Looking back at the last 3 years of trying to have a baby I have not had one positive pregnancy. As much as I know how devastating it is to have a miscarriage at least if I had had a pregnancy of some sort that was not successful I would have some hope that my body is closer to being able to achieve what it naturally is meant to do. We are talking about 14 cycles a year (42 cycles in 3 years), about 9 cycles where we weren't trying due to surgery, sickness etc. We have been trying for 33 cycles which resulted in nothing. This is actually very depressing.
My initially HSG test showed that I had one open tube. I then had surgery in 2008 and tried and tried. While I was using the progesterone cream last year I had actually had a better Luteal Phase than 6-11 days I am experiencing recently. We can blame the Endo for non pregnancy but some people with Endo do get pregnant. So in some sense my cycles have become worse.
I am on CD27 (P + 9) which is a first for me since I ovulated late at CD18. Even though I haven't seen any spotting yet I know AF is around the corner. It feels like I have a small animal in my utreus moving around, pinching & stabbing. My lower back is killing me too.
I don't mean to be all negative but I need a dose of reality so I am not a basket case each time AF arrives. Before I hope for any pregnancy I am going to wait for the following
1. A longer Luteal Phase with no spotting
2. An ultrasound series to check for evidence of ovulation
3. Ovulation around day 14
3. DH to get his guys checked since he had not so positive result when we started to TTC.
4. Stop cramping a week before AF arrives.
Unless the above have been met I am not going to get my hopes up. I will pray for others but will not be asking God to give me a child, some how I have always had difficulties including this in my prayer. Instead I will pray for patience and health. I know my Mom and other family members are praying for me. My mother has been having people send her Holy water from our home country. Hoping that prayers will be answered.
*hugs* I try to convince myself to "not hope" all the time. And no matter how hard I try, I just can't help myself. I know what you're saying about m/c... I've had m/c before, and it is AWFUL. I can't even say how awful it is. But, you're right, it does give you a little hope as well in the IF world. My doctors say that for me, it would be a miracle to get pregnant and an even bigger miracle to stay pregnant. So getting pregnant is half the battle, and means something to me even when I lose the second half. There are times when I don't have the heart to pray for myself anymore and I think that God understands. At those times I just pray for His will to be done. Like my sister always says, "God only has 3 answers to prayer: Yes, Not Yet, and I have something even better in mind." Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. 3 years without anything to show for it is a long time. We've been trying for half of that, and I already find it frustrating and discouraging. Hang in there. I hope pregnancy will happen for you, and soon.
ReplyDeleteAwe dear, I too am sorry. I also, like Conceptionally Challenged, have been trying for about half that. I will keep praying for you. I just said a prayer for you after reading this. Hugs
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