Wonky Cycles & TTC

Oh how I hate talking about cycles.  It makes me tired :.   I breastfeed/pumped for 6 months.  My cycle returned 3 wk after birth, so much for the break I was hoping for.  Anyhow after birth my cycles were regular with no spotting.  I was excited because I though the possibility of getting pregnant without going through treatment.    At the time I didn't chart or use OPK but I had thought I was ovulating normally.   After I stopped breastfeeding and started taking the progesterone my cycle have been all over the place.   At first I had a couple of long cycles, 37 day. The last three month I had a 37, 23 and 16 day cycles.   So weird.  So I finally went out and got an OPK.  This cycle seemed to be "normal" so I thought but it lasted 25 days.   I had the usual hormonal ups and downs.  OPK was positive on day 12.  I had limited CM but it was there.  I actually thought the possibility of pregnancy for a couple of days.  My boobs were very sore, I felt some nausea but like always it is one of those bad periods.    Every time I get the disappointment of CD1  all I have to do is look at my daughter and I feel at ease. I remember praying for a pregnancy and asking for GOD for just one child.  Now I am asking for a 2nd and I am sometimes ashamed.   I should be happy with what I have and be OK.  But it takes me time to get to that level emotionally. I want MH to have siblings but if that is not in the card for us then I want to be OK with it without the emotional turmoil.    Do I make sense?

I went to my Dr. a few weeks ago.  I had stopped taking all the supplements because I was feeling blaaa, I actually felt better so may be one of the supplement is not agreeing with me or my body needed a break.   So I didn't do the lab she ordered.  It most likely would look like the last one so didn't see the point.  I wanted a follow up with her to see what else I can do about the pain, anxiety and headaches.   After hearing me out she went back to telling me to try C.y.mbalta.  She said it might work for the pain in turn will help the anxiety    She forgot she had prescribed it 2 years ago;  I took it for a few days and felt like I was dying, not only did it make my anxiety worse it made me feel weird and not myself.   I think she has done all she could for me.

Any how I will be seeing the Napro Dr in December and do some lab work.  I haven't taken LDN since before pregnancy, may be going back on it will help the anxiety.    Since Dr. S in PA retired I am going to a Dr. in the same practice.  I haven't met her and she doesn't know my health history.  I feel like I am starting over and it will take a while.  May be I will give them a call and get some blood work done before I go up there.  Anyone who was Dr. S.tegman patient but seeing the Dr. in the same practice please let me know of your experience.

This and That

1. Old news but we survived hurricane Sandy. We were lucky, no power outage and no major wind gust as expected.    We live in a town-home and we have two trees in our backyard.  One of the trees is in our neighbor’s side but it is a huge tree.  It is a beautiful tree that I have admired from our bedroom window.  It is so nice to wake up in the morning and watch the colorful three.  Then came Sandy and I was terrified.  That night I opened the blinds and saw the tree dancing in the wind, and just imagined it falling on our bedroom.   So we slept in the basement the night of the storm.  Sandy took all the leaves off the trees.  I really like fall with all the color changes and the breezy air but I hate what it brings.   I hate winter, not so much the cold but the darkness.  It makes me depressed and now the time change has messed me up.    

Any how here is the tree, glad it is still standing but looking pitiful.   

  

2. I am so glad the election will be over soon.  I have avoided watching the news coverage as much as I could over the last few weeks.  I just don't enjoy all the drama, it is tiring and not very usefully.   I became a US citizen over 10 years ago.  This will be my third time voting and I am happy I am able to participate.   Voting is a joke in my home country, the last prime minster who just passed away was in power for the last 20 plus years.  So much for democracy.  

3.  My new hobby is reading up on DIY projects and home decorations.   I am in the process of making the basement a cozy space as well as creating a play space for MH on one side.  It is a finished basement and carpeted but it is cold.   I have been looking for a large wool area rug and also heavy curtains that will keep out the draft. I have a small budget for it so it has been challenging but will get done eventually.   

4. Staying at home has been a blessing.  I had lunch with my old coworkers a few weeks ago. It brought back what I miss and a lot of what I didn't miss.  Then just went through another reorganization and a lot of politics.  Listening to my co-workers complain makes me feel like I never left the place so I have been trying to have less conversations involving the situation.  I am still mad at what took place before I left so the less I hear about the place the better.  

5. Besides the people the only thing I miss about working is the money.  I never use to look at prices at the grocery store when I was working.   Now I actually am a lot aware of the cost of food.  We use to shop at an organic market for almost all food.  Not any more.  When I had the money I didn't have the time to spend it :).  Now that we have a home which needs stuff the money is not there.  I took a detailed look at our monthly budget and realized there is no way we can save much money on only DH's salary.  We have enough saved that we don't have to worry about it for now.  I really don't want to think about this now, I just want to enjoy my time with MH.  A friend of mine was working one day/week after she had her second child but after 10 month her hubby is nervous that they are not saving money so she went back to work full time last week.   She has two kids 11 month apart so it is going to be hard managing with work and kids. 

6.  Not much else to say.  Will be buying a laptop over the thanksgiving weekend, hopefully that will result in more blog posts. 

MH's Picture Post

MH turned one in September.  Yes Yes, way overdue for a picture post.  I am not comfortable posting a picture of her on line since I don't post my pictures.   I will post some here for those who read my blog and take them down in a few weeks.

MH is doing great, she took a few steps on her birthday and have been walking ever since.    It was stressful to see her fall down repeatedly on hardwood floor trying to keep her balance for a week or so until she was comfortable.    We tried to keep her down in the basement but she doesn't like the basement much.

We had a big party for her 2 days after her birthday.  On her birthday as you can see below I baked a loaf of chocolate chip bread (yes came out of a box).  I am sure she will complain when she sees what she got for her first birthday.  

Quick Takes

1. I thought now that I am home I will have enough time for blogging.   I don't know where the time goes but most of it is my laziness and unwillingness to fight with my dying computer.

2. We celebrated baby MH's birthday last week.   We had a housewarming/birthday party last Saturday.  With my wonky hormones and overly anxious self I was worried sick about the party.  We had 60+ people including all the kids.   There were no way that I would have been able to cook all that was needed.  Just thinking about it gives me a headache.   We had the food catered by a local E.thiopian restaurant.  We made some of the veggie dishes and we had at least 12 different dishes.  Boy it makes it so easy when you don't have to cook.  All week before the party I was a ball of nerves but all went well.  Everyone had a blast.    Baby MH got to cut a white chocolate cake but did not take part in the eating :).  

3. I have been enjoying being SAHM for the most part but my hormonal state makes it hard.  Sometimes I think that if I am busy with a stupid job then I wouldn't worry about the most random stuff.  I have not gone to my Dr for a follow up and figure out how I can deal with the debilitating anxious feeling.   I also get numbing headaches ever morning and I think that is due to the progesterone.  I was on 100 mg before ovulation and 200 mg after but I switched to 100 mg through out my cycle which made the headaches better.   I am just tired of going to the Dr :(.  I stopped taking T3 for a week, didn't get a chance to pick up the prescription.  After a few days I started feeling the lump on the side of my throat which was more obvious when I swallowed.  

4. On the subject of TTC we are not avoiding but not actively trying either.   MH sleeps with us so that also puts a limit. I have been lazy about charting but I am kind of discouraged.  I hardly have any fertile CM and I am just not ready for the battle of TTC.  I don't think I want to go there again with the obsessively charting, CM analysis, and all that comes with it.   I am just not emotionally strong enough to handle the disappointments.   Since Dr. S has retired I have made an appointment with another Napro Dr at the same office for November. yes Nov, so far out.    Right now I want to get pregnant so that I can feel sane.  The last 5-6 month of my pregnancy I felt hormonally balanced.  It was the best time for me health-wise.  I do anything to feel that normally again.  Is it bad that I want to be pregnant more than I want to give birth to a child? 

5. We have been trying to transition MH to her crib, it is not working so well.  When she sleeps we transfer her to her crib but she wakes up in the middle of the night and looks for us and starts crying.  At that point there is no putting her back in the crib so she comes to our bed.  This has been going on for two weeks.  She sleeps in the crib for her naps.  She doesn't want to be placed in the crib when she is awake.  I think we are not trying hard enough.  My mantra is she will transition when she is ready.  We will see how long this lasts. 

6. I am doing a bad job on time management.  Being a SAHM has been challenging and my weakest point is time management.   I have so many tasks and so little time and drive to get things done.  

7. I love fall but I hate what comes after it :(.  Just thinking about cold weather puts me in a bad mood.   Hopefully it won't be too bad.   

Settling

Its been almost a month since I quit my job and also moved in in to our new home.  Things have been going good for the most part.  Our sofa finally was delivered last week so we are happy we have a place to sit.  We are still looking for a dining table.  We wanted a black/brown leather cushion on the chairs so it is easy to clean but can't seem to find that around the furniture stores in town.  I came to realize that I am not very good at decorating a home.  I want to be good at it but I lack the patient and also the designer gene :).   I have watched hours of HGTV and it doesn't help.  I still have to pick area rugs, curtains, and a few other things.  We have MH's first birthday party in a few weeks.  It would be a birthday/house warming party together and we have to get the place ready.

On the stay at home front I have been enjoying it.  I love waking up with my daughter and spending moments with her doing her morning bla bla.  She is really funny.   The girl can talk.  We usually wake up at around 8am and spend some time cuddling and talking before we go down for breakfast.  I love spending time with my mom sipping some good Ethi.opian coffee after breakfast.  The fact that my mom is with us during the weekdays is huge for me.  I enjoy spending time with her and also being able to do other things while she watches the baby.

MH is standing assisted.  She is now 11 month old.  She can also go up the stairs and also attempting standing unassisted.  She is still small, about 20 lb.  She has her 9 month Dr. appointment coming up (yes I know we are late).  Last week she caught her first cold and has fully recovered.

Moving on to the not so much fun topic.  I have been struggling with intense anxiety for the last few weeks.  I don't know if it is because of the change that took place over the last month or if I was beat up physically with all the stress of work, finally quitting and moving that my body is responding to it now.  Some days I am miserable, especially when I have time to myself and not distracted.   I am fearful of a lot of things including going out of the house alone.   I had also started taking HC, only took it for a few wks because I felt like it was making my anxiety worse.   I am on oral progesterone since 3 month postpartum but stopped taking it for 10 days pre-ovulatory to see if it is  in fact causing the non-ovulatory cycles.   I think that also added to it so I am now on progesterone through out my cycle.  My endo pain has been elevated,  I think it is due to increased physical activity.   I don't know what to do.   Please let me know if you have any advice.  It it just too frustrating to say the least.

Still Here

Sorry for the total silence.   I have been very busy and I still have not bought a new laptop.  My old laptop either freezes or shuts down ever time I turn it on and I just have no patient for it.  I have been meaning to blog for the last couple of weeks but just have not gotten a chance.  A lot has been happening in our lives over the last month.

We closed on our house as planned; all the paper work finally came together.  I quit my job within a few days after closing on our house.  Handing my resignation letter was the best feeling ever.    I have thought about this for months so it was not a sudden decision.    The two weeks after I gave my resignation were very busy with transferring my projects and finishing up things that could get down in a short time.   I have been at the company for over 10 years and know a lot of people so almost every day of my last two weeks I was out at lunch.  It was bitter sweet and I am going to miss my coworkers.   I managed to not cry while there but had a good cry when I got home.     

Within a week after I stopped work we moved to our new house.   We have just finished unpacking the important stuff and have a few boxes left of random stuff.    I have not had a chance to internalize all the changes that has been happening since we were busy with the move and cleaning out our old place.   Even though it is only been two weeks since I have stopped working it feels like a long time.  I am getting 8 hours of sleep ever night and my stress level pretty much is none existent.   Until I stopped working I had no idea that I was in that much stress physically, mentally and emotionally.   Physically this move has been really hard since I forget the limitation of my broken body and try to do too much and end up with pain and headache but I am learning to take it slow.  

There is a lot of stuff in the back of my mind as far as future plans for work, revising my Napro doc, taking classes and many more things but I am keeping all in the back of my mind and getting my house in order and taking the much needed break.   My focus now is to enjoy my baby and husband and try to be a better wife and mother.  Lets just say I have been lacking at both  :)

Brain Chatter

I have so many things swarming around in my head.   Too many things.   I have had tension headaches for a few weeks now and there are too many stressors that I am struggling to cope.  The fact that I am easlily stressed plays a huge role in the state I am in right now.   Today, instead of staying home I decided that I will visit my parents and take my thoughts off of my problems but that didn't work at all.   Any how, I just needed to list my irritation, problems and unrelastic worry thoughts before I went to sleep in hopes of a good night sleep if I just get it off my chest.  Here is the list

1. We are suppose to close on our house on wed.  The loan is approved under a condition that DHs work provide a letter of employment.   The bank couldn't get a letter last week due to the power outage.  So we have two days to provide this letter.  The HR office was not responsive on Friday after they got the power restored so I am really worried that we will not be able to close on Wed which will mean that I am not going to be able to quit my job the week after as planned  :(.

2.  Things are really ugly at work and I can't keep pretending that all is good.  Every day I am there is painful.  I have tried to suck it up over the last few weeks but it is stressisng me out.   I also have so much to do that I am working 11 hour days and also at least half a day during the weekend.

3.   We went to my parents and all my siblings were visiting too.  I went there to get away from my problems and being it familiy there will always be someone elses problems.   I have a sister married to a man that I can't figure out and they are having problems and I know she is stressed but refuses to talk about it openly to the family.   I also have another sister that has been struggling with depression for years and I worry a lot about her.

4.  Our marriage needs work.  DH has not been happy about a lot of things as far as how I am coming short on my responsibilities at home.   I also recognize that there is a lot I can do to improve but the work stress, new baby and my health issues always distracts my focus on what is important.  I am not fulfilling what my husband needs from this marriage which are very simple things like a clean house and a simple family meal on the table.   There is a lot I need to do and quitting my job will give me enough time to focus on our home.

There are more other thing up in my stupid head but I think I listed enough for today.  Hoping for a good sleep tonight.   I started taking HC today, that should help a lot.