Too many things in my head

I am sitting in my living room, both DH and toddler MH are asleep.  It is an early night for both.  I am sitting thinking; I have been doing this for a while.  The pregnancy disrupted all the thoughts and I was delighted.  So in order to not think about the loss of the pregnancy my head just went back to the previous thoughts with the addition of new ones. 

I am doing OK most of the time.   I have a neighbor who is visibly pregnant and every time I see her I get the ache and I am in that sad place of what could have been and how many weeks and days I would have been pregnant.  There is also another neighbor who gave birth about a month ago and I see her husband taking the baby for walks and the sadness sets in.   I am mostly focused on the good in my life, taking my kid for walks, playing, spending time with my husband and family.  I allow the sad feelings because it is all part of the grieving for a baby I won't meet on this earth.

I was suppose to see my Napro Doc this past Friday but canceled it.   The plan was for us to review the cycle long hormone profile result.  I was also suppose to do an ultrasound to see if I had any issues but the pregnancy happened and I never got around to doing it.  Best to do an ultrasound and see her.  The earliest I could get another appointment was in November so I asked on when it should be OK to resume TTC.   She said to wait only one cycle.  I started the L.DN this week.    So I will be taking all the meds I took prior to MH's pregnancy. 

I have been meaning to blog on how living with a chronic illness has affected me over the years.  I have also been thinking about returning to work for a few months now and when I felt better because of the pregnancy I was thinking more about it and making concrete plans on when and how.  Now no more pregnancy, the pain is not back yet but the headaches and hormonal state are slowly creeping in.  Unless my DH goes out and gets another job that pays more I will have to go back to work.  I don't know how this is going to happen with my health but it is the reality.  We have already spent some of our savings this summer due to some unexpected expenses and I am sure will be doing the same in the winter.   I don't know how but I got to get health enough to start working within the next 6 months.   I never had to worry about money since graduating college so it is new for me.  I was never a big spender so on the few things I spent money on I splurged. 

Anyhow moving on to toddler MH, today we took her to a local park that has train rides.   There was a line when we arrived so we bought the tickets and waited.  She first wanted to be held but decided she wanted to get down and that was it.  The girl is a social butterfly; she is too much and sometimes she scares the little kids.  She started running, put her face in front of every child in line and said hi and chatted away.   She says a few phrases and words but most of it is baby talk.  She will be turning 2 in a few weeks.  Depending on how I feel energy wise we are planning to have a small party, about 20 people.  She is still super picky about eating.  No veggies or meat.   Her meals consist of eggs, fruits, cheese, pasta, some rice and bread.     Will do a picture post soon.