Guilt

It has been six months since I have been a SAHM.  The initial plan was for me to take at least a 6 months break before looking for a job assuming that I don't get pregnant within the 6 months.  Now things have changed.  I am not ready to go back to work; far from it.  I also want to TTC for another 6 months since I have not been ovulating regularly. 

My DH in addition to his full time position he had a part time teaching position.  He has been doing this for the last 5 years or so consistently.  However, this semester they said in order to save money the school will have full time faculty load increase and get rid of the part time positions.   This means his take home check will not cover all of our expenses.  It is almost enough but not quite.  I also use to pay my Mom for the babysitting help but will not be doing so and I had to tell her this week :(.

I feel guilty.  My parents gave up everything so their kids could have a better future in the US.  They have no pension or any significant amount of saved up money.  When I was working I gave them money monthly and I took pride in doing so.  It wasn't a lot but it was something.   It seem like my siblings are struggling with money too so they are also giving less.   We also help DH's family back home and that is something we can not stop to do. 

The majority of time I am at peace with my decision to stay home.  But at times I feel guilty that I should be out there working and helping out my parents, other family and also lessen the burden on DH.   My DH has been very supportive.  Since I quit my job he has not brought up money issues or suggested for me to go back to work.  He is on board with the commitment we have made and he also likes that I am home.  

When the guilt creeps up I always have to go to the list of why I chose to be home and that the fact is I don't think I can do it all with my health issues.  It is not as simple as getting another stressful job.  Since I have been back on HC and off of the progesterone I have been feeling a lot better.  I am on a road to recovery but I also have quite a way to go.  I want to feel my best before the next job so I can manage family and career at the same time.    If God blesses as with another child then I will have to further delay going back to work. 

For now I am going to count my blessings and focus on giving in other ways.    

Puzzled

Today is P20 or what ever else it is I have no idea.  So this cycle is the cycle where I took the progesterone and estradiol post peak.  I used the cheap OPK and it was positive and seem like I ovulated on cd14, I also had fertile CM.   Starting on P12 or 13 I started having mild cramps and some  back pain as well as sore boobs.   So I figured AF is around the corner.   By P16 no AF so I was getting excited and told myself I will test on P17.   On P16 I had cramps on and off with sore boobs and some nausea.  

On P17 I braved the cold and went out to get a stick.   On the way to the drug store I was excited and for a moment was sure there is a good chance that I was pregnant.   I was day dreaming on how I would tell DH and how I am going to pull off the surprise.  All the good stuff.  Got home and run upstairs to pee on the damn stick.  I despise pregnancy tests.  I always have since the first one I took when we started trying in 2008.   So to my surprise I got a BFN.  I just sat in a daze for a while and collected my self (kicked my self for being so naive). 

Since P17 I haven't had any symptoms, no cramps, no sore boobs, nothing and no AF either.    So where the hell is AF?   Part of it is also my fault, I haven't been doing a good job charting, may be I missed something.  The last few days I have been feeling great physically.  The usually chronic back and butt pain has subsided for what ever reason so I am taking advantage and running around the house getting things done.

In other news DH cough what ever MH had and was sick the last two days.   Same thing, really high fever, joint pain but no stomach issue or snot.  Odd.  I have been really busy taking care of him and MH.  MH has been very clingy since she was sick and just getting back to her self the last few days.   So far I have no symptoms so I think I may be spared. 

Frightening

Two days after our C.h.ucky visit MH was sick.

She was fine during the day and walk up screaming in the middle of the night.  She calmed down and went back to sleep.  She was a little warm but didn't think of it much. 

She walk up in the morning and took a bottle and went back to sleep.  I was happy that she took the bottle.   I was in the kitchen when she finally walk up, DH was sleeping as well.  She was hot to the touch so we took here temp tit read 101.  I was in the kitchen to get the Tylenol and also call her Dr. when I heard DH scream out my name.  He was carrying her and running to the door.   I grab my bag and run after him.  At the time I quickly glanced at her and she was awake but had a little bit of saliva in her mouth.    DH said she stiffened up, shook and lost consciousness which appeared to be less than 1 min.  The drive to the hospital is a blur, I remember checking if she was breathing OK and if she was alert.  The hospital is a 3 min drive from our house.   When we got there I run carrying her.   

The Dr. said she had a f.e.brile seizure.  I have never heard of it  before.   It happens in some children when the fever spikes within a short time.  When we got to the hospital her fever was 105 C.  Holly Cow, how did it get that high in such a short time. 

She has never had a fever before, and so we never had to give her any fever meds.    The Dr. said she has an ear infection on the right one.  She got Motrin and antibiotics and they kept us for about 1h for observation. 

We came home, gave her the next dose of fever med that night.  We tried to give her the antibiotics and she threw it up.  We gave her a bath and she was fast asleep.   Neither of us slept much.  During the night her temp was fine.  Then next day we went to her Ped. and he checked her and said she has no ear infection and to stop the antibiotics.   The fever resolved in such a short time which is also odd.  She doesn't have a cold or any stomach issue. 

This was such a scary experience and I am glad I didn't see her go though the seizure.  DH was crying on and off the whole day.   I was just numb.  

In other news AF is late.  I am not sure if the last one was on the 23rd or 24th.   I will wait until Tuesday to test.  I doubt after just one month on treatment I would get a BFP.   But the good news is there is no brown spotting.  I have some cramps like usual.  My boobs hurt also and a little nauseous at times but this happened the last two cycles so not thinking of it much. 

Update

1.      It’s been a while since I blogged. I have no excuse. Happy New Year to everyone. We had a lovely Christmas and New Year. DH was on vacation for more than 3 wks and he will be back to work end of this wk. It has been really nice having him home. My Mom went home and should be back once DH starts working. We celebrated the 1st Christmas at DH's cousin's house; this has been the tradition for the last 5 years. We also celebrated the orthodox Christmas, also at another Cousin of DH. I hosted my family on New Year day. It has been a stress free holiday season.

 

2.      I haven't made any New Year’s resolution because I hate making them and not following through. Reflecting back on 2012 a lot had taken place in our household with the biggest being purchasing a house and I becoming a SHAM. For 2013 I strive to be a better mother and wife.

 

3. I have never been to Ch.u.ck e Che.ese before until yesterday. DH and I didn't even think of it much when we got the invitation. We get to the place at 4 pm, ohhh boy. As soon as we walked in the smell hit us. It was suffocating. I was tempted to grab my child and run out. I didn't grow up in the US so I had no idea what the place was like. I thought it is a place where you have pizza, cut cake and sing happy b. day and call it a day. I was in for the shocker. The place had a zillion kids running around like crazy. To top it off this was for a 2 year old. Definitely not a place for a 2 year old party. MH is at a point that she doesn't want to be held and want to run around. So DH was chasing her constantly so that she doesn't start rolling on the filthy carpet. The place was loud, way over crowded and dirty to say the least. The game area was crazy, kids high on sugar running around from one game to the next. How do people with multiple kids keep an eye on their kids? I have been watching MH today, she has some snot but no temperature so it is looking good. I wouldn't be surprised if we come down with the flu/cold. There will not be any Ch.uck.e Che.ese outing ever for us.

4. MH is teething constantly, she has about 6 teeth coming out, it doesn't seem to bother her much except for having her hand in her mouth and drooling. What we are having issues with food. She is a picky eater. When I started her with food at 6 month, she started with avocado, banana, and green peas. She didn't eat much of it but at least tried. I also incorporated chicken later on which she didn't really like much but managed to take at least half a cup of purred chicken with vegetables. A few month ago she said no to the chicken and everything else except fruits, eggs, oatmeal. She eats oatmeal with banana/apple in the morning, yogurt with some fruit for lunch, eggs for dinner. I am trying to give her time and not force it but I am running out of options. She refuses to touch any vegetables. What am I doing wrong?


5. On TTC front AF finally showed up after 40 days and I started the meds I was on pre-pregnancy. I am taking HC, progesterone and estradiol post peak. Surprisingly once I stopped the progesterone pre-peak I felt better. My anxiety was less and I walk up refreshed in the morning. I don't get it. It made me feel better when I started it and the whole point of being on it for the last 12 months. I had to go back on it post peak so I don't know if the effect is real. We have started to TTC. Today is P + 9, as usual I have lower back pain and some fatigue. Of course my mind went to thinking pregnancy symptoms. I know, I know, I had to laugh at myself. We will see what the next few cycle looks like. My issue pre-pregnancy was spotting early. I haven't had that post-partum but I wasn't ovulating regularly so it is hard to tell.

6. When I quit my job I made a promise to myself that I will not be buying cloth for a year. Part of it is an effort to minimize pressure on our budget and part of it is that I have cloth that I bought pre-pregnancy that no longer fit. I have about 7lb to lose and it hasn't gone anywhere. I have been very good with the promise with the exception of buying a pair of socks. The other day the handle on my purse broke, I have been holding the same black purse for the last year. Before MH I usually hold smaller purses and once she arrived I starting holding a bigger purse and every time I try to change to my other purses I keep thinking it is not enough space. DH threatens to go out and buy me a purse but I have at least 3-4 smaller bags that I can use.

 

Space

The first few weeks after moving to our new place I was in pain. In pain due to the physical work involved with moving but also due to the fact we now have stairs which my legs were not used to climbing on regular bases. Although I like our new house at the I missed the simplicity of our beloved apartment.

DH and I lived together before getting married.  Not a smart move but that is another post.

The first place I called my own besides college housing was shared with my sister. It was a big apartment; we both had our own bedrooms. When my sister wanted to move out (I was dating DH at the time) we decided to move in together. He was in school at the time and I also wanted to save money so we moved into an efficiency. I know, we were crazy. The place was small and there was nowhere to hide when we fought :). We had a mattress, computer table and a chair. On weekends we went out to a local cafe that had nice tables and sofas and that was our living room. We spent many hours there doing school work and reading.

We moved in to a one bedroom apartment after a year. I thought we had so much space, we had a dining room, living room and a little kitchen. I loved the space, it was big enough for the two of us. After we got married we moved to another apartment closer to my job and it was a two bedroom and much bigger. I loved it, and I dreamt of having a baby at this place. We told ourselves this would be the last place we will rent. Then came tinny MH. She didn't take up much space but her stuffy took over the apartment :).  

A week after we moved to our new house we went to clean the apartment before handing the key and it fealt so small :). I am sure our new place will look small in a few years but for now it is big for me in some senses. See we only had a love seat in front of the TV in our apt and both DH and I sat there ever night. I just miss the small, cozy personal space we had. 

Napro Dr. Visit

Last week I had my first postpartum Napro Dr. appointment. Since Dr. S is no longer there I saw Dr. D. in the same office. The routine was the same, drove 2+ hours early morning with my husband and waited for 1h to see the Dr. but I guess that is how the office operates. My aim for the appointment was to get suggestion on how I can get off the progesterone pre peak so that I can ovulate normally again and also deal with the anxiety. Right now I am taking progesterone from day 3 until the first day of cycle. I have had irregular cycles for over six months and it is obvious I am not ovulating every cycle.

I was a little disappointed that the Dr. did not review my chart prior to the appointment because she kept asking me what medicine I was on pre-pregancy. Anyhow the major issue is my Anxiety and coming off the progesterone without another solution is not practial for me. I was on LDN, HC, post peak progesterone and estradiol prepregancy. So we discussed the options.  So for now I am going to start the HC and post peak-progesterone and estradiol.  She suggested B.us.par for anxiety but decided only to add  it if I need it.  I am hoping that the HC will help and if I don't feel better I will consider B.us.par.  It is suppose to be safe for pregnancy just in case I do conceive but I do not want to be on it for the obvious reasons.  In addition it is not a medicine prescribed for long term from what I read.  

So the plan is for me to go back to her with two month chart and then we will go from there.  

If anyone reading has experience with B.us.par please share. Thanks.

Balancing marriage and family

I wrote this a week ago and my computer crashed before I could post it.

My oldest sister usually hosts Thanksgiving.  Since all my siblings live in the area and see each other pretty often it is just another day of family gathering.  My sister went back to work after 10 years at home and she is tired busy so I volunteered to host.   I spent Wednesday cooking.  I don't like turkey much and have never made it before so I stuck to E.t.hio.pian dishes.    As usually I was in pain by the end of it but kept taking pain killers so it wasn't too bad.   It was a small gathering with just my sister and her family, my uncle and my parents.  Food turned out great and we had a good time.    I am grateful for the fact that my family are close by and for all the opportunities this country has to offer.   I think the US is the best place to live for any immigrant.

Anyhow as I said most of my siblings are here and I have a lot of extended family.  DH's immediate family are back home and although he does have some distant relatives here they are not as close since they only know one another as adults.   In addition growing up DH family were isolated from most of his extended family.  

Most of the visitors to our home are my family.   I live 20 min from my parents and sister's house so there is at least 2-3 times a week someone will pop in especially since my mom spends the weekdays with us.    I think this has gotten a little overwhelming for my DH.  Since we had MH everyone wants to come visit and I love it but I can see how it can be overwhelming.     In addition, I think some of us in the family still operate as if we don't have a family of ours.   Decisions sometimes are made without involving spouses.   I grew up in an environment where it was close to impossible to be alone.  We are a big family but we also had neighbors and extended family visit a lot so for me it actually feels lonely when I don't have people around.  I remember when I was a child I would sit in our backyard just to get some alone time.  I am trying to be understanding to DH's needs and focus more on just the three of us.    DH loves my family and I think all he needs is for my number one priority to be my marriage and kid and then my family.   Usually I don't separate the two.