Quick Takes

1. I thought now that I am home I will have enough time for blogging.   I don't know where the time goes but most of it is my laziness and unwillingness to fight with my dying computer.

2. We celebrated baby MH's birthday last week.   We had a housewarming/birthday party last Saturday.  With my wonky hormones and overly anxious self I was worried sick about the party.  We had 60+ people including all the kids.   There were no way that I would have been able to cook all that was needed.  Just thinking about it gives me a headache.   We had the food catered by a local E.thiopian restaurant.  We made some of the veggie dishes and we had at least 12 different dishes.  Boy it makes it so easy when you don't have to cook.  All week before the party I was a ball of nerves but all went well.  Everyone had a blast.    Baby MH got to cut a white chocolate cake but did not take part in the eating :).  

3. I have been enjoying being SAHM for the most part but my hormonal state makes it hard.  Sometimes I think that if I am busy with a stupid job then I wouldn't worry about the most random stuff.  I have not gone to my Dr for a follow up and figure out how I can deal with the debilitating anxious feeling.   I also get numbing headaches ever morning and I think that is due to the progesterone.  I was on 100 mg before ovulation and 200 mg after but I switched to 100 mg through out my cycle which made the headaches better.   I am just tired of going to the Dr :(.  I stopped taking T3 for a week, didn't get a chance to pick up the prescription.  After a few days I started feeling the lump on the side of my throat which was more obvious when I swallowed.  

4. On the subject of TTC we are not avoiding but not actively trying either.   MH sleeps with us so that also puts a limit. I have been lazy about charting but I am kind of discouraged.  I hardly have any fertile CM and I am just not ready for the battle of TTC.  I don't think I want to go there again with the obsessively charting, CM analysis, and all that comes with it.   I am just not emotionally strong enough to handle the disappointments.   Since Dr. S has retired I have made an appointment with another Napro Dr at the same office for November. yes Nov, so far out.    Right now I want to get pregnant so that I can feel sane.  The last 5-6 month of my pregnancy I felt hormonally balanced.  It was the best time for me health-wise.  I do anything to feel that normally again.  Is it bad that I want to be pregnant more than I want to give birth to a child? 

5. We have been trying to transition MH to her crib, it is not working so well.  When she sleeps we transfer her to her crib but she wakes up in the middle of the night and looks for us and starts crying.  At that point there is no putting her back in the crib so she comes to our bed.  This has been going on for two weeks.  She sleeps in the crib for her naps.  She doesn't want to be placed in the crib when she is awake.  I think we are not trying hard enough.  My mantra is she will transition when she is ready.  We will see how long this lasts. 

6. I am doing a bad job on time management.  Being a SAHM has been challenging and my weakest point is time management.   I have so many tasks and so little time and drive to get things done.  

7. I love fall but I hate what comes after it :(.  Just thinking about cold weather puts me in a bad mood.   Hopefully it won't be too bad.   

Settling

Its been almost a month since I quit my job and also moved in in to our new home.  Things have been going good for the most part.  Our sofa finally was delivered last week so we are happy we have a place to sit.  We are still looking for a dining table.  We wanted a black/brown leather cushion on the chairs so it is easy to clean but can't seem to find that around the furniture stores in town.  I came to realize that I am not very good at decorating a home.  I want to be good at it but I lack the patient and also the designer gene :).   I have watched hours of HGTV and it doesn't help.  I still have to pick area rugs, curtains, and a few other things.  We have MH's first birthday party in a few weeks.  It would be a birthday/house warming party together and we have to get the place ready.

On the stay at home front I have been enjoying it.  I love waking up with my daughter and spending moments with her doing her morning bla bla.  She is really funny.   The girl can talk.  We usually wake up at around 8am and spend some time cuddling and talking before we go down for breakfast.  I love spending time with my mom sipping some good Ethi.opian coffee after breakfast.  The fact that my mom is with us during the weekdays is huge for me.  I enjoy spending time with her and also being able to do other things while she watches the baby.

MH is standing assisted.  She is now 11 month old.  She can also go up the stairs and also attempting standing unassisted.  She is still small, about 20 lb.  She has her 9 month Dr. appointment coming up (yes I know we are late).  Last week she caught her first cold and has fully recovered.

Moving on to the not so much fun topic.  I have been struggling with intense anxiety for the last few weeks.  I don't know if it is because of the change that took place over the last month or if I was beat up physically with all the stress of work, finally quitting and moving that my body is responding to it now.  Some days I am miserable, especially when I have time to myself and not distracted.   I am fearful of a lot of things including going out of the house alone.   I had also started taking HC, only took it for a few wks because I felt like it was making my anxiety worse.   I am on oral progesterone since 3 month postpartum but stopped taking it for 10 days pre-ovulatory to see if it is  in fact causing the non-ovulatory cycles.   I think that also added to it so I am now on progesterone through out my cycle.  My endo pain has been elevated,  I think it is due to increased physical activity.   I don't know what to do.   Please let me know if you have any advice.  It it just too frustrating to say the least.

Still Here

Sorry for the total silence.   I have been very busy and I still have not bought a new laptop.  My old laptop either freezes or shuts down ever time I turn it on and I just have no patient for it.  I have been meaning to blog for the last couple of weeks but just have not gotten a chance.  A lot has been happening in our lives over the last month.

We closed on our house as planned; all the paper work finally came together.  I quit my job within a few days after closing on our house.  Handing my resignation letter was the best feeling ever.    I have thought about this for months so it was not a sudden decision.    The two weeks after I gave my resignation were very busy with transferring my projects and finishing up things that could get down in a short time.   I have been at the company for over 10 years and know a lot of people so almost every day of my last two weeks I was out at lunch.  It was bitter sweet and I am going to miss my coworkers.   I managed to not cry while there but had a good cry when I got home.     

Within a week after I stopped work we moved to our new house.   We have just finished unpacking the important stuff and have a few boxes left of random stuff.    I have not had a chance to internalize all the changes that has been happening since we were busy with the move and cleaning out our old place.   Even though it is only been two weeks since I have stopped working it feels like a long time.  I am getting 8 hours of sleep ever night and my stress level pretty much is none existent.   Until I stopped working I had no idea that I was in that much stress physically, mentally and emotionally.   Physically this move has been really hard since I forget the limitation of my broken body and try to do too much and end up with pain and headache but I am learning to take it slow.  

There is a lot of stuff in the back of my mind as far as future plans for work, revising my Napro doc, taking classes and many more things but I am keeping all in the back of my mind and getting my house in order and taking the much needed break.   My focus now is to enjoy my baby and husband and try to be a better wife and mother.  Lets just say I have been lacking at both  :)

Brain Chatter

I have so many things swarming around in my head.   Too many things.   I have had tension headaches for a few weeks now and there are too many stressors that I am struggling to cope.  The fact that I am easlily stressed plays a huge role in the state I am in right now.   Today, instead of staying home I decided that I will visit my parents and take my thoughts off of my problems but that didn't work at all.   Any how, I just needed to list my irritation, problems and unrelastic worry thoughts before I went to sleep in hopes of a good night sleep if I just get it off my chest.  Here is the list

1. We are suppose to close on our house on wed.  The loan is approved under a condition that DHs work provide a letter of employment.   The bank couldn't get a letter last week due to the power outage.  So we have two days to provide this letter.  The HR office was not responsive on Friday after they got the power restored so I am really worried that we will not be able to close on Wed which will mean that I am not going to be able to quit my job the week after as planned  :(.

2.  Things are really ugly at work and I can't keep pretending that all is good.  Every day I am there is painful.  I have tried to suck it up over the last few weeks but it is stressisng me out.   I also have so much to do that I am working 11 hour days and also at least half a day during the weekend.

3.   We went to my parents and all my siblings were visiting too.  I went there to get away from my problems and being it familiy there will always be someone elses problems.   I have a sister married to a man that I can't figure out and they are having problems and I know she is stressed but refuses to talk about it openly to the family.   I also have another sister that has been struggling with depression for years and I worry a lot about her.

4.  Our marriage needs work.  DH has not been happy about a lot of things as far as how I am coming short on my responsibilities at home.   I also recognize that there is a lot I can do to improve but the work stress, new baby and my health issues always distracts my focus on what is important.  I am not fulfilling what my husband needs from this marriage which are very simple things like a clean house and a simple family meal on the table.   There is a lot I need to do and quitting my job will give me enough time to focus on our home.

There are more other thing up in my stupid head but I think I listed enough for today.  Hoping for a good sleep tonight.   I started taking HC today, that should help a lot.

On Cycle

AF was expected on Sunday but no show.  I have mild cramps for days now and I have taken a.divil a couple of times already.  I swore I ovulated  around d13/14 but I could be wrong.  So I broke down and tested on Sunday and BFN.   I know I am not PG, I just don't feel it.   I suspect it is all the work stress that is affecting my cycles.  A few month ago it lasted close to 40 days and it came and went away within a day.  Very Odd for me.   So I am just waiting it out.  Stress has such a big effect on our bodies.  I just want AF to show up and go away.   So frustrating.

Stressed Out

We will be closing on our house in a few weeks and I can't wait for that day so I can finally quit my job.  There is so much negativity and finger pointing that is going on at work that even being there one day is a struggle.  However, all things come to an end and I am trying to be patient and wait these two weeks out.  It feels like 2 years instead of two weeks.  If I could I would have taken the next two weeks off and hand in my resignation when I came back but that is close to impossible.    In the mean time I am trying to fill my head with good thoughts and plans on how to decorate our house, color of hardwood floor and wall paint to choose and so on.  

 

I had extensive blood work done as well as the saliva test for cortsol and DHEA.   My Vitamin D, vitaminB12, magnesium, pregnenolone,  DHEA, Zinc and Iron are low.   The saliva test also shows cortosol on the low side during the day and higher in the evening.   I convinced my Dr. to put me on 5 mg of HC even though she said the levels are not low enough to prescribe HC.   With the supplement and prescription I have 12 pills to take on a daily bases and that is a lot.   I am hoping that this treatment will do the trick for another baby.   My cycles have been a little odd since I stopped breastfeeding, the last cycle was right on the money, 28 days with no spotting and minimally PMS.  The cycle before that lasted 40 days or so.  I am expecting AF any day now, today being 27 days and I am crampy and irritable but not spotting.  I am taking progesterone throughout my cycle day 3-28.  I thought taking progesterone before ovulation affects ovulation but my Dr. tells me other wise.   We are changing it to take only 100 mg from day 3-14 and 200 mg from day 15-28.   Even though AF is right around the corner I am tempted to test since I have two pregnancy sticks looking at me.  I am going to resist until tomorrow.   

So the plan for us is to see if I can get pregnant in the next 6 month.  I am going to take at least 6 months before I start looking for a job.  If we are blessed with a pregnancy then I would be taking at least 1.5 years off.  But the infertile in me says don't plan these things out since it never works out the way we want it. I have promised my self that I will refrain from obsessively taking and thinking about TTC.   

Baby MH is doing great.  She started crawling and is keeping us very busy.   We have been co-sleeping since she was about 3 month old.   We will have to transition her to her own crib soon but will wait until I am out of this job. 

Quick Takes-lt has been a while

1. Wow, can't believe it, its been more than a month since I last blogged.  Time flies.  I have been doing a lot of thinking and kind of neglected this blog.  I have a lot in my mind and the fact that my computer shuts on me every 20 minutes or so doesn't help.

2. After a lot of talking, complaining, thinking I finally have decided to leave my job in a couple of months.   From ever front this job is not good for me.   I can tolerate work load, less pay, dead end positions  but I can't tolerate working with people that don't have your best interest at heart and that are all about themselves.   We talked with DH at length on this, and he said he supports my decision and all he wants is for us to be at peace.  Since I have been back to work after maternity leave I have constantly been miserable and complaining at ever chance I got and DH hates it.   It took me a while to get to this point.   When you have been at the same job for more than 10 years it is intimidating to leave but it has to be done.   I have done a lot of thinking over the last month and prioritizing what is important for our family right now.  Being in my late 30s I don't have many fertile years left and we would like to try for a 2nd child.   In addition, my health right now is not at its best.  Hormonally I am still not stable and the stress at my job is not helping.    So the plan is for me to take some time off, at least 3-6 months and look for another job.  Right now going to a new job is not the best choice.    I am  terrified of this decision, it is going to mean that our income is going to be cut by half, which means we can pay all the bills but will not be able to save any money.  The scariest part for me is being at home for six months.   I am so used to working that I don't know how I would manage being home but I am looking forward to spending time with my daughter. 

2. We are in the process of buying a home.  We finally settled for something older and smaller that would only use one income.  If I stay home for an extended time we can still make the house payment, it just would mean we will not have much saving.  

3. The other thing that worries me the most about not working is being dependent on DH financially.  I have never been dependent on any one since I left for college and I don't know how to take it.  I took pride in being the 50% provider  financially for our family and with that gone I don't know how I am going to feel about it.  In addition, although DH supports my decision to quit and we have talked about it I don't want this to bring additional stress on him.  Any one who has gone through this please share any advice you  may have.

4. Baby girl is a lot active but she still not crawling.  She likes to stand supported but refuses to crawl at all.  She may just prefer to walk.  She is going to be 9 month in a few weeks.  We are having issues with solid food, some days she will eat a few spoon fulls but other days she doesn't want to touch it.

5. I went back to my Dr. and did some blood work as well as adrenal hormone  testing.  I am suppose to go back to her in a few weeks.  I will also be seeing the other Napro dr in Dr. S office.
  
6. Sorry I haven't been commenting much.  With all that is going on right now I am distracted.  Promise will get back to blogging and commenting more often.