Learning to treat myslelf gently

I wasn't planning to write a blog post today but I am sitting here unable to do what I should be doing.  Since quitting my job over a year and half ago I have been meaning to set aside at least 1h of my time during the day to focus on reading up and learning so that I am better prepared when it is time for me to go back to work.

I have failed big time.  At first I didn't want to be reminded about work.    I put it off all the time and I was preoccupied with trying to fix my health, raise my child, make it through the day with pain and basically function day to day.   I recognized that I needed a break so I gave myself about six month and I just let it go.  Even if I tried the willingness was not there, I couldn't focus and I was easily distracted when I started anything that is related to learning. 

Earlier last year I started going upstairs leaving toddler with my mother for 1-2 hours in the morning.  I was in too much daily pain to sit at a chair for more than a 30 min.  I usually would lay on my bed and try to focus.  It didn't work out.  I would start reading blogs and just drifting away every time I tried.  When physically and emotionally you are not ready to go back to work you just don't want to do any reading.  Work is the last thing I wanted to think about.   I was busy trying to get pregnant and I so wanted to have a 2nd child.    Even though I thought about work and going back it was the last thing I needed to worry about at the time.  

Last summer I slowly started reading up then pregnancy happened and I was way too excited and happy to do anything else.  After the miscarriage. for what ever reason I couldn't go back to it.   Early in the winter I started taking dissecated thyroid and it felt like something lifted.  I found myself motivated.  I prepared a calendar on what I needed to cover.    The endo pain was minimal and my mood was great and I was getting excited with the prospect of going back to work.  I told myself if things look good I will start looking for a job by the summer.   Well come Dec. another pregnancy but a chemical one.   After that my pain has intensified and all the complication from it (sleep issue, racing heart, fatigue) has me exhausted.

I realized that I am too hard on my self.   I finally realized that it is not because I am lazy or procrastinating to do what needs to be done.  It is that mentally and physically I do not have it in me to focus on extra tasks.  I barely make it through the day with raising a child and taking care of the house.   I get so consumed with the chronic aspect of this illness that I can not focus on extra things.   I think  I need to learn how to fully accept the cross of chronic illness/pain and find a way to live with it without fighting it.   But HOW?