Its been a while

This past Sunday we celebrated Easter.  I cooked over two days so that I can be somewhat functional for Easter.  Lots of meat dishes as we were pretty tired of veggies.  I invited my niece (practically a single mother); fiancé is overseas and she is raising her daughter alone.  I also invited my dad and my sister's for Easter lunch.  It was fun, small crowed and enjoyable.  We managed to go to church on Good Friday and stayed for only 1h.  Church and toddler don't mix together.   She wanted to run around and DH held her as much as he could but within 30 min she was restless so he let her go.  She took off running and starting talking to kids and anyone she found.   My mother usually goes to the Sat evening service and goes to her sister's house for Easter.   For  E.th.opian orthodox Easter is the biggest celebration, bigger than Christmas and I have so many wonderful childhood memories.   It is just not the same celebrating Easter here; so you manage to create another tradition. 

MH had fun playing with my nieces daughter.  We don't have anyone else that is closer to her age so she doesn't get to interact much with kids her age.  Seeing them play together was heart warming.  I will have to invite my niece more often so they can get to know each other.   MH is growing up so fast.  She is blabbering, most of it we don't understand.  Since we also talk to her in our native language she is mixing the two languages.    We have a playground behind our house and we manage to go at least twice in a day when the weather is nice.   The older kids around the neighborhood love her since she makes sure she says hi to everyone and they find her baby talk funny and ask me to interpret :).  We really like our neighborhood, there are lots of families and young kids are always playing outside. 

3. On TTC front I was pretty sure I was pregnant.  On P+10 I walk up to spotting.  I haven't spotted since I had MH.  My last cycle on Med was 28 days with good CM and no spotting.  Before I was pregnant with MH I had luteal phase defect and spotted as early as P+6.  I took progesterone and estradiol for two cycles (I think) before the spotting stopped and I became pregnant.  I also had spotting starting on P+10 before I found out I was pregnant with MH.  So yep, spot on P+10 and I automatically assumed that this must be implantation spotting.  I had all the signs, sore boobs, back pain, faint cramps.  Boy I was excited :(.  I spotted for three days and on Easter Sunday morning there was AF.  What a bummer.   Not only I was not pregnant but now I am spotting on Meds :(.   I will have to go back to the Napro Dr for blood work.  I haven't had any blood work done since MH.   It just doesn't make sense to assume that I have the same problems as before MH and use the same treatment.  It will be helpful to know the hormone profile.  I don't know though if I want to go off the meds so that I can have the blood work.  We shall see.  I am also not keen on going to PA since my DH is really busy over the next few months and if I make that appointment it would mean he will have to take a day off.  I want to be aggressive and pursue a second pregnancy but I also have to be sensitive to my family needs. 

The good, bad and hormonal meltdowns

1. Lent has been going well as far as going meatless.  I don't even crave meat at all so it has not been hard.   However, I am lacking in my daily prayers.  I just don't seem to be able to focus much and I am struggling.   We still have a little more than two weeks to go.  Will see how I do.

2.  We haven't gone to church in a few months.  We were never regular goers but we were trying a few months ago.  DH doesn't agree with some of the church politics that has been going around for a long time (long story) and he said he doesn't want to go and I am not pushing.  When I decided to be a SHAM I planned for us to go to church regularly.  Having a restless 18 months old doesn't help either. 

3.  I bought MH two Easter dresses.  The one I really like seem to be a little small even though it is a size 2 and she is only 18 months.  She will not be able to wear it long so I may have to return it.   My DH hates shopping, I don't like it either but when we go together I find myself hurrying because he hates to be there and he stresses me out :).  

4..  After my hormonally meltdown a week prior to AF two cycles ago I felt much better.   I was so happy and enjoying the ride.  I took progesterone and estradiol post peak and it was all good.  I did not have any cramps or mood changes until a day before AF arrived.   It went down hill after that and I feel like crap.  Today is cd 7 and I am still in the damps.  All week I have been really down especially in the mornings.  This past weekend was not good at all.  While eating breakfast I told DH that I feel like crap and I told him how frustrated and hopeless I felt.   He told me that I need to be positive and starting talking about his mother and how she handled her chronic illness when they were growing up and how great she was.  Stuff that you don't want to hear when your hormones have sank you in the pity of despair. The conversation changed when he said I only share this with him and not with my family.  He said when my mom is here during the week I look positive and I am smiling.  Yes I do pretend all is good.  I tell her when I am in pain but I don't go in to details.  He said he feels burdened with the fact that I only share with him and that I should be real with my family.   The conversation went south after that, in short what I heard was I am tired of hearing about your problems and snap out of it.   It is like he punched me on the stomach.    I am not a cryer but I was really sad and I was in tears.  I don't know how to have a conversation when feeling hurt.  I got up and walked away and finished crying in my bathroom.  Since then we haven't talked about it and I am still hurt.  I know it is not fair for him to have to deal with this.  It is not like he can fix it, but I just feel so alone sometimes that I just need to talk to someone.

5.   I am seriously thinking of going on meds for depression/anxiety and see it will help.  If it means it will bring me some stability then I will have to consider it.   I am also seriously thinking of going on prescription pain meds. I have been avoiding this for years but it may be the best option I have for now.  

6.  On a positive note I started exercising two weeks ago.  I do dance aerobics and palates.   The palates is helping my pelvic pain so it is all good.  I have put this as my number one priority for now.  

7. On the TTC front nothing to report.  My cycle have normalized at least for the last two.   We really haven't been good at actively trying and I am exhausted from all the hormonal ups and downs so I don't even make an effort.  What would be great for me was to be pregnant.   Oh how I long to be pregnant just for the feeling of hormonally stability.  

Lent and other stuff

1.  The 55 day fasting/lent started on Monday.   On Sunday I took about 30 min to plan out a vegan menu for the next 2 months.   DH and my mom are following the fast and there will not be any diary, meat, fish or eggs for them.   I have never fasted before, as children my mom did not allow us to fast but as an adult with all my health complication and spiritually weakness I never did follow lent.   Since given my digestive issues I don't think I can last long so I have decided I will only be giving up meat.   It is going to be hard since I eat meat at least 3-4 times a week.   No meat while on gluten free diet should be interesting.  On Sunday we went out to our favorite restaurant for one last pre lent meal and it was wonderful to be out and enjoy good food and weather with DH and baby.

2.  This past week I have been thinking a lot of my back/pelvic pain.  The last few months I felt better but this time it has returned in full force.  All week I couldn't only accomplish one task at a time and would have to lye down to rest my back.   Even after peeing I would have to rest for a few minutes. Sitting on a chair for more than 5-10 min is unthinkable.  Today AF showed up and hopefully the increased pain is just due to AF and once she is gone I can go back to my normal.  My normal is pain on a daily bases that I can ignore and massage away with hot showers.     I don't know how to live happily with chronic pain.  I have accepted it to some extent but not fully.  Even my husband doesn't understand at times.  If it wasn't for the blog world and reading about people who go through this day in day out I would feel even more lonely than how I feel right now.   Sometimes I tell my mom I am going upstairs for a few minutes to get something just so that I can lye down and stretch out my back.  When the pain gets really bad I get migraine like headache, my vision is compromised and I feel like I am going to lose it. 

3. Hopefully AF will show up in the next couple of days.  If that is the case I will start the progestrone/estradiol after ovulation starting next cycle.    I will do this for the next two month and go back the Napro Dr. for cycle review.   TTC is going very slowly and I am not rushing and obsessing about it since I just don't have the energy to do so.   However it still stinks to see AF.  I did not get a good night sleep as I was cramping half the night.  I turned on the TV this morning and it happened to be on the baby story channel :(, not something I want to watch on the day AF shows up.

4. We had a good spring like weather over the weekend and it was wonderful.   I am so excited for some warm weather and sunlight.  If only my back cooperates so we can do stuff out doors.  Our life is so sedatery.  DH usually comes home and we are in front of the TV after dinner or playing with MH.   This will have to change.  Even though I can't do much physically I will have to make sure we do something.  I don't want to be stuck in the house all day.  It was OK when I was working since I am exhausted by the time I come home or the weekend is usually taken up with me trying to recovery from the week but now that I am home I need to be out of the house regularly.

5. We took MH to a really nice library on Sat.  She is a little more hyper than most kids her age.  She walks in and says hi to everyone that goes by her.   She run around the children for about 20 min.  She was just excited to see kids and she was grinning ear to ear.  She is a little young for such outing, may be in a few mounts she will be ready to sit still for at least 10 min. 

Guilt

It has been six months since I have been a SAHM.  The initial plan was for me to take at least a 6 months break before looking for a job assuming that I don't get pregnant within the 6 months.  Now things have changed.  I am not ready to go back to work; far from it.  I also want to TTC for another 6 months since I have not been ovulating regularly. 

My DH in addition to his full time position he had a part time teaching position.  He has been doing this for the last 5 years or so consistently.  However, this semester they said in order to save money the school will have full time faculty load increase and get rid of the part time positions.   This means his take home check will not cover all of our expenses.  It is almost enough but not quite.  I also use to pay my Mom for the babysitting help but will not be doing so and I had to tell her this week :(.

I feel guilty.  My parents gave up everything so their kids could have a better future in the US.  They have no pension or any significant amount of saved up money.  When I was working I gave them money monthly and I took pride in doing so.  It wasn't a lot but it was something.   It seem like my siblings are struggling with money too so they are also giving less.   We also help DH's family back home and that is something we can not stop to do. 

The majority of time I am at peace with my decision to stay home.  But at times I feel guilty that I should be out there working and helping out my parents, other family and also lessen the burden on DH.   My DH has been very supportive.  Since I quit my job he has not brought up money issues or suggested for me to go back to work.  He is on board with the commitment we have made and he also likes that I am home.  

When the guilt creeps up I always have to go to the list of why I chose to be home and that the fact is I don't think I can do it all with my health issues.  It is not as simple as getting another stressful job.  Since I have been back on HC and off of the progesterone I have been feeling a lot better.  I am on a road to recovery but I also have quite a way to go.  I want to feel my best before the next job so I can manage family and career at the same time.    If God blesses as with another child then I will have to further delay going back to work. 

For now I am going to count my blessings and focus on giving in other ways.    

Puzzled

Today is P20 or what ever else it is I have no idea.  So this cycle is the cycle where I took the progesterone and estradiol post peak.  I used the cheap OPK and it was positive and seem like I ovulated on cd14, I also had fertile CM.   Starting on P12 or 13 I started having mild cramps and some  back pain as well as sore boobs.   So I figured AF is around the corner.   By P16 no AF so I was getting excited and told myself I will test on P17.   On P16 I had cramps on and off with sore boobs and some nausea.  

On P17 I braved the cold and went out to get a stick.   On the way to the drug store I was excited and for a moment was sure there is a good chance that I was pregnant.   I was day dreaming on how I would tell DH and how I am going to pull off the surprise.  All the good stuff.  Got home and run upstairs to pee on the damn stick.  I despise pregnancy tests.  I always have since the first one I took when we started trying in 2008.   So to my surprise I got a BFN.  I just sat in a daze for a while and collected my self (kicked my self for being so naive). 

Since P17 I haven't had any symptoms, no cramps, no sore boobs, nothing and no AF either.    So where the hell is AF?   Part of it is also my fault, I haven't been doing a good job charting, may be I missed something.  The last few days I have been feeling great physically.  The usually chronic back and butt pain has subsided for what ever reason so I am taking advantage and running around the house getting things done.

In other news DH cough what ever MH had and was sick the last two days.   Same thing, really high fever, joint pain but no stomach issue or snot.  Odd.  I have been really busy taking care of him and MH.  MH has been very clingy since she was sick and just getting back to her self the last few days.   So far I have no symptoms so I think I may be spared. 

Frightening

Two days after our C.h.ucky visit MH was sick.

She was fine during the day and walk up screaming in the middle of the night.  She calmed down and went back to sleep.  She was a little warm but didn't think of it much. 

She walk up in the morning and took a bottle and went back to sleep.  I was happy that she took the bottle.   I was in the kitchen when she finally walk up, DH was sleeping as well.  She was hot to the touch so we took here temp tit read 101.  I was in the kitchen to get the Tylenol and also call her Dr. when I heard DH scream out my name.  He was carrying her and running to the door.   I grab my bag and run after him.  At the time I quickly glanced at her and she was awake but had a little bit of saliva in her mouth.    DH said she stiffened up, shook and lost consciousness which appeared to be less than 1 min.  The drive to the hospital is a blur, I remember checking if she was breathing OK and if she was alert.  The hospital is a 3 min drive from our house.   When we got there I run carrying her.   

The Dr. said she had a f.e.brile seizure.  I have never heard of it  before.   It happens in some children when the fever spikes within a short time.  When we got to the hospital her fever was 105 C.  Holly Cow, how did it get that high in such a short time. 

She has never had a fever before, and so we never had to give her any fever meds.    The Dr. said she has an ear infection on the right one.  She got Motrin and antibiotics and they kept us for about 1h for observation. 

We came home, gave her the next dose of fever med that night.  We tried to give her the antibiotics and she threw it up.  We gave her a bath and she was fast asleep.   Neither of us slept much.  During the night her temp was fine.  Then next day we went to her Ped. and he checked her and said she has no ear infection and to stop the antibiotics.   The fever resolved in such a short time which is also odd.  She doesn't have a cold or any stomach issue. 

This was such a scary experience and I am glad I didn't see her go though the seizure.  DH was crying on and off the whole day.   I was just numb.  

In other news AF is late.  I am not sure if the last one was on the 23rd or 24th.   I will wait until Tuesday to test.  I doubt after just one month on treatment I would get a BFP.   But the good news is there is no brown spotting.  I have some cramps like usual.  My boobs hurt also and a little nauseous at times but this happened the last two cycles so not thinking of it much. 

Update

1.      It’s been a while since I blogged. I have no excuse. Happy New Year to everyone. We had a lovely Christmas and New Year. DH was on vacation for more than 3 wks and he will be back to work end of this wk. It has been really nice having him home. My Mom went home and should be back once DH starts working. We celebrated the 1st Christmas at DH's cousin's house; this has been the tradition for the last 5 years. We also celebrated the orthodox Christmas, also at another Cousin of DH. I hosted my family on New Year day. It has been a stress free holiday season.

 

2.      I haven't made any New Year’s resolution because I hate making them and not following through. Reflecting back on 2012 a lot had taken place in our household with the biggest being purchasing a house and I becoming a SHAM. For 2013 I strive to be a better mother and wife.

 

3. I have never been to Ch.u.ck e Che.ese before until yesterday. DH and I didn't even think of it much when we got the invitation. We get to the place at 4 pm, ohhh boy. As soon as we walked in the smell hit us. It was suffocating. I was tempted to grab my child and run out. I didn't grow up in the US so I had no idea what the place was like. I thought it is a place where you have pizza, cut cake and sing happy b. day and call it a day. I was in for the shocker. The place had a zillion kids running around like crazy. To top it off this was for a 2 year old. Definitely not a place for a 2 year old party. MH is at a point that she doesn't want to be held and want to run around. So DH was chasing her constantly so that she doesn't start rolling on the filthy carpet. The place was loud, way over crowded and dirty to say the least. The game area was crazy, kids high on sugar running around from one game to the next. How do people with multiple kids keep an eye on their kids? I have been watching MH today, she has some snot but no temperature so it is looking good. I wouldn't be surprised if we come down with the flu/cold. There will not be any Ch.uck.e Che.ese outing ever for us.

4. MH is teething constantly, she has about 6 teeth coming out, it doesn't seem to bother her much except for having her hand in her mouth and drooling. What we are having issues with food. She is a picky eater. When I started her with food at 6 month, she started with avocado, banana, and green peas. She didn't eat much of it but at least tried. I also incorporated chicken later on which she didn't really like much but managed to take at least half a cup of purred chicken with vegetables. A few month ago she said no to the chicken and everything else except fruits, eggs, oatmeal. She eats oatmeal with banana/apple in the morning, yogurt with some fruit for lunch, eggs for dinner. I am trying to give her time and not force it but I am running out of options. She refuses to touch any vegetables. What am I doing wrong?


5. On TTC front AF finally showed up after 40 days and I started the meds I was on pre-pregnancy. I am taking HC, progesterone and estradiol post peak. Surprisingly once I stopped the progesterone pre-peak I felt better. My anxiety was less and I walk up refreshed in the morning. I don't get it. It made me feel better when I started it and the whole point of being on it for the last 12 months. I had to go back on it post peak so I don't know if the effect is real. We have started to TTC. Today is P + 9, as usual I have lower back pain and some fatigue. Of course my mind went to thinking pregnancy symptoms. I know, I know, I had to laugh at myself. We will see what the next few cycle looks like. My issue pre-pregnancy was spotting early. I haven't had that post-partum but I wasn't ovulating regularly so it is hard to tell.

6. When I quit my job I made a promise to myself that I will not be buying cloth for a year. Part of it is an effort to minimize pressure on our budget and part of it is that I have cloth that I bought pre-pregnancy that no longer fit. I have about 7lb to lose and it hasn't gone anywhere. I have been very good with the promise with the exception of buying a pair of socks. The other day the handle on my purse broke, I have been holding the same black purse for the last year. Before MH I usually hold smaller purses and once she arrived I starting holding a bigger purse and every time I try to change to my other purses I keep thinking it is not enough space. DH threatens to go out and buy me a purse but I have at least 3-4 smaller bags that I can use.