No Title :)

Waring TMI :)

So CD1 was on Sunday. I had the mild cramps and light bleeding. The next day very little bleeding. Usually CD2 is mid-heavy bleeding for me. I actually went to buy pads on CD2 morning which I ended up not needing. Most likely I may have not ovulated this past cycle since I saw fertile CM for only three days and by day 11 it has disappeared. I guess I will have to go back using OPK just to see what my next few cycles will do. I was excited that I ovulated on day 13/14for the last couple of month but this month cycle was short.

Any how have any of you noticed that during your period you see bits of dark tissue, not dark blood or clot but dark small slipper tissue like a scar is coming off? I have noticed it multiple times since my first surgery. This worries me, could my uterus be full of scars. I have had polyps removed during my first surgery but Dr. S found nothing during the second surgery.

I have a follow up appointment with Dr. S on Monday to go over the cycle long hormonal profile. He also tested thyroid and will suggest T.3 I am sure but I am already taking it. I also want to do an ultrasound serious to determine weather I am actually ovulating.

Recently I have been thinking a lot more about our TTC journey. I have never been pregnant except may be once where my period was late a few days and I passed one giant clot. When I say giant I mean as big as my fist. That day I was so tired I slept for 13 hours straight. I get the feeling it might have been a very early miscarriage. Besides that no pregnancy to speak of. I have a number of things that need fixing

1. Short cycles
2. Spotting prior to AF
3. Continuous CM, checked for infection that came up negative
4. Multiple vitamin & mineral deficiencies
5. Hormonal issues: low thyroid, progesterone and god knows what else
6. Endo and possiblly cysts

Each have to be treated before we can conceive a baby. However the fixing has to happen fast. Being in my mid 30s I am not getting younger and things will probably get worse with age. So while Dr. S deals with the hormonal aspect I am trying to figure out weather I should get my immune system checked. DH also needs to get his guys checked. When we first went to an RE and he did an SA for DH twice both times the motility was low. However a few month later he was checked by another Dr. again and all came back normal. I have a feeling that there might be a mild issue there. It took 8 years for DH MOM to concieve him, since those where the good old days we don't know if the issue was his Mom or Dad.

I am going to give a year for treatment and if nothing happens then that is it. We will have to call it quits.

Snappy

Today is CD1. The cramps are mild so I am not complaining too much. When I am on my period I have no desire to go anywhere. I just want to take it easy at home, cuddle with a heating pad and watch TV or read.

Yesterday evening DH and I went to visit a relative at a hospital. On the way home I suggested we pick up dinner from a new restaurant my sister suggested and DH didn't want to go. He is not in to new places so I gave him a choice to pick a restaurant. Anyhow in the process I was a little pissed and snapped because he doesn't have any suggestion but said he doesn't want to go to this place. Any how I told him to forget it and we went home. He accused me of being snappy this week and hasn't appreciated my interaction with my sister on an argument I had with her earlier this week. I was accused of being disrespectful and snappy because I said "What the hell..." to him :). I have noticed this past week my fuse has been short but it is not like he is a saint either.

Today I made spaghetti squash for lunch and DH didn't want to touch it and I got pissed but didn't say anything. The least he can do is taste it. He just left to go to the bookstore for coffee and I nicely turned down the offer since I am in no mood to be in public, sitting on a chair. I rather be peacfully alone, horzontal with my hot tea in hand and my heating pad.

Aggravating PMS

Last Friday I walk up with a pressure headache and just brushed it off and went to work. I could barely concentrate at work the first hour or so. I was anxious and edgy and didn't understand what could have triggered this. I have anxiety issues as I have said before which appear from no where sometimes. So Friday night DH wanted to go out to dinner and I was reluctant but said Ok. I was already hungry on top of the headache and anxiety. Any how I had a huge panic attack in the restaurant and just wanted to dye right there. It was the most terrible feeling ever. Usually I would sit and let it pass but this time I just couldn't breath. At that point we already have ordered our food and waiting. I told DH that I don't feel well and I will wait for him in the car and stormed off. I felt so bad but I just couldn't help it. I walked around while DH waited for the food. Once we got home all was fine.

Today the same thing, I managed the weekend pretty well except for some fatigue. I had a relaxing massage and acupuncture session on Saturday. When I walk up this morning I had a faint headache some IBS symptoms and I was also hungry. I took my T.3 Med and drove to work but my eye sight was blurrier than usual and I had the same pressure headache. I left work as soon as I got in and went home. I don't know how to deal with this overwhelming feeling. It also sometimes happens when I am in a large meeting, movie theatres etc.. Recently I try to avoid big meetings at work but avoiding it is not going to help. I don't know how to deal with this issue. It is usually at its worse right after and before AF. It is part of the PMS package that gets delivered at my door step on a monthly bases. I thought the vitamins, T.3 are helping me deal with this better but doesn't look like it. What is bad is this experience is new all the time and I don't learn from the last one. It just catches me off guard. I do not want to be on medication for this. I just need to learn how to deal with it but if I haven't figured it out the last 15 plus years so when and how do I learn coping mechanism? It hasn't been this bad before but now seem to be more often and more intense.

This afternoon I am feeling some cramps so AF is definitely on her way. The cramps have also been starting earlier the last couple of month. Today is only CD19. I can't wait for Menopause to hit and take me out of this misery. I am sure it will bring its own issues but I have had enough of this one.

Cycle Update Plus

Today is CD12 and for the last couple of cycles I have managed to ovulate CD13/14 and had fertile CM for about 6 days on average. This cycle I saw fertile CM for three days until Sat and bam it was all gone. On Sat I went to my regular session of therapy (massage & acupuncture). Usually the treatments are geared to relieve pain but I asked the acupuncturist to focus on fertility. By Sunday all of the CM was gone. Interesting, could the acupuncture treatment be the cause? Just puzzled.
Its been 3 month since my surgery and I am getting a little anxious about TTC. I don't want to wait any longer on the fear of the Endometriosis returning and clogging my tubes and God knows what else. But I also know that hormonally my body is not ready and I should wait until I see Dr. S. in November. I can not wait for months for treatment follow ups so I am going to push Dr. S to be a little aggressive. Since I went to Dr. S when I was in pain I had told him that my primary focus was to relieve the pain but now that the pain is manageable we will have to focus on fertility.
During the last 2.5 years of trying I have gone through a lot of emotions from anger, panic, frustration, desperation and total feeling of helplessness. Going through this moments have got me to where I am now. I am at peace the majority of the time. However, I think DH hasn't allowed himself to feel. He is the opposite of me and has a lot of patience and optimistic outlook. In his mind we haven't tried long enough and that it will happen. He avoids the emotional stresses some how and sometimes it is frustrating to me. Part of it is since I was a total mess at some point he wanted to be the stronger partner. I have minimized discussion of our infertility and I want him to bring it up when he is comfortable. Plus I think I am pretty much done talking about it. I have thought about Adaption in the long run if things don't work for us but DH is not even close to being ready for that discussion.

T3 therapy is helping me some. I still have moments of fatigue but the hypoglycemic symptoms are gone and I feel like i don't have to run to eat my lunch within a few hours of eating breakfast. it is so freeing not to be worried about eating every couple of hours.

Off the Couch

I have been told countless times by Drs and family members that I need to be physical active for my own good. For as long as I remember I have made countless exercise schedules since I was in my early 20s and have not been able to keep it up for more than 2-4 weeks. When I started the Gluten free diet I feared that I would fall off the wagon too. However, I have been pretty amazed on how well I have done in the last 1.5 years on GF diet. I have not given in to the temptation of bread and pastries not even once. Not only GF, I have given up most processed foods, caffeine and sugar with little difficulties. So why can't I stick to an exercise regime? I guess part of it is that I am always tired but I know this is not an excuse. However, during the years when I didn't know I had Endometriosis a 30 min work out will leave my back in such a state that I disliked going to the gym. My recent plan was to walk for 30 min every other day and I probably have done it may be 4 times in the last 2 months. For some reason there is always an excuse for why I can not get off the couch and start moving. Any one reading please suggest any ideas that helped you stick to a schedule. We are not talking about hard core exercise here since my body can not handle any strenuous work out at this point.