Quick Takes

1. We spent Christmas with DH's cousins. We have been going there ever year. I remember last year’s celebration where one of DH cousin brought her 2 month old baby to the party and how it stung to be childless year after year. So this year’s Christmas was emotionally for me. It was such a happy moment but also sad. Everyone dotted around baby MH and all the kids wanted to kiss her and she was the center of attention. However, the hosts of the party are infertile and have been trying for 10 years. All I can think of was what they’re going through. On the way back home I cried in the car just overwhelmed with sadness, I know all too well what she must be going through.

2. I am enjoying breastfeeding and gratefully that it finally worked. I figured out why baby MH suddenly started breastfeeding. I have given her the breast at least once or twice a day when she is not too hungry but she will nibble and spit it out because there were not much milk coming out and she didn't want to work at it. About three weeks ago I went to my doctor to ask for HC since I was feeling so down and anxious but my doctor suggested trying taking progesterone orally. The week I started the progesterone is when she started breastfeeding successfully. The progesterone helped a lot with my constant state of anxiety and I felt immediate relive. I guess this had an effect on the let down response. I went back to work a week ago so I still have to pump but it is so nice to breastfeed and I do it every chance I get. She loves it and I love looking down at her precious face. It has been such a bonding experience.

3. Going back to work was hard the first few days. I work close by so I come home to feed her/pump so it is not so bad. Plus my mother is taking care of her so I know she is in safe hands.
I wouldn't have minded staying another month or two with my baby especially since she now is breastfeeding but this will not be feasible unless I quit my job. In this economy getting a new job is not a guarantee so I have come to accept it and enjoy what I have.

4. We have been looking for a house and have not found anything we liked. We are very limited on location and there are not many houses on the market. Hopefully we will find something before the summer. We live on a 2nd floor apt and it is not very kid friendly.

5. I am praying for all of you who are still waiting, my heart aches for you. I hope and pray that 2012 it the year.

Liebster Award & life updates

Sorry I have been missing. My computer is acting up. A couple of times I started writing a post and it shuts on me or freezes. I am attempting again and will see if I actually be able to post.

The lovely lady at Ask and It will be Given has awarded me the Liebster Award. This is my first blog award ever so I am excited. Thank You.

The Liebster Award spotlights up and coming bloggers who generally have less than 200 followers. In return for the award, the recipient bestows the award on five of their favorite bloggers.


I would like to pass on the Liebster Blog Award to the following bloggers. If you haven't read their blogs, please check them out.

1. Fruit Snacks and Freezer Jam. I love reading Coco's blog, she is honest and funny. She just had her 2nd kid after suffering with secondary infertility.

2. This Cross I Embrace. Most of you know TCIE. She has been struggling with infertility for years. I love her honesty.

3. Life from Inside the Wheelbarrow. When I started searching the internet for info on Naprotechnology and NFP her blog was most informative. I have been reading ever since.

4. Sew Hormonal: Most of you know Sew the hormone Queen. I have been reading her blog for a while. She just announced her 2nd pregnancy and I am so excited for her.

5. A Child to Call me Mama. I have been following Rachel's blog for a while. She has the most adorable baby.

I don’t know how to link the addresses so you can click on the blog name to go to the page. The link on blogger is not cooperating with me. I don’t know if I am doing it right.

Upon receipt of the Liebster Blog Award, there are a few very simple rules:

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog or emailing them.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

Some of you have already recived the award from others.

Ok on to other things.........
1. I finally went to see my Doctor asking to test for my adrenal hormones and give me HC. Since during pregnancy all my anxiety and migraines went away she thinks progesterone will help me alleviate some of these symptoms. Since I am breastfeeding she didn't want me to take HC unless it is absolutely necessary so she wants to see how I do on the progesterone. Obviously progesterone is a precursor to cortsol so if taken orally the progesterone will help raise my cortsol level. This was two weeks ago and I have been taking 200 mg of it orally before bed and I felt better right away. The difference is night and day. My anxiety level dropped and my headaches are gone. I still have some symptoms but overall doing much better.

2. I am going back to work next week and I am ok with it. I am not stressing since my Mom will be taking care of baby MH. DH will also be home for a few weeks. My plan as far as breast milk is to pump in the morning before I leave, once at lunch at work and twice after I come home. I don't think I can pump more than once at work. I usually get about 20-25 ounces/day. About three weeks ago MH finally started breastfeeding. I usually give it to her when she is not very hungry and she will take it. She has successful been breastfeeding for a good week and we both are enjoying it. For the majority of the time she still gets pumped milk since I am going to go back to work but I am so pleased that finally breastfeeding is working out.

3. MH was baptized yesterday. We had to be at church at 6am for the christening. They start Sunday service at 7 am which lasts until 11am. There were about 6 babies that were baptized at the same time. We do not eat before going to church but I have issues and cannot last until 11 am without no food. I usually get very shaky and there is the possibility of passing out :) which I didn't want to risk so I ate at 5am in the morning. We had lunch with immediate family at our house after church. At first we thought we will have a big party but we live in an apt and there is no way we can accommodate over 60 people in our tiny apt so we decided to only invite my parents and siblings.

4. I have been envious of pregnant women. Seeing a bump just makes me feel all warm and long to get pregnant again. I know this is selfish, I just had a baby three month ago but the feeling is real. Any how we are not avoiding so there is a possiblity but the infertile me knows that I may not be able to get pregnant easily so for now I am going to do nothing and enjoy my gift. I will start charting since AF showed up twice already.

Just can't win this fight

After 3wks in the hospital my mom came home a couple of weeks ago and things are back to normal. She is a little tired but doing OK. In a way the 3wks I spent by myself with baby was a good test, from day one I had people around me and didn't know if I could handle being home alone with baby but all was fine.

Now to the issue that is bothering me a great deal. I have written about my anxiety issues here and we all know the role of endo, chronic pain, hormonal imbalance that is tied to anxiety. I have had anxiety issues since my late teens. Over the last couple of years it has increased due to chronic pain and messed up hormones as well as stress brought on by infertility. I was feeling better while on HC and thyroid meds and then I got pregnant and had to stop taking HC. Pregnancy is the greatest thing that happened for my health. I felt great with very minimal anxiety, had lots of energy and felt hormonally stable throughout my pregnancy. While pregnant I wondered if I am going to have these issues after giving birth.

Well flocks, all the feeling is back minus the stress of infertility and endo pain. It slowly came back after giving birth. I know this is not post partum depression because I am not depressed. I am just back to the usually self with added intensity. My anxiety is pretty much general, I have irrational fear about almost everything, social situation, fear over babies well being, fear over going crazy with irrational thoughts etc. The problem is once you have seen the light i.e. free of it during pregnancy to go back to the dreaded feeling is just painful and I don't know what to do. I haven't told anyone, not even my husband about this since for someone who hasn't experience it will be difficult to understand. I am trying to understand why these feelings are back and more intense. It could be enhanced by the lack of sleep although I am managing at least 7 hours of sleep a night for the last few weeks. I have a feeling that my hormones are all over the place. A few weeks ago I had some bleeding which I guess is the first menstrual cycle after giving birth. I had another bleeding episode two weeks after that felt like a period even though it was light. I am breast feeding (pumping) but seem like that hasn't kept my cycles away. I am on LDN and it doesn't seem to help much. I just want to enjoy this time with my baby and family. This is one of the happiest time in my life and the anxiety is getting in the way. It is hard to be happy when you are continuously anxious or have disturbing thoughts.

Anyone who has gone through this or is going through this how did you deal with it? Prayers and advice appreciated.

This & That

1. I terribly miss my mom. She is still in the hospital, recover has been slow but she is getting there. One worries a lot while spending all day with baby and no adult conversation to occupy the mind. I have been thinking a lot about my parents and how they have aged in the last few years. It is painful to think about the mortality of your parents. I have noticed that both are slower and sight, hearing and other things are getting weaker. My husband’s family are back home and we call them every weekend and I see the pain in his eyes after we talk to them, I wish they were closer.

2. Breastfeeding has not been successful. When we were at the hospital she latched on right away and we were happy for the first two days and all changed when a night nurse decided to give her the bottle. I couldn't stop her because it was in the middle of the night and baby has lost a lot of weight and the nurse had no clue when it comes to alternative feeding instead of the bottle. So once she got the bottle she had issues staying at the breast. I got a lot of help from the lactation consultants at the hospital. I have never been so happy when being complemented that I had the perfect nipple for breast feeding :). Obviously that is not enough. For the first two weeks we fed with tube supplement at the breast but it was hard. She screamed at every feeding and by the time her belly is full we were both exhausted. I had very minimal let down and she was not having it. I thought about it for a good day and decided to give her the bottle. I am only home for 3 month and she eventually will have to be bottle fed. She gets pumped milk except for two formula feedings during the night. This seems to have worked. I still haven't given up, I give her the breast when she is not too hungry and she is at it for 5 min at a time before she starts crying. Sew, sorry I tried.

3. Since baby is bottle fed my husband takes one of the feedings during the night. He is a light sleeper and when we started giving her the bottle he would just get up both times and not wake me up. Of course he couldn't keep it up since he has to get up early to go to work so now he takes the first night feeding and both of us manage to at least get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep at a time. He has been very active with baby duties. He is home on Friday's and weekends and pretty much does most of the feeding and taking care of the baby while I tend to the house. I am blessed to have such a supportive husband.

4. I am 6lb away from my pre-pregnancy weight. I only gained 25 lb so I guess it is not much to lose.

5. A few weeks ago I found out that my boss had shuffled people that work under me and had moved one of the most productive members of my group to another group. I was very upset. From the looks of it they were planning to do this but waited until I went on maternity leave and I hate when people are sneaky. I sent an e-mail to my boss saying that I wasn't happy with the changes and how it was done. I am only away for 3 freaking months and they pretend that I am taking years. I decided that I am not going to let this spoil my maternity leave and just left it at that. Now I only check my work e-mail once a week and don't think about it much. What I need is to polish my resume and be ready to jump when an opportunity comes along.

Maternity

I wrote this two weeks ago and never got a chance to post it. Unfortunately my mom got sick a week ago and needed to have her gallbladder removed. She is still in the hospital due to some complications. Please pray for her. I have been home alone for the past week. It was a shocker for me to go from having someone cater to me 24/7 to suddenly have no one with a baby during the day. I am managing and mostly just worried sick about my mom. We are hoping and praying that she comes home in a couple of days. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have a lot of family in the area, we total over 60 people, this includes, uncles, cousins siblings and nieces. It is a lot for a family that immigrated to the US within the last 20 years. I figured I share a few things from our culture during a birth of a child. Don’t quote me on it, this is my experience based on living in the city and each region has its own customs.

1. We have a family get together (woman only) where we celebrate the upcoming birth of a child. This I guess is the equivalent of a baby shower but no gifts are bought for the baby. It is considered bad luck to buy gifts before a child is born. So for my baby shower the family gave me money and gifts were given after the baby arrived.

2. After the birth of a child the woman in the family play a cructial role during the recovery of the mother. A woman is suppose to rest for 40 days after birth and the mothers, aunts or grandmothers are there for the entire time. My mom came two days before my scheduled c-section and I ended going in to labor the night she came. She will be staying with me the entire 3 month of maternity leave. Not everyone’s mother can do this but it is the norm to at least help out for the first 40 days.

3. After giving birth for the first 10 days the mother is suppose to stay in bed and only focus on feeding the baby. The rest is taken care of by relatives. I think on the 10th day the mother and baby go outside for some sun bathing. I was actually moving around right after I came from the hospital. My mother kept complaining to anyone that listened that I had ignored her orders. For the first two wks our days involved with her giving me food & drinks ever couple of hours and telling me to lie down, put socks on, put my night gown on in 80C weather :). Lets just say I should have listened to her specially in taking the much needed rest when baby was asleep. I had a lot of visitors and I felt obliged to keep them company and I was also restless. No one expects the new mother to be entertaining guests; she is to stay in her bedroom with the baby. By the third wk I was feeling the loss of sleep and was so tired and my back was hurting.

4. As far as food there are a few items new mothers constantly eat/drink. We have a drink made of roasted barley flour. It is boiled in water with spiced clarified butter and honey. This is to be drank throughout the day and night and believed to help with breast milk. Since I am on gluten free diet my mom made it with the root flour of F..alse Ban.an.a Tree which is also used back home. In addition we make a drink of roasted flaxseed flour with honey that I have been drinking nonstop. For guests porridge made of barley floor with spiced clarified butter is offered. I actually used to like the porridge but since on gluten free diet I couldn’t touch it.

5. It is customary for guests to bring cooked food. This is done throughout the pregnancy and after. I think I have been enjoying this most especially my aunts cooking. I think my mom is also enjoying it since she gets to see a lot of family. I am so greatful for family and they make this wonderful life changing event more enjoyable.

Birth Story

The weekend before I had the baby my belly had dropped. I went to a family party on Saturday and everyone was telling me I was going to have this baby soon.

DH and I had meant to take maternity photos, it was all on me to organize this and I even bought two dresses (bought at 6 month pregnancy) and I had not scheduled a photo shoot anywhere. I had an excuse every weekend, mostly not having my hair done. So that weekend was the only chance since c-section was scheduled for Thursday.

I called all the department stores on Sunday trying to make same day appointment for the photo shoot and none of them could take us in since they are usually overbooked on weekends. At the last minute DH remembered a photo studio that took walkins so we took the chance, got ready and headed there. When we walked in they had no customer so we got in quickly, took about 1h and we were done. I was bouncing off the wall with a lot of energy so we decided to head to our favorite E.thiopian restaurant in DC for a last meal.

On Sunday night I walk up multiple times and couldn't fall asleep for more than an hour at a time. Besides getting up to pee multiple times I had no issues with staying asleep during the pregnancy. I had told my boss I will be in on Monday to finalize some last minute stuff. I scheduled all my meetings for the morning so I can work from home the rest of the day. I went out to lunch with a co-worker and I was telling her I felt different. I went home, worked for about 3 hours. DH picked up my mom that night. For the two days before the c-section I had planned to get my house ready for guests, cook and do some stuff with my mom.

We ate dinner and had some coffee and my mom headed to bed. DH and I were watching TV and around 11 I started getting contractions. I told DH and told him to go to sleep; I took a hot shower and slept for about 1h. After that I couldn't sleep through the contractions so I sat in my living room, snacked, read blogs and checked my e-mail. From the start the contractions were 5 min apart and they were just like period cramps and not the worst I have had so I figured it may just be early labor. I was told to go in to the hospital if I had regular contractions every 5min for 30 min, but I kind of ignored that direction. I just didn't believe that I was in labor, just seem so easy. After 4 hours of contractions and losing my mucus plug, I walk up DH and told him it is time to go to the hospital. We got there at 4 am and checked in.

The nurse checked me and said I was 4 cm dilated. She told me I had a high tolerance for pain since I was just laying there through the contractions. I had called my Dr. before I went in to the hospital but he never answered his phone. When we got to the hospital the nurse called him but his partner was the one on call. She came in about an hour after and I asked her to check in one more time if the baby is still breech so they did a quick US and baby still was head up so they started prepping me for the c-section.

I hated being held down for the epidural and laying there with my hands spread out on the operating room was weird to say the least. They brought in DH after I got the epidural. At some point during the c-section I thought I was going to throw up and imagined chocking to death while pinned down on the operating table. I also felt that my heart was racing and I felt the the tugging/pulling sensation. I heard baby scream and I was so relieved. They called DH to see the baby and within a few minutes he brought her to my side so I can have a look. It took another half an hour or so to complete the surgery. I was taken to the recovery room for a few hours and DH went with the nurse to see the baby being washed and checked.

They brought the baby in the recovery room and she latched on the breast right away. She is the smallest precious thing I have ever seen.

By the time all was done my two sisters, my dad and mom had made it to the hospital. I am so glad that I went in to labor, even though I was only in labor for 6 hours I am glad I experienced it. I wanted a natural birth but it was not meant to be but I am happy at how things turned out.

Meet MH

Our baby girl was born on Tuesday morning. Sorry I just haven’t gotten a chance to update sooner. Hospital stay was filled with some drama with breastfeeding issues, supplementation, weight loss etc.

She was born 5lb and 1oz, 19.5 inches, was smaller than thought, the last US showed closer to 6 lb. Any how she lost 10% of her body weight by day 2 so we had to start supplement.

I am back home now and she is doing good, still using SNS to supplement at the breast so she can gain weight faster. My milk finally came in yesterday but still flowing slow so I am struggling and feeding is a team work right now. Hubby will go back to work tomorrow and I don't know how I am going to manage. She is very irritable with just the breast since it is not flowing as fast as she wants. I am drinking and eating as much as possible so we will see how this progress. I am also pumping and I am on the verge of giving her the bottle and just continue with the pumping.
My back is out and I am tired from too little sleep but that is to be expected. I have so much respect for all mothers out there :). This little girl is kicking our butts but she is the cutest thing ever. I will update more when I get a chance.