Quitting HCG

I know I mostly talk about cycles, pain, infertility and endometriosis mostly but this is my reality and some day I will have more interesting and happy blog posts. 

I tried the HCG injections post ovulation last cycle.  I had terrible cramps and AF was once again the most painful time of my cycle like old times without the excessive bleeding.   I haven't had this much pain in the days leading to my cycle in months.   I can't think of anything but the HCG being the cause. 

Usually the most painful time is right after period up to ovulation.   In the last couple of months the endo pain was somewhat tolerable.  I didn't have tension headaches daily, or my pelvic and butt weren't to the point of me having to massage/beat it under a hot shower to get the knots out.   I still had pain but it wasn't pain where I had to lye down ever few hours.   After the HCG shots and painful AF, all have returned.  I was hoping HCG will at least stabilize me hormonally or help lessen the pain but that isn't the case.  The last two weeks have been horrible especially this week.   I wake up with a headache and pain up to my ears every day this week.    TTC this week is out of the question, I have been in too much pain to want to do that.  In addition, I don't even know if I ovulated or  not, I haven't noticed any fertile CM and I am on CD14.  

My gut tells me that I should stop the HCG.  I know I only took it for one cycle but I can't risk it. In addition to all the physical pain,  the pain of infertility reared its head when AF showed up.   For a day I was convinced that I was pregnant because of all the pre-pregnancy symptoms.  Yes please slap me.   The next day it all came crashing down and for half a day I was in that desperate state and I had to pull myself out of it.   I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that MH will most likely be an only child.  

My doctor suggested I take estradiol in addition to HCG to raise my estradiol level post peak.  That will not be happening.  No HCG, estradiol or progesterone for now.    I need to listen to my gut feeling.

Update

1. My niece graduated from high school and her parents had a party for her last Sat.  Huge party, more than 100 people showed up.   Most of the food was catered but I was tasked with making two huge pans of lasagna.   Since you all know my energy level and pain tolerance the work had to be split into two days.  I made the sauce a day before and made the lasagna on Sat morning.   The lasagna came out so good that both pans were gone pretty fast.   Of course I didn't test it since I am off gluten but the sauce was pretty good.  There were non left for the late comers.  We stopped by my sisters the day after the party for lunch.  They had some kind of yellow cake and I caved in and took three bites.  Lets just say my energy level was fine on Sunday but by Monday I was so sluggish and had a migraine like headache and I knew it is the gluten.  It took three days to get out of the funk. I had mild digestive issue for a day but the headache and fatigue were not fun and I just got around to mopping my floor that was suppose to be done on Monday.  I learned my lesson. 

2.  After cramping for four days AF showed up never be able to deal with the disappointment of AF arriving when TTC.  It has been six years since we first started to TTC, why is it so hard to deal with the disappointment?   I drank a lot of raspberry tea to deal with the cramps.  I should have drank it post ovulation too, it had made a huge difference in elevating my PMS.

3. I need to go see my Thyroid doctor.  Last time I saw her I was suppose to be on T3 twice a day in addition to desiccated thyroid twice a day.  I couldn't tolerate the T3 even at a lower dose so I stopped.  I also couldn't tolerate the 2nd dose of desiccated thyroid.   I was on T3 only for a few years but once I added the desiccated thyroid I couldn't tolerate T3.   So for the last few months I have only been taking desiccated thyroid in the morning.  I raised it by half a pill this morning.  I would like to split it twice a day instead of taking it all in the morning.  But I keep forgetting the afternoon dose so now I am taking all in the morning.   Is it best to take desiccated thyroid on an empty stomach?  I always take it 30 min before I eat breakfast and that had worked fine for me.  But I think I need to raise my level since my T4 was slightly lower on this dose so before I even go back to my doctor and do labs I want to raise it and see how I do.    

6.  Right now I am in less meds that I was for the last few years.  I am only taking the desiccated thyroid and prenatal vitamins and occasionally B12.   I am thinking of adding pycnogenol to my supplement to see if it helps the endo pain.   I don't do so well with a lot of meds, I feel overloaded especially my digestive system. 

7. I wouldn't have minded going to my doctor every two-three month as planned but I can't.  She doesn't take insurance which means I pay $300-400 out of pocket for each visit.  I can only do that twice a year.   I think I may have to find another doctor close by that would take insurance and treats with desiccated thyroid.  

Not Feeling So Hot on HCG

Today is p+13.  Since I started taking the HCG I have had nausea and cramps.  The cramps were faint but now I am hit with almost unbearable cramps and lower back pain.   The nausea is here even after 4 days of the last HCG injection but fading.     Emotionally I am fine, no hormonal crash.   The last few unmediated cycles were much better than what I am going through right now.  We shall see what the next few cycles are going to be like on HCG before I decide to stop or continue to take it. 

I am also not too impressed with my p+7 numbers on HCG

Progesterone: 13 ng/mL
Estradiol:  82 pg/mL  (low)

They also did a test to determine ovarian reserve and that number is low, more in line with premenopausal.  Oh well, I didn't expect anything better. 

My boobs hurt, I am cramping and no bleeding yet.   This better be pregnancy symptoms, if not this is not funny.   Then again the cramps are too painful to be pregnancy symptoms.  Not loving HCG at all. 

I bought those cheap HPT tests a while back and the reviews for them were mixed.   Since I have HCG in my system I thought it would be good to test and see if they work.  It was negative on cd12 so those tests must either be crappy or HCG leaves my body running.  

I have toddler parked in front of the TV.  Going to sip some tea and relax.



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Update

1.  The other day we went in to a bread bakery that recently opened.  When you walk in you are hit with the most wonderful smell and it smelled so delicious.  So we looked around for a bit and DH said he didn't want anything.  Since I can't eat gluten we didn't buy any bread.   So that night I dreamt that I was baking all kinds of bread, with all kinds of seeds and eating all night.   I am usually over gluten, there is always bread for toddler and DH in the home but I never cheat.   If I cheat usually it is a few bites of fried chicken that I make for DH.  But I guess I can only take so much.  Hehehe, I ate so much bread in my dream that I woke up satisfied.  

2.  Moving on to TTC, I am on P + 7 and has done two HCG injection so far.  I had a blood draw today so we shall see where the progesterone/estradiol levels are.  I knew that I might start getting pregnancy symptoms because of the HCG but thought much later than P + 7.  I have had faint nausea and slightly tender boobs since yesterday.   I don't find these symptoms fun.  I am assuming it will increase the more HCG I inject.  I know that HCG might improve PMS but I don't know if I am ready to trade the PMS with a new set of symptoms.   Plus the last few cycles my PMS was at a minimum with out meds but I think that is due to Red raspberry leaf tea I have been drinking for the last two months.  

3. Since DH is only working par time in the summer we have been watching the World Cup every single day since it started.   This afternoon we didn't know what to do with ourselves since there is no scheduled game.  We are loving all the intense games.  So much fun  and screaming.. 

4. We have a lot of family drama going on.  My sister is filing for a divorce.  The spouse is putting the kids in between their fight and it is a sad and dangerous situation all around.   You know the things that you thought will never happen in your family and they are slowly unfolding in front of your eyes and you are left with the feeling that you are watching a movie.  Oh boy, I am praying for the kids that they come out of this situation sane.  It is that serious and it is stressing me out.  I am so mad at the parents. Kids are teen and preteen years and are not mature enough to handle all the craziness that is around them.  It is very sad for everybody watching and we can't do anything to prevent the situation.

5. During the summer our upstairs get really hot if we don't have the temp way down.  So one night we decided to crash in the basement where we watch TV.  We put a few comforters on top of  thick rug and it has served us so well.  In addition to getting a decent sleep in a cool place my back is thanking me.  I used to get up in pain and would have to walk around for it to slowly subside but now I walk up stretched.  The only down side is the hard surface gives me lower back pain since I have a curved back and not being full supported.  I am trying to work around it so that we spend the entire summer in the basement.   We will have to change our mattress in the winter and get something very firm. 

HCG & TTC

This cycle will be the first time I am taking HCG.  I am on cd14 today and definitely ovulating.  I woke up today and just felt off.  DH is home today, we had breakfast and I started on lunch so we can go out after lunch.  Well, the only thing I managed was to chop some onions.  I went out on our deck to get some sun for about 10min and came in and crashed on our living room sofa.  My back and mid section were doing their thing and my legs felt tired.  My lower abdomen was throbbing, yep ovulation.  I took Advil and slept for about 2 hours.  DH cooked lunch when he saw the state I was in.  I feel much better this afternoon. 

We have been off the TTC wagon since December.  It has been a nice break and I was trying to keep it permanent but failing.  Since I am going to start the HCG we are going to go ahead and try.  With the exception of AF being light my last cycle LP is 13/14 days.  I am encourage to TTC this cycle.  I am having a lot of fertile CM and I am excited to try.    I don't want to slip in to the obsessive TTC wagon.  There will not be obsessive peeing on a stick to try to determine if HCG has left my body etc.   I don't have the energy for it.  But I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited and also scared of injecting myself.    I will go for P + 7 progesterone/estradiol test.  Since my last cycle I had a longer LP without meds I am hopeful that my progesterone level has improved.   I am hoping that HCG will also help with the pain.  So much hope riding on HCG.

Update

1. We had such a wonderful weather this past weekend.  Both days were spent outdoors.  What a blessing.  We went to a local farm on Sat and had a picnic with some friends.  Toddler loved it a lot and run around like crazy.  On Sunday I dragged my husband to a local park which has a garden and we walked a little bit.  It was beautiful, a little too hot for my hubby but I loved it.  However, two days of outing is too much for my body.  Today I am paying for it.  It kind of kicked up my pain.  I usually wake up with pain but today's was extra specially.  I cooked lunch and I can feel it start to become intense.  I rested while toddler took a nap but by late afternoon it started back again and now I am bloated.  But I don't care, we had such a wonderful weekend. 

2. I was suppose to start HCG injection but I put it off and I have had two cycles med free.  This past cycle I had a 12/13 day LP with no spotting which is good for med free cycle.  In addition no PMS, I felt little cramping here and there before AF started but overall it was pretty sweet.  I almost always have PMS that start about a week before AF.   The cramps during my period were a little intense but resisted taking painkillers.   I also had a good amount of bleeding so that is encouraging.   It is still lighter than normal but close enough.  I am on cd5 and will be doing HCG injection this cycle.   Just hoping that it helps with the endometriosis pain.  We will also TTC, we shall see.

3. After cooking dinner I put all the left overs in the fridge and just left all the pots/pans out.  It will get washed tomorrow morning.  I am learning to let things go when I am in pain.  My kitchen is a mess tonight but it is more important that I rest.   Sometimes I get frustrated with DH, when he sees that I am in pain I want him to go in there and clean the kitchen.  But I also want him to play with toddler etc.  I just wish that he is a little more involved in the kitchen. 

4.  Since DH has summer schedule (only two days of work/week) we have had a lot of free time and have been watching the World Cup.  It has been fun so far. 

5. I can't believe it is already June.  It will soon be 2 years since I quit working.  I have been thinking a lot about what it will mean to go back to work with my current pain level.    It might be doable on painkillers but for how long?   Having a large gap is never good for ones career.   I need to find a way to manage the pain so that I can work.   Going back to work for me will mean that the house work will have to be neglected.  DH will have to share the burden.   I may consider going to some pain management program.  

I hope everyone is enjoying the summer.  Warm weather puts a smile on my face. 

Planning/having a wedding while ill

Around the time of our engagement my endometriosis had really kicked in and was so bad that I was in daily agony.   I started gaining weight, had to eat constantly and had lower back pain all the time and standing/walking for more than 20 min was impossible.  At the time I didn’t know what it was, every Dr. I went to said I was perfectly fine.    In addition, I was fatigued and I believe my thyroid and adrenal hormones were off even though the famous endocrinologist looked me in the eye and told me I was in perfect health (I wanted to slap him).    When we got engaged we figured it would take about 6 months to plan our wedding.   It was a family affair and we involved our immediate families and we assigned tasks.  

During one of the planning meetings with family I remember I couldn’t sit still because my lower back was killing me.  I would go to our bathroom and lye on my yoga mat and stretch my back and come out.    I remember cooking for the meeting the day before in agony; let’s just say the food wasn’t very appetizing.  Over those six months things started getting worse.  I still made it to work and managed to put in a full day with the help of over the counter painkillers.    The hypo symptoms in the morning were so bad that I rearranged my daily tasks so that I spent morning at my desk instead of the lab.    Walking to a different building for meetings at work was difficult and I would drive instead of walk 10 min.   Sitting straight on a chair was close to impossible.  With all this going on I still went ahead with the wedding in the hopes that I will start to feel better. 

 

I bought my wedding dress three months before the wedding and within those 3 months I had gained another 5 lb.  Within the 6 months I was up 15 lb and that is a lot since I am only 5 feet 2 inches tall.  I barely fitted in the dress.   I was blotted and I am pretty sure people in the family, especially DH’s family thought I was pregnant.    This was all before I figured out gluten was an issue for me so I had consumed a lot of glutinous food around the time.  I had 3-5 bowl movements a day; it felt like the food just went straight out without being digested.    I was always hungry and ate at least six times a day.   

A couple of months before the wedding I was tested for H. pylori and it was positive.  I felt slightly better after the antibiotic treatment but the endo pain was the same.    However, I was not going to let my illness get in the way of getting married.    At the end of a work day I can barely lift my head from the headrest of my car seat. 

The wedding day arrived which started at 6 in the morning.   I had told my sisters to carry food for me at all places I was at prior to the reception so I can snack.  We had the wedding service in the morning, followed by a picnic and picture session.    It was a beautiful sunny day and by the end of the church service I was beat.  During the ride to the picnic location I rested a little bit in the limo and out we were in the sun.  By the time the picnic was over I was dead.  I can recognize the pain face of pictures taken towards the end.   My husband was the only one that recognized my pain face.  Before the reception I took Advil and took a nap.     Picture below taken at the picnic.

During the reception I took more painkiller.  I wore sandals, there was no way I was going to manage high heels.  My bridesmaids wore high heels even though I had asked them not to and they towered over me.   That was the least of my worries.     I sat for most of the dancing and would get up every 20 min and pretend to dance :)  The wedding party was high energy (except for me) and they were drank and on the dance floor all night while I sat and watched.  My husband was out there too dancing for most of the night.  

If you see the wedding video you can't tell I was in pain but that is what Endometriosis is all about.  You look health from outside while your insides are killing you.