MH 2nd Bday

MH celebrated her 2nd birthday this past weekend.   Over the summer we missed a lot of gathering due to illnesses, pregnancy and miscarriage.  Original I was planning just a party with immediate families (my family) but since we have not seen DH's extended family I thought it would be a good opportunity to see them and catch up.  Of course I was worried sick about having a party since I thought physical It would have been hard to do all the cooking and we don't have room in our budget to get the food catered.  My mom offered to make the big dishes, I made a few dishes and we prepared for two days so that I don't get overwhelmed.   I decided not to invite my extended family since it would mean we will have over 40 people and that would just be too overwhelming.   I didn't take pictures with our camera when she cut the cake since I was busy setting up.  She was very fussy at the beginning since she didn't get to finish her nap but finally warmed up.

 

In search of Neighbors

A few weeks ago a neighbor from my home country was visiting my parents.  She now lives in the US up North.

Her visit brought back so many memories as our houses were next to each other and we grew up with her sons.   It also is a reminder how life is completely different here and how my childs experience will be so much different than mine and also my experience as an adult compared to my mothers. 

Growing up we lived in a community where everyone new each other.  Our neighbors were like family and still are. My mom was a member of the neighborhood women's group and ever month they had a party/meeting at each others houses.  Some of the women were working, some were stay at home mothers and from different backgrounds.  They collected money, they planned weddings, they were there for people that lost loved ones both financially and emotionally.   

My mother was a SAHM and she often got together with other SAHM's in the neighborhood.   In our culture having coffee is the biggest social event.  Daily my Mom will be called to neighbor's house for coffee, this are elaborate ceremonies where women from the neighborhood get together and talk for hours about anything and everything.   The coffee ceremony usually starts with incent burning, roasting coffee bean from scratch and making the coffee at least three times.

When my mother invites neighbors for coffee I would do the disappearing act so that I won't be the one making coffee.  As a child I hated sitting in front of the adults pouring coffee and serving while they chatted.  I was shy and it was too painful for me to sit still for the duration of the ceremony. 

These coffee ceremonies and monthly meetings were vital to our community especially for the women.  They talked about their kids, their marital and financial problems, issues in the community and everything in between.  Of course you have a dose of competition, who's kids were the smartest, who had the best furniture or biggest house etc.

These women to Mom are life long friends.  When she usually visits our home country she will stay for a week or so in one of the neighbor's house so that she can spend time with all.    Of course it is not the same as old times, a few have passed away, some have immigrated to the US or other countries.  But that women's group to this day exists 20 some years later.   These women are the closest friends of my mother. 

Now that I am a SAHM I long for such experience.  I often go for walks around our neighborhood with toddler MH and the neighborhood feels deserted.  There are a few SAHM on the block but I hardly see them walking around. It is almost like people are afraid of getting to know each other.  While I was working and living in an apartment I really didn't think much about it.    I think we would have been better off living in the city rather than the suburbs.    It is comforting to see people walking on the street.  Here if I go out in the middle of the day their is hardly any one on the street, I actual don't feel very safe.   

We have tried to replace daily human contact with social media.    Although is better than nothing it is not the same, I don't get to smell the coffee and kiss other peoples babies.  

Too many things in my head

I am sitting in my living room, both DH and toddler MH are asleep.  It is an early night for both.  I am sitting thinking; I have been doing this for a while.  The pregnancy disrupted all the thoughts and I was delighted.  So in order to not think about the loss of the pregnancy my head just went back to the previous thoughts with the addition of new ones. 

I am doing OK most of the time.   I have a neighbor who is visibly pregnant and every time I see her I get the ache and I am in that sad place of what could have been and how many weeks and days I would have been pregnant.  There is also another neighbor who gave birth about a month ago and I see her husband taking the baby for walks and the sadness sets in.   I am mostly focused on the good in my life, taking my kid for walks, playing, spending time with my husband and family.  I allow the sad feelings because it is all part of the grieving for a baby I won't meet on this earth.

I was suppose to see my Napro Doc this past Friday but canceled it.   The plan was for us to review the cycle long hormone profile result.  I was also suppose to do an ultrasound to see if I had any issues but the pregnancy happened and I never got around to doing it.  Best to do an ultrasound and see her.  The earliest I could get another appointment was in November so I asked on when it should be OK to resume TTC.   She said to wait only one cycle.  I started the L.DN this week.    So I will be taking all the meds I took prior to MH's pregnancy. 

I have been meaning to blog on how living with a chronic illness has affected me over the years.  I have also been thinking about returning to work for a few months now and when I felt better because of the pregnancy I was thinking more about it and making concrete plans on when and how.  Now no more pregnancy, the pain is not back yet but the headaches and hormonal state are slowly creeping in.  Unless my DH goes out and gets another job that pays more I will have to go back to work.  I don't know how this is going to happen with my health but it is the reality.  We have already spent some of our savings this summer due to some unexpected expenses and I am sure will be doing the same in the winter.   I don't know how but I got to get health enough to start working within the next 6 months.   I never had to worry about money since graduating college so it is new for me.  I was never a big spender so on the few things I spent money on I splurged. 

Anyhow moving on to toddler MH, today we took her to a local park that has train rides.   There was a line when we arrived so we bought the tickets and waited.  She first wanted to be held but decided she wanted to get down and that was it.  The girl is a social butterfly; she is too much and sometimes she scares the little kids.  She started running, put her face in front of every child in line and said hi and chatted away.   She says a few phrases and words but most of it is baby talk.  She will be turning 2 in a few weeks.  Depending on how I feel energy wise we are planning to have a small party, about 20 people.  She is still super picky about eating.  No veggies or meat.   Her meals consist of eggs, fruits, cheese, pasta, some rice and bread.     Will do a picture post soon. 

Update

I had a D & C on Friday morning.   It went fine.  I was freaked out the whole week and the night before I woke up in the middle of the night.  I prayed and prayed and finally fall asleep.  When I woke up in the morning I was calm and ready to get it over with.

The nurse who was preparing me for the procedure was so nice.  As soon as I told her what I was there for she sat by me and told me her experience with a D & C she had 17 years ago.   She was so sweet. 

There was a criminal across from my room who was being prepped for surgery.  I first saw three cops walking around and wondering what was going on and then I saw them taking the man.  His hands and legs were chained.  Weird, for a minute I was thinking what if he tried to get away and grab one of the polices guns..... 

I have been taking it easy ever since and spending time with my baby.  DH has been cooking since I can't stand for too long.  The cramping starts if I push myself so I am just laying low.

Emotionally I am doing fine, I think.  A few tears here and there but I have been focused on being Thankful and letting go.   My hormones have not crashed yet, may be it would be a smooth landing but I haven't felt any major difference.   Hopefully it stays that way. 

Thank You for your prayers.