Almost Over

I saw my local OB earlier this week.  He did an ultrasound to confirm, he has one of the fancy machines so it took a second and the picture was clear.  Sac with no flickering heartbeat.  Although I knew the outcome seeing it was devastating. 

I have a D & C scheduled for tomorrow morning.  I just came back from a pre-surgery physical at the hospital.   The OB said he usually does the procedure at his office or outpatient surgery places.  I requested it be done at a hospital.  I am terrified and so fearful of going under.   It makes me feel a little better doing it at the hospital in case there is any complication.   I know these procedures are considered simple but I am freaking out.

Nothing has happened as far as naturally miscarrying.   I have seen a hint of blood and cramping  here and there but nothing else. 

Asking for your prayers.  Thank You.

Update

So as  expected I got a call from my Dr. yesterday with pretty much the same info I got from the ultrasound tech.   I stopped the progesterone and I am just waiting for the bleeding to start.   If anything starts over the weekend I will go to the emergency room to get it taken out.

I made an appointment with my OB for Tuesday if nothing happens between not and then.
 
The nurse said it should take about a week for the progesterone to go down and bleeding to start.   The progesterone level was at 10.5 on Thursday. 

All the pregnancy symptoms I had vanished overnight.  Yesterday morning I walk up and nothing.  No sore boobs, no morning sickness or feeling tired.    I feel like my period is about to come but the cramps are very faint.  So it seems like this might drag on.  I don't think I can handle for it to happen naturally.   I am trying to minimize the heartache.

I have an appointment with my Napro Dr. in two weeks to review the cycle long hormonal profile that we never looked at because of the surprise pregnancy. 

The two weeks with my baby was joyful and I am thankful for it. 

Sad

I had the ultrasound today and no change.   Actually it is worse than last week.   Baby is still measuring 6 wk 1d, and they couldn't measure the heart rate.   I am 8wk and 1 day today.

I won't hear from my Dr. until tomorrow morning.  I have to do the POI tonight but I don't want to, what is the point, it is just going to delay the miscarriage. 

I had to go for a progesterone draw after the ultrasound.  I don't think it is necessary but I did it anyways.

While I was at LabCorp with my DH I just wanted to run out.  I felt a panic attack coming on, just the realization that my baby is slowly fading away and it will soon be over was too much.   I just breathed through it and let the panic pass.

Thank you for your prayers.

Waiting

There is really not much happening on my end.  At this point it is all a waiting game.  I will have an ultrasound on Thursday which should make it a week from last. 

I still feel pregnant.  Nausea, back pain and feeling tired usually after lunch.   The waiting is killing me.  My thoughts are all over the place.  Last week I broke down and sobbed to my husband.   He is too calm, sometimes it comes across as insensitive.   He said he is not worried yet and he hasn't lost hope that things are Ok.   So I am hanging to that hope but Dr. G.oogle doesn't help.  At times when the pregnancy symptoms come on strong I trust that all will be OK but those are short lived.  

This morning I walk up to cramps and I did the usual wipe and look.  There was a hint of red but nothing else.  The cramps have subsided but I am nervous.   Last week prior to the ultrasound I was care free.  Just enjoying being pregnant and full of joy which now has been replaced by constant worry. 

I had a party to go to for a family friend on Sat but decided not to go.  Why because I don't have any pants that fit me and I am not going to take out my maternity pants.   I am already wearing them at home.  In addition added to the usual abdominal blot I already look like 3 month pregnant.  I don't want people to ask me if I am pregnant; I am not ready to tell people at this point.  So I guess you can say I am in hiding. 

Keeping myself busy until Thursday arrives.   

It gets worse

I called for the results of the ultrasound.  In addition to the heartbeat being low it is measuring at 6wks 2days.  I am 7 wk.  Not looking good at all.

I walk up around 4 am this morning and since then I have had mild cramps and lower back pain.

I am losing hope.

I am numb.  I don't know what to think.

People around me are not reacting like me.  My husband is too calm, I just told him the result and he just nodded.  I am pissed at him.  Really pissed.

I was told the Dr. will call me back once he sees the result. 

FHB

I had an ultrasound this afternoon at 7 wk 1 day.   The instruction on the order from the Dr. said "hold and call".  So I spent like what felt like eternity on that stupid table and the tech kept very quite through out the whole thing and I knew something was wrong.    After it was all over she asked us to wait while she makes the call to the Dr.  I glanced at the screen and the heartbeat is at 95 and my heart stopped.

She came back after about 15 min and said she faxed the result but couldn't get hold of the dr.  I knew this already, it was after 4 pm.  Any how she said she is not allowed to discuss the result but said the heartbeat was low and to contact the Dr.

Wow, I don't know what to feel right now.  I have no bleeding and no signs of anything being wrong.  However coupled with the low progesterone this result is alarming.  

I panicked while we were waiting for the tech but quickly calmed myself.  I can't do anything but wait.   I am going to hung on to hope and make it through the night. 

Please pray for the tiny being inside me. 

Welcome POI

My progesterone level from last week came back at 9.5.   The first test was at 20.5, I know too good to be true.    Over the two weeks I was thinking on how it was possible for my body to have recovered and started producing enough Progesterone.  I was happy but couscous.     I am waiting for the Pharmacy to send me the shots so I can start as soon as possible.  Oh well, the short happy ride is over I guess and welcoming sore bottoms but that is a small price to pay. 

I wonder if stopping the HC has something to do with the drop in progesterone,  I was only taking 5 mg/day so I don't think that will have a huge impact but it is possible that some of the progesterone being produced is converting to cortisol.

I am also going to repeat the ultrasound tomorrow so they can measure the heart beat.  I would have preferred to do it next week but the doctor insisted I do it this week.  I am a little scared and  I hate internal ultrasounds. 

I am also starting to feel nauseous.  Today I have been feeling it the whole day.  By the end of the day I am usually exhausted and my lower back is killing me.  I will have to do some exercise daily to deal with the lower back issue.  I think changing our mattress to something less cushiony might help too.  We shall see.

Quick Takes

1.  I had my first ultrasound yesterday.  Baby is measuring 6 wk 1day.  All looks good.  I saw the heart beat but they couldn't measure it.  I am suppose to go back in two weeks.    I had another blood draw for a progesterone test, will get that back on Monday.   Hopefully it is rising.   Trying to avoid the progesterone injections.

2.  We have all been sick around here.  I went out with my old coworkers for lunch last week.  I took MH with me.  The next day she came down with a cold and had a low grade fever.  I had dinner and play date planned with my friend but I had to cancel.  Didn't want to get her kids sick.  She has enough of that from daycare.    Two days after I got the same cold.  I haven't gotten a cold in so long, being pregnant I guess I am susceptible.   DH came down with something a couple of days ago, his seems some kind of stomach bug and he had a fever.  He just started to feel a little better today.  So I have been busy this week trying to take care of everyone else.  My Mom is ok,  as soon as MH came down with the cold she started drinking tea with garlic and ginger.   Nasty stuff I tell you anything to fend off the virus.   I couldn't stomach the garlic so I have been seeping on ginger tea.

3.  My pain level has been going down gradually and now I only have lower back pain, the side pains are disappearing.  I love pregnancy.  I am also doing better emotionally.  Again I love pregnancy.   I am tired than usual but heck I am almost pain free so who cares.

4.  I have been thinking about returning to work a lot this week.  As soon as I start feeling better I am now thinking how and when I should be back.  Then I calm myself down and remind my self to take it one day at a time.  Right now, I am going to focus on the pregnancy and home.   Part of it is we have had  a few unexpected expenses the last few weeks and we had to spend some of our saving.  This is the first time we had to do this since I quit my job but the fact that DH is not teaching part time (2nd job) have me nervous.  We will not be able to save a dime, if anything we may have to spend more of our saving.  

5.  Now that I am feeling better, I can spend some time trying to update myself professionally.  I just lack the dedication but some how it has to come from somewhere. 

6.  Having my Mom with us has been a blessing.  She has been thinking of going back home for a few months and I am trying to arrange it so that she goes sooner than later.  I need her later in the pregnancy.  I am so spoiled. 

7.  Run out of things to say.  I am just so happy about this pregnancy.   Have a blessed weekend.