Random Thoughts

1. I decided that during the Xmas break I will not be shying away from sugar, chocolate and caffeine. So I have been eating chocolate constantly, enjoying cozy tea with sugar or honey at least two times a day. I have also had the occasional latte and hot chocolate. My stomach is a little annoyed with me. However I have not touched gluten even though the temptation was there constantly. I came close to eating a ginger bread cookie that my little nephew saved for me Xmas night and I soon as he saw me he said he has been saving the cookie for me all day :), so sweet.
Since I am still having Endo like pain especially pre ovulatory that I will need to change my diet further and see if it will help. I feel like I am having some kind of inflammation since my joints on my shoulder and also lower back (hip joints) are painful to the touch. I will be cutting out diary and red meat. As much as I like meat I think I am having too much of it. If I don't have at least one meal that includes meat in a day I feel like I haven't eaten. This will be replaced with lots of beans, chicken, fish and veggies.

2. On Xmas day we had lunch with DH extended family. His cousin who had a baby two month ago was there with her little one. She is breastfeeding and also pumping since she has too much milk and at some point she went in to the dining room to pump. We were getting ready to go so while we were saying good byes she heard us and said to come in. She was pumping right in front of my husband and one of her male cousin. She doesn't blink about taking a boob out to feed her child in front of everyone either. Having lived in the US for the last 15 plus years I have become an American and got a little uncomfortable, not because she was doing it in front of me but in front of men. Having grown up in a third world country this would have been nothing, it wouldn't have even crossed my mind. It is the norm for woman to breastfeed their babies in public, of course they are discreet about it not showing too much etc. I am amazed by people here having issues with women breastfeeding their baby in public. What is more natural than a woman breastfeeding her child? It is Ok for teenagers to walk around with half the boob out and tong showing but some people take offense in a woman breastfeeding in public. How sad.

3. I made a list of things I needed to accomplish during the break. Just a few things like updating my resume, making Dr. and dentist appointments etc. A few years ago I had braces and once they were off I wore my retainers for 6 month and stopped. Endo pain kicked in and the retainers made my migraine worse. The top retainer also needed to be changed and I never went back. I have been dealing with IF and Endo pain that I didn't have the time or the will to address this so I was suppose to go back to the orthodontist and get another set of retainer. My teeth have already started moving and I can see that within a couple of years it will go back to the pre-braces shape :(, what a waist of the 5K I paid. So nothing on my list got done and I have three days left. I was also planning to spend a day catching up with work but I don't feel like it. Being the time of year for performance reviews I will have to write four of them when I get back along with countless other things I have to do. So my plan it to at least update my resume and deal with the work stuff next week.

4. I had made an appointment to see the Thyroid Dr. next week which needs to be changed. You see I haven't been following the Dr's order fully. She had told me to double my vitamin B, Selenium and B12 intake but I haven't done so. In addition I have not taken a singe iron pill since I saw her last so there is no point in my repeating the blood test and going back to her next week. I will have to extend the appointment and try to double the dosage.

5. On TTC front I have a fear of regretting that I haven't done enough to help my body heal and be ready to conceive. If at the end of this road there is no baby I do not want to have regrets that I haven't done this and that to make my self health. I don't know what else I can do at this point but leave it in God's hands.

Merry Christmas!

Hoping that everyone had a wonderful Christmas. I have been off work for more than a week and enjoying it. It is nice to spend time with family. I visited my uncles, my cousins came over for a day and we also visited some of DH relatives.

Part of Christmas day was spent with DH family and we went to my brothers for dinner. We spent two afternoons at the mall buying gifts for my nieces & nephews. My DH hates going to the mall but somehow he didn't complain too much. It is funny how things turn out. When we were dating I would drag him to the mall and he did not seem to mind it. He was calm, let me look around and window shop. Now it is a different story, as soon as I say we need to go to the mall he asks what specific items I am planning to buy so he can stop me from looking at other things that I will not be buying :).

On cycle news nothing much exciting. As usually my pre-ovulatory phase is filled with more anxiety and butt/back pain. Today I went to my weekly acupuncture/massage session and Oh man I was in pain. I still can't comprehend why I have pain around my lower back and right below it and and my butt/sides. I am talking about pain that radiates to the leg at times. My muscles are in knots around there. There is nothing more embarrassing than having your butt massaged but that is the only way I can get some relief. The lady that does it is nice and makes me feel comfortable, it is not pleasant at all but it does give me some relief.

In addition, the hormonal shift that takes place right after my period is messing with me. As far as the migraine headache and fogginess goes that is a lot better. I still get a faint headache but I seem to wake up with the dreaded/anxious depressing feeling and this goes away after ovulation. As far as my hormones Dr. S said all is fine pre-ovulatory so I don't understand what could be causing it.

We have been asked by total strangers and DH relatives when we are having kids. Today we managed to drop by a store to get one of our wedding pics framed and the cashier asked as how long we have been married and where the children are :(. One of DH relative has five kids and his wife was saying how she wanted a sixth one and her husband said she has to wait and give other people a chance. I told him he will be waiting a long time.

Happy New Year to everyone, may your wishes come through for 2011.

BFN

I broke down and tested. BFN :(. I can drink wine tonight and celebrate my 13/14 day Luteal Phase with no spotting. I do not have to put the progesterone pill in my you know what tonight.

Don't you hate the C.learbl.ue digital HPT tests. They are good when you are PG but when you are not there is no guessing game weather there is a line or not, it spits out "not Pregnant". I hate that test :). Oh well, moving on.

No Spotting

Today is P+13 and I have no spotting and no hint of blood. How cool is this, I am so happy that my Luteal Phase has improved. Last cycle I started spotting on P+6 so this is a huge improvement and I am over the moon. I have been cramping off and on for the last six days so AF is around the corner but that is fine. One step at a time. However I may break down and test if AF doesn't arrive by tomorrow.

I am off work until the New Year which is great. I haven't bought a single gift except some chocolate for my co-workers so a day next week will be spent at the mall. We are planning to go early in the morning so we can avoid the crowd.

I have a cold that got worse overnight. I have a Xmas party to attend tonight but have no energy to wash my hair and make my self ready for a party so I won't be going. DH is also off work so we are taking it easy.

A Dose of Reality

Looking back at the last 3 years of trying to have a baby I have not had one positive pregnancy. As much as I know how devastating it is to have a miscarriage at least if I had had a pregnancy of some sort that was not successful I would have some hope that my body is closer to being able to achieve what it naturally is meant to do. We are talking about 14 cycles a year (42 cycles in 3 years), about 9 cycles where we weren't trying due to surgery, sickness etc. We have been trying for 33 cycles which resulted in nothing. This is actually very depressing.

My initially HSG test showed that I had one open tube. I then had surgery in 2008 and tried and tried. While I was using the progesterone cream last year I had actually had a better Luteal Phase than 6-11 days I am experiencing recently. We can blame the Endo for non pregnancy but some people with Endo do get pregnant. So in some sense my cycles have become worse.

I am on CD27 (P + 9) which is a first for me since I ovulated late at CD18. Even though I haven't seen any spotting yet I know AF is around the corner. It feels like I have a small animal in my utreus moving around, pinching & stabbing. My lower back is killing me too.

I don't mean to be all negative but I need a dose of reality so I am not a basket case each time AF arrives. Before I hope for any pregnancy I am going to wait for the following

1. A longer Luteal Phase with no spotting
2. An ultrasound series to check for evidence of ovulation
3. Ovulation around day 14
3. DH to get his guys checked since he had not so positive result when we started to TTC.
4. Stop cramping a week before AF arrives.

Unless the above have been met I am not going to get my hopes up. I will pray for others but will not be asking God to give me a child, some how I have always had difficulties including this in my prayer. Instead I will pray for patience and health. I know my Mom and other family members are praying for me. My mother has been having people send her Holy water from our home country. Hoping that prayers will be answered.

Cycle Update

Work has been crazy this week and I am not enjoying the stressed out people around me either. But a much needed two weeks time off is coming up. We decided to not go any where and just pretend we are tourist around here. We will be eating out and just strolling around town a lot. It would have been nice to go some where warmer but since we are saving for a house thought it would be wise to not spend too much.
In addition my lower back has been hurting a lot and I am still having a lot of anxiety issues.

On cycle news I ovulated on CD18/19 which is the first for me. I am on P + 5 today and praying that no spotting shows up this cycle. It seem like a lot is going on in there because I get weird dull pain, cramps, side pain, and stabbing pain in my breast. As much as I don't want to think about it I think the Endo has showed up again.

On the positive note I haven't had a headache in the last two weeks so that is good. Migraine headaches are gone, energy is good but if only I have control of my mood.

We usually spend Xmas at my brothers house so looking forward to it. I enjoy the excitement of all the kids waiting for their gifts. The adults don't give each other gifts which is a very smart thing to do because we are just too many. I usually give to my parents as my Dad gets very excited like a kid :).

My Ovaries Are Shotting Eggs

HOLY COW I am in pain. Finally some CM showed up a few days ago and today my ovaries are aching and I feel pinches, dull pain and lower back pain. My stomach is all sensitive and this just remindes me of the pre-surgery days. To add to it I feel edgy and just hormonal. Please Please God let this not be Endo pain.
I am going to be positive and think of this as being a strong ovulation and nothing more. But I need this headach and hormonal state to be gone. This roller coster doesnot stop.