Don't know what to think

Update: I tested and got a BFN. I thought there was a good chance of it being positive. I have had regular cycles since 6wks postpartum. Oh well, I am bloated, crabby and I am sure the flooding will start soon :(
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I have been extremely busy with work for the last few months and it gets worse by the day. I am at work until 7 or 8 pm ever day. Its nice that I get to see my daughter at lunch time and that my mom is taking care of her. I wouldn't know what I would do if MH was going to day care and I had to do the picking up and dropping off. My husband teaches and his schedule is also busy where he has night classes a few days during the week. I am starting to not like my job, it has always been stressful to some degree but not what it is right now and I also don't like the new managment style. People in my group are extremely stressed and there is a lot of tension between people and the management style doesn't help. There are women with children working all day and going home and working after they put the kids to sleep. I don't want to become that woman. So I have been consumed with work and thoughts of how and what career moves I need to make. In addition, we are looking for a home and were ready to buy a few months ago but now I am having second thoughts on what we can afford. We were using both of our incomes to qualify for a home but I don't think that is such a smart thing to do. I want more kids but I don't see myself being a stay at home mother. I also don't see myself working full time if we have more kids. So I want something in the middle so would like to work part time if we grow our family. So we have been stalling on the house search since I am not sure what I want in the long run. Anyhow moving to the pressing issue...

Since I have been so busy I lost track of when my last period came so last Thursday I was extremely tired in the morning and I figured AF must be on her way. I started having cramps and since my period was unpredictable last month with a total of 10 days bleeding I imagined things to be messed up down there. So today I remembered that I blogged about it last month so checked the blog when my last period showed up and it was on Feb 4th. When I was counting I was assuming Feb 11th or so. Now 37 days later no period and I have been having cramps for a couple of days. Could I be pregnant is the question, I want to run out and get a pregnancy test but I feel exhausted and can't get myself together. I am going to have to force myself and go out to the store. The suspense is killing me. Will update soon.

Spoke Too Soon

Here is MH at 4.5 months. Isn't she the cutest thing ever :)

I think I spoke too soon when I blogged about my period the last time. Accompanied with minor cramps I had three days of it during my last cycle, so I thought but it returned a week later and lasted a full week with light bleeding. WTH, never had that before in my life. Although I am grateful that I am feeling emotionally better and that the cramps are almost nonexistent during and before my period, I am a little worried with all the bleeding. I have been anemic for years until my first surgery to remove the Endometriosis so I get a little anxious when I see too much blood. Now I am worried on what is going on inside me, what could be causing the extra bleeding, why did it stop and come back after a week? It also worries me that the road to another pregnancy might be a lot more difficult or impossible at worse. I am trying to have peace with it and enjoy my blessing.

Have I said before that I am really bad at keeping my house in order. My husband points this out once in a while. Our walk in closet is a disaster and it is all my fault. DH said he doesn't want to bring it up anymore because he doesn't want to appear as a nag. But recently the mess has migrated in to his side of the closet and he can't take it anymore :). So on Sunday I spent all day cooking and cleaning. I organized our closet and cleaned the whole house. On Monday morning I was a mess. I walk up feeling dizzy and achy. My back was killing me, apparently I cannot bend to mop the floors and clean my toilet. I felt so sick that I took a 4h nap. I felt better after the nap but this just lets me know how much I can do physically. Its good thing that I was off from work, I would have had to call in sick. I really need to do some kind of exercise to build up my strength but it just can't be strenuous exercise. So the plan is to walk ever day now that the weather is getting better.

Quick Takes

I have become a bad blogger. I admit that I have been lazy but life has also gotten busy with working and baby.

1. MH is 4.5 month old and is 12.5 lb. Small for her age but growing fine. She is such an easy baby as long as she eats. When she is sleepy I just throw her in her crib and she drifts off.

2. I am still breastfeeding. I pump once at lunch. I just can't stand the idea of pumping at work, there are 4 women sharing one pumping room and each pumps at least twice so you can imagine the traffic. She gets about 8-12 ounces of formula and the rest breast milk.

3. Since I have been on the progesterone life has gotten a lot better. I don't have the hormonal ups and downs. My periods have gotten a lot better too. AF showed up yesterday and I didn't know it, I had no glaring symptoms. No brown spotting or debilitating cramps. I felt some light cramps yesterday and by the evening AF has showed up. I don't recall the last time I had symptom free period. I have some faint cramps today and not bad enough to take a pain killer. I have come a long way from where I was just two month ago. I was so miserable hormonally after the baby and it was depressing me.

4. We put an offer for a new home and had a week if we want to back out. By the third day I was ready to back out of the deal so we did. I love the place; I am still not sure why I am having such a hard time making a decision. It is above our price range and a few things I didn't like but overall it had more than we want in a house. This is not something I can sleep on since we had to let the developer know within a few days without losing our deposit. So since I am not sure I have decided to just let it go even if it is painful. Can you tell that I am terrified of being in debt for 30 years? My husband is irritated with my indecisive nature, I don't blame him. I am irritated with myself too :)

5. Dr. S, my Napro Dr. is retiring so I am a little sad. I have decided that we will not actively try for another baby until the summer. I will be seeing the Dr in the same office in the spring to get a base line of my hormones and see if I need to be on the same meds as before. I am in my late 30s so I can't afford to wait any longer.

Quick Takes

1. We spent Christmas with DH's cousins. We have been going there ever year. I remember last year’s celebration where one of DH cousin brought her 2 month old baby to the party and how it stung to be childless year after year. So this year’s Christmas was emotionally for me. It was such a happy moment but also sad. Everyone dotted around baby MH and all the kids wanted to kiss her and she was the center of attention. However, the hosts of the party are infertile and have been trying for 10 years. All I can think of was what they’re going through. On the way back home I cried in the car just overwhelmed with sadness, I know all too well what she must be going through.

2. I am enjoying breastfeeding and gratefully that it finally worked. I figured out why baby MH suddenly started breastfeeding. I have given her the breast at least once or twice a day when she is not too hungry but she will nibble and spit it out because there were not much milk coming out and she didn't want to work at it. About three weeks ago I went to my doctor to ask for HC since I was feeling so down and anxious but my doctor suggested trying taking progesterone orally. The week I started the progesterone is when she started breastfeeding successfully. The progesterone helped a lot with my constant state of anxiety and I felt immediate relive. I guess this had an effect on the let down response. I went back to work a week ago so I still have to pump but it is so nice to breastfeed and I do it every chance I get. She loves it and I love looking down at her precious face. It has been such a bonding experience.

3. Going back to work was hard the first few days. I work close by so I come home to feed her/pump so it is not so bad. Plus my mother is taking care of her so I know she is in safe hands.
I wouldn't have minded staying another month or two with my baby especially since she now is breastfeeding but this will not be feasible unless I quit my job. In this economy getting a new job is not a guarantee so I have come to accept it and enjoy what I have.

4. We have been looking for a house and have not found anything we liked. We are very limited on location and there are not many houses on the market. Hopefully we will find something before the summer. We live on a 2nd floor apt and it is not very kid friendly.

5. I am praying for all of you who are still waiting, my heart aches for you. I hope and pray that 2012 it the year.

Liebster Award & life updates

Sorry I have been missing. My computer is acting up. A couple of times I started writing a post and it shuts on me or freezes. I am attempting again and will see if I actually be able to post.

The lovely lady at Ask and It will be Given has awarded me the Liebster Award. This is my first blog award ever so I am excited. Thank You.

The Liebster Award spotlights up and coming bloggers who generally have less than 200 followers. In return for the award, the recipient bestows the award on five of their favorite bloggers.


I would like to pass on the Liebster Blog Award to the following bloggers. If you haven't read their blogs, please check them out.

1. Fruit Snacks and Freezer Jam. I love reading Coco's blog, she is honest and funny. She just had her 2nd kid after suffering with secondary infertility.

2. This Cross I Embrace. Most of you know TCIE. She has been struggling with infertility for years. I love her honesty.

3. Life from Inside the Wheelbarrow. When I started searching the internet for info on Naprotechnology and NFP her blog was most informative. I have been reading ever since.

4. Sew Hormonal: Most of you know Sew the hormone Queen. I have been reading her blog for a while. She just announced her 2nd pregnancy and I am so excited for her.

5. A Child to Call me Mama. I have been following Rachel's blog for a while. She has the most adorable baby.

I don’t know how to link the addresses so you can click on the blog name to go to the page. The link on blogger is not cooperating with me. I don’t know if I am doing it right.

Upon receipt of the Liebster Blog Award, there are a few very simple rules:

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog or emailing them.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

Some of you have already recived the award from others.

Ok on to other things.........
1. I finally went to see my Doctor asking to test for my adrenal hormones and give me HC. Since during pregnancy all my anxiety and migraines went away she thinks progesterone will help me alleviate some of these symptoms. Since I am breastfeeding she didn't want me to take HC unless it is absolutely necessary so she wants to see how I do on the progesterone. Obviously progesterone is a precursor to cortsol so if taken orally the progesterone will help raise my cortsol level. This was two weeks ago and I have been taking 200 mg of it orally before bed and I felt better right away. The difference is night and day. My anxiety level dropped and my headaches are gone. I still have some symptoms but overall doing much better.

2. I am going back to work next week and I am ok with it. I am not stressing since my Mom will be taking care of baby MH. DH will also be home for a few weeks. My plan as far as breast milk is to pump in the morning before I leave, once at lunch at work and twice after I come home. I don't think I can pump more than once at work. I usually get about 20-25 ounces/day. About three weeks ago MH finally started breastfeeding. I usually give it to her when she is not very hungry and she will take it. She has successful been breastfeeding for a good week and we both are enjoying it. For the majority of the time she still gets pumped milk since I am going to go back to work but I am so pleased that finally breastfeeding is working out.

3. MH was baptized yesterday. We had to be at church at 6am for the christening. They start Sunday service at 7 am which lasts until 11am. There were about 6 babies that were baptized at the same time. We do not eat before going to church but I have issues and cannot last until 11 am without no food. I usually get very shaky and there is the possibility of passing out :) which I didn't want to risk so I ate at 5am in the morning. We had lunch with immediate family at our house after church. At first we thought we will have a big party but we live in an apt and there is no way we can accommodate over 60 people in our tiny apt so we decided to only invite my parents and siblings.

4. I have been envious of pregnant women. Seeing a bump just makes me feel all warm and long to get pregnant again. I know this is selfish, I just had a baby three month ago but the feeling is real. Any how we are not avoiding so there is a possiblity but the infertile me knows that I may not be able to get pregnant easily so for now I am going to do nothing and enjoy my gift. I will start charting since AF showed up twice already.

Just can't win this fight

After 3wks in the hospital my mom came home a couple of weeks ago and things are back to normal. She is a little tired but doing OK. In a way the 3wks I spent by myself with baby was a good test, from day one I had people around me and didn't know if I could handle being home alone with baby but all was fine.

Now to the issue that is bothering me a great deal. I have written about my anxiety issues here and we all know the role of endo, chronic pain, hormonal imbalance that is tied to anxiety. I have had anxiety issues since my late teens. Over the last couple of years it has increased due to chronic pain and messed up hormones as well as stress brought on by infertility. I was feeling better while on HC and thyroid meds and then I got pregnant and had to stop taking HC. Pregnancy is the greatest thing that happened for my health. I felt great with very minimal anxiety, had lots of energy and felt hormonally stable throughout my pregnancy. While pregnant I wondered if I am going to have these issues after giving birth.

Well flocks, all the feeling is back minus the stress of infertility and endo pain. It slowly came back after giving birth. I know this is not post partum depression because I am not depressed. I am just back to the usually self with added intensity. My anxiety is pretty much general, I have irrational fear about almost everything, social situation, fear over babies well being, fear over going crazy with irrational thoughts etc. The problem is once you have seen the light i.e. free of it during pregnancy to go back to the dreaded feeling is just painful and I don't know what to do. I haven't told anyone, not even my husband about this since for someone who hasn't experience it will be difficult to understand. I am trying to understand why these feelings are back and more intense. It could be enhanced by the lack of sleep although I am managing at least 7 hours of sleep a night for the last few weeks. I have a feeling that my hormones are all over the place. A few weeks ago I had some bleeding which I guess is the first menstrual cycle after giving birth. I had another bleeding episode two weeks after that felt like a period even though it was light. I am breast feeding (pumping) but seem like that hasn't kept my cycles away. I am on LDN and it doesn't seem to help much. I just want to enjoy this time with my baby and family. This is one of the happiest time in my life and the anxiety is getting in the way. It is hard to be happy when you are continuously anxious or have disturbing thoughts.

Anyone who has gone through this or is going through this how did you deal with it? Prayers and advice appreciated.

This & That

1. I terribly miss my mom. She is still in the hospital, recover has been slow but she is getting there. One worries a lot while spending all day with baby and no adult conversation to occupy the mind. I have been thinking a lot about my parents and how they have aged in the last few years. It is painful to think about the mortality of your parents. I have noticed that both are slower and sight, hearing and other things are getting weaker. My husband’s family are back home and we call them every weekend and I see the pain in his eyes after we talk to them, I wish they were closer.

2. Breastfeeding has not been successful. When we were at the hospital she latched on right away and we were happy for the first two days and all changed when a night nurse decided to give her the bottle. I couldn't stop her because it was in the middle of the night and baby has lost a lot of weight and the nurse had no clue when it comes to alternative feeding instead of the bottle. So once she got the bottle she had issues staying at the breast. I got a lot of help from the lactation consultants at the hospital. I have never been so happy when being complemented that I had the perfect nipple for breast feeding :). Obviously that is not enough. For the first two weeks we fed with tube supplement at the breast but it was hard. She screamed at every feeding and by the time her belly is full we were both exhausted. I had very minimal let down and she was not having it. I thought about it for a good day and decided to give her the bottle. I am only home for 3 month and she eventually will have to be bottle fed. She gets pumped milk except for two formula feedings during the night. This seems to have worked. I still haven't given up, I give her the breast when she is not too hungry and she is at it for 5 min at a time before she starts crying. Sew, sorry I tried.

3. Since baby is bottle fed my husband takes one of the feedings during the night. He is a light sleeper and when we started giving her the bottle he would just get up both times and not wake me up. Of course he couldn't keep it up since he has to get up early to go to work so now he takes the first night feeding and both of us manage to at least get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep at a time. He has been very active with baby duties. He is home on Friday's and weekends and pretty much does most of the feeding and taking care of the baby while I tend to the house. I am blessed to have such a supportive husband.

4. I am 6lb away from my pre-pregnancy weight. I only gained 25 lb so I guess it is not much to lose.

5. A few weeks ago I found out that my boss had shuffled people that work under me and had moved one of the most productive members of my group to another group. I was very upset. From the looks of it they were planning to do this but waited until I went on maternity leave and I hate when people are sneaky. I sent an e-mail to my boss saying that I wasn't happy with the changes and how it was done. I am only away for 3 freaking months and they pretend that I am taking years. I decided that I am not going to let this spoil my maternity leave and just left it at that. Now I only check my work e-mail once a week and don't think about it much. What I need is to polish my resume and be ready to jump when an opportunity comes along.