Frustrated

My mom is on vacation for two weeks and I have been playing the stay at home mommy role. Oh boy, I love it and hate it at the same time. I love playing with my baby, sipping coffee, reading but I feel lonely. I need interaction with an adult but I can see that this is something I can get used to but will need a lot of discipline to structure my day. Otherwise I will be in my pajamas all day.

Moving on to the real issue I logged on for. Our Easter is tomorrow so like a good wife I set out to cook today. We will not be going to church since the service is overnight and not baby friendly. DH is strictly on vegan diet for lent so I wanted to make something special even though we are invited at his cousin's tomorrow. So I started cooking around 10 am this morning and didn't get out of the kitchen until 3pm. Oh boy, let is just say I am a broken woman. By the end of it my back was killing me, I felt dizzy and weak and just wanted to lie down. I am in my 30s not in my 70s. I am so frustrated of not being able to do the simple things that I need to do without a major melt down. I am physical and mental fragile and I don't know how to deal with it. I am so frustrated with my body that I just want to scream and cry. Once I am to the point of pain the numb headache starts, I get blurry vision, and then I panic. The panic just makes me even weaker. All I wanted to do is make a nice Easter lunch for my husband. This is why I have not invited anyone to our house in a long time. I just can't deal with the pressure and physical demands of hosting anything. We haven’t invited DH's relatives to our house once but yet ever year for Christmas and Easter we go to his cousin's and I feel bad. We should be hosting at least one event a year but I am not capable. I have my family over a lot but they know my situation and do not expect for me to do anything for them. But when it comes to real guests I just can’t handle it. DH says it is not a big deal, if I can’t do it then I shouldn’t. Hopeful I feel better by tomorrow morning.

Quick Takes

1. I feel like I am at a cross road when it comes to my career. I work in research and most people in my department who have the same job title have a PhD. I knew this day was coming, at some point the upward movement stops if you don't have a higher degree. I only have a Masters and that is not good enough. For the last so many years I was just surviving at my job due to health issues and infertility. Don't get me wrong, I work hard but not hard enough, i.e. weekends and nights. I do the occasional weekends but I am just not healthy enough to be putting 12 hour days so I put in 8-9 hours. I am dead tired when I get home and no job is important enough for me to log back on and work a few more hours. The bottom line is I like being in research but the time has come for me to step out of it. So I am in the planning mode, looking at my options within the same company as well as outside. If I get a new job TTC for a second kid will have to be delayed by at least a year. I am no spring chicken so if we want a second child we have to start in the next six month. I am also torn, I like to work but I also would like to spend more time with my child. It would be ideal if I can work part-time but that will be difficult unless I go in to something different and take a pay cut.
2. Overall the last couple of weeks I have been stressed due to the above. DH keeps reminding me that I am lucky to have a job and to have choices. My hormones are OK, much better than before the progesterone but not a 100% yet. The normal stress of being a working mother stresses me out more than usually. Physically I am not strong. I haven’t exercised in so long. My diet could be better, even though I am still on a gluten free diet I have picked up sugar, tea and coffee and my stomach is paying for it. I am bloated often and my gut is not as health as it could be.

3. We are still looking to buy a house but I am not sure because of my job situation. My issue is I am way too carefully. With both of our incomes we can more than afford to buy and still have enough to save for long term needs. We are debt free except for car payments. But I always think of the worst and I am terrified that in case one of us loses our jobs we will be stuck with a house we can't afford. I just have to be bold and go for it.

4. My laptop is on its way out. I have one of those that overheat and the fan is going constantly. It freezes randomly and generally slowing down. It’s taking me forever to write this post. May be it is time to invest in another. So before I break this computer from frustration I am going to stop my quick takes at 4. Hope everyone is doing well.