Sad Times

I know I started this blog only a few month ago but I am taking a break from IF world. My heart is heavy, achy and trying to figure out the whys of this world. I have a very close family member who is terminally ill. The last few weeks I have been spending a lot of time at the hospital. Life is not fair. On Xmas day I sit at home and cry, the grief is just too heavy there are no words to describe it.
But this is life, there are good times and bad times.

Merry Xmas & Happy New Year to everyone!

Thanksgiving

I have so many things to be Thankful for this year even though we are going through a lot. I took Wednesday off to make the break a little longer. We spent Thanksgiving at my Sister's house. Most immediate family members live close by which is a blessing. It was a relaxing day filled with lots of feeding, laughter & tears for the ones who couldn't make it because of illnesses.

My DH and I talked a little bit on our infertility journey. We both agreed that I would need to feel better and we should just put a hold on trying to get pregnant. The focus will be in getting me to feel better physically and emotionally. I am looking at different options of treatments, most of all figuring out the hormonal issues which is just causing a havoc on my emotionally well being.

On the cycle front I am already spotting (cd20), this short cycles are driving me crazy.

Incesant Ovulation

This past weekend I picked up a book "What the Dog S.aw" by M.al.colm Gl.adwell and it has an interesting story about women's ovulation changes over the century. In the pre-industrial era women menstruated less than the modern women due to late onset of puberty and high number of child birth and breastfeeding. It indicates that on average over a life time preindsturial women ovulated 100 times compared to 400 times for women now. For an evolutionary point of view the book raises the effect of increased number of ovulation/menses on women's health. I though this was interesting.

Since I have a 23-25 day cycle and with no pregnancy to show for I am sure my number will be way over 400 times by the time menopause comes around :)

I hate Endo

This morning I walk up and thought it was a work day. The realization of it being Saturday just made my day. Since endo has been in my life sometimes when I wake up I have this dreading feeling. I like my job but the endo makes it so hard to function fully that I dread going to work or anywhere for that matter.

Today is cd7 and I had a little bit of CM but OPK is negative. Temp. dropped a little bit. Overall I am in pain, bloating, leg cramps, lower back pain..all the good things associated with endo. It seems that the new formulation of progesterone cream has been helping with my mood; I don't feel as bad as last month. However, the endo pain makes me think whether it is sensible to try for a baby. In the current state I am in I don't think I will be able to cope with a baby. I am having difficult in coping with day to day challenges how can I be able to raise a child? Then I think of the possibility that pregnancy could help the endo symptoms and that gives me hope.

My DH rarely talks about infertility. The other day he said he will be OK with not being able to have kids. I don't buy that, I say it hasn't hit him yet. He is so good with kids that it hurts to think that there is a possibility that he may not be a father.

Plan for the cycle

Cd4 and I am already feeling the endo pain creeping up. This cycle I started taking grape seed extract and prenatal vitamins. I took the vitamins after lunch today and by 4pm I was starving. Usually I don't feel hungry until 6pm.
I had planned to do an ultrasound at cd6 but I don't think it will be that useful. I know the ovarian cysts still exist, I can feel it. Plus it is too late to get an appointment for Friday. Will see how it goes for a few month.

Cycle

Today is Cd 1. I expected AF to show up yesterday and when the spotting tapered off by late afternoon and there was nothing over night I again thought of pregnancy. But this morning my temp dropped and I knew there was no chance and by afternoon my best friend AF is here. I have mild cramps, it is uncomfortable but since I am home I haven’t taken any pain medication. I was just thinking about the roller coaster ride of my cycle. For the most part I am sick for most of the days. I was looking at my BBT chart notes and observed the following
1. Cd 1-3, AF, cramps could be severe to mild. Headache, backache
2. Anxious feelings and mood swings pre-ovulatory, CD6-10
3. Ovulation pain cd 7-11
4. PMS Cd 20-25, cramps, headaches, backache, dizziness
5. Back to cd 1
Just LOVELY. This is looking at the last four month of my cycle. Last cycle was hard because I was sick to some extent almost every day before and after ovulation.
Talked to DH’s sister today, lives in another country, and she brought up the baby thing and I told her nothing yet. I am so tired of that question.
So for this cycle I will start the progesterone starting from Cd4 and see how it goes. I think the new formulation of Progesterone is helping my moods.

2ww Over

The 2ww is over. Today is Cd22 and I am spotting :(. The last couple of days I have been having the usual PMS symptoms plus very sore boobs. I actually thought I could be pregnant since I usually don’t have sore boobs. Driving home I was tempted to stop by and get HPT tests but stopped myself. I have a rule, no testing unless 15 days post ovulation. However I got home to find that I have started spotting. I am not too crashed about it since I didn’t expected to this cycle but I am mad at myself for having the thought of pregnancy this early. When we first started trying I tested for a couple of cycles but it was too hard to see no line so I vowed that I will not test any more unless I miss my period by a few days. My post ovulation temp is at 99.1 this morning and has been this high since ovulation, very new for me since prior to progesterone cream I barley hit 98 so at least that is a positive.

Progesterone cream plus

The new formulation of progesterone cream came in today. It has other things added to it. The formulation includes DIM concentrate T14, GABA, DHEA, Pregnenolone. The DIM and GABA are what is different about the new formulation. It is suppose to help my mood. I have been on Progesterone cream for the last four months and it has the following effect on my cycles.
1. BBT elevated temp. as expected
2. Early ovulation, 2-3days earlier than normal. Cycle shorter by 2/3 days. No effect on Luteal phase which is 10-12 days with spotting
3. Some calming effect but not entirely sure since I am struggling this cycle.

I am not good with following Drs. orders. I was told to take DHEA and prenatal vitamins but have not started yet. I was on prenatal vitamins for a year on and off but my stomach feels weird after a few hours of taking it.

Today has been a better day compared to the last couple of days. I still have lower back pain but the headache is faint. I will start the new cream right away, I am on cd17.

On a separate note I haven't had bread in the last six month (gluten free diet) and craving it. This weekend I want to experiment with some of the gluten free bread recipes I found on line.

RG

Puzzling

Today was another tough day. Lower back pain and foggy brain. Light numbing headache. I do not know what sets on these symptoms. Usually I am OK after ovulation but not this cycle. I haven't felt this bad since at least four month ago. Like I said I don't know what to do about it. At work I keep on going as if all is good but physical and emotionally I am hurting a lot. If I walk around for a few mintues I will have to come back to my desk and stretch out my back.

Today is P+5 and for a few seconds I tried to associate these feelings with early pregnancy sympotms. How silly and messed up this IF makes me. We only tried once this cycle and I know the chance is very slim but here I dream that this horrible pain and feelings I have is may be due to pregnancy.

For now I just want to feel OK, no headaches, no back pains, no funny stomach issues. Just need to be feeling better so I can go on with my life.

RG

Tough Monday

It usually takes me minutes to fall asleep but yesterday it was different. It didn't take me too long but I felt uneasy before going to bed. This morning I walk up and I had one of those foggy headaches and getting up was difficult. Driving to work was painful. When I have this fogginess and numb headaches my eye sight is also affected. I have floaters (hair like and dots) in my eye and during this headaches it gets worse. I had stopped driving on the beltway since I have had a few unexpected jabbing pains while driving and the fogginess doesn't help so I take the local road. All day I had this headache and anxious feeling that wouldn't go away even after I had taken A.d.vil. But I made it through the day. It seems like after a couple of hours of break after work the fogginess has lifted a bit. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I don't know how long I can go on functioning as if all is ok with this kind of days. It is just too painful.

I called the pharmacy to ship the second formulation of Progesterone cream that the Dr has ordered. She said she will add a few things to the cream that should help with the fogginess and mood swings. It should be here in two days, I can't wait.

RG

Early Ovulation

Sunday flew by so quickly I didn't have time to relax. I spent the day cooking and visited family.

Ovulation is early this cycle too even though I didn't use the progesterone cream before ovulation. My Dr. had prescribed Progesterone cream from CD4 until my period however it seem like this has caused me to ovulate 3 days earlier the last two cycles. So for this cycle I only started using it after ovulation, but still ovulated two days earlier than usual. It seem like this cycle is a waste, we only tried once since DH has a cold. So the 2ww wait is officially on but I am not expecting anything, it is nice to take time off.

I had a few anxious moments today but not anything big. I hate feeling this way.

RG

My Story

This is my first post and I don’t know where to start. After reading so many helpful blogs on endometriosis and infertility I thought I would share my experience. Before my diagnosis I had never heard of endometriosis. I have always been in pain related to my cycle which gradually got worse. I think for me it was triggered by the stress of moving to another country when in High school. I always had painful periods and which I thought was normally for some people.

In my early 20s I saw a Dr. for anxiety attacks. I went through college with a lot of emotional and physical turmoil. I was always tired, foggy, hungry and anemic. I tried to get help but no Dr. could tell me what was wrong. The pain started getting worse in my 30s and I landed in the emergency room after I had an attack, I truly though I was having a heart attack. For as long as I remember I always sat a certain way where I had to press down my right leg continuously which made the endo pain a little less. I had a laparoscopy surgery a year ago where they removed most of the endo around one of my ovaries and also polyps in my uterus. I also had chocolate cysts. Although the surgery helped some within a few months all the pain was back. My RE thinks it is scar tissue but I feel like the endo is back. However after going on a gluten free diet for the last few month I am feeling much better and the pain has been somewhat manageable.
There were times earlier this year that I thought holding a job was becoming impossible. I am still struggling with foggy brain, headaches, anxiety attacks, and pain around ovulation. I do not want to go through another surgery; I feel that this would not be an answer for me. I have been seeing a Naturopath Dr and waiting to see if this will solve some of my issues. We have been TTC for almost 2 years with no luck and it sucks big time.

RG