of family gathering.  My sister went back to work after 10 years at home and she is tired busy so I volunteered to host.   I spent Wednesday cooking.  I don't like turkey much and have never made it before so I stuck to E.t.hio.pian dishes.    As usually I was in pain by the end of it but kept taking pain killers so it wasn't too bad.   It was a small gathering with just my sister and her family, my uncle and my parents.  Food turned out great and we had a good time.    I am grateful for the fact that my family are close by and for all the opportunities this country has to offer.   I think the US is the best place to live for any immigrant.

Anyhow as I said most of my siblings are here and I have a lot of extended family.  DH's immediate family are back home and although he does have some distant relatives here they are not as close since they only know one another as adults.   In addition growing up DH family were isolated from most of his extended family.  

Most of the visitors to our home are my family.   I live 20 min from my parents and sister's house so there is at least 2-3 times a week someone will pop in especially since my mom spends the weekdays with us.    I think this has gotten a little overwhelming for my DH.  Since we had MH everyone wants to come visit and I love it but I can see how it can be overwhelming.     In addition, I think some of us in the family still operate as if we don't have a family of ours.   Decisions sometimes are made without involving spouses.   I grew up in an environment where it was close to impossible to be alone.  We are a big family but we also had neighbors and extended family visit a lot so for me it actually feels lonely when I don't have people around.  I remember when I was a child I would sit in our backyard just to get some alone time.  I am trying to be understanding to DH's needs and focus more on just the three of us.    DH loves my family and I think all he needs is for my number one priority to be my marriage and kid and then my family.   Usually I don't separate the two.

Wonky Cycles & TTC

Oh how I hate talking about cycles.  It makes me tired :.   I breastfeed/pumped for 6 months.  My cycle returned 3 wk after birth, so much for the break I was hoping for.  Anyhow after birth my cycles were regular with no spotting.  I was excited because I though the possibility of getting pregnant without going through treatment.    At the time I didn't chart or use OPK but I had thought I was ovulating normally.   After I stopped breastfeeding and started taking the progesterone my cycle have been all over the place.   At first I had a couple of long cycles, 37 day. The last three month I had a 37, 23 and 16 day cycles.   So weird.  So I finally went out and got an OPK.  This cycle seemed to be "normal" so I thought but it lasted 25 days.   I had the usual hormonal ups and downs.  OPK was positive on day 12.  I had limited CM but it was there.  I actually thought the possibility of pregnancy for a couple of days.  My boobs were very sore, I felt some nausea but like always it is one of those bad periods.    Every time I get the disappointment of CD1  all I have to do is look at my daughter and I feel at ease. I remember praying for a pregnancy and asking for GOD for just one child.  Now I am asking for a 2nd and I am sometimes ashamed.   I should be happy with what I have and be OK.  But it takes me time to get to that level emotionally. I want MH to have siblings but if that is not in the card for us then I want to be OK with it without the emotional turmoil.    Do I make sense?

I went to my Dr. a few weeks ago.  I had stopped taking all the supplements because I was feeling blaaa, I actually felt better so may be one of the supplement is not agreeing with me or my body needed a break.   So I didn't do the lab she ordered.  It most likely would look like the last one so didn't see the point.  I wanted a follow up with her to see what else I can do about the pain, anxiety and headaches.   After hearing me out she went back to telling me to try C.y.mbalta.  She said it might work for the pain in turn will help the anxiety    She forgot she had prescribed it 2 years ago;  I took it for a few days and felt like I was dying, not only did it make my anxiety worse it made me feel weird and not myself.   I think she has done all she could for me.

Any how I will be seeing the Napro Dr in December and do some lab work.  I haven't taken LDN since before pregnancy, may be going back on it will help the anxiety.    Since Dr. S in PA retired I am going to a Dr. in the same practice.  I haven't met her and she doesn't know my health history.  I feel like I am starting over and it will take a while.  May be I will give them a call and get some blood work done before I go up there.  Anyone who was Dr. S.tegman patient but seeing the Dr. in the same practice please let me know of your experience.

This and That

1. Old news but we survived hurricane Sandy. We were lucky, no power outage and no major wind gust as expected.    We live in a town-home and we have two trees in our backyard.  One of the trees is in our neighbor’s side but it is a huge tree.  It is a beautiful tree that I have admired from our bedroom window.  It is so nice to wake up in the morning and watch the colorful three.  Then came Sandy and I was terrified.  That night I opened the blinds and saw the tree dancing in the wind, and just imagined it falling on our bedroom.   So we slept in the basement the night of the storm.  Sandy took all the leaves off the trees.  I really like fall with all the color changes and the breezy air but I hate what it brings.   I hate winter, not so much the cold but the darkness.  It makes me depressed and now the time change has messed me up.    

Any how here is the tree, glad it is still standing but looking pitiful.   

  

2. I am so glad the election will be over soon.  I have avoided watching the news coverage as much as I could over the last few weeks.  I just don't enjoy all the drama, it is tiring and not very usefully.   I became a US citizen over 10 years ago.  This will be my third time voting and I am happy I am able to participate.   Voting is a joke in my home country, the last prime minster who just passed away was in power for the last 20 plus years.  So much for democracy.  

3.  My new hobby is reading up on DIY projects and home decorations.   I am in the process of making the basement a cozy space as well as creating a play space for MH on one side.  It is a finished basement and carpeted but it is cold.   I have been looking for a large wool area rug and also heavy curtains that will keep out the draft. I have a small budget for it so it has been challenging but will get done eventually.   

4. Staying at home has been a blessing.  I had lunch with my old coworkers a few weeks ago. It brought back what I miss and a lot of what I didn't miss.  Then just went through another reorganization and a lot of politics.  Listening to my co-workers complain makes me feel like I never left the place so I have been trying to have less conversations involving the situation.  I am still mad at what took place before I left so the less I hear about the place the better.  

5. Besides the people the only thing I miss about working is the money.  I never use to look at prices at the grocery store when I was working.   Now I actually am a lot aware of the cost of food.  We use to shop at an organic market for almost all food.  Not any more.  When I had the money I didn't have the time to spend it :).  Now that we have a home which needs stuff the money is not there.  I took a detailed look at our monthly budget and realized there is no way we can save much money on only DH's salary.  We have enough saved that we don't have to worry about it for now.  I really don't want to think about this now, I just want to enjoy my time with MH.  A friend of mine was working one day/week after she had her second child but after 10 month her hubby is nervous that they are not saving money so she went back to work full time last week.   She has two kids 11 month apart so it is going to be hard managing with work and kids. 

6.  Not much else to say.  Will be buying a laptop over the thanksgiving weekend, hopefully that will result in more blog posts. 

MH's Picture Post

MH turned one in September.  Yes Yes, way overdue for a picture post.  I am not comfortable posting a picture of her on line since I don't post my pictures.   I will post some here for those who read my blog and take them down in a few weeks.

MH is doing great, she took a few steps on her birthday and have been walking ever since.    It was stressful to see her fall down repeatedly on hardwood floor trying to keep her balance for a week or so until she was comfortable.    We tried to keep her down in the basement but she doesn't like the basement much.

We had a big party for her 2 days after her birthday.  On her birthday as you can see below I baked a loaf of chocolate chip bread (yes came out of a box).  I am sure she will complain when she sees what she got for her first birthday.  

Quick Takes

1. I thought now that I am home I will have enough time for blogging.   I don't know where the time goes but most of it is my laziness and unwillingness to fight with my dying computer.

2. We celebrated baby MH's birthday last week.   We had a housewarming/birthday party last Saturday.  With my wonky hormones and overly anxious self I was worried sick about the party.  We had 60+ people including all the kids.   There were no way that I would have been able to cook all that was needed.  Just thinking about it gives me a headache.   We had the food catered by a local E.thiopian restaurant.  We made some of the veggie dishes and we had at least 12 different dishes.  Boy it makes it so easy when you don't have to cook.  All week before the party I was a ball of nerves but all went well.  Everyone had a blast.    Baby MH got to cut a white chocolate cake but did not take part in the eating :).  

3. I have been enjoying being SAHM for the most part but my hormonal state makes it hard.  Sometimes I think that if I am busy with a stupid job then I wouldn't worry about the most random stuff.  I have not gone to my Dr for a follow up and figure out how I can deal with the debilitating anxious feeling.   I also get numbing headaches ever morning and I think that is due to the progesterone.  I was on 100 mg before ovulation and 200 mg after but I switched to 100 mg through out my cycle which made the headaches better.   I am just tired of going to the Dr :(.  I stopped taking T3 for a week, didn't get a chance to pick up the prescription.  After a few days I started feeling the lump on the side of my throat which was more obvious when I swallowed.  

4. On the subject of TTC we are not avoiding but not actively trying either.   MH sleeps with us so that also puts a limit. I have been lazy about charting but I am kind of discouraged.  I hardly have any fertile CM and I am just not ready for the battle of TTC.  I don't think I want to go there again with the obsessively charting, CM analysis, and all that comes with it.   I am just not emotionally strong enough to handle the disappointments.   Since Dr. S has retired I have made an appointment with another Napro Dr at the same office for November. yes Nov, so far out.    Right now I want to get pregnant so that I can feel sane.  The last 5-6 month of my pregnancy I felt hormonally balanced.  It was the best time for me health-wise.  I do anything to feel that normally again.  Is it bad that I want to be pregnant more than I want to give birth to a child? 

5. We have been trying to transition MH to her crib, it is not working so well.  When she sleeps we transfer her to her crib but she wakes up in the middle of the night and looks for us and starts crying.  At that point there is no putting her back in the crib so she comes to our bed.  This has been going on for two weeks.  She sleeps in the crib for her naps.  She doesn't want to be placed in the crib when she is awake.  I think we are not trying hard enough.  My mantra is she will transition when she is ready.  We will see how long this lasts. 

6. I am doing a bad job on time management.  Being a SAHM has been challenging and my weakest point is time management.   I have so many tasks and so little time and drive to get things done.  

7. I love fall but I hate what comes after it :(.  Just thinking about cold weather puts me in a bad mood.   Hopefully it won't be too bad.   

Settling

Its been almost a month since I quit my job and also moved in in to our new home.  Things have been going good for the most part.  Our sofa finally was delivered last week so we are happy we have a place to sit.  We are still looking for a dining table.  We wanted a black/brown leather cushion on the chairs so it is easy to clean but can't seem to find that around the furniture stores in town.  I came to realize that I am not very good at decorating a home.  I want to be good at it but I lack the patient and also the designer gene :).   I have watched hours of HGTV and it doesn't help.  I still have to pick area rugs, curtains, and a few other things.  We have MH's first birthday party in a few weeks.  It would be a birthday/house warming party together and we have to get the place ready.

On the stay at home front I have been enjoying it.  I love waking up with my daughter and spending moments with her doing her morning bla bla.  She is really funny.   The girl can talk.  We usually wake up at around 8am and spend some time cuddling and talking before we go down for breakfast.  I love spending time with my mom sipping some good Ethi.opian coffee after breakfast.  The fact that my mom is with us during the weekdays is huge for me.  I enjoy spending time with her and also being able to do other things while she watches the baby.

MH is standing assisted.  She is now 11 month old.  She can also go up the stairs and also attempting standing unassisted.  She is still small, about 20 lb.  She has her 9 month Dr. appointment coming up (yes I know we are late).  Last week she caught her first cold and has fully recovered.

Moving on to the not so much fun topic.  I have been struggling with intense anxiety for the last few weeks.  I don't know if it is because of the change that took place over the last month or if I was beat up physically with all the stress of work, finally quitting and moving that my body is responding to it now.  Some days I am miserable, especially when I have time to myself and not distracted.   I am fearful of a lot of things including going out of the house alone.   I had also started taking HC, only took it for a few wks because I felt like it was making my anxiety worse.   I am on oral progesterone since 3 month postpartum but stopped taking it for 10 days pre-ovulatory to see if it is  in fact causing the non-ovulatory cycles.   I think that also added to it so I am now on progesterone through out my cycle.  My endo pain has been elevated,  I think it is due to increased physical activity.   I don't know what to do.   Please let me know if you have any advice.  It it just too frustrating to say the least.

Still Here

Sorry for the total silence.   I have been very busy and I still have not bought a new laptop.  My old laptop either freezes or shuts down ever time I turn it on and I just have no patient for it.  I have been meaning to blog for the last couple of weeks but just have not gotten a chance.  A lot has been happening in our lives over the last month.

We closed on our house as planned; all the paper work finally came together.  I quit my job within a few days after closing on our house.  Handing my resignation letter was the best feeling ever.    I have thought about this for months so it was not a sudden decision.    The two weeks after I gave my resignation were very busy with transferring my projects and finishing up things that could get down in a short time.   I have been at the company for over 10 years and know a lot of people so almost every day of my last two weeks I was out at lunch.  It was bitter sweet and I am going to miss my coworkers.   I managed to not cry while there but had a good cry when I got home.     

Within a week after I stopped work we moved to our new house.   We have just finished unpacking the important stuff and have a few boxes left of random stuff.    I have not had a chance to internalize all the changes that has been happening since we were busy with the move and cleaning out our old place.   Even though it is only been two weeks since I have stopped working it feels like a long time.  I am getting 8 hours of sleep ever night and my stress level pretty much is none existent.   Until I stopped working I had no idea that I was in that much stress physically, mentally and emotionally.   Physically this move has been really hard since I forget the limitation of my broken body and try to do too much and end up with pain and headache but I am learning to take it slow.  

There is a lot of stuff in the back of my mind as far as future plans for work, revising my Napro doc, taking classes and many more things but I am keeping all in the back of my mind and getting my house in order and taking the much needed break.   My focus now is to enjoy my baby and husband and try to be a better wife and mother.  Lets just say I have been lacking at both  :)

Brain Chatter

I have so many things swarming around in my head.   Too many things.   I have had tension headaches for a few weeks now and there are too many stressors that I am struggling to cope.  The fact that I am easlily stressed plays a huge role in the state I am in right now.   Today, instead of staying home I decided that I will visit my parents and take my thoughts off of my problems but that didn't work at all.   Any how, I just needed to list my irritation, problems and unrelastic worry thoughts before I went to sleep in hopes of a good night sleep if I just get it off my chest.  Here is the list

1. We are suppose to close on our house on wed.  The loan is approved under a condition that DHs work provide a letter of employment.   The bank couldn't get a letter last week due to the power outage.  So we have two days to provide this letter.  The HR office was not responsive on Friday after they got the power restored so I am really worried that we will not be able to close on Wed which will mean that I am not going to be able to quit my job the week after as planned  :(.

2.  Things are really ugly at work and I can't keep pretending that all is good.  Every day I am there is painful.  I have tried to suck it up over the last few weeks but it is stressisng me out.   I also have so much to do that I am working 11 hour days and also at least half a day during the weekend.

3.   We went to my parents and all my siblings were visiting too.  I went there to get away from my problems and being it familiy there will always be someone elses problems.   I have a sister married to a man that I can't figure out and they are having problems and I know she is stressed but refuses to talk about it openly to the family.   I also have another sister that has been struggling with depression for years and I worry a lot about her.

4.  Our marriage needs work.  DH has not been happy about a lot of things as far as how I am coming short on my responsibilities at home.   I also recognize that there is a lot I can do to improve but the work stress, new baby and my health issues always distracts my focus on what is important.  I am not fulfilling what my husband needs from this marriage which are very simple things like a clean house and a simple family meal on the table.   There is a lot I need to do and quitting my job will give me enough time to focus on our home.

There are more other thing up in my stupid head but I think I listed enough for today.  Hoping for a good sleep tonight.   I started taking HC today, that should help a lot.

On Cycle

AF was expected on Sunday but no show.  I have mild cramps for days now and I have taken a.divil a couple of times already.  I swore I ovulated  around d13/14 but I could be wrong.  So I broke down and tested on Sunday and BFN.   I know I am not PG, I just don't feel it.   I suspect it is all the work stress that is affecting my cycles.  A few month ago it lasted close to 40 days and it came and went away within a day.  Very Odd for me.   So I am just waiting it out.  Stress has such a big effect on our bodies.  I just want AF to show up and go away.   So frustrating.

Stressed Out

We will be closing on our house in a few weeks and I can't wait for that day so I can finally quit my job.  There is so much negativity and finger pointing that is going on at work that even being there one day is a struggle.  However, all things come to an end and I am trying to be patient and wait these two weeks out.  It feels like 2 years instead of two weeks.  If I could I would have taken the next two weeks off and hand in my resignation when I came back but that is close to impossible.    In the mean time I am trying to fill my head with good thoughts and plans on how to decorate our house, color of hardwood floor and wall paint to choose and so on.  

 

I had extensive blood work done as well as the saliva test for cortsol and DHEA.   My Vitamin D, vitaminB12, magnesium, pregnenolone,  DHEA, Zinc and Iron are low.   The saliva test also shows cortosol on the low side during the day and higher in the evening.   I convinced my Dr. to put me on 5 mg of HC even though she said the levels are not low enough to prescribe HC.   With the supplement and prescription I have 12 pills to take on a daily bases and that is a lot.   I am hoping that this treatment will do the trick for another baby.   My cycles have been a little odd since I stopped breastfeeding, the last cycle was right on the money, 28 days with no spotting and minimally PMS.  The cycle before that lasted 40 days or so.  I am expecting AF any day now, today being 27 days and I am crampy and irritable but not spotting.  I am taking progesterone throughout my cycle day 3-28.  I thought taking progesterone before ovulation affects ovulation but my Dr. tells me other wise.   We are changing it to take only 100 mg from day 3-14 and 200 mg from day 15-28.   Even though AF is right around the corner I am tempted to test since I have two pregnancy sticks looking at me.  I am going to resist until tomorrow.   

So the plan for us is to see if I can get pregnant in the next 6 month.  I am going to take at least 6 months before I start looking for a job.  If we are blessed with a pregnancy then I would be taking at least 1.5 years off.  But the infertile in me says don't plan these things out since it never works out the way we want it. I have promised my self that I will refrain from obsessively taking and thinking about TTC.   

Baby MH is doing great.  She started crawling and is keeping us very busy.   We have been co-sleeping since she was about 3 month old.   We will have to transition her to her own crib soon but will wait until I am out of this job. 

Quick Takes-lt has been a while

1. Wow, can't believe it, its been more than a month since I last blogged.  Time flies.  I have been doing a lot of thinking and kind of neglected this blog.  I have a lot in my mind and the fact that my computer shuts on me every 20 minutes or so doesn't help.

2. After a lot of talking, complaining, thinking I finally have decided to leave my job in a couple of months.   From ever front this job is not good for me.   I can tolerate work load, less pay, dead end positions  but I can't tolerate working with people that don't have your best interest at heart and that are all about themselves.   We talked with DH at length on this, and he said he supports my decision and all he wants is for us to be at peace.  Since I have been back to work after maternity leave I have constantly been miserable and complaining at ever chance I got and DH hates it.   It took me a while to get to this point.   When you have been at the same job for more than 10 years it is intimidating to leave but it has to be done.   I have done a lot of thinking over the last month and prioritizing what is important for our family right now.  Being in my late 30s I don't have many fertile years left and we would like to try for a 2nd child.   In addition, my health right now is not at its best.  Hormonally I am still not stable and the stress at my job is not helping.    So the plan is for me to take some time off, at least 3-6 months and look for another job.  Right now going to a new job is not the best choice.    I am  terrified of this decision, it is going to mean that our income is going to be cut by half, which means we can pay all the bills but will not be able to save any money.  The scariest part for me is being at home for six months.   I am so used to working that I don't know how I would manage being home but I am looking forward to spending time with my daughter. 

2. We are in the process of buying a home.  We finally settled for something older and smaller that would only use one income.  If I stay home for an extended time we can still make the house payment, it just would mean we will not have much saving.  

3. The other thing that worries me the most about not working is being dependent on DH financially.  I have never been dependent on any one since I left for college and I don't know how to take it.  I took pride in being the 50% provider  financially for our family and with that gone I don't know how I am going to feel about it.  In addition, although DH supports my decision to quit and we have talked about it I don't want this to bring additional stress on him.  Any one who has gone through this please share any advice you  may have.

4. Baby girl is a lot active but she still not crawling.  She likes to stand supported but refuses to crawl at all.  She may just prefer to walk.  She is going to be 9 month in a few weeks.  We are having issues with solid food, some days she will eat a few spoon fulls but other days she doesn't want to touch it.

5. I went back to my Dr. and did some blood work as well as adrenal hormone  testing.  I am suppose to go back to her in a few weeks.  I will also be seeing the other Napro dr in Dr. S office.
  
6. Sorry I haven't been commenting much.  With all that is going on right now I am distracted.  Promise will get back to blogging and commenting more often. 

Frustrated

My mom is on vacation for two weeks and I have been playing the stay at home mommy role. Oh boy, I love it and hate it at the same time. I love playing with my baby, sipping coffee, reading but I feel lonely. I need interaction with an adult but I can see that this is something I can get used to but will need a lot of discipline to structure my day. Otherwise I will be in my pajamas all day.

Moving on to the real issue I logged on for. Our Easter is tomorrow so like a good wife I set out to cook today. We will not be going to church since the service is overnight and not baby friendly. DH is strictly on vegan diet for lent so I wanted to make something special even though we are invited at his cousin's tomorrow. So I started cooking around 10 am this morning and didn't get out of the kitchen until 3pm. Oh boy, let is just say I am a broken woman. By the end of it my back was killing me, I felt dizzy and weak and just wanted to lie down. I am in my 30s not in my 70s. I am so frustrated of not being able to do the simple things that I need to do without a major melt down. I am physical and mental fragile and I don't know how to deal with it. I am so frustrated with my body that I just want to scream and cry. Once I am to the point of pain the numb headache starts, I get blurry vision, and then I panic. The panic just makes me even weaker. All I wanted to do is make a nice Easter lunch for my husband. This is why I have not invited anyone to our house in a long time. I just can't deal with the pressure and physical demands of hosting anything. We haven’t invited DH's relatives to our house once but yet ever year for Christmas and Easter we go to his cousin's and I feel bad. We should be hosting at least one event a year but I am not capable. I have my family over a lot but they know my situation and do not expect for me to do anything for them. But when it comes to real guests I just can’t handle it. DH says it is not a big deal, if I can’t do it then I shouldn’t. Hopeful I feel better by tomorrow morning.

Quick Takes

1. I feel like I am at a cross road when it comes to my career. I work in research and most people in my department who have the same job title have a PhD. I knew this day was coming, at some point the upward movement stops if you don't have a higher degree. I only have a Masters and that is not good enough. For the last so many years I was just surviving at my job due to health issues and infertility. Don't get me wrong, I work hard but not hard enough, i.e. weekends and nights. I do the occasional weekends but I am just not healthy enough to be putting 12 hour days so I put in 8-9 hours. I am dead tired when I get home and no job is important enough for me to log back on and work a few more hours. The bottom line is I like being in research but the time has come for me to step out of it. So I am in the planning mode, looking at my options within the same company as well as outside. If I get a new job TTC for a second kid will have to be delayed by at least a year. I am no spring chicken so if we want a second child we have to start in the next six month. I am also torn, I like to work but I also would like to spend more time with my child. It would be ideal if I can work part-time but that will be difficult unless I go in to something different and take a pay cut.
2. Overall the last couple of weeks I have been stressed due to the above. DH keeps reminding me that I am lucky to have a job and to have choices. My hormones are OK, much better than before the progesterone but not a 100% yet. The normal stress of being a working mother stresses me out more than usually. Physically I am not strong. I haven’t exercised in so long. My diet could be better, even though I am still on a gluten free diet I have picked up sugar, tea and coffee and my stomach is paying for it. I am bloated often and my gut is not as health as it could be.

3. We are still looking to buy a house but I am not sure because of my job situation. My issue is I am way too carefully. With both of our incomes we can more than afford to buy and still have enough to save for long term needs. We are debt free except for car payments. But I always think of the worst and I am terrified that in case one of us loses our jobs we will be stuck with a house we can't afford. I just have to be bold and go for it.

4. My laptop is on its way out. I have one of those that overheat and the fan is going constantly. It freezes randomly and generally slowing down. It’s taking me forever to write this post. May be it is time to invest in another. So before I break this computer from frustration I am going to stop my quick takes at 4. Hope everyone is doing well.

Don't know what to think

Update: I tested and got a BFN. I thought there was a good chance of it being positive. I have had regular cycles since 6wks postpartum. Oh well, I am bloated, crabby and I am sure the flooding will start soon :(
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I have been extremely busy with work for the last few months and it gets worse by the day. I am at work until 7 or 8 pm ever day. Its nice that I get to see my daughter at lunch time and that my mom is taking care of her. I wouldn't know what I would do if MH was going to day care and I had to do the picking up and dropping off. My husband teaches and his schedule is also busy where he has night classes a few days during the week. I am starting to not like my job, it has always been stressful to some degree but not what it is right now and I also don't like the new managment style. People in my group are extremely stressed and there is a lot of tension between people and the management style doesn't help. There are women with children working all day and going home and working after they put the kids to sleep. I don't want to become that woman. So I have been consumed with work and thoughts of how and what career moves I need to make. In addition, we are looking for a home and were ready to buy a few months ago but now I am having second thoughts on what we can afford. We were using both of our incomes to qualify for a home but I don't think that is such a smart thing to do. I want more kids but I don't see myself being a stay at home mother. I also don't see myself working full time if we have more kids. So I want something in the middle so would like to work part time if we grow our family. So we have been stalling on the house search since I am not sure what I want in the long run. Anyhow moving to the pressing issue...

Since I have been so busy I lost track of when my last period came so last Thursday I was extremely tired in the morning and I figured AF must be on her way. I started having cramps and since my period was unpredictable last month with a total of 10 days bleeding I imagined things to be messed up down there. So today I remembered that I blogged about it last month so checked the blog when my last period showed up and it was on Feb 4th. When I was counting I was assuming Feb 11th or so. Now 37 days later no period and I have been having cramps for a couple of days. Could I be pregnant is the question, I want to run out and get a pregnancy test but I feel exhausted and can't get myself together. I am going to have to force myself and go out to the store. The suspense is killing me. Will update soon.

Spoke Too Soon

Here is MH at 4.5 months. Isn't she the cutest thing ever :)

I think I spoke too soon when I blogged about my period the last time. Accompanied with minor cramps I had three days of it during my last cycle, so I thought but it returned a week later and lasted a full week with light bleeding. WTH, never had that before in my life. Although I am grateful that I am feeling emotionally better and that the cramps are almost nonexistent during and before my period, I am a little worried with all the bleeding. I have been anemic for years until my first surgery to remove the Endometriosis so I get a little anxious when I see too much blood. Now I am worried on what is going on inside me, what could be causing the extra bleeding, why did it stop and come back after a week? It also worries me that the road to another pregnancy might be a lot more difficult or impossible at worse. I am trying to have peace with it and enjoy my blessing.

Have I said before that I am really bad at keeping my house in order. My husband points this out once in a while. Our walk in closet is a disaster and it is all my fault. DH said he doesn't want to bring it up anymore because he doesn't want to appear as a nag. But recently the mess has migrated in to his side of the closet and he can't take it anymore :). So on Sunday I spent all day cooking and cleaning. I organized our closet and cleaned the whole house. On Monday morning I was a mess. I walk up feeling dizzy and achy. My back was killing me, apparently I cannot bend to mop the floors and clean my toilet. I felt so sick that I took a 4h nap. I felt better after the nap but this just lets me know how much I can do physically. Its good thing that I was off from work, I would have had to call in sick. I really need to do some kind of exercise to build up my strength but it just can't be strenuous exercise. So the plan is to walk ever day now that the weather is getting better.

Quick Takes

I have become a bad blogger. I admit that I have been lazy but life has also gotten busy with working and baby.

1. MH is 4.5 month old and is 12.5 lb. Small for her age but growing fine. She is such an easy baby as long as she eats. When she is sleepy I just throw her in her crib and she drifts off.

2. I am still breastfeeding. I pump once at lunch. I just can't stand the idea of pumping at work, there are 4 women sharing one pumping room and each pumps at least twice so you can imagine the traffic. She gets about 8-12 ounces of formula and the rest breast milk.

3. Since I have been on the progesterone life has gotten a lot better. I don't have the hormonal ups and downs. My periods have gotten a lot better too. AF showed up yesterday and I didn't know it, I had no glaring symptoms. No brown spotting or debilitating cramps. I felt some light cramps yesterday and by the evening AF has showed up. I don't recall the last time I had symptom free period. I have some faint cramps today and not bad enough to take a pain killer. I have come a long way from where I was just two month ago. I was so miserable hormonally after the baby and it was depressing me.

4. We put an offer for a new home and had a week if we want to back out. By the third day I was ready to back out of the deal so we did. I love the place; I am still not sure why I am having such a hard time making a decision. It is above our price range and a few things I didn't like but overall it had more than we want in a house. This is not something I can sleep on since we had to let the developer know within a few days without losing our deposit. So since I am not sure I have decided to just let it go even if it is painful. Can you tell that I am terrified of being in debt for 30 years? My husband is irritated with my indecisive nature, I don't blame him. I am irritated with myself too :)

5. Dr. S, my Napro Dr. is retiring so I am a little sad. I have decided that we will not actively try for another baby until the summer. I will be seeing the Dr in the same office in the spring to get a base line of my hormones and see if I need to be on the same meds as before. I am in my late 30s so I can't afford to wait any longer.