Possibly Closing Shop

I hope everyone had a blessed Easter.  I didn't fast for Easter but I did go meatless for the entire time so that is a plus.  May be next year I would be able to do vegan only.  My DH and my mom always fast so my only meal that consists of non lent food were the eggs and cheese I consume for breakfast. 

We had some family drama over the last month that left me very angry and sad.  I wasn't motivated to do much of anything so I wasn't sure I wanted to host Easter lunch.   Then I thought it and it would only be my sister, parents and my brother's family.  I still would have to cook for us so I figured either way I am going to end up doing a lot.   So two days spent prepping food.  E.th.opian food requires a lot of onions so I spent a day chopping all the ingredients.  We moved it to dinner instead of lunch and we had a peaceful low key lunch with my hubby and little girl.  

So I guess I will move on to the reason for the title of the post.   For the first time in years I am feeling less burdened with infertility.    The last few months we have been avoiding and that has given me such peace.  I am finding myself talking and thinking about infertility less and less and that is such a blessing.   At this point I don't care if I ever get pregnant again.  I would welcome if it happens but I have had enough of the torture and I want out.    I have a Napro Dr. appointment on Friday that I made a few months ago.  I wanted to cancel it once I found out I had no scar tissue in my uterus.  I know my Napro Dr. is going to suggest HCG shots but I don't think I want to go there.   I asked my DH if we should keep the appointment, and we came to a decision that we at least should see her one more time and go from there.  

I feel a little guilty that I want to stop TTC because that would mean toddler will be an only child.   I feel that may be I am not fighting hard enough since I a able to get pregnant but unable to stay pregnant so I tell myself at least we have the first hurdle figured out.  But then again the guilty feeling only last a short time and I am just back to the happy feeling of not being burdened by 2WW. 

So I am on the final works of possibly closing shop and for the most part it makes me happy. 

Learning to treat myslelf gently

I wasn't planning to write a blog post today but I am sitting here unable to do what I should be doing.  Since quitting my job over a year and half ago I have been meaning to set aside at least 1h of my time during the day to focus on reading up and learning so that I am better prepared when it is time for me to go back to work.

I have failed big time.  At first I didn't want to be reminded about work.    I put it off all the time and I was preoccupied with trying to fix my health, raise my child, make it through the day with pain and basically function day to day.   I recognized that I needed a break so I gave myself about six month and I just let it go.  Even if I tried the willingness was not there, I couldn't focus and I was easily distracted when I started anything that is related to learning. 

Earlier last year I started going upstairs leaving toddler with my mother for 1-2 hours in the morning.  I was in too much daily pain to sit at a chair for more than a 30 min.  I usually would lay on my bed and try to focus.  It didn't work out.  I would start reading blogs and just drifting away every time I tried.  When physically and emotionally you are not ready to go back to work you just don't want to do any reading.  Work is the last thing I wanted to think about.   I was busy trying to get pregnant and I so wanted to have a 2nd child.    Even though I thought about work and going back it was the last thing I needed to worry about at the time.  

Last summer I slowly started reading up then pregnancy happened and I was way too excited and happy to do anything else.  After the miscarriage. for what ever reason I couldn't go back to it.   Early in the winter I started taking dissecated thyroid and it felt like something lifted.  I found myself motivated.  I prepared a calendar on what I needed to cover.    The endo pain was minimal and my mood was great and I was getting excited with the prospect of going back to work.  I told myself if things look good I will start looking for a job by the summer.   Well come Dec. another pregnancy but a chemical one.   After that my pain has intensified and all the complication from it (sleep issue, racing heart, fatigue) has me exhausted.

I realized that I am too hard on my self.   I finally realized that it is not because I am lazy or procrastinating to do what needs to be done.  It is that mentally and physically I do not have it in me to focus on extra tasks.  I barely make it through the day with raising a child and taking care of the house.   I get so consumed with the chronic aspect of this illness that I can not focus on extra things.   I think  I need to learn how to fully accept the cross of chronic illness/pain and find a way to live with it without fighting it.   But HOW?

No Scar Tissue

After the D&C last August,  my period's haven't been the same.   I barely spotted the first cycle after D&C but didn't think of it much so I figured the next cycle things would be back to normal.   Ever since then I have had very light cycles.  It improved slightly with estrogen cream/pill taken after ovulation but my endometrial lining sill measured around 5 mm. 

My Napro Dr. suggested I may have a.sherman's syndrome as a result of the D&C.  So I decided to see a Dr. that specialized in removing scars from the utrus.  After searching for a bit I came across a Dr. in Washington DC and saw him three weeks ago and my 2nd appointment was today.

At the first appointment we talked about my history.  He was very nice and informative.    He sent me off with a prescribtion for Estrace to be taken preouvlation and to come back for a histroscopy.

Last cycle was unmediated, no estrogen or progesterone.   It lasted 44 days.  The previous cycle I had started the estrogen cream and I think that threw off my cycle.  When my period started I was surprised.  I cramped for a couple of days with no bleeding so I thought it would never show or just end up with only spotting.  To my surprise I walk up in the middle of the night with bleeding.  Since the D&C I have never bleed at night during my periods.   It was also bright red and no brown spotting.  It lasted only 2 days with light flow but the was like a real period so I was encouraged that things may start looking better.   Like I said this was unmediated but I had two acupuncture treatments and I also drank red raspberry leaf tea pre ovulation so that may have helped it some.  

I started taking 1 mg of esterase after my period and today is cd 9 so I have taken it for 5 days.  So my appointment with the Dr. today started with an ultrasound and followed by a hysteroscopy.   The ultrasound showed that things seem to be normal but my lining is only 5 mm thick but It showed that I do have the triple layer but a sorry looking one.  My ovaries looked fine.   So we moved on to the hysteroscopy.

I hate having a hysteroscopy.   Although I had taken pain med prior to the procedure, it was still painful.   So the hysteroscopy showed no scar tissue in my uterus.  The opening of the fallopian tubes look find.  But my lining looks like I just finished a period, looking pretty bare after 5 days of estrogen.   So that is not good.  The Dr. said it seems like the receptors are not responding and I also produce enough estrogen on my own and the additional estrogen hasn't done any thing for my lining.
We discussed what my goal is at this point, if it is to get pregnant he said I am better of seeing a fertility Dr. and if I am more concerned with taking care of the pain to do another surgery to get rid of the endometriosis.    He referred me to another Dr. if I am interested in looking in to trying to get pregnant and that it is beyond his expertise. 

I don't want another surgery at this point.   Although I am relieved that there is no scar tissue we still haven't solved the lining issue.  If scar tissue was the problem at least he would have tried to remove it and that would have maximized the chance of pregnancy.  However, my issue is unresponsive lining and I think that is much harder to solve since it is not responding to the standard estrogen treatment. 

I have an appointment with my Napro Dr. end of this month.  We shall see what she recommends.  I doubt that she would be able to help me since she had suggested the estrogen cream and that did not help my lining much.   For the next few cycles I will focus on acupuncture and natural treatment and what ever she suggests and see if we see improvements.    I am willing to try to build up my lining say for the next 4-5 cycles.   After this I want to be med free and will stop the estrogen treatment that is feeding my endometriosis.   I have had an awful few days with the pain, it is worst pre ovulation and I can barely do my minimum daily chores.   This will have to come to an end soon.   Gone are the beautiful few months I had pain free :(. 

On Money

A few months ago I came across a website on budgeting and saving for early retirement.  In an effort to divert my attention from all things fertility I have been reading some personal finance stuff.

I am after all almost 40.   I don't feel 40 or act that age for that matter.  I think I still have some maturity to do.  I look back at when my mother and aunts were around 40 and boy oh boy such a gap.   Since they started having kids at an early age and have a large extended family to manage on top of  multiple kids their maturity level at that age was nothing comparing to mine and this included finances as well.

Any how, in general I am not reckless with money but not frugal either.   I never had credit cards debt any other debt besides a small student loan and car loans.   Besides a couple of store credit cards I don't use much I only have one credit card in the last 10 years and I never use it either.   I hate owing money.   I have never carried a credit card balance ever.

During my last year of college I had to do an externship and needed a car.  So I took out some student loan and bought a new inexpensive car.    My sister was paying my car insurance until I started working after graduation.   A few months before I started working I had less than $1000 in my account which I sent half of it to go visit a friend on the west coast.    Yes crazy, and I didn't have a job lined up either so it is not like I knew I was going to be employed anytime soon.   I think that is the most irresponsible thing I ever did.    With three years of working I went to Europe twice (just vising friends), and traveled in the country a few times.   I spent a lot but  I have no regrets visiting places but I wish that I had put in more in my retirement account.

When it comes to money DH and I are pretty similar.  He is a minimalist and doesn't have a need to buy stuff or drive a shiny car.  He has no ties to material stuff.  He held off buying a car for as long as he can.  I on the other hand like to buy cloth and small stuff but unless I have the money I won't buy it and it has to be reasonably priced.   I am so glad that we are not that different when it comes to money so we rarely fight about it.

All though we have no debt except a mortgage we lack in the retirement department.  DH has a PhD so he spent a good amount of his time in school so retirement saving started very late and I did not put enough earlier on and with me  not working contribution has stopped.   In addition, we both immigrated to this country so that is an additional time spent settling in a new place that delayed any kind of saving.

Since working for me is far from reality now (endometriosis have me flat on my back again) I have been looking at ways to cut our household spending in hopes of being able to save a little more for retirement. 

Our utility bill is high, water is high and we have cable and phone bills.   We don't need cable but when we moved in to the house we couldn't get the stupid antenna to work for the basic channels.  For the first 8 years DH and I have lived together we never had cable until we moved in to our house recently and didn't miss it.  When I lived with my sister earlier on we had cable and I would sit and watch some stupid show for hours and waist a good half a day of my weekend and I wanted that to stop so when DH and I started living together I decided not to get cable.  In the process saved so much money. 

So where the saving needs to happen is to decrease our utility usage and also cut coupons for groceries.  I am aiming for 25% decrease over the next six months and see how it goes.   I am looking for ways to cut our cable.  We shall see how this will work out.   I don't want to do any extreme frugality here, after all we have to enjoy the now.   In reading up some ways to cut cost I came across a site that had listed "pooping at work" as one of the ways to save toilet paper.  Hehehehe, now that is crazy.   I hope I don't became that frugal in the process.

I am writing this so that I can be held accountable for the goal :). 








  

Not Meant To Be

My due date for the first miscarriage is on April 2nd.   A couple of days ago my mind got lost on what could have been and I felt really angry and sad.   We lost our baby between 7-8wks of pregnancy and all though it was an early loss it doesn't make it easer.

My mind goes there, on what could have been if we did not lose our baby.  Right now I would have been so excited and anxious to meet our baby.  The whole family would have been in anticipation of meeting a new life.   I would be puffy on the face, feet swollen and tired but happily tired.   My husband would have graced me with his beautiful smile ever time he sees my swollen belly.   I would have been folding tiny outfits, soft blankets and overcome with joy for the life inside me.   My mother & sisters would be preparing food and helping to get the house ready for guests.   Most of all toddler MH's life would have changed for the better even though she wouldn't have know it. 

It wasn't meant to be.  I miss my baby. 

New Doctor & new hope, may be

My Napro Doc said there is a possibility that I may have A.sh.rman's syndrome based on 5 mm of endometrial lining thickness and light period during a medicated cycle.  I didn't talk to the Dr. directly, she had a nurse call me so I really couldn't ask that many questions.  Any how since I suspected something is up already I found a Dr. in the area that specializes in treating people with A.sharman's and I had my first appointment today.  

I made a mistake and made an early appointment, we are late risers and toddler MH had a hard time waking up for the 45 min drive.   I was called by the nurse after 5 min of waiting so I was feeling good about it.  I made a mistake of not having my medical history faxed from the Napro Dr.  I wanted to first meet the Dr. and see if he could help me first before I had my extensive private medical history faxed.   But I think it would have helped a lot for him to know the history prior to seeing him.

Any how the appointment went well.  He was attentive, asked me a lot of questions, didn't rush at all except he made me wait 15 min half naked prior to the exam.   After we went over my history he said he wanted to do an internal exam which I expected.  What I didn't expect was the re.ctal exam.  As soon as he said he would like to do one I wanted to run out of that office.  I hate these exams, I know I know, who likes them but I just despise it so much.  I think it was because I was hurting a lot when I had one with my Napro Doc prior to my 2nd surgery. 

The exam wasn't too bad I guess, I have had worse.  He pressed on some points that where painful so possible endo, mostly on the left side but he said overall he thinks things are OK down there as far as the endometriosis.   Since I have bleeding the estrogen he also thinks if there is any scar tissue it may not be significant.   He suspects that my lining is not responding to the estrogen and possible a receptor issue rather than scarring or a combination of both. 

So I am scheduled for a hysteroscopy in two weeks and he wants me to take 2 mgs of esterase everyday for two weeks to build up the lining.  He said he wants to look at the lining at its optimum and if there is any scar tissue he can start working on it the same day if it is not severe.  If severe then I will have to have to be under for the removal.   This visit will allow for two things, see the health of the endometrial lining as well as take care of any scar tissue.

I told him that it looked like I haven't ovulated, haven't had any fertile CM and I am on cd24 which is very unusual for me so I am sure the estrogen cream had something to do with this.  He said go ahead and start on the esterase even though we have no idea where in my cycle I am on.  I am a little uneasy to move forward with this.  Usually he will advise to it take during the follicular phase and do a cd14 or after hysteroscopy.    If I take this and AF arrives in a few days as expected then I will have to start it again, this means taking it longer than necessary and it will possibly mess up my cycle even further if I am post ovulation right now.   However, it is unlikely that I am post ovulation, since no hint of ovulation and no hint of AF.  By cd24 I would have started spotting or cramping.   I am going to wait until Sunday and if I don't see any thing will start taking it.

As much as I liked the Dr. and the possibility of solving what ever is the problem my mind keeps going back to calling it a day with infertility treatments.  I don't have it in me to fight any more.  I want to fight for my health so I can take care of my family.   I don't want to experience more losses.  I think I am ready to let it go after this treatment but surprisingly  DH doesn't seem ready.  

Endometrial lining & Thyroid

I got a call from Napro Dr. office last week regarding my ultrasound result.  It was done on P + 6, 3 days after starting the estrogen suppository.  My lining measured 5 mm.  Not very good.  However, it was only 3 days of treatment so I assume my lining could have been a little better towards the end of treatment but would still not be optimal.   The nurse also said I possible have As.herm.an's Syn.drome which I already suspected but I would still have to do an HSG or hysteroscopy to determine if this is the issue.   My AF was much better this cycle in quantity, even with the 5 mm endometrial thickness.  It was 2-3 days of light flow.   Without estrogen it was only 2-3 days of spotting.

I am on cd14 and no hint of ovulation what so ever.  I usually ovulate on cd13/14 or sometimes. I haven't seen any fertile CM so it seems like the estrogen cream has messed up my cycle.   Just wonderful. 

So I have been looking for a Gyno in our area to see about As.herm.an's syn.drome.    I really do not want to go to the Dr. who did the D & C.   I could have the HSG done in his office but I think I am better off just going to a Dr. that specializes in removing scar tissue from the uterus.   So after searching and searching I finally have a Dr. identified and will call for consultation.  Just hope that they take my insurance.  

It wouldn't be wise for me to keep doing estrogen treatment  just in case that my lining is sheading and not exiting fully due to some restriction in my uterus.  Pretty much this will end in endometriosis and could also be a reason for the recent increase in lower back and pelvic pain.  After I found out the ultrasound result I immediately called my old acupuncturist and made an appointment for the weekend and I am seeing her weekly.  Luckily my insurance covers this so that is a plus.

I saw my Dr. who treats my thyroid.  My labs looked fine with the exception of free T4 which was low.  This was the case when I visited the emergency room last month so not surprising.  We increased the naturethroid med to twice a day so I will be on 64 mg.   We cut back on T3 med and split the dose to twice a day instead of just one in the morning.   I am so excited to go up in dosage for the naturethroid since that made me feel a lot better.

I am still waking up in the middle of the night sometimes but are able to fall back asleep easily so that is an improvement and I haven't had any palpations recently.   I haven't resumed the LDN but will do so in a couple of weeks once I adapt to the new dosage of thyroid meds.