Possibly Closing Shop

I hope everyone had a blessed Easter.  I didn't fast for Easter but I did go meatless for the entire time so that is a plus.  May be next year I would be able to do vegan only.  My DH and my mom always fast so my only meal that consists of non lent food were the eggs and cheese I consume for breakfast. 

We had some family drama over the last month that left me very angry and sad.  I wasn't motivated to do much of anything so I wasn't sure I wanted to host Easter lunch.   Then I thought it and it would only be my sister, parents and my brother's family.  I still would have to cook for us so I figured either way I am going to end up doing a lot.   So two days spent prepping food.  E.th.opian food requires a lot of onions so I spent a day chopping all the ingredients.  We moved it to dinner instead of lunch and we had a peaceful low key lunch with my hubby and little girl.  

So I guess I will move on to the reason for the title of the post.   For the first time in years I am feeling less burdened with infertility.    The last few months we have been avoiding and that has given me such peace.  I am finding myself talking and thinking about infertility less and less and that is such a blessing.   At this point I don't care if I ever get pregnant again.  I would welcome if it happens but I have had enough of the torture and I want out.    I have a Napro Dr. appointment on Friday that I made a few months ago.  I wanted to cancel it once I found out I had no scar tissue in my uterus.  I know my Napro Dr. is going to suggest HCG shots but I don't think I want to go there.   I asked my DH if we should keep the appointment, and we came to a decision that we at least should see her one more time and go from there.  

I feel a little guilty that I want to stop TTC because that would mean toddler will be an only child.   I feel that may be I am not fighting hard enough since I a able to get pregnant but unable to stay pregnant so I tell myself at least we have the first hurdle figured out.  But then again the guilty feeling only last a short time and I am just back to the happy feeling of not being burdened by 2WW. 

So I am on the final works of possibly closing shop and for the most part it makes me happy. 

Learning to treat myslelf gently

I wasn't planning to write a blog post today but I am sitting here unable to do what I should be doing.  Since quitting my job over a year and half ago I have been meaning to set aside at least 1h of my time during the day to focus on reading up and learning so that I am better prepared when it is time for me to go back to work.

I have failed big time.  At first I didn't want to be reminded about work.    I put it off all the time and I was preoccupied with trying to fix my health, raise my child, make it through the day with pain and basically function day to day.   I recognized that I needed a break so I gave myself about six month and I just let it go.  Even if I tried the willingness was not there, I couldn't focus and I was easily distracted when I started anything that is related to learning. 

Earlier last year I started going upstairs leaving toddler with my mother for 1-2 hours in the morning.  I was in too much daily pain to sit at a chair for more than a 30 min.  I usually would lay on my bed and try to focus.  It didn't work out.  I would start reading blogs and just drifting away every time I tried.  When physically and emotionally you are not ready to go back to work you just don't want to do any reading.  Work is the last thing I wanted to think about.   I was busy trying to get pregnant and I so wanted to have a 2nd child.    Even though I thought about work and going back it was the last thing I needed to worry about at the time.  

Last summer I slowly started reading up then pregnancy happened and I was way too excited and happy to do anything else.  After the miscarriage. for what ever reason I couldn't go back to it.   Early in the winter I started taking dissecated thyroid and it felt like something lifted.  I found myself motivated.  I prepared a calendar on what I needed to cover.    The endo pain was minimal and my mood was great and I was getting excited with the prospect of going back to work.  I told myself if things look good I will start looking for a job by the summer.   Well come Dec. another pregnancy but a chemical one.   After that my pain has intensified and all the complication from it (sleep issue, racing heart, fatigue) has me exhausted.

I realized that I am too hard on my self.   I finally realized that it is not because I am lazy or procrastinating to do what needs to be done.  It is that mentally and physically I do not have it in me to focus on extra tasks.  I barely make it through the day with raising a child and taking care of the house.   I get so consumed with the chronic aspect of this illness that I can not focus on extra things.   I think  I need to learn how to fully accept the cross of chronic illness/pain and find a way to live with it without fighting it.   But HOW?

No Scar Tissue

After the D&C last August,  my period's haven't been the same.   I barely spotted the first cycle after D&C but didn't think of it much so I figured the next cycle things would be back to normal.   Ever since then I have had very light cycles.  It improved slightly with estrogen cream/pill taken after ovulation but my endometrial lining sill measured around 5 mm. 

My Napro Dr. suggested I may have a.sherman's syndrome as a result of the D&C.  So I decided to see a Dr. that specialized in removing scars from the utrus.  After searching for a bit I came across a Dr. in Washington DC and saw him three weeks ago and my 2nd appointment was today.

At the first appointment we talked about my history.  He was very nice and informative.    He sent me off with a prescribtion for Estrace to be taken preouvlation and to come back for a histroscopy.

Last cycle was unmediated, no estrogen or progesterone.   It lasted 44 days.  The previous cycle I had started the estrogen cream and I think that threw off my cycle.  When my period started I was surprised.  I cramped for a couple of days with no bleeding so I thought it would never show or just end up with only spotting.  To my surprise I walk up in the middle of the night with bleeding.  Since the D&C I have never bleed at night during my periods.   It was also bright red and no brown spotting.  It lasted only 2 days with light flow but the was like a real period so I was encouraged that things may start looking better.   Like I said this was unmediated but I had two acupuncture treatments and I also drank red raspberry leaf tea pre ovulation so that may have helped it some.  

I started taking 1 mg of esterase after my period and today is cd 9 so I have taken it for 5 days.  So my appointment with the Dr. today started with an ultrasound and followed by a hysteroscopy.   The ultrasound showed that things seem to be normal but my lining is only 5 mm thick but It showed that I do have the triple layer but a sorry looking one.  My ovaries looked fine.   So we moved on to the hysteroscopy.

I hate having a hysteroscopy.   Although I had taken pain med prior to the procedure, it was still painful.   So the hysteroscopy showed no scar tissue in my uterus.  The opening of the fallopian tubes look find.  But my lining looks like I just finished a period, looking pretty bare after 5 days of estrogen.   So that is not good.  The Dr. said it seems like the receptors are not responding and I also produce enough estrogen on my own and the additional estrogen hasn't done any thing for my lining.
We discussed what my goal is at this point, if it is to get pregnant he said I am better of seeing a fertility Dr. and if I am more concerned with taking care of the pain to do another surgery to get rid of the endometriosis.    He referred me to another Dr. if I am interested in looking in to trying to get pregnant and that it is beyond his expertise. 

I don't want another surgery at this point.   Although I am relieved that there is no scar tissue we still haven't solved the lining issue.  If scar tissue was the problem at least he would have tried to remove it and that would have maximized the chance of pregnancy.  However, my issue is unresponsive lining and I think that is much harder to solve since it is not responding to the standard estrogen treatment. 

I have an appointment with my Napro Dr. end of this month.  We shall see what she recommends.  I doubt that she would be able to help me since she had suggested the estrogen cream and that did not help my lining much.   For the next few cycles I will focus on acupuncture and natural treatment and what ever she suggests and see if we see improvements.    I am willing to try to build up my lining say for the next 4-5 cycles.   After this I want to be med free and will stop the estrogen treatment that is feeding my endometriosis.   I have had an awful few days with the pain, it is worst pre ovulation and I can barely do my minimum daily chores.   This will have to come to an end soon.   Gone are the beautiful few months I had pain free :(.